Complexity
by samaryley
Summary: Sequel to Epiphany and Reality. Just when it seems like things should be getting easier for the Curtis family, events occur that make things more complicated for everyone. Can they overcome the obstacles to stick together as a family?
1. The Adjustments

**A/N: Complexity is the third in a series of stories told from the point of view of Scout, a younger sister to Pony, Soda, and Darry. I hope potential readers will not dismiss the series just because I have added a character- albeit the dreaded sister! Scout is just an added point of view to the story. EVERYTHING that happened in the book still happens, Scout is just along for the ride, showing off an added dimension to each character, though I have tried very hard to keep everyone in character. **

**This story will make the most sense if you start at the beginning of the series, titled "Epiphany," then read "Complexity." You are welcome to start here, but some of the original characters will be confusing, as they were introduced in previous stories. Feel free to message me if you have questions. Thank you so much for reading. **

**I own none of the characters from the book The Outsiders. Thank you for the loan, S.E. Hinton!**

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COMPLEXITY

The morning after the court hearing we all slept in. I think it was the first time in a very long time that we were all able to sleep soundly, without the worry hanging over our heads of somebody being missing, somebody being sick, or not knowing if we'd be able to stay together.

The ultimate return to normalcy was when I was startled out of my deep sleep that morning by a sneak attack from Sodapop. I could hear Darry and Ponyboy laughing at me from the kitchen as I shrieked. Of course I was tangled in the covers and, in the process of trying to fight back, we both fell in a heap onto the floor.

"Ow," he said, rubbing his head where it had hit the floor.

"Serves you right, scaring a girl like that," I said, sitting up.

"I was just waking you up," he said. "I didn't want you to miss breakfast." Right. The boys had been taking sick pleasure in this morning sister-torture for years.

"Well, now I'm up," I said. He took my arm and pulled me off the floor and we headed into the kitchen. We all sat down to eat, and, remarkably, even Ponyboy was in a decent mood. Two-Bit came in halfway through and pulled up a chair, regaling us with stories about his date from the previous night. Soda had to work the noon-to-five shift, and, by the time we had finished, Steve was bursting in the front door, looking for him.

"Alright Soda," he called as he came into the kitchen, "time to go to work. Gotta go work our asses off to support the family, you know, now's we know they're all stayin."

Darry and Two-Bit both glared at him. Leave it to Steve to made a comment like that; to try to turn us staying together into a negative.

"Far as I can tell, Steve, you're not supporting anything, except your smokin' and drinkin' habits," Darry snapped at him. "And I sure ain't seen none of your pay comin' to support anyone in this house. So I suggest you shut your trap before you find yourself off the meal roster permanently, around here."

In a rare show of common sense, Steve didn't respond. Seriously, I thought, that kid needs to learn to shut his mouth, or one of these days Darry is going to shut it for him. And, I had to admit, I was almost looking forward to it.

Soda went in to change and the mood changed back to reasonably pleasant as soon as the two had left.

"So, what's up for entertainment today, kids?" Two-Bit asked.

"Aren't you usually the entertainment around here?" Pony asked, and Two-Bit immediately tackled him backwards in the kitchen chair. Darry and I just looked on amusedly as they wrestled each other into the living room.

Suddenly Darry glanced at the sink. "Man, that kid's good," he said. It had been Soda's day to do dishes and he had an uncanny ability to get out of the house without doing them while managing to have none of us notice.

"I'll do it," I said, less than enthusiastically. "I did sleep through the whole cooking part," I admitted.

"You wash, I'll dry," Darry compromised. Neither of us had any expectations of Pony offering to help, so Darry and I both looked at him incredulously when he piped up, "Just leave it, you two. I'll do it."

"_What_?" Pony responded to our stare. "It's not like I _never_ do them when it's not my turn."

We both continued staring and he thought for a second.

"Okay…" he agreed, "So maybe I never _before_ did them when it wasn't my turn. But I know I was kind of a pain in the ass before court yesterday, so I'll do it."

I was more than happy to let him do it, but Darry helped him out by drying anyway. I wandered into the living room where Two-Bit had already set himself up in front of the couch with a beer.

It seemed hard to understand all the threats Darry was always giving me and Pony about what would happen if he ever caught us drinking, because I would swear it was beer itself that coarsed through Two-Bit Mathew's blood, and yet he was the happiest, most carefree person I knew. Besides in an actual fight, I had never known him to get upset about anything. The kid just rolled with the punches, literally. Of course there was the small fact that he was in his fifth year of high school and was only a junior, as well as the fact that he'd never had, nor did he seem to show any interest in ever having, a job… Even Soda and Darry always seemed happy after a beer or two, though. I suppose it was hit or miss, because Steve could be a real jerk when he was drunk, and Dally had usually been just plain scary.

Dally... This would be our first weekend without Dally and Johnny. There was a strange feeling in the house, once I thought about it. Especially with both Soda and Steve at work, things just felt…incomplete. I kept expecting more people to show up, like they always had for almost every weekend since I could remember, but I knew for sure that Dally and Johnny would never be walking through our front door again.

After he did the dishes, Pony shuffled off into the bedroom and shut the door. I thought about going in after him but decided to give him some time and see how he was later. Even though we had been getting along better, I wasn't going to kid myself that I could even begin to comfort him over the loss of Johnny. I would probably be even less help with that than I had been trying to comfort Soda about Sandy. Pony and Johnny had been best friends forever.

I imagined how I would feel if, instead, I had lost Ben, and just the thought of it made me feel sick, like losing my own arm or leg, so I could only imagine what Pony must be feeling. Maybe that's why he had offered to do the dishes; it bought him a few more minutes of not having to think about Johnny. He hadn't talked about him at all, and I didn't know whether that was good or bad. I guessed I could ask Darry about it later. I hoped that since both Soda and Pony were feeling a loss, they could be there for each other. They always seemed to be there for each other in the past. Losing Sandy must have been twice as hard for Soda without Pony there. Those two just knew how to take care of each other.

"Kid, your ears are gonna start smokin' if you think much harder," Two-Bit said. I had just been sitting on the arm of the couch staring at the door for at least ten minutes.

"Yeah, probably," I agreed. "Just feels lonely, without them," I added.

"I know what you mean. So we're gonna have to hunt down some action. Keep ourselves busy."

"Or, you could get a job, Two-Bit. That would keep you busy."

He rarely even bothered to respond to that suggestion anymore, though we never stopped suggesting it. Two-Bit would get a job when he felt it was time, he told us; and thus far, it just plain wasn't.

Just then Ben appeared, coming through the front door with a football.

"You guys wanna play?" He asked.

"Darry probably won't let me, with my cast," I said. I couldn't wait to get the thing off. One more week.

"Can you kick?" he asked. I thought about it. It was my non-kicking ankle that was sprained, and with the brace on it was feeling pretty good.

"I guess so," I said. Two-Bit leaped up off the couch and ran out with Ben. Kevin was waiting outside and Darry must have heard us because he followed us out, dragging an unhappy looking Pony along with him. It felt strange; usually Dally and Johnny would be with us. Ben had joined us often enough in the past, but Kevin usually didn't. Maybe Ben had convinced him to come along so it wouldn't feel so obvious that people were missing. It still felt pretty strange, but I guess we all tried our best to ignore it. I spent a lot of time studying Pony; he and Johnny used to hang around together in the lot pretty often. His demeanor was just… blank. Nothing.

We didn't have enough people for a real game, so what basically happened was that I kicked to Ben, Two-Bit, and Pony, and those three tried to move the ball back downfield past Kevin and Darry to where I was standing. Darry had made it clear to me from the beginning that I would not be running or catching. Honestly, I was pretty amazed that he let Pony and I play at all, so I didn't complain. I'm sure he told Kevin to go easy on Pony, too, because as fast as he is, he never would have made it past Darry and Kevin combined as many times as he did. I'm sure Darry was thinking that keeping our minds off things by letting us play outweighed the risks of us getting a little tired or sore.

We messed around with that football in the lot for a good few hours, eventually using it for target practice through an abandoned tire we found and leaned up against a fence.

Finally, in the late afternoon, Two-Bit faded off down the street in search of his next drink, Kevin took off for a date with Kate, and Darry, Pony, Ben and I ended up back at home. After an hour or so of boring television, Ben headed back to his own house. I was sitting on the couch reading some book Pony had brought home from school, and Darry was sitting in Dad's chair reading some sports magazine, with the TV still on but nobody watching, when suddenly the doorbell rang. We both looked up at each other over our reading. The doorbell hadn't rung much since the parade of casseroles after our parents died.

I shrugged and Darry got up and went to the door. He opened it to reveal a sharply-dressed young man that looked vaguely familiar, though I couldn't place him.

"Can I help you?" Darry asked. His body language I couldn't quite read but it seemed almost intimidating.

"Hi, uh, my name is Randy, I'm... uh,.. a friend of Ponyboy's. I was wondering if I could talk to him?"

Darry was still sending some sort of nonverbal message to this kid with his stance, but after a second's hesitation, he moved to the side.

"I think he might be sleeping, but I'll check. Hang out here for a second." Darry looked at me like he expected me to keep an eye on him. Lord knows what he was thinking might happen, but from the nervous way this kid was acting, I actually thought it might be possible that I could take him. I almost laughed out loud at the thought and must have made some sort of noise because the kid looked at me, almost like he was scared.

"Hi, I'm Scout… Ponyboy's sister," I said.

"Hi… Randy," he mumbled. That's when I recognized him, from the paper. He was a friend of that kid that died. I tensed up at the memory.

"You can go in, " Darry said, coming back into the room.

"Do you know who that is?" I whispered to Darry after he was gone.

"Yeah, I know. It's okay, Scout. Pony told me he talked to him last week."

I was not comfortable with this. I was imagining he was here for revenge, expecting to hear Pony screaming and us running into his room to find him bleeding to death. I pretended to go back to reading but was really trying to hear what was going on in Pony's room, which was difficult with the TV on.

What happened wasn't quite as dramatic.

"Johnny is not dead. Johnny is not dead," suddenly Pony was practically yelling from his room. Darry leaped up. I followed him down the hall.

"Hey, Randy," he said. "I think you'd better go now," he said, ushering him out.

I went in to sit with Pony while Darry talked to Randy. "Don't ever say anything to him about Johnny," Darry said. I was worried. I had thought Pony was okay now.

"Pony, are you all right?" I grabbed his arm. He was smoking, and Darry was on his case in a second about it, as well as the state of his room. He and Soda just couldn't seem to keep their room neat. After Darry left he turned to me.

"I'm all right. I just don't wanna talk about that stuff with him. Or anybody."

"What have you been doing in here anyway?" He could sit alone without getting bored longer than anyone I knew.

"Just, reading, drawing and stuff…" he always seemed to think we thought his writing and drawing were a waste of time, but he did let me see and read it sometimes. Maybe he thought since I was younger I wouldn't be so judgmental.

"Can I see it?" I asked.

"I guess so," he said, reaching inside his desk to pull out a page from the drawing tablet that I had gotten for him for Christmas. He turned it around to show me and I was rendered completely speechless.

It was a pastel drawing of the sunrise at the abandoned church. He had managed to capture every single variation of red and orange that had made its way up from the horizon to the darkness of the disappearing night sky, as well as the alternating highlights of gold, pink, and purple that surrounded the wispy clouds. I just stared in awe.

"Oh my God, Pony." It was like when he had showed me the stars at the church. "How can you do that? That's unbelievable. You have to show Darry and Soda. I mean it, Pony. This isn't something you hide. You have an amazing talent."

"Shut up, Scout. It's no big deal."

"It is, Pony. I only wish I could draw stuff like that. I can't even see it that perfect in my mind, and you just drew it perfectly, on paper."

"I don't want to show them, Scout. Not now. I only showed you because you were there."

"I think you're crazy Pony. If I could draw like that I would be showing everybody."

"Well, not to state the obvious, but you're not me. And I'm not crazy."

"I know," I said, trying not to feel hurt by the comment, realizing my comment might have hurt him, as well.

We both heard the telltale noise of Soda coming in from work and I knew it was my turn to cook, so I hopped down off Pony and Soda's bed and asked, just thinking it might keep his mind off things,

"You want to help with dinner?"

He looked at me like I had two heads and said, "Just because I offered to do dishes this morning doesn't mean I'm gonna start doing everybody's chores, Scout."

"I wasn't asking you to do it, I just was looking for some company," I said. "But that's fine."

"I just want to finish the chapter I was on," he said.

"It's fine, Pony," I said. "Just don't let that Randy kid get you upset, okay?"

"I'm fine, Scout. Go make dinner."

I turned and ran straight into Soda, smelling like oil and, well… Soda.

"Well, excuse you," he said, picking me up and moving me around him.

"Sorry… I got dinner tonight," I said.

"Well, hell, kid, get on it, you got a starving teenager here!" Soda joked. Since Mom and Dad died, the only one who really still watched their language around me was Darry.

I went into the kitchen and, in my hunt for something quick and easy, settled on grilled ham and cheese with tomato soup. Surprisingly, I had acquired a taste for this in the hospital. The sandwich on its own was not that great, but once I discovered the secret of dipping the sandwich in the soup, I was sold, and planned to sell my brothers on it, too.

They sat down and I demonstrated the proper way to dip the sandwich, and, even Pony, the pickiest of all, who had refused this very meal in the hospital, didn't mind it.

"Not too bad, Scout," he offered.

We ate quietly. Soda talked a bit about work that day and then suddenly suggested,

"Hey, Darry, Steve's working tomorrow and said I can use his car. You think I can take Scout and Pony out to the rodeo?"

I was shocked. I was usually never allowed to go with the boys to the rodeo. I imagined it as a place of absolute hedonism, where everyone there swore like Dallas and had less morals than that Buck Merrill, who had paid Dally to ride for him. Two-Bit had told me stories about the rodeo that would have turned Pony's ears redder than pickled beets. But I wanted to go more than anything.

"Scout, Soda? Really? I don't think that's a good idea." Darry knew he had promised to stop treating me like a kid, and here was his chance to prove it.

"C'mon Darry, we'll look out for her," Pony said. I couldn't believe he was on my side. I looked at him, shocked, and he squeezed my knee under the table.

"Well… you guys get Two-Bit to go with, and she can go. You two forget all about her sometimes but I know Two-Bit'll keep an eye on her 'cause he knows I'll kick his ass if he doesn't."

I didn't mind that. As much as I complained, Two-Bit really wasn't a bad babysitter. He was pretty fun, actually. Maybe I'd get another driving lesson out of it, too.

"Thanks, Darry," I said.

"I'm trusting you, to use your head, regardless of how these two behave," he said, motioning to Pony and Soda. "Though I expect you to tell me, if they don't behave."

"I will," I promised, shooting a superior glance at Pony and Soda.

After dinner we all seemed really tired, even though we had slept late that morning. I personally was tired enough to go to bed earlier than usual, and changed into my pajamas and read for a while in bed but couldn't concentrate. I knew I needed to talk to someone about it or I wouldn't be able to sleep. I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen where Darry was writing down his schedule for the next week on the calendar. He looked up when I came in.

"You need me for something?" He must have seen it in my face.

"Can I talk to you… in my room?" I asked.

"Okay," he said, looking at me quizzically, and getting up and following me into my bedroom.

"What's wrong?" He asked, immediately after I shut the door.

"Nothing, I hope," I said, sitting on my bed. "What happened with Pony, today, when that kid Randy was here? I thought he was getting better."

Darry looked relieved that it wasn't something else.

"He's still confused, baby. The doctors just say it will take some time."

"How much time?" I asked. I wanted Pony back, whole.

"Nobody knows. I guess we all just don't mention Dally or Johnny until he does, until he wants to talk about it."

"Doesn't he still have to go to court about it? He'll have to talk then, won't he?" I couldn't figure out how you would testify in a murder case without mentioning the murder.

"It's not for two weeks. Hopefully he gets it all worked out by then."

"Do you think he'll be okay, Dar? I mean, mostly? Even after Johnny?"

"I hope so, Scout." He sat down next to me and pulled up my covers. "There's nothing you can do, though, okay? Don't worry about him. He's home; he's where he belongs. We'll help him figure things out."

Darry looked more confident than I had seen him in a long time. I believed him.

"Okay," I said. "I'm just worried."

"Don't be," he said. "I'm the one who should be worried, letting you go to the rodeo with your crazy brothers tomorrow."

I laughed. "Thanks for that. I'll be good."

"You better be," he mock-growled, and stood up.

"'Night, Scout."

"'Night."

**A/N: Okay, not so much action in the very beginning. But stick with me… things get busier. Please review so I know if you followed me here from Reality. Thanks and hope everyone had a great holiday!**


	2. The Rodeo

**A/N: My friend Casey told me to write a rodeo chapter, so this one's for you, Case. I had to split it into two parts, though, because it was getting too long! Let me just say here, I have NEVER been to a rodeo, and certainly not one in Oklahoma in the 1960s. I know a bit about thre Professional Bull Rider's Tour, but that's it. I tried to do some research, but if anything here is way off or wildly unbelievable, let me know. (nicely, though ;-))**

**A million thanks to all my reviewers so far!**

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I was shocked that, even as geared up as I was to go to the rodeo that morning, somebody still had to wake me up. Luckily, it was Darry this time, not Soda. Darry was decidedly less violent about it, though the end result was usually the same. While Soda pounced, Darry would tiptoe in and put his face right up to my ear.

"Scout?" he'd whisper.

"Scout?"

Finally, I would begin to stir.

"Scout?" He was patient, but persistent.

"What, Darry?" I'd ask, half asleep.

"This!" he'd yell, digging his hands into my sides and tickling me awake. It always seemed amusing to me that, afterward, he would apologize and be really nice to me. I asked him once why, instead of doing it and then having to apologize, didn't he just _not_ do it in the first place. His answer was, in typical boy form:

"It's just too easy."

He laughed at my response, which was, of course:

"So, how do I make it harder?"

He had no answer for that, so I just learned to prefer his slightly slower attack over Soda's full-on ambush. This morning, Darry was feeling particularly bad about his tactics and, after a minute or so of torture, he rubbed my back while I lay on the bed, face down in my pillow, hoping for a few extra minutes of sleep.

"So, Scout?"

"Mmmm?" I was awake, but would have preferred to not be.

"I have to go to work. Seriously, I'm trusting you to use your head today, out with the boys, OK?"

"Mmm-hmm." I was planning on falling back asleep the minute he left my room. Unfortunately, he wasn't going to accept that.

"Scout, c'mon, turn over." He pulled my arm out from under me and turned me over. I kept my eyes closed against the light.

I could feel him staring so, eventually, I opened my eyes up at him.

"I mean it, Scout. This is a big deal, letting you go with the boys. I need to know I can trust you. And I want you all home by five. It gets way too rough out there once it starts to get late."

I looked straight at him. "You can trust me," I said.

"I'm holding you to that," he said.

I gave him an exasperated look. "Go to work, Darry. I'll be fine."

He rubbed my head and stood up. "I'm counting on that." He stood, cracked a smile at me, and was gone.

I wanted to go right back to sleep, but I could hear the boys in the kitchen, and I knew the next one in to wake me would be Soda, so I got up and grabbed some clean clothes, then headed into the bathroom and showered. I dressed and looked at myself in the mirror, experimenting with my hair, trying my best to not look like a little kid. I would never tell Pony, but I was sort of regretting cutting my hair, because getting it out of my face was all of a sudden a major hassle. I managed to wrangle it back into two pigtails with the aid of a few barrettes Anna had lent me and, along with the pants and top I had picked, I thought I might pass for at least my age. Being short, I couldn't realistically hope for much more than that.

I didn't really have any shoes that would seem appropriate for a place like the rodeo; I mean, it's not like I regularly wore boots or something. In fact, the only person I ever knew who had regularly worn cowboy boots had been Dally, so I just put on a pair of sneakers that I'd had for a while and wouldn't mind getting dusty. For some reason I had this idea in my mind that it would be dusty.

By the time I made it into the kitchen, Soda and Pony had already eaten and cleaned up.

"Ah, there she is, Miss America," Soda wisecracked as I came in. "You're on your own for breakfast, kiddo. We're leaving in ten."

So I grabbed a piece of cake – my family is completely obsessed with chocolate cake – and a glass of milk, and called it breakfast. I was just putting my clean plate into the dish rack when Two-Bit came in. It turned out that, since Two-Bit was coming anyway, we were going in his car. I was plenty glad to have Steve out of the equation. Soda grabbed the portable radio he had from Christmas so we could listen to it in the car (you never could count on Two-Bit's radio) and we all headed out. Soda sat in the front with Two-Bit and Pony, and I sat in the back.

It was so rare that I got the chance to go anywhere lately that even the car ride was fun. I opened the window and stuck my head out, letting the wind wreak absolute havoc on the hair I had fought so hard to wrestle into submission earlier. I figured there must be a mirror somewhere there where I could fix it. For the moment it just felt so good to feel the wind in my face and look at the scenery flying by.

After about twenty five minutes, we pulled off the main road, following a bunch of beat-up old cars and trucks into a dusty lot next to what looked like an old football stadium surrounded by circus tents. I definitely had been right about the dust; the second I stepped out of Two-Bit's car, I felt like every breath I took was at least fifty percent dirt. I coughed despite myself, and wondered how nobody else seemed to notice. Soda flung his arm around my shoulder and gave me the brotherly lecture as we went up to the main entrance.

"So, if anybody gives you a hard time, you tell me or Two-Bit, okay?" Pony looked a little bit offended. I didn't want to tell Soda, but if I was looking for somebody to defend me, Two-Bit was definitely gonna be my first choice.

"I will," I promised.

"Here," Soda shoved a few dollars into my hand. Just in case we get separated, okay? We'll meet back in the main arena if we all lose track of each other."

"Okay…" I said, hesitantly. I'm pretty sure Darry hadn't intended that me being off on my own was gonna be part of this adventure, at any point.

What hit me immediately was the smell. Horses. There was no mistaking it. Soda used to ride and hang around the stables a lot as a kid, and Dallas had always carried the slight smell of horses. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, just…distinct.

The minute we went in, everyone headed in separate directions. Pony headed immediately for the stands, watching what I noticed were girls riding horses around some sort of obstacle course. Two-Bit headed immediately to where all the girls were waiting to ride, standing in a group behind the gates where the horses waited. Soda headed past where Two-Bit went, into the stables, in a tent behind the main arena, where the horses waited for their turn in the spotlight. I followed him, figuring I'd likely relate better to horses than either Ponyboy or rodeo girls.

I don't think Soda realized I was with him at first. He started at the first bay and went from one to the next, caressing the horses, offering them a taste of hay or whatever lay in their trough and whispering at each in turn about how beautiful or handsome they were, depending upon the sex. They seemed to react viscerally to him, making horse noises and nuzzling up against his touch. I had never really been around horses before and was fascinated.

"Do they bite?" I finally asked, wanting to touch one. Soda turned and smiled to see me there.

"I thought you'd wanna watch, with Pony," he said.

"I wanted to come with you," I said. "Is that okay?"

"It's great," he answered, messing my hair even more. I had forgotten how I had planned to fix it after we got there. I'm sure I looked like a disaster.

"So, do they?" I asked.

"What?" He looked puzzled. Clearly, he had not been listening before.

"Do they bite?" He was looking at me like I was crazy. "The _horses_, Soda! I want to touch one! Will it bite me?"

He laughed. "Not if you talk to it," he said. "Here," he offered, and pulled over some sort of crate for me to stand on. He looked on the bay door for the horse in the nearest bay's name.

"This one's named Ruckus," he said, standing next to me. "Just tell him how handsome he is, and pet him on the head." I hesitated and Soda took my hand and put it on his nose, petting him. He snorted in agreement.

"That's right, Ruckus, you're a handsome boy, all right," Soda said, taking his hand off mine to feed him some hay. I moved my hand up to pet him on his mane and he stared me right in the eye. I was awestruck. I had never stared at a more majestic, powerful animal in my life. Suddenly I had a profound respect for those people who tamed and earned the trust of these animals, and I felt sad that I would never see Dally ride. He had told many a story about the rodeo, and had mentioned many a horse, and I struggled to remember if he had ever mentioned one named Ruckus. I hoped he had, and I leaned up close to him and whispered in his ear,

"Dally says hi."

Soda caught me whispering to him and said, "Now you're getting it, Scout! You gotta talk to them. They have feelings, too."

I believed him. I walked down the rows with him, admiring them, one after another. I was, again and again, amazed at the feeling I saw in their eyes as they looked up to take in who it was that was admiring them. More than once I stood and stared into their eyes, as Soda moved on. I wondered how, in Oklahoma, I had made it to age twelve without ever really coming face to face with a horse.

As I caught up to Soda at the end of a row, he was knee-deep in conversation with a girl who was brushing her horse. He was leaning toward her in the way that I had seen Darry leaning in toward Alison in the past, and I figured maybe this was what it would take to get him over Sandy. So I made an about-face, re-admired each horse on my way out, and went back toward the arena to look for Pony or Two-Bit. Before I even made it all the way back to the arena entrance, however, I found Ponyboy talking to, of all things, a girl – and a beautiful one, at that- standing next to a beautiful horse in a bay marked "Magnum."

He looked annoyed to see me coming, but I didn't know where else he expected me to go, so I stopped where he was.

"Hey Pony," I said.

The girl he had been talking to turned around. She looked like a movie star. He hair was beautiful, autumn red, and she looked at least five years older than Pony. How the two of them were even talking to each other I couldn't imagine, though she looked slightly familiar.

"Hi," she said, "You must be Scout. My name is Sherry, but people call me Cherry… the hair," she motioned, which only made me think about how bad my own hair must be looking. "Ponyboy told me about you." Then I remembered her from the paper, too, just like Randy. I didn't know whether Pony was smart or crazy, to be hanging around with all these friends of a kid in whose murder he had been involved. I was gonna hope for smart, hoping that if he was friendly with them, maybe they would help him stay out of trouble.

"Your horse is beautiful," I said. And so are you, I thought.

"Thanks," she said. "Would you like to ride him?"

I was shocked.

"No, well… I mean, I would, but I… I've never ridden a horse. I never was really around any horses until just now."

"Well, that's a shame," she said, "Growing up in Tulsa and all. But that's no problem. Magnum's a softie. He likes beginners."

I looked at Pony. I knew he wanted to make this Cherry girl happy, no matter what.

"I won't tell," he said.

"Okay," I shrugged, and Cherry grabbed a stool and put it next to the horse. She just leaped on without the stool, then helped me up, from the stool, into the saddle in front of her. I couldn't believe it. I put my hand down on the horse's chest and felt it's muscles tensing, and it's heart beating, as it walked. She took us outside, where we trotted between the rows of cars, and finally we came back through the bays, where I yelled to Soda, still putting his moves on that girl. He looked up, startled, and waved, grinning crazily when he saw me and realized from my expression that I could easily become as horse-crazy as he was. Then, when he saw the girl behind me, he did an absolute double-take. I had to laugh at what a contrast we must make, me with my dark, messed up, wind-whipped hair and her with her perfect red hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. I was an urchin and she was a movie-star.

"Cherry?" I said, before we got back to Magnum's bay.

"Yeah?" She stopped the horse to listen to me.

"Don't talk about Johnny or Dallas to Ponyboy, okay? It gets him real upset."

She looked down at me and said, "I know. Randy told me about what happened when he went to see him. Is he gonna be okay?"

"I don't know," I answered. "My brother Darry said he just needs time."

"Will he be able to testify in court?" She sounded worried. I wondered if what Pony had to say would help keep _her_ out of trouble.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Well," she said, signaling the horse back to a walk, "I just hope he's gonna be okay. Your brother's a real nice boy."

I thought I might like this Cherry Valance.

Pony was waiting for us, and helped me down off the horse.

"That was tuff, Scout. You gonna become a rodeo girl now?"

"I don't know, maybe," I said.

"Well, I've seen you play basketball, and if you're half as good at riding as you are at that, then you'd be great," Cherry said.

I was shocked. I couldn't imagine when Cherry could have seen me play until I remembered that sometimes the cheerleaders waited in the bleachers for the buses to take them to the boys' away games. Those were the days we got the gym early, so we were in there practicing while they waited. I remembered now that she was a cheerleader. I remembered seeing the hair, just had never put a face with it. I was shocked that the cheerleaders had ever been actually watching us. I'd figured they just sat there gossiping and doing their makeup until the buses came.

"Thanks," I said. "Maybe I just better stick to the basketball, though."

"Why don't you go see what Two-Bit's up to?" Pony suggested suddenly. Clearly, I had intruded on enough of his time with Cherry. This was the first time I had ever seen Pony even talk to a girl, and, given the fact that it was a girl of this caliber, I was more than happy to take off and let him have a go at it.

"I think I will," I said. "Thanks for the ride, Cherry," I added.

"My pleasure, Scout," she said. "It was real nice to meet you."

"You too," I called as I headed off to find Two-Bit.

Yeah, I thought, that girl is okay in my book.

**Please review!**


	3. The Trust

I looked in the stands for Two-Bit but didn't see him anywhere. I walked around to the concession booth and got a soda and some food, eating it while I walked around the outside of the arena, half-watching what was going on in the ring and half-searching the stands for Two-Bit. Whenever I heard a lot of noise, I automatically turned in that direction – Two-Bit seems to attract noise like clover attracts bees. But I couldn't find him anywhere.

Finally I ended up over in the place where I had seen him before, where the girls had been waiting their turn to ride. Except that now it was boys waiting to ride, or men, maybe. It was hard to tell. A lot of them had that tough, weathered look that Dallas had possessed, but they might have been only fifteen or sixteen. And they were all dressed like him. I wondered for a second what kind of clothes Dallas had been buried in, and the second I felt sadness welling up in my throat I bit at my lip to stop it. Yeah, that would be tough, breaking into tears in front of a bunch of brawny bull riders. Nice, Scout. Finally, one of them must have noticed that I looked kind of lost.

"You lookin' for somebody, girlie?" he asked, startling me.

"No… well…yeah, kind of. Two-Bit Mathews. He was hanging around here with some girls."

"Oh yeah?" He turned around to the group of guys behind him. "Any of you know a guy named Mathews?"

"Tall… sideburns, reddish hair? Can't shut up to save his life?" I tried my best to describe him accurately.

Some guy moved from the back of the group, laughing, twisting a rope around his hands. "I know Mathews. He was here. Took off with a few of the girls over to the trailer sites. He'd had more'n a few, I'd say."

"Yeah," I said, "That'd be him." Looks like Soda was going to be driving us back. I figured I probably didn't want to know what Two-Bit was doing, so I wandered around looking for Pony or Soda instead. Neither was where I had left them, so, finally, I just climbed up into the stands and watched the bull riders.

I sat in the top row, against the wall. All around me there were groups of guys drinking and hollering, cheering on either the rider or the bull they had bet on, and getting bitter and angry if their chosen one didn't come out on top. Pretty much everyone left me alone for a good hour or so while I watched, wishing I had been allowed to come see Dallas ride, until one particularly drunken fellow decided to start in on me.

"Hey, cutie," he hollered up at me, "Why'ncha come sit down here with us? We could use some female company." The other guys he was with didn't pay attention to him; they clearly had a monetary interest in the ride at hand.

I just ignored him.

"Aw, come on, baby, you come on down here, keep me warm." He had to be kidding. It was about ninety degrees in the arena. He stood up and started up toward me. I looked around frantically for Two-Bit or Soda- hell, I would have even been happy to see Ponyboy- but nobody was around.

He came up and sat on my left. I immediately slid about three feet to my right. Unfortunately, he followed, and when he tried to put his hand on my thigh, I slapped it and yelled in his face, trying to sound tough when in fact I was terrified.

"Don't put your hands on me!"

This caught the attention of his buddies, and, as they turned around, I saw recognition in one of their faces. He picked up his beer and came up to where I was.

"Hey, Scout," he said. "Wouldn't have expected to see you here."

"Hey, Luke." It was the guy who had found me in the woods.

"You know this kid?" Suddenly Mr. Come-Keep-Me-Warm wasn't so tough anymore. I noticed Luke was at least a foot taller than the jerk, and outweighed him by about fifty pounds.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Carter? She's a kid. Get the hell out of here!"

Carter scurried off like the dog he was, tail between his legs. Luke sat down next to me.

"Sorry 'bout the language. You okay?" he asked. "What'd he do to you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. That guy your friend?"

"Not really a friend. I know him though. He probably wouldn't have done nothin' anyway." Probably. Well, that was reassuring.

"Well, thanks for getting rid of him anyway. I guess you saved me twice, now." He just chuckled.

"You're not here alone, are you?"

"No, actually I'm here with my two brothers, _and_ a friend, and they all seem to be missing. Actually they all took off with girls."

"Well, that's just typical of guys, huh?" he said. "So can I keep you company, then?"

"I guess so," I said. "Wouldn't you rather be with your friends?"

"I told you," he said, "They're not my friends. Just guys I know from here."

"You come here a lot, then?" I asked.

"Yeah. I used to ride but I had to stop because I got hurt."

"Yeah, same thing happened to my brother. He's still crazy about horses, though."

"You're kidding. Darry?" I was puzzled for a minute until I remembered he had told me in the hospital that he'd played football with Darry.

I laughed. "No way. Darry's way too serious for anything like that. My other brother, Soda."

As if by magic, Soda suddenly appeared at the bottom of the stands, scanning the crowd. When he saw me he smiled but frowned a bit when he saw a strange older man sitting next to me. He came up to us.

"Hey," he said, giving me an "everything okay here?" kind of look.

"Hey Soda," I said. "Remember Luke, the guy that found me when I was lost in the woods?"

Soda's expression relaxed, and he nodded. "Oh yeah. Right. Thanks again for that. Things just wouldn't be the same around here without Scout to do all our cooking and cleaning," Soda joked. I slapped his stomach and he indulged me by pretending to double over.

"He came to sit with me 'cause some drunk guy was being a jerk," I said. Soda's expression tensed again.

"Some guy was bothering you?" he asked. "Where the hell are Pony and Two-Bit?"

"Same place as you were. Off with girls."

"Pony's off with a girl?" Soda was shocked.

"Yeah, the one who let me ride her horse."

"You're lying." Soda looked at me, trying to decide if I was.

"I'm not, Soda. Her name's Cherry and they know each other from school… and…"

"Yeah, I know who she is," he said. "Ponyboy Curtis, you little devil." He shook his head.

Luke stood up. "Well, seein' as you got a new bodyguard, I'm gonna get goin'. Nice to see you again, Scout. You, too, Soda."

"Seeya, Luke," he said.

"So what was this guy doin' to you?" Soda asked, sitting beside me. Oh, so now, all of a sudden, he wanted to play big brother. Nice timing.

"Forget it, Soda, it wasn't a big deal. He was just trying to put his hand on my leg. I was handling it anyway, before Luke showed up. I slapped him."

"Some guy fucking touched you?" Now Soda was getting mad. He stood up, looking around. "Is he still in here?"

"No, Soda. He's gone. Forget it. Seriously. It's fine."

"It ain't fine."

"Well then, go ahead, let it bother you, but I'm over it. Our bigger problem right now is that we're gonna have to find the other two, 'cause Darry's gonna be pretty unhappy if we don't get home and have supper done before he gets home. He said we had to be home by five."

Soda looked up at the arena clock. "Shit. I guess you're right. C'mon, lets go look for them."

We didn't have to look too far for Ponyboy, because just as we were turning the corner out of the arena, he was turning the corner to come in.

"Hey, loverboy," Soda teased, "I heard you found yourself a nice redhead."

Pony blushed. "Shut up, Soda," he said. "It ain't like that."

"You seen Two-Bit?" Soda asked him. Pony shook his head.

"The bull rider guys said he went with some girls over to the trailers," I told him. "And that he was drunk."

"Well that's no surprise," Soda said, then stopped to think. "You were talking to bull riders?"

"I was looking for Two-Bit, after Pony ditched me. Shoot, I talked to Dally for years, and he was a bull rider." I forgot I wasn't supposed to mention Dally, but Pony completely missed it.

"You've been alone this whole time? Jesus, Scout, don't tell Darry, he'll kill us." Pony practically yelled at me.

"He'll kill the two of you, not me," I pointed out. "I'll just never be allowed to go anywhere with you ever again." I just shook my head at the two of them. What kind of idiot did they think I was? "Don't worry. I'm not gonna tell him nothing," I said.

"_Anything_, you mean." Pony, the grammar policeman, was back, after a short hiatus.

"So let's just go look for him," I suggested.

"No way I'm takin' you two over there," Soda said. I was starting to get a clearer picture of what might go on over by the trailers. I had been thinking horse trailers, but then it occurred to me that there could be trailers for people, too, where the riders slept, and… Oh, Two-Bit and girls…Right. Got it.

"You two wait here," Soda said. "I'll be back."

Pony and I leaned against the side of the bleachers and waited, and waited, and waited. We had promised Darry that we'd be back by five, and it was five-fifteen. I was worried enough about not being trusted, so I wanted to call.

"Come on, Pony, he's gonna be mad, and worried. At least if we call he won't be worried. He's gonna be mad no matter what."

Pony looked skeptical.

"He won't be mad at _us_, Pony, it's not like it's our fault; we're stuck here without a ride. Two-Bit has the keys."

"I don't wanna hear him yellin' at me, Scout. You know he will."

"I'll call," I said. "I just want you to know I'm not going to lie to him. He finally let me out of the house, I'm not gonna screw it up by getting caught lying."

"Fine, if you call," he said.

I walked over to the phone booths just inside the entrance, deposited a dime, and dialed home. I wasn't sure if it was long distance or not. I guess I put in enough, though, because it was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Darry? It's me."

"Scout? You were supposed to be back by now. What happened?"

"Well, we haven't left yet. We kind of lost Two-Bit."

"What?"

"We can't find him. Soda went off to look for him."

"He left you alone?" Oh boy, I was thinking, if you only knew.

"No, Pony's with me."

"What, Two-Bit just disappeared?"

"Well, kinda… I guess he went off with some girls."

"You guess? He was supposed to stay with you and Pony."

"Look, Darry, I called because I didn't want you to worry. We'll find…"

Just at that moment some sort of fight broke out at the pay phone two down from the one where I was. There was screaming right behind me and, as I turned around, I saw one burly looking guy knock another one right into Pony, knocking him over.

"Pony," I yelled, looking to see if he was getting up. I tried to cover the receiver. "Pony, get up!" he rolled over and got up, dusting himself off but starting to yell at the guy who had just knocked him over, which was, in my opinion, less than wise. Just then, Soda returned and, even though he didn't see what had happened, he knew enough to grab hold of Pony and walk him away, letting the two who had originally been fighting finish it between themselves.

When I put the receiver back to my ear, Darry was yelling.

"Scout? _Scout_, what the hell is going on? Is Ponyboy in a fight?" The noise from the fight made it extremely difficult to hear him.

"No. Somebody else is fighting. It's nothing, Darry. Soda just came back; he didn't find him yet."

In the background I could hear Soda yelling at me over the noise of the fight.

"Scout," he yelled. "Hang up the goddamn phone and get the hell over here."

I guess Darry heard him too, because his voice was terse and worried.

"Hang up right now, Scout, and the three of you go out front. I'm coming to get you." He hung up before I could say anything else. I wouldn't have been able to anyway, because Soda was there at my arm pulling me away from the phone. The two fighters were now rolling around in the dirt, a circle forming around them and cheering them on.

"What the hell were you doing?" Soda yelled at me.

"I was calling Darry to tell him where we were so we wouldn't all be in trouble," I said.

"What'd he say?" Soda asked.

"He's coming to get us," I said.

"That's great," Soda snapped at me. "Now we _are _all gonna be in trouble."

"What, Soda?" I snapped back, "You think it would be better if he had to sit there and worry about us? Haven't we had enough of people being missing lately?"

"I guess that's true," he admitted.

"We're supposed to meet him out front," I told both brothers.

"You two go and I'm gonna give it one more try to find Two-Bit," Soda said. "Pony, see if he's at the car."

"You better get back by the time he gets here, Soda," I said. "He didn't want me or Pony left alone."

"I'll be back," he said.

He was. Pony had found no sign of him at the car, either. Darry pulled up to find the three of us standing by the side of the entrance gate: Pony smoking, Soda talking to somebody he knew, and me drawing circles in the dirt with my feet. I opened the door and jumped into the middle, and Pony convinced Soda to get in the cab so he could sit in the back and finish his cigarette.

"I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I'm not happy," Darry said, trying to stay calm although it was pretty obvious how angry he was.

"Look, Darry," Soda said, "we were ready to go and be home on time, but I don't know how you expected us to get there with Two-Bit going AWOL. He has the keys."

"You were supposed to be staying together," he fairly growled.

"Darry, he found some girls… and beer. You know Two-Bit." Soda continued to plead for leniency.

Darry sighed heavily and I knew that he was doubting his decision to let us go in the first place.

"We're fine, Darry," I said. "The only bad thing that happened was that you had to come get us." I was a little scared for Two-Bit, he was gonna catch holy hell, no doubt. "I had a good time. I got to ride a horse," I added, trying to change the subject.

"Oh yeah?" It seemed to work, a little.

"Yeah, Pony found that Soc girlfriend of the kid that died and got all cozy with her, and she let Scout ride her horse." Soda jumped right on the changing-the-subject bandwagon.

"Really? You're kidding me, Pony and that girl Cherry?"

"No shit, Darry. He spent a lot of time with her."

None of us really talked the rest of the way home. As soon as we got back Soda went in to cook dinner, and Darry looked over the homework Pony and I had done since the last time he checked it, since we were going to have to go back to school the next day. I, for one, wasn't looking forward to it. Pony didn't seem terribly enthusiastic about it either.

"Scout, what is three plus nine?" Darry asked me.

"Twelve, why?"

"Because, twice on this paper, you added it wrong, so even though you did the rest of the problem right, you still got the answer wrong. I wish you would take your time a little more." Pony looked glad to see Darry on my case instead of his, for a change.

"I'll try," I said, though I knew I probably wouldn't.

Soda had taken a while with dinner, and, by the time we finished, it was almost eight. I headed off for a shower before bed and was shocked at the amount of dirt that washed down the drain from my body. I never remembered Dally being that dirty.

Finally, I climbed into bed, under orders from Darry to go to sleep early because, come hell or high water, both Pony and I were going to school tomorrow. I hated to admit it, but I was actually really tired.

"Scout?" Darry was at my door just as I had started to fall asleep.

"Yeah?"

He opened the door and sat on my bed.

"I'm really glad you called tonight to tell me what was going on. I'm sorry I was so mad when I picked you and the boys up. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Two-Bit."

"I know," I replied. I was kind of mad at him too. Darry finally let me go somewhere, and he nearly ruined it. "Thanks for trusting me, Darry."

"You deserved it," he said; then added, "you _earned_ it."

"Thanks. And Dar?"

"What?"

"No matter what Two-Bit was doing, we were fine. Really."

"That's not the point, Scout."

"I guess not," I said. My eyes were closing whether I wanted them to or not.

"Night, baby. Sleep tight. Back to school tomorrow!" Darry was annoyingly gleeful about that. I growled, and he laughed.

"'Night, Darry," I said as he left, closing the door.

**A/N: Again, if I grossly misrepresented rodeo in any way, I apologize. Thanks to Atmosphere for some help on that. Shout out also to whatcoloristhesky, the true grammar police, for taking me to task about my numerous missing and misplaced commas and quotation marks. And I think SamanthaNicolette and Itaque81 have reviewed every chapter I've ever written. Awesome. Thanks to everyone who reviews, reading them makes my day.  
**

**Those of you jonesin' for some Tim Shepard, I promise at least a guest appearance within the next two chapters.**


	4. The Trustbreaker

I awoke to the front door slamming and a sliver of light appearing under my door, as the living room light was flipped on.

"It's too bad you're alive, Two-Bit, because you being dead is about the only excuse I'd accept for the shit you pulled tonight!" Darry must have been sleeping on the couch; there was no way he could have gotten into the living room so fast from his bedroom.

"Are they here?" Two-Bit sounded frantic. "Just tell me the kids are here, Darry. Then you can kick my head in, hard as you want." Two-Bit may have been drinking earlier, but he sounded stone-cold sober now.

"They're here, Two-Bit, and they're fine. No fucking thanks to you, by the way. Scout called and I went out to get them."

"Darry, I swear, I never meant to leave them there. I went off with some girls for a little fun and the next thing I know, I'm waking up, and it's eleven o'clock, and the kids are nowhere. I swear to God, my heart was in my fucking throat driving here. So go ahead and kick my ass, I know I deserve it." I was praying Darry wouldn't take him up on the offer.

"You know what, Two-Bit, you got goddamn lucky this time, because, if anything had happened to Pony or Scout, you'd be in the fucking morgue right now. It turns out they're fine. But, you know what else? Then I still had to sit here and worry about _your_ dumb ass getting killed, because right now that would be too much for any of us to handle. We've all lost enough already."

"I know." Two-Bit sounded more remorseful than I had ever heard him; I was shocked. It had never occurred to me that something could have happened to _him_.

"You knew Dallas," Darry started. "You know what happens late at night at the rodeo. Some drunken cowboy finds you, drunk as all hell, shooting off your wise-ass mouth and you're a prime target to get robbed, or killed, just for sport. I don't want to have to look my brothers and Scout in the eyes and tell them somebody else they care about is dead. I fucking can't, Two-Bit. I can't." Darry sounded almost like he was gonna cry.

"I'm sorry. I mean it. I swear to God. All I can tell you is how scared I was when I got up and realized what time it was and that they were gone… It coulda been my own kid sister. It felt like it was. You know I care about this family, Darry… Jesus. I would never leave them on purpose. It won't ever happen again. I swear it, Darry." Two-Bit had a sister, even younger than I was.

"It'd better not. I mean it. It had better fucking not."

"It won't." I was pretty sure it wouldn't, too.

"Jesus Christ, do you realize how it would have looked if anything had happened to them? Two kids, left alone at the rodeo? Social Services would've been on my ass in a second, and Scout and Pony'd have been out of this house faster than we could count to two. I don't give a shit about you drinking on your own time, Two-Bit, but when I ask you to look out for them, I expect you to goddamn do it."

I couldn't hear his response.

"Just go the hell home. You got a mother at home that gives a shit about you, you know." I heard Darry's pain in that comment, as though he didn't think he had anyone to care about him; he just had to care about us.

"Alright, Darry. I am sorry. Really."

"Go home, Two-Bit." Darry sounded exhausted.

I heard the door close. Two-Bit must have been careful not to let it slam.

I heard Darry go into the bathroom and run the water and flush the toilet. When I heard him walking by my door on the way to his room, I whispered to him.

"Darry?" I heard him stop and push my door open.

"Sorry if you heard that, Scout."

"I'm glad you didn't hit him."

He came in and sat on my bed again, just as he had hours earlier.

"Scout, I hope you know that not every problem around here has to get resolved with fighting," he said. "I don't enjoy hitting anyone."

"I know," I said. I sure knew I couldn't solve _my_ problems with anyone around here by fighting, anyway; they would crush me.

"What he did was really wrong, Scout. You and Pony shouldn't have been left alone there, at all. Something really bad could have happened." I wondered how he knew we had been alone, but I didn't ask. I thought about that guy's hand on my leg and wondered what would have happened if Luke hadn't been there. Probably nothing good.

"Well, everything is okay, Darry. Everyone's okay. Nothing bad happened."

"This time, yes. But, at the moment, I trust you more than Two-Bit," he said. "He disappointed me," he continued, "but… you didn't."

That felt good. I never realized how good it felt to know I'd made Darry proud.

"Scout, no matter what kind of trouble you are in, you can always call me, and I will come get you. I bet the boys made you call, right? So they didn't have to hear me yell?"

I didn't answer, but Darry knew from my lack of response that he was right.

"Look, sometimes I yell. Not even because I am mad at you, but because I'm worried. So, please- if you get into some kind of trouble, don't ever _not_ call because you're afraid that I'll yell. I'll always come get you, or your brothers. No matter what, even if I _am_ mad."

"I know, Darry. _I'm_ the one who called; remember? I'm not afraid of you yelling. Maybe you should tell Pony and Soda. It was Pony who was afraid to call."

Darry sighed. "That figures." I turned over and snuggled into my pillow.

"I gotta sleep, Darry. School, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," he said, standing up. "Sleep tight."

"Mmmmm." I was already sleeping again by the time he closed the door.

**A/N: Sorry, a short one. You didn't really think Two-Bit was just going to get away with it, did you? Thanks for reviewing!  
**


	5. The Mystery

Darry was surprisingly kind waking me up the next morning; no tickling, no torture. Just a gentle shake.

"C'mon, baby. Time to get up. School today."

I groaned, but rolled over and threw my legs over the side of the bed.

Both Darry and Soda were exceptionally nice to Pony and me at breakfast. Darry even made my eggs special, scrambled soft, the way I like them. I had to admit, he was getting to be almost as good a breakfast cook as Mom had been.

"You guys ready to go back?" Soda asked.

"No," Pony and I answered in unison.

"The two of you never minded school before, I thought that you might've even missed it," Darry said.

Both Pony and I gave him looks implying that, along with becoming our guardian, he must have lost his mind somewhere during the process.

"Or, maybe not," he laughed.

Two-Bit was at our house at least fifteen minutes earlier than he usually picked us up. I usually alternated between riding with him and Kevin and Ben, but I wanted to ride with Two-Bit this morning, to let him know there were no hard feelings from the night before. I _had_ been angry with him, but, after his conversation with Darry, I was satisfied that he already felt bad enough.

"You kids ready?" He was markedly low-key.

"Almost," I said. I went into my room to grab my books. When I came out, I interrupted Darry and Two-Bit whispering in the living room. Pony was suddenly behind me and asked:

"So what the hell happened to you anyway last night, Two-Bit?" Tactful, Pony, I thought.

Two-Bit hung his head. "I'm real sorry about that, kid. I lost track of time. It won't happen again."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it." I felt bad for him. Having Darry that mad at you is not fun.

He walked over and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Ready?"

"Ready," I said. We went out and Pony followed.

"You two behave yourselves," Darry called. Pony and I both sighed. Really, like we were gonna start trouble after all we'd just been through.

I had been nervous about going back to school- not because of the work that I had missed, but because of all of the newspaper articles and gossip about what had happened while Pony and I had been away, missing, and hurt. I figured everyone would be talking about me running away, being in trouble, and just plain being stupid for getting lost.

What I worried about couldn't have been further from the truth. Pony and I were suddenly like celebrities, among the kids from our side of town, anyway. I had to laugh at how people could completely idealize terrible situations. They all acted like it was tuff to be involved in a murder, and exciting to be lost, hungry, and freezing in the woods. Even when I tried to tell people how bad it all had been, they acted like they thought I was kidding. My English teacher actually suggested that I might have some "fascinating scenarios" to share with the class, related to my "adventures." By lunchtime I had had enough. I ducked out into the parking lot for the safety of Two-Bit's car, only to find Pony already there.

"Are you getting the same crap that I am?" he asked.

"_Yes_," I answered, slamming the door. Ben wandered over after a few minutes, as Pony and I ate our lunches in silence. He climbed in the front.

"So are you two _famous_, or what?" he asked.

"We hate it," I said. Pony made a noise in agreement.

"Why?" Ben asked. "All of a sudden you're the big man on campus, Pony."

Both of us hesitated. I looked at Pony.

"They don't get it," he said.

"Everything that happened- it wasn't fun _or_ exciting, Ben," I said.

"It sucked," Ponyboy added.

"It's our family, Ben," I said. "It's not just a stupid newspaper article or TV news story. We almost got split up. You know that. Our friends died, for God's sake. There's nothing tuff about that." Again I forgot I wasn't supposed to talk about that in front of Ponyboy. He flinched noticeably and I reached across the seat to touch his arm. He pulled away.

"I know," Ben said. "But you don't think it's a little bit tuff to have everybody talking about you?"

"No," Pony and I both answered.

"Not at all," I added.

Two-Bit came over to the car as Pony and I were both heading back to class. He looked a little worried to see us there.

"You two okay?" he asked.

"We're fine, Two-Bit," I said. "We're just sick of being celebrities."

"You two be back here at last bell," he said. "Darry'll kill me if I leave you again."

"We will," I said.

We were there, both of us, at Two-Bit's car for a ride home at the end of the school day. Not only did he drive us home, he stayed with us until Soda and Darry both got home from work, and he even helped me with cooking dinner. He was putting water into the pan to boil pasta when I turned to face him.

"I heard you come in last night, you know," I said.

He just stared straight ahead.

"I never, ever meant for that to happen," he said, staring at the faucet.

"I know. I _know_, Two-Bit." He finally looked up. "What is it anyway?" I asked. "About beer, I mean. Drinking. Why do you like it so much?"

"Scout, you shouldn't even be askin', I mean, you're just…"

"I'm just _asking_, Two-Bit, that's all. You know I can't ask anyone in my own family," I admitted. "They'd never tell me the truth."

Two-Bit hesitated. "I can't explain it," he said. "It just makes everything seem a little bit easier. Except when shit like last night happens."

That seemed understandable. And it made me see why people liked it so much. Who didn't want things to be easier, after all?

"That makes sense," I said. Pony came in just then for a Pepsi so we ended that conversation abruptly. Pony would tell Darry in a second if he heard me and Two-Bit talking about beer. He sat in the kitchen and talked with us for a while about the rodeo. He tried to make it nonchalant when he mentioned Cherry but I knew he had probably been thinking about it non-stop since he talked to her and had to talk to somebody about it, so he came in to talk to Two-Bit about it, since he hadn't actually been there. Two-Bit completely indulged Pony and listened to everything he had to say, and my casserole was already in the oven, so I just claimed homework and closed myself into my bedroom.

Eventually, I heard Darry come in and from the way he interacted with Two-Bit in the kitchen, I knew all was forgiven. One thing I will say for Darry: as much as a hard-ass as he can be, he knows how to accept an apology. If you never apologize, he'll never forgive you, but if you offer up a heartfelt "I'm sorry," he's pretty forgiving.

"Scout, dinner!" Soda yelled. I breathed a sigh of relief. In our house, for now, all was well again.

_______________

Things slowly settled back into a routine and after a week back at school it seemed like things had never been interrupted. Darry and Soda went to work each day, and Pony and I went to school. Pony went to track practice after school, while I went to open gym with Ben and Anna to shoot baskets. My cast came off and everything had healed right, so I got the go-ahead to start playing again. Kevin was a shot-putter so when he and Pony were done with track, he picked us all up and drove us home. Pony and I usually got back before Darry and Soda, so we started dinner.

The second Tuesday that Pony and I had been back to school, we got home, started dinner, as usual, and started on our homework. Pony still did all my math and I did his science. Both of us _could_ have done it ourselves, we just hated it. If you understood something in class when the teacher explained it, it didn't seem fair that you had to go home and prove that you got it. That's what homework seemed like, to me, anyway. Darry didn't really seem to care as long as our grades held up. He knew we weren't taking each other's tests, at least.

I was tied up in the middle of an English Literature essay question when Pony came into my room. He hardly ever came into my room. I looked up.

"It's kinda late for them, isn't it?" Pony asked. I was lost in my essay world and it took me a second to figure out what he was talking about. Finally I glanced at my clock. It was six-fifteen. Usually Darry and Soda were back by five-thirty.

I jumped up. "Nobody's here yet?"

"Just us," he said.

"Let's call Soda," I said.

Pony dialed the DX while I sat next to him on the arm of the couch trying to listen.

"Hello?" It was Soda; I could hear his end of the conversation.

"Soda? What's taking you guys?"

"Pony? Darry hasn't come for me yet. He didn't call you?"

"No. Did he say he was workin' late tonight?"

"Not to me. You?" Pony turned to me.

I shook my head. He hadn't said anything to me. He always told us if he knew he was going to be late.

"He didn't say anything to us," Pony said.

I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I moved away from the phone, no longer able to hear Soda's end of the conversation.

"Okay," Pony finally said, and hung up.

"What'd he say?" I asked.

"He's gonna call Two-Bit for a ride. Steve's on 'til closing. Darry probably just got tied up, Scout. It's no big deal." I could tell Pony was a little worried, too, but I didn't say anything. I knew he didn't want me to know.

Pony and I busied ourselves setting the table and putting out dinner while we waited for Soda to get home. Finally he and Two-Bit both burst through the door.

"He ain't here yet?" Soda asked.

Pony and I both just shook our heads.

"Alright, let's just eat then, he'll probably show up while we're eatin'," Soda said. He never was one to miss a meal. Two-Bit sat down and ate at Darry's place.

I couldn't eat. I just had a bad feeling. Darry was never late without calling one of us, especially when he was supposed to be picking up Soda. The more I thought about that, the more worried I became.

When dinner was over, Two-Bit offered to do dishes. I figured he was still feeling guilty about the whole rodeo thing. Soda got on me and Ponyboy about getting our homework done, which only worried me even more. He never gave a hang about us getting homework done. He was acting like Darry, like he was trying to take his place.

Like he was practicing, in case he wasn't coming back.

I did the rest of my homework, completely unable to concentrate, and by the time I was finished it was eight-thirty. I went out into the living room to find Soda alone on the couch.

"Where'd Two-Bit go?" I asked.

"To look around, see if he could find him anywhere," he answered.

"Come on, Soda, it's not like he went to a bar or something. We're talking about Darry, here."

"I know, Scout. What else do you want me to do? I have no car. I've called the number he calls to see about work and nobody answers. I don't know what else I can do." I could sense fear in Soda's voice. It occurred to me that if anything had happened to Darry, Soda wasn't nearly as well-equipped to handle things. We had all always relied on Darry. Soda was scared, and that certainly didn't reassure me any.

"Do you know where he was working this week?"

"Not exactly, just that it was out in the woods somewhere, a bunch of hunting cabins or something. That's why he was leaving so early, because it took a while to get there."

I walked over to the couch, trying to be some sort of comfort for him, even though I couldn't deny the absolute fear in the pit of my stomach. I knew now exactly how Darry and Soda had felt when Pony and I had been missing. And I felt terribly guilty; I felt sick after only a few hours of not knowing where Darry was, they had had to deal with us being gone for days.

"Soda," I said, putting my arms around him, "He's probably fine. You and him worried about me and Pony for a week and we were fine…well, mostly fine. This is Darry we're talking about. He knows how to take care of himself." I think I was trying to convince myself of that as much as him.

"I know," Soda said, hugging me back. "You finish your homework?"

"Cut that out, Soda," I scolded. "You and I both know you don't care if it's done or not."

"I know," he admitted. "Just seemed like I should ask. Plus you know Darry'll be mad if he gets back and it ain't done."

"It's done," I said, leaning against him.

Just then Two-Bit came back in. Soda and I both looked up expectantly.

"Nothin'." He shook his head. "I couldn't find him."

Pony came out of his room at the same time.

"He's still missing?"

"Looks like it," Two-Bit said.

Ponyboy immediately changed into logistics mode. I had to give him credit; in crisis situations, he could be real practical, which was strange, because it was the complete opposite of how he was the rest of the time.

"Did you call the hospitals?" Pony asked. I felt my heart skip a beat at that thought. I knew Darry had been working at a remote site, he had to leave for work before Pony and I even woke up the past few days. If anything happened to him, a hospital would probably be at least an hour away.

"No," Soda said.

"I'll do it," Two-Bit said. God bless you, I thought, because I knew none of us could.

I felt tears running down my face, thinking about Darry, in a hospital somewhere, hurt and alone. Soda saw me and pulled me in tighter.

"He'll be okay, Scout. He will." I could feel the insecurity in Soda's body as he hugged me. He was a million percent qualified to be my brother but completely unprepared to be my guardian.

"He would never not call, Soda. Especially after…" I was thinking of the rodeo, when he made such a big deal about me having been responsible and calling him. He was always trying to be an example; there was no way he would let us worry like this, if he could help it. The scenarios in my mind just got worse and worse. It was past nine-thirty.

Two-Bit came back in the room.

"Nothing," he said. "I called all the hospitals. He ain't there."

I didn't know whether to be relieved or even more concerned.

"I'm calling Shepard," Two-Bit said. "He'll know if there was any kind of trouble around here."

Now I was scared, for sure. If Darry was in the kid of trouble Tim Shepard would know about, that wasn't good. That was the kind of trouble that Dally used to get into. That kind of trouble meant fights, jail, and probation, none of which would be good for our family, in our situation.

"Go ahead," Soda said. "That's a good idea."

I sat and listened as Two-Bit dialed.

Someone answered on the other end.

"Tim?" Two-Bit sounded pretty worried, too, which only scared me more.

"Yeah, it's Two-Bit. Mathews." A pause. "Yeah."

"Listen, have you seen Darry Curtis today? He's kinda, well… missing."

Silence. Then "Oh yeah? So you know where?"

Two-Bit was nodding, listening to what was being said on the other end while I, personally, was about to completely lose it.

"Okay, Tim, yeah. That would be great. Alright. See you soon. Thanks."

Two-Bit hung up and I practically exploded onto him.

"What did he say? Two-Bit, does he know where he is? Where is he?" With that outburst, I started to cry again, despite myself. Sometimes I really hated being the only girl around.

"Where is he?" I cried against Two-Bit. Soda came over and peeled me off of him, lowering me onto the couch next to him and rocking me in his arms, like I had tried to do when he had been crying to me about Sandy.

"He's gonna come over and he'll make some calls," Two-Bit said.

"Where is he, Soda?" I buried my face into his neck and felt Pony put a hand on me from the other side. I just sobbed. "Where is he?"

Suddenly I felt Soda get stronger, and hold me with confidence, as if, maybe, if Darry disappeared, he could step up. He held me tight, and stroked my hair back past my ears, just like Darry did.

He held me, but pushed me back, so he could look at me when he talked.

"We'll find him, Scout. Everything will be okay." There was a new confidence in his voice, and it actually did make me feel a little bit better.

I just dug my head back into his chest. I was just sitting there against him when suddenly the door slammed.

I looked up to see none other than Tim Shepard.

**A/N: Aw, that's mean, I know! Tim Shepard has entered the building and I ended the chapter. I'll end the suspense soon. Promise.  
**

**I posted an additional chapter tonight because I was so happy to have so many reviews waiting for me when I got home. Thanks especially to Riley's Momma and clumsy03 for reviewing older stuff. Getting new reviews for Epiphany and Reality is awesome. Seriously, people, the reviews are a huge motivator to keep writing. I hugely appreciate them.  
**

**Thanks also to calla lily rose and fanfar3 for posting amazing chapters to their own stuff that makes me want to do better.**


	6. The Hero

I stood up and stared at him.

"Hey, kid," he said.

"Hey, Tim," I said. "Thanks for coming over." I was desperate; if I had to appeal to the biggest hood on our side of town, I was willing.

"I'll see if I can track him down," he said. I trusted him. For some reason, I really trusted him. That ride he had given me had completely changed what I thought of him. Everyone on our side of town was afraid of him but, for some reason, I just wasn't, which was probably not too wise, on my part.

Tim sat down, straddling the arm of the couch, and grabbed the phone. He dialed a number and all we heard was his side of the conversation.

"Hey, Jimmy. Shepard."

"Yeah, you, too. Hey, you know where Curtis is working this week?'

'Yeah. Darrel Curtis. Right. You sure?"

"Alright. Yeah, I will. Thanks, man. Bye."

"Where is he?" I asked, immediately. Soda surrounded me and rubbed my head, holding me back from pouncing on Tim like I had Two-Bit.

"I ain't sure yet, kid. Give me a minute."

He dialed again.

"Ray? Tim Shepard here. I heard Darry Curtis is on your job this week?"

"Yeah, where's that at? Yeah, we're just lookin' for him, he didn't come home yet."

Tim wrote something down. I noticed he was a lefty, like me.

"Okay Ray, thanks. Yeah, right on. Bye."

I held myself back from jumping on him this time. Soda read my mind and asked for me.

"Where is he, Tim?" he asked.

"I'm not sure yet. But I'll find him."

I stepped in front of Soda, and Tim noticed. I might have been still crying; I'm not sure.

"C'mere, Little Curtis," he called me toward him, and I stood in front of him. With him on the arm of the couch and me standing, we were eye-to eye. "I won't come back until I find him, okay?'

I stared into his eyes, which I had expected to be icy and hard, like Dallas's had been. But instead there was something warm about them, almost sympathetic. They were brown, like Soda's. "Okay," I agreed. I meant to hold him to it, too.

"I'll find him," he assured me, standing up and moving me gently aside, passing me off to Ponyboy, who was closest to me. Pony surprised me by taking me in his arms and sitting on the couch with me, letting me lean up against him. Tim disappeared out the door, letting it slam behind him, but then immediately leaned halfway back in.

"One other thing- Darry got a girl?"

"Yeah," Soda answered.

"Well you might want to check with her, too."

"We will. Thanks, Tim," Two-Bit said. Two-Bit still hadn't met Alison but he knew about her from listening to the rest of us give Darry a hard time. Soda picked on him incessantly about her. I wasn't real subtle with him, either.

"I'll be back," Tim said, and was gone.

"I'll call her," I said, picking up the phone. I knew Anna's number.

The phone rang a few times and finally Mr. Harvey answered, sounding confused. I had forgotten that it was past ten-thirty.

"Hello?"

"Hi… Mr. Harvey? It's Scout Curtis."

"Scout? Is everything okay?"

"Well, not really. Darry didn't come home from work today. We were wondering if maybe you had seen him, if he came by to see Alison or something?"

"Hang on, Scout, I'll check." I heard him call Alison and talk to her in the background.

"No, honey, he didn't. You're not home by yourself, are you?"

"No, my other brothers are here. Could I talk to Alison for a minute, please?"

"Sure," he passed the receiver over to her.

"Scout?" she asked. "He never called, or anything?" She sounded as worried as I felt.

"No," I said, feeling tears again.

"Is his truck still parked at the bowling alley?"

"What? Why would it be there?"

"He told me the other day that the guys all meet up there and then drive out to the work site in just one or two cars. To save on gas money."

"I don't know, but we'll check."

"Scout, will you call me, please, when he comes back? Otherwise I'm gonna worry all night."

"I will," I said.

"You'll find him," she said.

"I hope so," I said. "Thanks, Alison."

"Bye, Scout. Hang in there."

"Bye." I hung up.

"Two-Bit, go down to the bowling alley and see if Darry's truck is there," I said. "Alison said the guys park there and drive out together."

Two-Bit was out the door practically before I finished the sentence.

I sat for a minute, then got up and went into my room. I lay down on my bed and cried into my pillow. After a minute or so I felt the weight of someone sitting next to me, and a hand rubbing my hair. I would have bet on it being Soda but, actually, it turned out to be Pony.

"Scout?" he whispered to me.

"What?" I answered.

"What are you afraid of?" He dared to ask me the most frightening question.

"Pony," I said, "You know. If anything happens to Darry…"

"What?" he asked. "What happens?"

"I get sent away," I said. "I don't get to stay with you, or Soda."

Pony leaned down and whispered in my ear.

"Never, Scout. I won't let them take you away. I swear to God, Scout. I'll run away with you again before I'd let them take you."

I sat up and hugged Pony tight and whispered in his ear.

"Where is he, Pony? He would never not call. Something has to be wrong."

"I don't know, Scout. Hopefully he's okay, but he just can't get to a phone." He held me and rubbed my back and my hair as I drifted off and fell asleep.

_________________________

The slamming of the door jarred me awake. I looked at the clock and saw that it was eleven-twenty. I had only been lying there for fifteen minutes. Pony sat up, as well; both of us had fallen asleep. We nearly tripped over each other to get out the door, hoping to see Darry, but it was Two-Bit, out of breath.

"His truck's still there," he said. "And two other cars."

I didn't know what to think about that. I guess it meant that wherever he was, at least he wasn't alone. I sat on the couch next to Soda and Pony sat on the other side of me. Two-Bit dropped into Dad's chair and we all just sat there, silently- all of us, I'm sure, thinking terrible thoughts about what might have happened to Darry. We could do nothing but wait. The silence was actually painful.

Please, Tim, I begged. Please find him.

After about ten minutes, the phone rang and all four of us jumped up, but nobody moved to answer it. I know that I, personally, was terrified that it was bad news. We all stood frozen until Two-Bit finally reached down to grab it.

"Hello?" I'd never heard such timidity in his voice.

"Darry? You okay?" A huge grin spread across his face and I could actually see, physically, the tension drain out of his body. "Where the hell are you?"

"No way," he said. Then, "yeah, just that you scared the shit out of all of us. You just took about ten years off each of our lives."

"Okay, Dar. See you then." He hung up and we all just stared at him.

"The car battery died at the worksite. They've been walking. Shepard found 'em about ten miles off the main road, walking home. He'll be home in twenty minutes."

"Thank God," Soda said.

I was crying, immediately, from relief. Pony hugged me and laughed at me, though I was pretty sure I saw him wipe away a tear, as well. "He's okay, Scout. He's fine."

I could hardly even talk. Relief cascaded out of me like a waterfall. I went limp.

"Scout, Jesus," Soda sat next to me. "He's okay. Calm down."

I fought back my emotions to finally catch my breath.

"I was so scared," I said. "I was so scared he was gone."

"He's not," Pony said. "He's not. He's fine."

I just nodded and tried as hard as I could to stop crying. Just as I had almost stopped the door opened and Darry walked in.

"Hey, y'all,' he said, joking. "Sorry I'm late." His toolbelt hit the floor with a familiar bang.

I started crying again, immediately. I couldn't even move from my spot on the couch. Soda and Pony and Two-Bit all offered some kind of manly glad-you're-okay type greeting, along with a half-hug and slap on the back, but I just looked on and tried to appear as less of a complete crybaby than I actually was. I was wondering to myself how Darry and Soda had gone through nearly a week of me and Pony being gone, while I had been reduced to an absolute puddle after losing Darry for a mere seven hours.

He saw me on the couch and came over to hug me.

"Scout, I'm okay. I'm fine, baby."

"I know." I was trying as hard as I could to calm down but it wasn't working. "I was just scared. I was scared for you. I'm sorry, Darry."

He pulled back to look at me. "What are you sorry about?"

"About making you worry, when I went with Pony. I know how it feels now. I know how scary it is, and I'm really sorry."

Darry just pulled me to him and hugged me.

"I'm sorry Scout. I couldn't call."

I opened my eyes and saw Tim talking to Two-Bit. I was surprised to see him back; he must have dropped Darry off at his truck and then come back over. I guess he took his promise to personally deliver Darry pretty seriously. I pulled away from Darry and got up, walking over to Tim, trying to pull myself together. I wasn't pleased with myself for crying in front of him.

He looked down at me as I came up to him.

"Thanks, Tim," I said. "I had a feeling you kept your promises."

"I don't promise girls stuff I can't deliver," he said, and winked at me. I wanted to hug him, as thankful as I was for having brought Darry home, but I wasn't sure how hugging a Shepard would go over, so I didn't. He put his hand on my shoulder.

"You take care, kid," he said.

"I'll try," I answered. "Really, Tim; thanks a lot."

"No problem," he said, and he was out the front door in a blur. He was starting to appear a little super-hero-ish to me, just appearing out of nowhere, fixing a problem, then leaving. And yet, I was supposed to fear him.

Two-Bit addressed us next.

"Well,y'all, seein' as how we've got that school thing in the morning, I s'pose I should get on home and get some sleep," he said. I knew I would be riding with Kevin in the morning; there was no way Two-Bit would be on time.

"Good night," I offered.

Two-Bit headed out, letting the door slam, and suddenly it was just us. We all just froze, not quite sure how to relate to each other in light of our latest crisis.

"Jesus, Darry, you scared the hell out of us," Soda said. Amen, I thought.

"I couldn't help it," he said. "I'm sorry."

"I think you better start telling us where you're working," Pony said. Seriously, he is so practical when things are stressful; if only he could always be that way, Darry wouldn't be on his case all the time about not using his head.

"That's probably a good idea," he admitted. "I'll write the addresses on the calendar with my hours, from now on," he said.

"Want me to heat up some dinner for you?" Soda asked.

"Naw, you guys have school and work in the morning. Go to sleep. I'll find something to eat."

Pony was the first to move.

"Alright. Darry. Glad you're back." He headed off to the bathroom.

"Night Pony," Darry called.

"I'm heating up dinner for you," Soda said, walking into the kitchen. "Don't argue," he added, before Darry could.

That left just Darry and me.

He came over to the couch where I sat, and sat next to me. I was still a mess, not breathing quite right.

"Scout, I'm okay." He said, putting his arm around my shoulder. "I'm back. I'm fine."

I looked down, ashamed to tell Darry what I had thought, that I had doubted him.

"I thought you might not come back. I thought maybe you left us."

"What?" He sounded shocked. "On purpose? Why would you think that?"

"Anna's Mom left, you know. She just left her and Alison, with their dad. She just left them. And Two-Bit's dad, he left. We don't always make it easy for you, taking care of us. I thought maybe it was just too much."

"Scout, I'm not going to leave you, or the boys. I would never leave, on purpose. You understand what happened, right? There was nothing I could do. We were stuck there. We were walking down a road in the middle of nowhere for six hours, for Christ's sake, until Shepard found us."

"I know," I said. "I was really scared, though, because you didn't call. You always call."

"I'm sorry," he said, taking my hand, "but unfortunately there is no phone I can just carry around in my pocket to call home from the middle of the woods."

"I know," I said.

"I love how you all assumed the worst, though- thinking I took off, calling all the hospitals…" He laughed as he pulled me up off the couch.

You gotta get to bed." He dragged me into my room and set me on the bed.

"Get changed and wash up and I'll be back in a minute," he said, and headed off into the kitchen. I heard Soda tell him that his dinner was in the oven and then head off to bed himself.

I changed into my pajamas and went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. I climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up high enough that I could pull them up over my head.

"Scout?" Darry was at my door.

"Come in," I said.

He came in and sat on my bed, reaching his hand out to smooth my hair back past my forehead.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he said.

"It wasn't just me," I said. "Even Two-Bit was scared. But we know you couldn't help it."

"I really couldn't," he said. "I would have called, baby, if I could have."

"I know." I hesitated, knowing I should wait until another time to bring up what I was thinking, but I guess I had been scared enough to ignore my common sense.

"Darry?" I asked. "Do you have a will?"

"What?" he asked.

"I don't mean to be morbid, Darry, but if Dad hadn't taken care of things before he died, I never would have been here, still. We both know I would've been sent away. So, tonight, I didn't know what would happen to me if something had happened to you. I was scared, Darry. I was sure I'd get sent away."

I could tell from his expression that he hadn't taken care of things in that department.

"That's a good point, Scout. I'll call Uncle Pat tomorrow and see about getting that done. We should have a plan for that, if something happens to me," he said, adding, "Not that I'm planning to die anytime soon."

"Nobody plans it, Darry. That's the problem." He gave me a knowing glance, correctly guessing that I was thinking about my parents. They sure hadn't planned on dying. Neither had Johnny. Of all of them, only Dallas had planned on dying.

"We'll talk about it sometime when it's not one o'clock in the morning, okay? You need to go to sleep. You're gonna be a bear to wake up tomorrow, as it is."

He was probably right about that.

"Darry, I promised Alison you'd call her when you got back, no matter how late it was."

"You called the Harveys?" he sounded mortified.

"Tim thought we should. I don't know, maybe he thought you and Alison eloped or something. Or maybe you were out on that date you promised me you'd take her on."

He stood up, shaking his head at me. "I'll call her, Scout. You go to sleep."

"Goodnight, Darry. I'm really glad you're okay."

"Well, try and remember that feeling next time you want to argue with me about something, huh?" he laughed at himself. "'Night, Scout." He shut my door but it didn't quite catch and it opened back up, just a little. I was glad because I wanted to eavesdrop on his phone call.

I heard him sigh, then pick up the phone and dial.

"Hi… Ali?" He sounded happy that it was her who answered.

"Yeah, I'm fine. The guy who drove us out today didn't turn his lights off and the battery died. We were the last ones to leave so we had to walk."

"Yeah, about twenty miles or so until a friend picked us up," he laughed.

"Yeah, they are pretty tired."

"Well, I don't want to keep you up, but Scout told me I had to call."

"Yeah, she is. She was worried I just took off," he laughed again.

"Alright, well you sleep tight, okay? I'll see you Thursday, right?"

"Okay. 'Night, Alison."

He hung up and I heard him sit down at the table and start eating whatever Soda had warmed up for him. Slowly the sound faded away as I slipped into sleep, knowing that what was left of my family was home safe.

**A/N: Alas, Shepard saves the day, again! **

**Can you imagine that? A phone you could carry around in your pocket to call home from the middle of the woods? Hahaha! I challenge anyone to show me a modern-day roofer without a cell phone!**

**I love you all, reviewers!**


	7. The Setup

Darry was right about me not wanting to get up the next morning. I was exhausted from the minute Soda dragged my butt out of bed until I hit the pillow again that night, almost immediately after dinner. I had drifted off a few times during class and, at open gym, I had been barely able to manage taking a few shots before lying down on the bleachers and napping until Kevin came to get us. I couldn't imagine how Darry had been able to work another whole day after being up so late, and having walked twenty miles the day before, to boot. Ponyboy was in just as bad shape as I was, and he could barely keep his eyes open at the table.

"I'm sorry, guys, but I can't keep you home just because you're tired. You already missed so much school, and you're both gonna miss again on Monday 'cause of court."

Ugh. Court again. I wasn't looking forward to that. Pony still hadn't talked to any of us about Dallas or Johnny; I was worried about what would happen when they had to ask him questions. This time it would just be me and Pony answering questions; Soda and Darry had nothing to do with that kid dying. Neither did I, really, except for my stupid decision to take Johnny's knife before I set off for home. I was regretting that now, for sure.

Darry could see how exhausted Pony and I both were, and, in a rare moment of guardianship leniency, he asked, "You two have any study halls tomorrow?"

Pony and I both nodded.

"Think you can get your homework done then?" he asked.

Again we nodded.

"You two just go to bed then. I'll get the dishes. We got pizza night tomorrow, so I'd rather have you crash early tonight." Right. He didn't want us falling asleep at Angelo's since he wanted all the time he could get with Alison. For Pete's sake, just ask her out, I thought, though I didn't say anything.

Words could not express how happy I was to get excused from homework. I couldn't remember Darry ever having told me to forget about it; I guess he was still feeling bad about making us all worry so much the previous night.

I hit the pillow and was out.

_________________

I had been looking forward to Thursday night all week, because Anna and I had a plan. Waiting around for Darry to ask Alison out was just about killing both of us, so Anna and I had conspired with her dad to ask the day waitress to stay on for the Saturday night shift, then tell Alison he felt bad and had asked her to work because she had let on that she needed the money. Mr. Harvey really liked Darry; I think he wanted him to ask Alison out almost as much as we did.

If Darry didn't ask her out once he knew she was free, I had every intention of harrassing him all night until he picked up the phone and called her. There was no question in my mind about how much they liked each other, so I was struggling to figure out what the problem was, realizing that all it really could be was _us._ Me and the boys. For some reason Darry was convincing himself that he couldn't have a girlfriend and take care of us at the same time. Obviously that was crap, and I intended to get him to realize it.

He was at the gym doors to get me, Anna, and Pony, right on time. Pony looked tired; he had been running especially hard trying to get back in shape after our time at the church. He was a real big-shot for just being a freshman, and before all our trouble there had been a piece in the newspaper about him being the best track prospect at our school in years. I know he wanted to do well, to prove himself to Darry, more than anyone. I knew just how he felt. We all wanted to make Darry proud.

Pony climbed into the back and Anna and I hopped into the front, me in the middle, even though Anna was always begging to sit next to Darry. I thought that was pretty funny. It always amused me how girls swooned around my brothers.

We picked up Soda at the DX and, as usual, Darry grabbed Anna's bag and carried it for her as we walked down to the restaurant from where we had parked. I swear, sometimes Darry parked far away on purpose so, later, he could send us all down to the car and get time alone with Alison.

We went into the pizzeria and assumed our usual seats by the window. Anna went up to change and Mr. Harvey brought us our usual pitchers of Pepsi. Alison was obviously tied up at a table with a bunch of little kids who seemed to need something new and labor-intensive every time she went to check on them.

"So, I called Pat about the will," Darry said, suddenly.

"Whose will?" Soda asked.

"Mine," Darry said. "Scout pointed out to me the other night that we don't have any kind of plan in place if something happened to me. You all know the only reason we're all still together now is because Dad had the good sense to prepare for the worst."

"Darry, but… c'mon," Pony said.

"I'm not askin' for anything bad to happen, Pony. I'm just preparing so you are all taken care of if something did happen. Wouldn't you rather know what was gonna happen now than have to worry about figuring it out then? If I'm gone, I can't speak up for you three."

"I guess so," Pony admitted.

"So, Pat's taking care of everything getting written up, but I need to know what you want to happen."

"I want you to never die," I said. Darry laughed.

"Me too. But, assuming that for some reason that doesn't happen, what do you want to happen? Right now, they wouldn't let you stay with Soda. He's too young. Patrick said he would be willing to become your guardian until Soda is old enough, if need be."

"We would get to stay together?"

"Yeah, but you'd all have to go to Texas and stay with him."

I thought about him, with his four boys already. "That's a lot of kids," I said.

"It'd just be temporary, right?" Soda asked, "Until I was old enough?"

"Right," Darry said, "if that's what you want, Soda. We can always ask somebody else to take custody."

Soda looked hurt. "You don't think I could handle it, do you?"

"I know you could, buddy," Darry said, putting his arm around his shoulder. "I'm just giving you the option to not _have to_." I wondered if Dad had given Darry that option, or if he had just assumed that's what Darry would want to do. I really hoped Darry had chosen it. I knew I would never ask him, though, for some reason.

"No," Soda said. "If anything happens, when I'm eighteen, I'll take custody. That okay with you two?"

Pony and I nodded; both of us, I think, hoping that our agreement wasn't somehow condemning Darry to some horrible premature death.

"Okay then, I'll have him write things up," Darry said. "No more talking about dying and stuff now, okay?"

This time we all nodded.

The timing was perfect, as just then Anna returned from upstairs and Alison got a momentary reprieve. The family with all the children had finally left in a cloud of noise and chaos.

"Holy cow, it's never like this on Thursdays, this early anyway," Alison said, as she squeezed in next to Pony and Darry.

"Well, at least you got a night off this weekend," Anna said. She was wasting no time, I guess. Go, Anna!

"A night off, huh?" Darry asked. "So what are you gong to do with yourself?" I was about to explode with happiness at how well this was working. Anna, I could tell, felt the same.

"I don't know," she said. "I never have Saturdays off. What do people do around here on a Saturday night?"

"Well, if you don't have any plans, I could take you around town, show you your options," Darry said, smiling. I had to physically restrain myself to sit still. Anna was studiously reading her own family's menu to try to ground herself, too, I could tell.

"That sounds good, " Alison, said, smiling and standing up, as a new bunch of customers came in.

"Seven o'clock okay?" Darry asked.

"Perfect," she said. Anna and I kicked each other under the table. It had been too easy, really. We should have done it months ago.

The rest of the time eating our pizzas was spent talking about silly stuff: relating to Anna about how Darry had been missing, which, in retrospect, _was_ kind of funny now that we knew he was okay, and talking about Pony's track practice and how basketball was going for me and Anna. She was actually improving a lot; most of the upperclassmen didn't bother to practice if they didn't have to, so Anna was creeping up on them in the skills department. Plus she had the added benefit of height; I swear she grew an inch a week, which made me feel like I was actually shrinking. Finally, as usual, Darry tossed Soda the keys and told Soda to go start the car and he'd meet us there. I went over and talked to Anna while I saw Darry and Alison sneak out the front door.

"Maybe I can come over on Saturday, when they go out," I suggested.

"That would be so great! Scout, this is perfect!" Anna was as excited as I was.

"I'll ask him tomorrow," I said. I was really enjoying having a girl for a friend. The fact that my brother liked her sister was just an added bonus.

"Finally!" Anna said, voicing my own relief that finally they were going on a date.

"I know! I'll let you know tomorrow," I said, turning to head out the door. I admit, I glanced down the alley between the pizzeria and the post office to make sure that what I hoped was taking place actually was. I was happy to see Darry leaning in on Alison, backed up against the wall, his hands on either side of her face and their lips making more than minor contact.

I just went and climbed into the truck next to Soda, smiling.

"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

"Are you kidding me? Darry _finally_ asked her out!" I said.

"I know, " Soda said, giggling.

"Don't say anything, okay Soda? I don't know why, but for some reason he's shy about it. Don't pick on him, 'kay?"

I could see Soda thinking about it. "Okay," he finally agreed, "but only because he hasn't been out with a girl since Mom and Dad died."

Darry came back to the car and hopped in, squeezing me between him and Soda and slamming the door with considerably more authority than necessary.

I just looked at him and smiled. He knew how badly I had wanted him to ask Alison out.

"Good job," I whispered. He just smiled and squeezed my knee as Soda put the truck into gear and headed for home.


	8. The Date

**A/N: Just for re-clarification... there is another Scout Curtis on fanfiction. She belongs to Erinskie (she just posted, almost exactly when I did, which is kind of funny) and she is Pony's twin. This Scout is different than my Scout. We wrote them at different times, in different places, and they are different characters. We just happened to give our characters the same name :-) She knows about my Scout, and I know about hers, and I think that says a lot about the kind of encouragement for good writing that should be happening here on fanfiction. I think her story is awesome, and I can read her story without confusing her Scout with mine, and I hope all our mutual readers can, too!**

Friday night, right after dinner, I started in on him.

"So, Darry, when you go on your date, what time would you have to have her back home, you think?"

He looked at me suspiciously. "I don't know."

"Well, what do you think? Midnight?"

"I don't know. What are you really asking me, here, Scout?" he asked.

"Well, I thought maybe I could go hang out with Anna while you guys go out. I mean, it's a weekend, and you have to pick her up and bring her back anyway, so maybe I could stay with Anna. Mr. Harvey will be right there, in the restaurant and everything, so you won't have to worry."

I could see Darry thinking about it. I knew he liked the idea of me having girlfriends. Lord knows; I spent enough time with boys.

"Okay," he agreed, "but only because it's a weekend."

I spent all of the day on Saturday just waiting for it to be time to go to Anna's. Soda and Pony both laughed at me at dinner, where neither Darry nor I really ate anything.

"So who here has a date, you or Scout?" Soda asked Darry, making fun of both of us.

"Shut up, Soda." I almost added something about him not having a date, then I remembered about Sandy and I caught myself, thankfully. That would have been worse than mean.

"I'm just glad to hang out with another girl," I said. It did get old, being around boys all the time. "Being around you guys so much is becoming damaging to my intelligence." Ponyboy smacked my knee under the table and it could have turned into a full-on wrestling match if Darry hadn't stopped us.

After dinner, Darry showered and got all dressed up for his date. Pony and Soda gave us an immeasurable ration of crap as we left.

"You two be careful," Soda called out after us.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Pony called, laughing. I heard Soda laugh back at him for saying that.

"You? You wouldn't do _anything_!" Soda said.

"Shut up," Pony said to him, and they forgot all about picking on us and started in on each other.

Darry was chuckling at them as we jumped into the truck.

"So, where are you taking her?" I asked, as soon as we were on our way. "Dinner? The movies?"

"What, are you writing a book?" Darry asked.

"I just think I should know, in case of emergency," I said, trying to sound serious.

"Oh, is that so?" He asked. "In case of emergency, you can call Soda at home. He's your backup guardian. Nice try, though."

I shrugged. "Well, just treat her really nice, okay? She's great."

"I know, Scout," he said. "I know she is."

"Hey Darry?"

"What?" he sounded wary.

"You smell really good." He did; he smelled like soap and the aftershave my Dad used to use. To me, that's what good men smelled like.

"You're funny, Scout," he said, fake-punching me in the shoulder.

When we got to Angelo's, Mr. Harvey sent us upstairs. Alison answered the door, ready to head out with Darry, and she sent me into Anna's room.

"Bye, Scout," Darry said. "Use your manners," he added. That always took my breath away, a little.

"Bye, Darry," I said, then added, unable to help myself, "Use _your_ manners."

He laughed, shaking his head at me, as he and Alison headed downstairs. Seeing Alison in everyday clothes instead of her waitressing clothes, I remembered how pretty she really was.

"So what do you wanna do?" Anna asked, the second they had left.

"I don't know," I said. "What is there to do?"

"Let's take Ali's makeup and I'll do your hair and makeup and we can talk." Anna was way more into the girly stuff than I was, most of the time, but I was willing to go along with it. This certainly wasn't something anyone would ever offer to do for fun at _my_ house.

"Won't she be mad?" I asked. I had no idea what older sisters let their kid sisters do with their stuff; my only experience was with older brothers, and I knew better, from an early age on, than to touch anything of theirs without permission.

"She won't care. She gives me lessons sometimes. I'll just tell her I was practicing. Go sit on my bed." She went off into the bathroom to get Alison's makeup. I went into her room and sat on the bed.

Just a moment later she was back, with a bag of makeup like I had never seen. I had never been that interested in how my Mom got herself made up, but from what I could tell, she never used anything but mascara and lipstick. I didn't even know what half the stuff Anna brought in was for. It certainly hadn't looked like Alison had been wearing much makeup either.

"So, you gonna let me doll you up?" she asked.

"Well, _I_ sure wouldn't know what to do with all that stuff," I said.

"Well, then. Let's get down to business," she said, turning on her radio. "You want anything to drink?"

"I guess so... a soda?" I asked.

"I can steal a beer for you from my Dad's, if you want, " she said.

I thought about it, how Two-Bit had said it made everything easier. I was kinda curious about it. I knew Darry would be back, though, and didn't want him mad at me after his date. I knew you could smell when people had been drinking beer. You couldn't be friends with Two-Bit and not know that.

"Nah, just soda's good," I said.

"Okay, get your hair back out of your face for me," she said, and took off for the kitchen. I took out the elastic I had been using and pulled the front part of my hair back off my face, resecuring it in the elastic. Anna returned with a Pepsi for me and a beer for herself. I was pretty surprised; I knew people my age who drank- Ben did, sometimes- but usually in secret, not at home with their parents around.

"Your Dad lets you drink beer?" I asked.

"He doesn't know. He and Ali drink a beer after work, usually, to wind down. He doesn't keep track," she said. "I only have one once in a while, when I feel like being a rebel," she laughed. I thought about Darry letting me drink beer and had to laugh, too. There was no way.

"What are you laughing about?" she asked.

"Nothing. Just that if I drank beer at my house I'd be dead, for sure," I said.

"You might be surprised," she answered. "My Dad just doesn't even notice."

There was always beer in our fridge, and she might have been right; maybe nobody would notice. Interesting. Tonight was not a night I wanted Darry on my case, though; I wanted him happy. He deserved it. So I was sticking with Pepsi.

"So, you gonna make me into Miss Oklahoma or what?" I asked.

"You bet I am," Anna smiled and picked up the makeup bag.

After an hour or so, she was satisfied with what she had done with my face and she started in on my hair. She rolled it in curlers and put some sort of shower-curtain thing over it as she let it "set." Next she dragged an entire bag of clothes out of her closet and announced: "These are for you. They don't fit me anymore."

"C'mon, Anna. Seriously? A whole bag? Darry won't let me take that." She knew all about how Darry was anti-charity.

"So, we'll just do it a little at a time, then," she answered. "I can just bring a couple things to school each day and give them to you at basketball and you can take them home in your bag."

"I guess so," I answered. There was no way Darry would not notice if I started wearing clothes he had never seen before, but I guessed I'd just wait for him to mention it, and deal with it then.

Anna seemed satisfied with what she'd done with my hair so finally she brushed it out, put a barrette in it, and stood me up.

"Okay, you can look now," she said, pushing me over to the mirror.

I didn't know how to react to what I saw. A stranger stared back at me. My usual straight hair was all curly and, well… just…_big_, for lack of a better word. The makeup probably did make me look a little older, but it certainly made me look quite a bit trashier, too. I looked like the greaser girls that were always flirting with Soda and Steve down at the DX. This was not a look that Darry would appreciate on me, I was pretty sure.

"I think it's a little bit much, don't you?" I asked.

"Well, I was going for the dramatic look," she said.

"Well I think this might be a bit more drama than Darry is ready to see on me," I said. "I hate to destroy your handiwork, but I'm gonna have to wash it off before he gets back."

"Aw, you're no fun," Anna said. Then she looked at me standing in front of the mirror and suddenly said:

"You know, Scout, you're getting boobs."

"_Anna_," I said. I knew she was right, though. My body _had_ been changing, and I had been trying to cover up that fact as best I could, which hadn't been that hard because most of my clothes were too big on me after the whole church/hospital week. Both Pony and I had lost a bunch of weight.

"No, really. You are. You should probably start wearing a bra." She didn't really sound critical, more like she was just trying to be helpful.

"I know," I said, "but it's not exactly something I want to talk about with Darry. Or any of the boys, for that matter." Though the thought of bra shopping with Two-Bit momentarily amused me. He'd probably be the least embarrassing to ask, actually. Though he'd joke about it for all eternity. Yeah, that was not going to be happening.

"I guess that is tough," she said. "I'm lucky to have Ali around, because I wouldn't want to talk to my Dad about it either. Let me see, maybe I have something for you in that department."

Anna had been wearing a bra since we met. As well as being much taller than me, she was way ahead of me in the puberty realm as well. Last fall during basketball season, she had started her period and since then had asked me at least once a month if it had happened yet for me. I was in no hurry. I was glad that my mom had given me "the talk" a few months before she died; the thought of having to sit through that with Darry made my toes curl.

"Here, try this on." She pulled out what had to have been one of her first bras ever.

"Now?" I asked.

"Yeah, now. I'll turn around." She turned and faced the wall.

I pulled my shirt off my head and put it on underneath, struggling a bit with the hooks in the back but eventually getting it. I put my shirt back on and looked in the mirror. Things didn't look all that different under the loose shirt, but I had to admit to feeling a bit more, well, _contained_.

"Okay," I said. Anna turned around and took a good look.

"You need to tighten the straps. Here," she reached down the neck of my shirt and adjusted a few things. It did feel better when she was done.

"Perfect. Problem solved," she said. "I think I have one more like that one too, somewhere." She began digging in a drawer in the vicinity of where she had found the first one. Finally she pulled it out and put it in a bag with one of the outfits from the bigger bag she had pulled out earlier.

"Thanks, Anna," I said. I really did appreciate it. I had been thinking about the bra quandary for a while, especially since I knew I was the only girl on the basketball team not wearing one yet.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror again and remembered about the makeup.

"Really, I have to get this off my face before Darry comes back, he'll have a heart attack if he sees me all greaser-chick-ed up like this." Anna was laughing as she followed me into the bathroom and watched me scrub it all off. By the time I was finished, my face was all red from the scrubbing. The hair alone actually didn't look that bad; just different. I was still waiting for it to grow out so I could go back to my braids.

"So what should we do now?" she asked.

"What time is it?" I asked. She glanced around the corner at the kitchen clock.

"Ten-thirty," she said. C'mon, let's see what's on TV. Maybe there's something on this late that kids aren't supposed to see." Anna definitely seemed to be in more of a hurry to grow up than I was. Even though she was a year older, she seemed a lot more eager to break the rules than I was most of the time. I guess maybe it was a little easier for her; she didn't have Darry and a whole horde of boys watching over her like a hawk to make sure she didn't get out of line. I felt a little jealous. I almost wished I had taken her up on the beer; God only knows when I'd ever get another chance to try one.

We turned on the television and flopped down on the couch. Not much was on, just a bunch of movies that neither of us were particularly interested in watching. I had to admit, I was getting a little tired.

"So, how's Ben?" Anna asked.

"He's fine," I answered. For some reason I just didn't want to talk about him to Anna.

"Did you kiss him yet?" she asked me. I remembered the kiss on the cheek he had given me before court, and the one I had given him after. I felt my cheeks get red and hoped she wouldn't notice. I hated to admit it, but I had been thinking about Ben quite a bit lately.

"No," I half-lied. "What about you? Who are you kissing these days anyway?" Anna had had a short fling with a boy from the freshman basketball team a month or so ago that both began and ended with a brief but intense kissing session behind the gym bleachers.

"Oh, I don't know, I hear your brother Soda's single now," she joked.

"Don't ever say anything to him about that, Anna," I warned. "She broke his heart. He was really in love with her."

"Why'd she take off, anyway?"

"I don't know." I had my ideas, but nobody seemed to want to tell me, for sure.

"I don't know," Anna said, "I think maybe I'm gonna go for a sophomore next, though," she said. She probably would, too.

The news came on and most of it was about the war going on in Vietnam. That was another thing, in the back of my mind, that I worried about; that Darry or Soda would have to go fight in the war. I wasn't sure how that worked; whether they could make them go when they still had me and Pony to look out for, but I tried not to think about it, especially when they showed young man after young man coming home in a bodybag. By the time the news ended and the Tonight Show came on, both Anna and I were struggling to stay awake. Finally, we heard Darry and Alison talking to her Dad, who was downstairs cleaning and closing up the restaurant. Their voices came closer and, eventually, they came through the apartment door, Darry wearing the biggest smile I had seen on him in ages. He stopped short when he saw my hair.

"Whoa, was there some beauty parlor activity going on here tonight?"

"Yeah, Anna did it," I said. Ali examined me.

"Not too bad, Anna," she said.

"Thanks," Anna said. "You guys have fun?"

"We did," Alison said, smiling and blushing. Gosh, she was pretty. Almost in the same way as that Cherry at the rodeo, just that her coloring was different.

"You ready to go?" Darry asked me. I guess he could tell I was pretty tired.

"I just have to get something out of Anna's room," I said, and disappeared down the hall. Anna followed me. I took the bag with the clothes and bra that she had given me and glanced in the mirror again.

"Do you think he'll notice?" I asked, "about the bra?"

"Probably," Anna said. "Guys are always looking at girls' boobs."

"Anna! For Christ's sake, he's my brother!"

"I'm just sayin…" she answered.

It was obvious when we came out to the living room again that there had been a good-night kiss in our absence. Both of them were blushing now.

"So, I'll call you after court on Monday, let you know how it goes," Darry said. Crap. Court. I had forgotten all about that.

"Okay," Ali said, letting her hand slip out of his, slowly.

"Let's go, kiddo," Darry ushered me out the door.

"So, where'd you two go?" I asked him immediately when we got into the truck.

"I'm not telling you anything," he said. "You'll tell the boys and I'll never hear the end of it."

"I wouldn't. Well, did she have fun, at least? And you treated her real good?"

"Yes, I think, and yes," he said.

"Did you kiss a lot?"

"_Scout_," he warned.

"Okay, okay..." I stopped.

"What did you do?" He asked me.

"Well, Anna did my hair and put makeup on me, and we watched TV."

"Makeup, huh? That must have looked interesting."

"I washed it off. I don't think you would have liked it. I looked like the girls at the DX."

"Probably not, then. That all you did?"

I thought about the beer Anna drank and offered me, and the bra I was now wearing, and all the talk about kissing.

"That's all," I said.

I think, for the first time ever, I was starting to know what being a teenager felt like.

**A/N: For some reason this chapter and the last one were really hard to write. I hope they don't suck too much! It's really hard when you're not actually at the awkward age of twelve and a half to remember what it feels like to be there. And to go through all that awkward stuff with only brothers… ugh.**

**Please review and let me know what you thought.**


	9. The Undergarment

Sunday morning everyone slept late, except for Darry, who was gone before any of us even woke up. He had some new job where they had to get all the work done in short periods of time, at strange hours, when the businesses weren't open.

I finally shuffled out of my room at around ten-thirty. Soda was sitting at the kitchen table, watching intently everything Pony did at the stove.

"Hungry, Soda?" I asked.

"Starving," he smiled, realizing that he had been staring. "How was your date?" Pony and Soda had been asleep when Darry and I had gotten home.

"Right, like Darry would let me go out on a date!" I said. "I think his date went good though," I said.

"Went _well_, you mean," Pony said, not even turning around.

"Pony, I'm not writing a damned essay here, or speaking to the President, I'm talking to my brother in my own kitchen. Lay off." I hated when he corrected me all the time.

"Well, a little feisty today, huh?"

"Shut it, Pone." I think we were both on edge about court the next day. I was wondering what they would ask me. I was afraid that I wouldn't remember a lot of the details about what had happened all that well. And I hadn't even seen the actual stabbing. Plus, I wasn't really sure what the point of any of it was anyway; everyone knew that Johnny was the one who had killed Bob, and he was already dead. I mean, what were they gonna do, dig up his coffin and put it in jail? I didn't see why anyone had to go to court at all, really.

"Soda, are you coming with us tomorrow?" Somehow I just felt like it would be easier for me and Pony with all of us there.

"I don't have to go in until two. I switched with one of the afternoon guys. So, yeah."

That was good. In my experience, court usually started early and, hopefully, if things went well, we would be out of there by the time Soda had to work.

Pony had gone silent. He put eggs and hash on each of our plates, put the pans in the sink, and sat and ate silently, staring at his plate.

"You okay, Pony?" Soda asked. I knew I had gotten him upset by bringing up court. I supposed he had a lot more to be nervous about than I did.

"I'm fine," he said, the stress easily detectible in his voice.

"It'll be fine, Pony," Soda said, putting his arm around him and putting his hand under his chin and forcing him to look up. "You didn't do anything wrong, Pony. Or Scout, either. You didn't do anything."

"I know," Pony said, his voice wavering. I know he hated crying in front of me, so I got up and went into the bathroom, giving him a second to regroup. When I came back, he was composed but silent. He finished his breakfast and put his dishes in the sink, heading back into his bedroom. I heard the door shut and moved over closer to Soda.

"Has he talked to you about them, at all?" I asked.

"Not really," Soda said. "Whenever I try to bring it up, he starts to cry and then gets mad. He says he doesn't want to talk about it."

"Did Darry tell you what happened when that kid's friend came to see him?" I asked.

"Yeah." Soda looked concerned.

"I'm worried, Soda. What if that happens in court? What if they think he's crazy or something?"

"He's not crazy, Scout." Soda put his hand on my shoulder. "He's upset. He lost his best friend. I know how that feels."

First I was confused, thinking he meant Steve, but then I realized he meant Sandy.

"Now they want to make him talk about it, in front of everybody. He's scared, Scout. You know how he hates to cry in front of you, and Darry. Christ, that girl he likes will be there. He's afraid he'll embarrass himself."

I realized how, no matter how close Pony and I ever managed to get, Soda would always understand him better than I would. I had never even thought about that, how he just didn't want to cry in front of everyone. I remembered how I had bawled the last time we went to court; I guess that wouldn't look so tough in front of a group of people when you had your reputation to think about.

"I'll get the dishes," I said. "You go with him." Pony needed Soda, not me.

I washed and dried all the dishes and the pans, keeping myself busy by washing and drying the pans under the burners on the stove, rearranging things in the refrigerator, and even throwing out a few things in there that looked to be well past their prime. I took out some hamburger from the freezer to defrost for dinner and, finally, realizing it was almost noon, I took a shower and got dressed, donning the bra that Anna had given me the night before, and feeling a bit sad that it had been Anna, and not my Mom, who had been the one to usher me through that rite of passage.

I sighed and opened my top drawer, taking out Mom's ring that Darry had given to me last Christmas. I never wore it because I was too afraid to lose it; I kept it in a box with the Starfish necklace that dad had given me just before he died. Those were my connection to them; all I had left that connected them to me. I could put that necklace and ring on and feel them, physically, on my body, a part of me.

God, I missed them.

I put the ring back into the box, closed the drawer and went back out into the living room. Soda was on the couch watching TV and looking at some car magazine. He and Steve occasionally used to bring girly magazines into the house but once Darry found Ponyboy looking at one and completely flipped his lid. I thought the whole thing was pretty funny, because he tried to yell at the boys about it without letting on to me what was going on or what he was mad about. Of course, I knew the whole time.

I sat down next to Soda on the couch and he put the magazine down. "He doesn't want to talk to me," he said. "He's just drawing, or something."

"When's Darry coming home?" I asked. I just always felt like with Darry around, things felt safer. I guess that was why I had panicked so much when he had been missing the other day.

"Two, I think, he said."

I looked at the clock. It was a little before one.

"Steve's coming over and we're going out for a while," he said. "You okay alone here with Pony?"

"I'm fine," I said. I had been wanting to ask Soda something for a while, though.

"Hey… Soda?"

"What?" he was tossing a pen into the air, flipping it and catching it. He couldn't sit still.

"How old were you when you had your first kiss?"

He sat up, stared at me and smiled. "You're kissing someone? Who?"

"I'm not," I said. "I just wondered how old you were."

"Ten," he said, suddenly bashful.

"_Soda!_" I said. "Ten? Seriously? Who?"

"Jackie Traynor. On the playground, in fifth grade."

"A real kiss?"

"It sure felt real. But I guess if you're talking about tongue, it was seventh grade, Bonnie Johnson."

"_Soda_…" now I was laughing.

"You shouldn't be kissing anyone, though," he said. "Minimum age for girls is sixteen."

"You just told me you kissed a ten-year-old."

"Oh, right… well, in the case of a Curtis girl, that ain't allowed."

I smacked him with a pillow. "How old was Darry?" I asked.

"Well, I caught him making out in the lot with Linda Garvey when he was twelve. Before that, I don't know."

I didn't ask about Ponyboy. He was just so shy around girls. I wasn't sure if he had even had his first kiss yet, and I almost felt bad thinking that I might have mine before him.

Just as I was thinking that, Steve came in the door. He looked annoyed to see me, but I think after Anna's comment about all guys looking at girls' boobs, he was the first one I noticed actually do it. I am sure he noticed that I was wearing a bra. He gave my a sneer-like look when Soda wasn't looking. I could never understand what his problem was. I knew his dad beat on him, but I sure didn't have anything to do with that. I just got up and went back into my room.

"You guys have fun."

"Seeya, Scout. Darry should be home soon." Soda and Steve headed out the door.

"'Kay," I called.

I waited until I was sure they were gone and then wandered down toward Ponyboy's room. I hesitated for a moment then knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah," he said, sounding as hesitant as I had felt about knocking.

I opened the door. He was sitting at his desk, writing something.

"What're you doing?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said. Okay, I thought, so he doesn't want to talk. I sat down on the bed and suddenly something peeking out from under the bed caught my eye. I reached down and pulled it out. I saw Pony watching me. I felt my breath catch. It was Dally's jacket. I had forgotten; Pony had it at the church. Dallas had loaned it to him that night.

I just held it, looking at the burn on the back. It must have been from the church fire. I raised it to my nose, for some reason smelling it, wanting it to remind me of Dallas, of who he had been. I was already forgetting him, as much of a character as he had been. I could remember my Mom and Dad- their smells, their voices. But after only a few weeks I could feel Dallas and Johnny fading away, bit by bit. Pony watched me the whole time, and, as I finally lay back on the bed, holding Dally's jacket against me, he came and sat with me. He didn't say anything, just rubbed my back. So, for sure, he must have noticed my new undergarment, but, to his credit, he said nothing at all.

"I missed it, Pony," I said, eventually. "I missed both of them dying. I just woke up and they were gone."

"You didn't want to be there," he said, and I was surprised to see that he was crying, tears running down his cheeks, but his voice was as even as ever. "It was hard, Scout. It was really hard. I'm glad you weren't there."

I realized that Pony was the only one of us who had seen both Johnny and Dally die. Suddenly I just felt bad- really, truly bad for him. The enormity of what he had bottled up inside of him hit me. I could see how he was at the very edge of what he could handle, emotionally. I remembered what Darry had said, how he couldn't bear to have to tell us if anything had had happened to Two-Bit; he was right. Pony, at least, just couldn't take any more.

"Pony, are you going to be okay, at court tomorrow?" I was really worried about him. I didn't care what they asked me, but I wished I could be a buffer around Pony, protecting him from anything they might ask that would upset him.

"I hope so," he said, with more honesty in his voice than I had heard since his breakdown at the church.

"Pony…" I sat up, and he sat up beside me and looked down at the floor. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that it was okay to cry; that nobody would think any less of him. But, then again, I wasn't a fourteen year old boy trying to be tough in front of his brothers and in front of the girl he had a crush on, and the people who had, in essence, killed his best friend.

"You won't be alone," was the best I was able to manage.

"I know," he said. "But I feel like a traitor, Scout. He was my best friend. And I have to stand up in court and say he did something terrible. He killed somebody. And it was because of me." Now he was really crying, the way he had been at the church. "It was because of me, Scout."

"It wasn't your fault, Pony." Now I was the one doing the back rubbing.

"It _was_. If I didn't fall asleep that night, if I didn't run out when Darry got mad. We never should have even been there." His body was racking with sobs now, and I frantically searched my mind for evidence to prove him wrong, to show that it hadn't been his fault.

"Pony, you didn't do anything wrong. You were just there. They came after you. _They_ made the wrong choice. Johnny was just fighting back. Everybody knows that. Nobody is blaming you. Johnny didn't blame you." This, of course, I was not sure about; I had never seen Johnny again after I left the church, but I knew that Johnny had loved Ponyboy like a brother.

He just cried. We sat on the bed, Dally's jacket crushed between us. I didn't know what else to do, but just let him cry, so that's all I did, rubbing his back and telling him, over and over again, "It wasn't your fault, Pony. It wasn't your fault," hoping that eventually he would believe it. At one point I looked up to see Darry standing in the doorway. I hadn't heard him come in. He gave me a questioning look and I gave him a slight nod, thinking that maybe it was better for Pony to not know that he had witnessed this. He nodded back, and turned and quietly walked toward the kitchen.

Pony let me hold him for a few more minutes as his crying slowed and he stopped shaking.

"I'm okay now," he said softly, letting go of me.

"Are you sure?" I asked. He looked better, but far from okay.

"Yeah," he said. "Thanks."

"You need anything?" I asked him. That question seemed completely ridiculous once I had asked it; the enormity of what he needed was so far beyond my capability to provide it.

"No, I'm good. I think I'm just gonna read for a while."

"Okay, I said, walking over to the door. "You want it closed?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I almost told him, one more time before I left, that nobody blamed him, but he had already picked up a book and started reading so I just closed the door and went down the hallway into the kitchen. Darry was sitting expectantly at the table.

"So what was that all about?" he asked, quietly.

I pulled the chair out and sat next to him.

"I found Dally's jacket- I forgot that Pony had it. I was looking at it and, well, he finally started talking about them. He thinks it was his fault, what happened to Johnny. And he feels like he's betraying him, or something, by testifying about it. I told him nobody thinks it's his fault."

Darry just sighed and shook his head. I remembered then that Darry had said to me once that he felt everything was all _his_ fault, for hitting Pony that night. It suddenly occurred to me that it was possible to assign blame in any direction, if you thought about it enough. It could have been my fault, for not making my presence known at the park; maybe if there was a girl there the Socs wouldn't have started anything. It could have been Two-Bit's fault, for not sticking with Pony and Johnny after the movie, it could have been Dally's fault for leaving them at the movies, it could have been Bob's parents' fault, for raising him to be a bully… My head was spinning at the thought of how somehow, we all were to blame, and yet, no matter who you picked, it didn't make a damned bit of difference in the end.

Dallas and Johnny were gone. Forever. And no matter who anyone chose to blame, that fact was not gonna change. I found myself sighing and shaking my head as well.

"Are you nervous?" Darry asked, "about court?"

"Not really about me," I said. "I didn't even see anything, and I already told the cops how I got the knife. I just hope I remember everything okay. I'm scared for Pony, though."

"Yeah," Darry said, "I know what you mean. Maybe that helped, though, a little bit? Talking to you?"

"I don't know," I said. I was pretty skeptical. When it came to providing any kind of comfort for my brothers I generally felt like I came up short.

"I don't even get it, Darry, why we have to go to court about this. Everybody knows it was Johnny that killed him, and he's already dead. What's the point?"

"I really don't know, baby."

"They aren't gonna punish Pony, are they? He didn't even do anything."

"Well, as long as everybody else says the same thing, they shouldn't."

"I'm just tired of all this. Court. Why can't they just leave us alone?"

"Tell me about it," Darry said, and there was no betraying the exhaustion in his voice. I realized he was worrying not only for himself, but for both me and Pony too.

"Come here," I pulled him out of the kitchen chair and into the living room and sat him on the floor in front of the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked as I sat behind him.

"Well, I know I'm no Soda, but, if you coach me, maybe I'll improve," I said, grabbing his shoulders and attempting my best imitation of Soda's backrub.

"Hmmm… Not too bad," he commented, "for a girl." This was one of all three brothers' favorite ways to tease me. They'd start with a compliment; then add "…for a girl."

"Be nice," I said, "or I'll stop."

"I'll be nice," he promised. I did the best I could but I'm sure I was a pretty poor substitute for Soda; my hands were too small and I just wasn't strong enough. Darry sat still and didn't complain, though, even closing his eyes and looking like he was relaxing a little. Finally, after a while, he said:

"So what are you making me for dinner?"

"Me? You should be making _me_ dinner, I'm the one giving you a backrub."

"Not any more!" he yelled, jumping up and tackling me down backwards onto the couch. In a second, he had me flipped over on my stomach, and was about to start tickling me, when he suddenly stopped. I realized immediately what had happened.

"Anna gave it to me," I said, glad I wasn't looking at him. "She said I needed it."

"Oh," he said, "I guess I didn't notice that." He didn't sound embarrassed, at all; he sounded almost sorry.

"Well, that's funny, because she also said all guys do is stare at girls' chests."

Darry didn't have an answer for that right away. "Not their sisters'," he finally said. I laughed and shoved him off me.

"Oh, so you're staring at every other girl's chest all the time?" I asked.

"That's not what I meant," he said, now maybe a little embarrassed. I couldn't believe I was having this conversation with him.

"You said it," I smacked him on the chest.

"I didn't mean it that way." He got serious for a minute. "Seriously, Scout, you don't have to get that stuff from Anna. I can give you some money to buy what you need."

"I know… it's just embarrassing."

"Well, it's not easy for me either. But I know how hard it must be for you, without Mom here. I'm sure I don't have all the answers you'll need or want about growing up, but I'll try."

"That's funny, because Ponyboy said the same thing to me at the church."

"Well, no offense to him, but I think my information might be a little more accurate than his." I had to laugh in agreement at that.

"I'll keep that in mind," I said.

"So, who's making dinner, then?" he asked.

"How about Soda?" I suggested.

"Nice try."

"I took out hamburger. What do you want?"

"How about spaghetti and meatballs? I know Pony likes that."

"I guess so," I said, as he dragged me off the couch.

We were still making the meatballs when Soda came back, with Steve and Two-Bit in tow.

"Hey sports fans," Two-Bit said, immediately snapping my bra. Great, so not only had Steve noticed, he had decided to mention it to Soda and Two-Bit.

Darry saw the whole thing and was on him in a second.

"I ever see you do that again and believe me, you'll be _lucky_ if you live to regret it."

"Yes, sir," Two-Bit responded, laughing. I was beet red, I'm sure.

"Seriously, you guys, lay off," Darry said, and his tone said "don't-mess-with-me." The boys retreated back into the living room and started dealing a hand of poker. I gave him a thank-you glance and he gave me a slight grin and went back to his meatballs.

And that, I thought, is what biggest brothers are for.

**A/N: Shoot, that was long! Review, please! I love your reviews!**


	10. The Hearing

I woke up the next morning with the now-familiar dread of my looming day in court. I managed to drag myself out of bed and into the shower, picking another court-worthy outfit from among Anna's outgrown clothes she had put into the bag for me.

I still didn't understand why we even had to go through all of this when the person who killed that guy Bob was already dead, and thinking about it just made me angry. I realized that a kid my age shouldn't even know what the inside of a courtroom looks like, unless they were a real hood like Dally or Tim and got themselves into trouble with the cops. Yet, here I was, going to court for the second time in two weeks. This was another one of those things that everyone who didn't have to actually go through it seemed to completely idealize. Even Ben, who knew how incredibly stressful the whole ordeal was for me and my family, asked all kinds of questions about what went on and had wanted to know every last detail about our custody hearing. People acted like it was some sort of adventure when, in fact, it felt more like a nightmare.

Speaking of which, Pony had had one of _his_ nightmares the previous night. He doesn't just have the "wake with a start and realize you're breathing heavy because something scared you" kind of nightmares that everyone gets sometimes. He has the "out of nowhere, start screaming bloody murder and scare the hell out of everyone in the house while they try for five minutes to wake you up" kind. Soda started sleeping with him a while back, right after Mom and Dad died, hoping that would help, but he still had them sometimes.

I don't know if thinking about court had him all upset or what, but it had taken all three of us talking to him and Darry and Soda holding on to him and rocking him for what seemed like forever before he finally was really awake and calmed down. He'd say he never could remember what happened in the dreams, but I wondered if whatever it was was just so horrible that he didn't want to tell us. He always looked terrified. In any case, it must have taken us all a long time to get back to sleep after that, because everyone looked exhausted at breakfast. Exhausted and worried. I don't know about anyone else, but after Pony's rough night, I was pretty concerned about how he would hold up in court. I was so worried for him that I almost forgot that I would have to testify too.

Darry gave us the same instructions that he did the last time.

"Just tell them the truth. Remember, you didn't do anything wrong." That was the other thing that was making me angry about the whole court business. We _hadn't_ done anything wrong. Unless you wanted to play that whole assigning-blame-to-everyone game and pin the kid's death on Darry, because he had hit Pony, none of us were directly involved in killing that kid. Johnny had stabbed him. And Johnny was gone. And now the stupid state of Oklahoma was making poor Ponyboy, who the kid had been trying to _drown_, and was about to crack emotionally anyway, stand up in front of people and say damaging things about his dead best friend. I was angry, and Darry could tell, as I was cursing the whole system for the umpteenth time on the way into the courthouse.

"Scout, calm down. Being angry about this isn't going to help anything."

"I know." I honestly didn't want to be as angry as I was. It was a little scary, actually, kind of like I had felt when I broke down on poor Two-Bit. I sure hoped that wasn't going to happen again, in court, of all places.

This time things were a little bit more like the courtroom scenes I had seen on television, but still not quite the same. There was a judge, and people had to swear to tell the truth. There were a lot more people in the room, and lawyers. When I asked Darry about why we didn't have to have a lawyer, I was relieved when he told me that Pony wasn't accused of anything, he was just here to testify. I guess I should have figured it out, that the case was against the Socs who started the trouble in the first place, but I somehow missed that.

We all sat together, in the front, Pony and me in between Darry and Soda, like they were barriers around us, keeping us safe. Pony had barely said a word all morning and I know that worried all of us, wondering what was going on inside his head. I noticed that kid Randy, who had come to see Ponyboy, and Cherry, the pretty girl from the rodeo. Both of them were sitting with who I assumed were their parents, and they all looked pretty nervous and uncomfortable. I wondered if my parents were still alive, whether I'd still be in this situation. Pony and Dad had argued sometimes, but my parents had never hit us. In fact, my Mom had been disgusted with Johnny and Steve's parents for hitting them. The way logic seemed to run in the courts, though, and if you really wanted to push the blame game to the limits, I suppose you could have blamed my parents for this mess. It was because they died, that Darry had to take care of us and get stressed and hit Ponyboy. Or you could blame the guy who drove drunk and hit them. Or the bartender that served him that last drink…

My head hurt. I found it funny that the minute I thought that, I looked up to see the doctor that Ponyboy had in the hospital talking to the judge, who wasn't the same as the one we had the last time. I wonder if he's here in case my or Ponyboy's head explodes, from all the thinking, I thought, and almost laughed. That's good, I thought, I've gone from sheer anger to complete insanity. Now is not the time to lose your mind, I reminded myself, and tried to focus on what was being said.

The Socs had to talk first. I guess the advice they had gotten was the same as ours, because, from what I could tell, everyone told the truth. I almost felt bad for that kid Randy, because he had to stand up there and admit in front of his parents that he'd been an idiot and gone out drunk looking to pick on a few little kids just because they had talked to his girlfriend. Then I remembered everything that had happened because of it and I didn't feel so bad for him anymore.

I did actually feel bad for Cherry Valance, though. She even cried a little when she was talking. I guess it's no fun to have a boyfriend who died because he was trying to kill somebody else just because they were talking to you. I bet she feels guilty, I thought, and immediately realized the complete futility of feeling guilty about something somebody else had done.

I just didn't even want to think anymore by the time the judge started asking us stuff, and I couldn't see what his questions had to do with anything, anyway. He asked us about Dally, and if he was our friend, and I found myself wondering if he had known him. God knows; he had certainly been to court a few times. I guess he was trying to figure out if Pony hung out with troublemakers; obviously, Dallas was not the best role model, but to compare him and Pony was just plain ridiculous. Pony couldn't ever be as tough as Dallas, even if he tried, which he didn't.

For some reason, he didn't ask Pony a single thing about the night Bob got killed. He asked him about school, and about us, but nothing about the stabbing. And when I had to talk, I didn't have to explain anything that I had seen, he just asked me if the story that the Socs had told was what I had seen too.

"Yes, sir," I answered.

And that was it. All that worrying and all I had to say was two words. The Socs who had been in the park that night had to pay a fine or something, but we were excused from the court. Ponyboy looked like the weight of a million worlds had been lifted off his shoulders. Darry looked over at all of us and said, simply,

"That's it. No more court for us." I was certainly hoping that would be the case.

As we walked out into the lobby we found an unlikely pair sitting on the bench talking and waiting for us: Two-Bit and Alison.

They stood up when they saw us, gathering from our expressions that things had gone well, and Two-Bit joked,

"Hey y'all, I want you to meet my new girlfriend, Alison." Alison blushed.

"How did this happen?" Darry asked, taking Alison's hand and looking puzzled.

"Great minds think alike," Two-Bit said. "We both came down to see how it went."

"Shouldn't you be in school?" I asked.

"_You're_ not in school," he countered, slapping me on the shoulder. I punched him in the gut, and he barely flinched.

"You're not so tough anymore without your cast, huh?" He grinned down at me. I made a face at him.

"So, how _did_ you two find each other, anyway?" Two-Bit and Ali had never actually met before.

"Well, Darry," Two-Bit started, "you described her so perfectly that the minute she walked in the door I said to myself, 'That must be Darry's beautiful new lady friend, Alison.'"

"Seriously, Two-Bit, c'mon. How'd you meet?"

Two-Bit looked sheepish.

Finally Alison spoke up. "We were both waiting on the bench. He tried to pick me up."

"I was just being friendly, you know, making conversation," Two-Bit ducked as Darry reached out to hit him in the head.

"What'd he say to you? He didn't get fresh with you, did he?" Darry actually looked kind of concerned, which I thought was funny. I don't know what he was thinking Two-Bit would have done with a stranger in the middle of the courthouse lobby, but, then again, you couldn't put anything past him, really…

"No," Ali said, looking shy with all the attention focused on her all of a sudden. "He just asked me if I came here often, and if I was sitting here waiting for a fine young man such as himself to sweep me off my feet."

"And of course she refused all of my advances and told me she only dates handsome, strapping young roofers named Darrel, and I laid off immediately," Two-Bit finished.

"I have a feeling that's not exactly how it went, but I'm glad you met, anyway," Darry said.

"I'm just glad I figured out who she was before I got myself into any real trouble," I heard Two-Bit whisper to Soda.

"You two want to join us for lunch, seein' as we all have the afternoon off?" Wow, I thought, Darry must be even more relieved about how things went than I realized if he was willing to spring for lunch for all of us.

"Sounds good," Two-Bit said. "Where we goin'?"

Everybody looked at each other, but nobody wanted to decide.

"Jay's, then. They got the cutest waitresses," Two-Bit said, and winked. "C,mon, Scooter, you're ridin' with me," he said, grabbing my shoulder.

"Soda, you and Pony go in the truck," Darry said, tossing him the keys and putting his arm around Alison. "I'll go with Ali."

Soda and Pony headed out right behind me and Two-Bit, but I noticed Darry sit Ali back down on the bench for a minute and figured he'd probably be in an even better mood by the time he met us there.

"So, that Alison's pretty cute, huh?" Two-Bit said as we chugged down the road in his old wreck. It amazed me every time the thing started. He was still occasionally teaching me how to drive it. I was getting better, but when I had first started learning to shift I didn't exactly do his transmission any favors.

"Hands off on that one, Two-Bit. You so much as touch her and Darry'll have your butt in a sling," I said. "He really likes her."

"Good for him," Two-Bit said. "He deserves a break. And some girly action, to boot!" He laughed, and I had to, too, despite myself. Two-Bit was good about watching what he said to me and Pony when Darry was around, but not quite so good about it when he wasn't. I didn't mind though. I had actually picked up quite a bit of useful information from him when he was alone with me, especially if he had been drinking.

"So everything went good, I take it? Nobody cried, or anything?" he asked.

I guess he had heard about my sobbing scene at the last hearing. I would have punched him in the gut again if he hadn't been driving.

"Everything went fine," I answered. "I hope I never see the inside of that place again."

"Well, you keep yourself out of trouble, and you won't," he said. "Or if you're _gonna_ get into trouble, don't get caught."

"You're just chock-full of good advice, aren't you?" I teased.

"And good lookin', too," he quipped, pulling into a spot at Jay's and turning off the ignition.

Soda and Pony pulled in right behind us and we debated on waiting for Darry and Ali before going in, but decided to just go in and get a booth.

They sat us in the back, near the jukebox, and Soda and Two-Bit fed it coins and fought over which songs to pick while Pony and I sat and played with the straws in our sodas.

"I'm sure glad that's over," he said.

"You and me both," I said. "I've had enough of being a celebrity," I said, and he nodded in agreement.

Darry and Alison came through the door, looking like a couple out of a Hollywood movie magazine, and sat down next to Pony and me. Soda and Two-Bit sat on the outside end and I found myself hoping Two-Bit wouldn't get too grabby with the waitress. He somehow managed to control himself, though. The six of us sat there, Two-Bit and Soda joking, Darry and Ali both looking happy, and Pony having shedded that aura of tension that he had been carrying around with him since the night he had run off, and I felt a strange sensation rising in me, one that I hadn't felt in so long I had almost forgotten what it felt like.

Finally, for the moment, anyway, I felt calm.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: Okay, so I know I made them go to court twice. I never understood in the book (or the movie, either) why the judge was determining custody in a courtroom with Randy and Cherry there. A criminal hearing would be totally separate than a custody hearing, I would think. I'm sure there are people out there who would know better than I (and I'm sure they won't hesitate to tell me either, hehehe...), but this is how I sorted it out in my head.**

**Thank you, faithful reviewers, as always!**


	11. The Secret

Things returned to some degree of normalcy once all of the court stuff was done with. Normalcy, however, did not necessarily imply that all was sunshine and roses at home. Darry was working all the time, trying to make up for all the time he had missed while Pony and I were gone and in the hospital, as well as the days we had court. Soda moped around the house when he wasn't at work, not saying anything but I knew he was missing Sandy, and Ponyboy just closed himself in his room most of the time he was home, except when he was fighting with Darry about any number of things, among them chores, homework, track, and just about anything else the two of them could come up with. It almost seemed like since Pony knew there was no way Darry would ever hit him again, he was pushing his frustration level as far as he could to see what would happen if he snapped again.

I didn't like it, and everybody being so miserable was only making me miserable too, so I spent a whole lot of time outside or with Ben, at his house. Soda and Steve had brought some old junk car home that they were fixing up in the side yard in their spare time, and I spent some time out there with him, just sitting inside it with the radio on, talking to him while he worked under the hood. Only when Steve wasn't around, though.

A week or so later, just before dinner, I was sitting in the car talking to Soda. Pony was cooking and apparently didn't like some advice that Darry was trying to give him, because their voices through the window got progressively louder until, finally, they were screaming at each other. Pony and I still argued quite a bit, but our fights generally lacked the dramatic flair and extreme noise level that marked his quarrels with Darry. Besides the yelling, there were pots banging in the kitchen, as well.

"You think they're ever gonna stop this nonsense?" I asked.

"I sure hope so," Soda said, as I heard him tightening something and swearing at it for not wanting to go in right.

"What is it about those two? You and I don't fight like that with either of them."

"I know it," he said, slamming the hood down and coming around to the driver's side window and leaning in. "The main thing is, those two talk and talk at each other, but neither one's listening, really. That's how I see it, anyway."

Soda was generally not the most insightful person in our family, but I think he had pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one. It was pretty clear that he had been thinking about it quite a bit.

"I think Pony's being kind of a jerk, if you ask me," I said. "Darry is working his butt off, and the last thing he needs is Pony yelling at him every second he's home." I, for one, felt really bad about Darry working so much. I wanted him back in college, doing what twenty year olds were supposed to do, not working his fingers to the bone, day in and day out, trying to put food on the table for his kid brothers and sister. I tried to be as helpful as I could around the house, but, unfortunately, had no way of contributing anything financially.

"He's not doing it on purpose, Scout. He just takes what Darry says the wrong way, a lot of the time. He's trying to make Darry proud but he's always feeling like Darry's telling him he's not good enough, when actually all Darry's trying to do is make sure Pony is reaching his full potential."

"You know, Soda," I said, "You're a pretty smart guy."

"Yeah, right. That's why I dropped out," he said.

"You know what I mean," I said. "You're smart about people. You always know what people want. You can cheer up anybody. You're just a good person, Soda. I don't know anyone else who is always good to everyone like you are." It's too bad your best friend is just plain mean, I added, privately.

Soda smiled sadly at me. "Thanks. I wish everybody felt the same way as you do." He opened the door and came in and sat in the driver's seat. I could still hear Darry and Pony yelling at each other in the kitchen. He leaned his head forward on the steering wheel and sighed. I had never seen Soda as unhappy as he had been since Sandy left. He was trying his best to put on a good game face, but it was clear that, underneath it, he was miserable.

"I don't know why she would leave you, Soda. You were real good to her."

"Not good enough, I guess," he said, speaking down through the steering wheel.

What he said next shocked me.

"She's pregnant, Scout. That's why she left."

"Oh my God," I said, then immediately wished I hadn't; realizing that might not have been the most sympathetic sounding response I could have offered. I knew that Soda had been sleeping with Sandy, I had once eavesdropped on him getting a lecture from Darry that he had better be being careful about it. I didn't understand why she took off, though. I would think she'd want Soda to take some of the responsibility. And he _would_ have, I knew that for sure.

"But, why…" I started.

"She says it's not mine," he interrupted me, softly.

"Is it?"

"I don't know why she would lie about it, Scout. I said I would marry her anyway. I didn't care. I loved her anyway. But she wouldn't say anything, she wouldn't tell me who… or why. Nothing. She just left."

"I am so sorry, Soda. I really am." He was crying softly. Again, I was in a situation where I had absolutely no idea what to say to one of my brothers who needed comforting. I just reached over and put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. I couldn't hug him, he was still leaning forward over the steering wheel.

"Did you tell Pony?" I knew Pony was a better comfort than I was, for him.

"No. But Darry knows. Don't tell him, 'kay, Scout? He's finally done with court, he's still upset about Johnny and Dallas; I don't want him worrying about me on top of that. He just needs to get back to normal."

"I wish this stupid fighting wasn't part of normal for him," I said, listening to the yelling, which still continued, but had died down considerably.

"No kidding," Soda said warily. I glanced out the window and happened to see Tim Shepard parking his car out in front of our house.

"What's Tim Shepard doing here?" I asked Soda, and he picked his head up, finally, off the steering wheel and looked up, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"I don't know," he said, "but I guess we're gonna find out. C'mon, it's probably just about dinnertime anyway, if those two managed to get any cookin' done with all that fightin' goin' on." He came around to the passenger side and opened the door for me. I was glad to see Ponyboy leaning against the porch railing smoking; it might have been a little embarrassing for Darry if Tim walked in on the full brunt of World War three between him and his kid brother.

"Shepard's inside," Pony said.

"Yeah, we saw that," Soda said. "What's that all about?"

"I don't know, he just said he wanted to talk to Darry alone. I don't care, I was coming out here anyway. Darry was all over me about how I wasn't using a big enough pot for the chicken stew."

Oh, so that was it. Well, that was certainly worth fifteen minutes of yelling. Soda and I just looked at each other like we wanted to grab him by the neck and shake some sense into him. Instead we just flopped down on the porch couch and sat there silently. I couldn't believe what Soda had told me, about Sandy. I was realizing I hated her, for cheating on him, for hurting him like that. Two-Bit might deserve to get cheated on, what with the way he treated girls, and even Steve, considering how he treated most people, but not Soda.

"You guys get in here," Darry called, startling me. "Dinner's ready."

Pony threw his cigarette off the porch and Soda and I followed him inside. Tim was sitting at the kitchen table, leaning back in his chair, his hands locked behind his head. I guess he was staying for dinner.

"Hey kids," he said as we sat down, "I see y'all managed to not lose your big brother for a whole week since I last saw you."

"Hey, Tim," Soda said, sounding cheerful but I could still hear the tinge of sadness in his voice. "What brings you here?"

"Been some trouble over by the tracks the last couple o' days. Just lettin' your brother know what's going on, so's he can keep you three away from there and outta trouble."

I almost laughed. It was gonna take an Act of Congress and a personal escort from the police for Darry to let me out of my own_ yard_ alone, much less all the way down by there.

"Oh yeah? What happened?" Soda asked, taking a huge helping of stew. He always loved to hear about fights.

"Just some guys from Brumley gettin' cocky and trying to widen their territory. Guess they figured with Winston out of the picture, the boys in my outfit wouldn't have any support from his friends anymore. When word got out around Buck's about what was goin' on, all kinds of friends Dally didn't even know he had crawled outta the woodwork and kicked those Brumley bastards right back into their own neighborhood. Now they're out for revenge. Two of my guys got worked up real good down by the crossing at Wilcox and Broad."

Soda was already on his second helping by the time Tim finished. I guess the situation with Sandy hadn't hurt his appetite any. I looked to see how Pony had reacted to Tim mentioning Dallas; he was just staring down at his plate. It occurred to me that the only reason Tim had come to talk to Darry about this is because Dally was no longer around to keep him updated about the gang activity going on.

"So, Sodapop, that means you don't leave this house or work and go out _anywhere_ by your lonesome. I mean it. Just 'cause you're bigger than these two doesn't mean you're any safer if they come at you in a group," Darry said. "As for you two," he pointed his chin at Pony and me, "you know the rules. Everybody finally just got out of trouble, the last thing I need is one of you gettin' back into it."

"We won't," I said. I was pretty sure Pony wasn't looking for more trouble any more than I was.

"I knew you Curtis kids were smart," Tim said. Just then, right on time to invite himself over for dinner, Two-Bit came in the front door.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he announced, coming into the kitchen and stopping short when he saw Tim.

"Well, if it ain't Mr. Timothy Shepard, flesh and blood, right here in the Curtis kitchen. To what do we owe this honor?" Two-Bit bowed at Tim, then went into the cupboard and got himself a plate, filled it with stew, grabbed a piece of bread and stood against the counter eating it.

"Well, Mathews, you can be pretty damned sure it wasn't to listen to your dumb-ass nonsense," Tim said. His voice never registered emotion. I swear, Tim Shepard could be telling you he just murdered your mother in cold blood and it would still have that smooth, even tone. I couldn't imagine ever hearing him yell; though, if he ever did, I was pretty sure I wouldn't want to be anywhere nearby.

"Aw, c'mon now, Timothy, y'all ain't got to be mean." Two-Bit pretended that his feelings had been hurt.

Tim just ignored him, which was often the best thing to do when it came to getting him to shut up.

"We've had trouble over in my neighborhood the past few nights. Just putting the word out that y'all should be watchin' your backs."

"That right? Well, luckily, I just got myself a new best friend." Two-Bit reached around into his back pocket and flipped out a switchblade. He had lost his old one the night Dallas died- I guess Dally had it in his pocket and the cops took it. He hadn't stopped lamenting about it since.

"Two-Bit, don't you ever pull that out in this house again." Darry got mad whenever anybody took out their weapons in the house. It was just asking for trouble, he said.

"Where'd you get that?" Soda asked, as Two-Bit closed it and put it back in his pocket.

"I know people," he said. "I got other friends besides y'all, you know."

"Yeah, we know, you just like our cooking the best," Darry said, smacking him in the gut as Two-Bit helped himself to more stew.

"Well, I guess my work here is done," Tim said, pushing back his chair and standing up. Y'all take care. I don't wanna be hearin' about any of you gettin' your asses kicked just for bein' stupid. That goes double for you, Mathews." Two-Bit was a real good fighter, but tended to lose a great deal of his common sense when he had been drinking.

"Seeya, kids," he said to no one in particular. And with that, Tim was gone.

We finished up dinner, and Darry got up to do the dishes, but Two-Bit stopped him.

"Don't worry, Dar, I'll get 'em." He usually was pretty good about helping out, especially when he knew it was Darry's turn. I'm sure he was thinking the same thing I was; that he already worked too hard. Not that Two-Bit actually had any idea what that was like.

"Scout, Pony, you two get on homework," Darry said, bringing the dirty dishes over to Two-Bit at the sink.

"I'm done," Pony said.

"Did you have math?"

"Yes."

"Let me see it, then." Darry had stopped checking both Pony's and my writing, realizing that we both probably wrote better than he did, but he still always checked our math. I didn't mind, because I always had some wrong, but it annoyed Ponyboy to no end.

Ponyboy stomped back to his room. I ran in and grabbed my math and gave it to Darry first, hoping if I had more wrong than Pony did he wouldn't get so mad. I watched as he circled five problems I had wrong, and I sat down next to him at the table to redo them. Pony only had one wrong and thankfully, he didn't complain about having to fix it. I knew that neither Soda nor I wanted to listen to any more of their bickering.

I went back into my room and finished the rest of my homework , then just lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, still trying to digest what Soda had told me earlier. Pony was holed up in his room, as usual, and, after Two-Bit had left, I could hear Darry and Soda talking softly in the kitchen, though I couldn't make out what it was about. Finally Soda went into the living room and turned on the television. Darry passed by my door on the way to the bathroom and noticed me, just lying there, through the crack in the door. He peeked his head in the crack.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said. "You can come in."

He came in and sat on the end of my bed. "Homework finished?"

"Yup."

"So what are you doing?"

"Just thinking. Soda told me… about Sandy."

"He did?" Darry sounded surprised.

"Why would she do that to him? He was good to her."

"I don't know." Something in the way he answered told me that he was real angry with her, too, for hurting Soda so much. "Relationships like that can get real complicated. Just be glad you don't have to deal with that stuff yet."

"I guess."

"Scout, I know you've had to deal with a lot of stuff most kids your age haven't, and I know in a lot of ways you've had to grow up fast. But you don't need to be in any hurry to be an adult."

"I know, Darry. I'm not."

"Soda said you were asking him about kissing." Oh, so that's where this all was coming from.

"I was just _asking_," I said. "I'm already two years older than Soda was when he kissed someone, anyway."

"I'm not sure Soda should be the one setting the standard for something like that."

"Well, fine, he said he caught you making out with some girl in the lot when you were my age. Are you the standard?"

"I doubt it," he laughed. "It's just strange, seeing you grow up. I still think of you as that little pink bundle Mom and Dad brought home from the hospital. Now you're talking about kissing."

"That was a long time ago, Darry. I'm gonna grow up whether either one of us likes it or not."

"I guess so," he admitted. "I hope I can survive it," he added.

"Me too," I said.

He stood up. "You wanna come watch TV with us?"

"No," I said, "I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I'm tired."

"That doesn't sound like a half-bad idea," he answered. "'Night, then."

"'Night, Darry."

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**A/N: I'll try to keep up with the frequent updating but sadly, I have to go back to work tomorrow! In reality, I don't get to be Scout, I have to be Darry, and shoot, if I don't pay the bills, nobody will! As always, I love your reviews!**


	12. The Bickering

The next day, at school, I was sitting in Two-Bit's car eating lunch with Ben when Pony, Steve, and Two-Bit came over from the high school. They hopped in, Pony shoving me into the middle of the back seat, and Two-Bit started the car, which was strange. Usually we all just ate in the car, we didn't actually go anywhere.

"How much lunch time you two got left?" Two-Bit asked over his shoulder.

"Half-hour," I said. "Where we goin'?"

"Get some smokes," Steve said. That was fine with me, I had nothing better to do anyway. Two-Bit drove us over to a little grocery store near the school where lots of greasers are always hanging around, and we all hopped out. Ben had a little money, so we both headed straight for the candy. We took forever to decide what we wanted, which didn't seem to bother anyone, because Two-Bit and Steve were talking to some girls they knew and Pony went outside to smoke.

Ben and I were just paying when I heard Two-Bit call over to Steve in a more serious voice than I was used to hearing from him. I looked out past where he stood and saw a car full of Socs pulling up outside right where Ponyboy was standing. Great, I thought, this is exactly the kind of trouble Darry just got through telling us to stay out of. I swear, we don't look for it; it _finds_ us. I moved toward the front of the store, where Two-Bit and Steve were standing, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Two-Bit's hand go to his back pocket. Right, his new best friend. I don't know how he even saw me, because he was staring so intently out the window, but he yelled at me over his shoulder,

"Scout, you come out this door after us, and you won't be leaving your house again 'til you're twenty-five." That sure made me feel tough. The girls he had been talking to looked over at me with a sorry expression. It's pretty embarrassing to have a babysitter when you're twelve. He said nothing to Ben, however, who followed them right out the doorway and stood surveying the scene with them from the steps, though they all waited to see what was happening before actually going over to where Pony stood.

I was surprised at what I saw. Pony stepped away from the hood of Two-Bit's car, smashed off the end of his bottle and, reminding me of the calm, cool manner in which Tim Shepard operates, walked over toward the Socs and, with no visible trace of fear, said something.

Steve and Two-Bit reminded me of cats, the way they stood on the doorstep: perfectly still and intently focused, but ready to pounce at any moment.

It turned out they didn't have to. Whatever Pony had said to them had convinced those Socs he wasn't worth their time and effort. They slunk away, got into their car, and left. Two-Bit took his hand out of his back pocket and lumbered over to Ponyboy, shaking his head at him. While Two-Bit was talking to him, I saw Pony lean down and pick up the smashed pieces of glass off the ground, which sort of made me change my mind about ever thinking that anything about Pony was in any way similar to Tim Shepard.

Two-Bit was laughing to himself when I got out to the car.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Your brother," he said.

"Don't you think that was maybe a bit much, Two-Bit, the way you yelled at me in there?" I asked, somewhat annoyed. "I'm not five."

"Nope. I got in trouble with Darry once for lettin' my guard down with you two, and I learned my lesson. I lucked out he didn't beat the tar outta me then. It ever happens again, I'll be a dead man, for sure. I ain't makin' that mistake again."

I couldn't blame him for thinking that, I supposed. He was probably right.

The car ride back to school was quiet. I wondered whether or not Two-Bit would tell Darry about what had happened, and how Pony had handled himself. I could see, a little bit, how this kind of situation was at the root of a lot of the arguing Pony and Darry were doing lately. Pony hadn't looked for trouble; it had found _him_. And he had handled it well, probably as well as Darry himself would have. (Although even the dumbest Socs probably had enough common sense not to pick on Darry in the first place.) So while Darry would probably be proud of Ponyboy for how he handled himself, what would more likely get expressed was Darry's disappointment (or fear, I realized) that Pony had ever been in the situation in the first place. I realized that Darry was fighting an impossible battle with circumstance, trying to keep us safe in an inherently unpredictable, and, sometimes unsafe, environment.

I was sure Darry would somehow find out- even if Two-Bit didn't tell him outright, then Steve would probably tell Soda and Soda would tell him. I think Two-Bit was just trying to figure out which method of delivery would spare him the most of Darry's certain agitation. Which also wasn't really fair, since none of it had been Two-Bit's fault, either.

I made it to my next class only a minute or two late, and the teacher gave me a break and didn't make me go get a tardy slip. Darry was always on our case, come report card time, about how many tardys we had. Pony always had a lot more than I did, because he would duck out to smoke between classes and then lose track of time, but I still had my fair share, just from getting tied up talking to friends in the hallways, and ignoring the bells and stuff. I didn't see what the big deal was about it, as long as our grades were good, until he told me that Social Services can use poor school attendance as a reason to challenge his guardianship. Since then, I tried to make more of an effort to be on time.

_____________________

After school I went to open gym, as usual, with Ben and Anna. Ben was getting pretty good, and if he kept practicing until the fall I thought he had a pretty good chance of making the junior high team, and maybe even the freshman team. Sometimes they pulled a few eighth graders up to play on the high school team if there was a shortage of raw talent in the freshman class. Once he got to high school, I was sure he would play football like Kevin, but the junior high didn't have a football team, so basketball was tiding him over, for now.

I went over to the water fountain to get a drink and was leaning against the wall, watching Ben and some of the other boys playing, when Anna came over.

"You're staring at him, Scout," she said. "Don't be so obvious."

"I wasn't staring." But, actually, I had been. I was noticing how Ben didn't look like a scrawny little kid anymore. He was becoming more muscular, more defined. He had always been a tough kid, but that had been more due to his scrappiness and agility than any sort of actual strength. But, just as I was, he was changing. I wondered if it was weird for Kevin to see him grow up, too, or if that was just something that was weird for Darry because I'm the opposite sex.

I hadn't noticed how late it was getting, and was surprised to see Kevin and Ponyboy over at the gym doors. Pony was always really eager to get home and shower after running, and could get super-grouchy when we made him wait, so I grabbed my stuff and corralled Ben and Anna over, hoping that Pony wouldn't already be in a bad mood by the time Darry got home.

Kevin dropped off Anna first, then brought us all back home. Pony usually went immediately to the shower, while I figured out what we were doing about dinner, then I would shower when he was done, and he'd start cooking. The system worked pretty well as long as I got out of the shower before Darry got home; if I didn't, he and Pony had usually already found something to argue about, and were fully involved in it by the time I was dressed and able to run any sort of interference. Unfortunately, that night it was the latter.

The bickering had started the minute Darry had come in, while I was just hopping out of the shower. There was a brief lull during dinner, and afterward they wasted no time in picking up right where they had left off. I just shut myself into my room. Soda had barely said a word at dinner and had hardly eaten anything, and I could tell that the arguing was grating away at his nerves. Darry was on Pony's case about some homework on which he was procrastinating because it wasn't due right away. I had actually managed to tune everything out for a while so that I could no longer hear the content of the conversation, until I heard Ponyboy dragging Soda into it.

"Well, it's not that easy, is it, Soda?" he yelled.

Oh come on, Ponyboy, I thought. Leave him out of your stupid fighting. Can't you see what it's doing to him? He's miserable enough already. I expected Soda to come up with some sort of calm, diplomatic answer like he usually did, just trying to put an end to the argument. Instead, to my surprise, I heard him yelling back.

"Don't…oh you guys… why can't you?" Footsteps, and I heard the front door slam.

I jumped up from my chair, ready to go out and lay into Pony and Darry for trying to drag Soda into their idiotic fights when he was already completely miserable as it was, but I got up so fast that I knocked my glass of water all over the homework I had been doing. I looked frantically around for something to mop it up, finally grabbing a shirt out of my dirty clothes pile and dabbing away at it, as best I could. I didn't want to have to do the whole thing over. By the time I got into the kitchen, I had already heard the door slam again and everyone was gone. There was a letter on the kitchen table and I looked at it. It was Soda's writing, addressed to Sandy, and had been stamped "Return to Sender."

Poor Soda, I thought. And what is Sandy's problem, anyway, she can't even give him the simple courtesy of opening a letter he wrote her? Now I was sure I hated her.

I figured I would find the three of them out in the front yard or on the porch, but they were nowhere to be found. And I wasn't allowed to go out looking, either, not without the full wrath of Darry coming down on me, especially since Ponyboy had already got him all warmed up. After Tim's visit Darry'd surely kill me if I went out wandering the neighborhood all alone. I looked down the street in both directions, but there was no sign of them.

So I just sat down on the front steps and waited.

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**Sorry, I know that was kinda short.**

**That final scene with the three brothers is one of my favorite in the book, so I wanted to keep it pure and Scout-free. ;-) She'll just wait at home, and see what happens... **

**At this point I have taken my story of Scout from before the book, beginning on the night when the Curtis parents died, all the way through the events of the book. I have tried really hard to remain within the framework of the original, for which I have the utmost respect- not changing any of the events, just adding another perspective on them and maybe adding another dimension to the characters. I hope I have done it justice.  
**

**The story doesn't end here. But from now on, I'm on my own! Thanks for reviewing!**

**P.S. All you Tim fans, I'm doing the best I can to satisfy your cravings. But sometimes he's just not around! If you haven't read my Tim one-shot already, Calling his Bluff, maybe that will tide you over. Just a warning, the language is a little harsh!  
**


	13. The Strangers

I just sat there for a few minutes, drawing moons and stars in the dirt with a stick, and wondering if all my brothers were off beating each other up somewhere over homework and lost loves. I was thinking hard enough about it that I didn't notice the car pulling up in front of the house until I heard the door slam. A tall, skinny guy that I didn't recognize, with far more than the necessary amount of grease in his hair, was leaning against our gate.

"Yeah, that's her," I heard someone in the car behind him say. I looked past him to see two other equally greasy looking guys sitting in in the car, staring. I stood up, slowly, and backed up the steps, still holding the stick, as if that was really gonna be any help against these guys if they decided to come after me.

"You a Curtis?" the tall one asked, struggling with the gate latch. It was tricky; you had to reach over and unlatch it from the inside. Our dad had installed it backwards, but we had left it that way because we all had decided that we liked the fact that people we didn't know had trouble with it.

I didn't answer; I just backed up toward the door. I tripped, walking backward, and fell back onto the next stair up, scraping my back, but immediately stood back up and scrambled up to the porch.

"Where's your brother at, little Curtis?" I didn't know these guys, but they knew me. Which brother did they want, anyway? It was strange, I thought, that they weren't more specific. But I definitely wasn't looking to lengthen our conversation by asking. He was getting violent with the gate at this point, banging it back and forth against the post.

"Inside." I tried to sound even the tiniest bit tougher than I was, which was _not _tough, at all. "I'll go get him."

I backed into the house just as the first guy figured out the gate, and I saw that the other two guys had gotten out of the car. I slammed the door shut and flipped the deadbolt, running down the hallway for Darry's bedroom. Most of the windows at the back of the house were too high for anyone to crawl through, and I just hoped that the windows in Pony and Soda's room were closed. I knew mine were, and the windows in our parents' room had been closed ever since they died. We never really went in there.

I knew Soda had a switchblade somewhere, but I had no idea where, and I didn't know how to use it, anyway, so I quickly grabbed the biggest knife I could find from the kitchen (which turned out to be nothing more than a glorified steak knife) and ran into Darry's bedroom and crouched down on the far side of his bed, away from the window. I could hear the guys banging on the door and then walking around the house, yelling "Curtis! Hey, Curtis! Come out here!" Finally I heard one of them yell to the others from the side of the house,

"Forget it, he ain't here. He ain't a fucking coward, he'd come out. The kid must be in there alone."

"We'll have to get him another time, I guess. Let's get the hell outta here." I didn't like the sound of the "coward" or the "get him" parts.

The whole thing had probably only lasted two minutes, but I crouched there, silently, my heart racing, until I heard banging on the door again, and my breath caught in my throat.

"_Scout?_" It was Soda, I was pretty sure.

"Soda?" I yelled.

"What are you doing?" I wondered what he _thought_ I was doing.

"What's going on in there?" Darry sounded a little concerned. We never locked the door. "_Scout!_ Unlock the door!"

"C'mon, Scout, this isn't funny!" Ponyboy, it figured. He _would_ think I was just doing this to be a pain. Who did he think I thought I was, anyway? Two-Bit?

I went back to the door and flipped the deadbolt again, forgetting that I had the knife still in my hand.

They opened the door and could tell the second they saw me that it hadn't been a joke. Darry immediately took the knife out of my hand.

"What happened, Scout? Why'd you have to lock the door?"

I felt stupid.

"I was just sitting out there, waiting for you to come back, because I knew you'd get mad if I went looking for you, and some guys came up to the house in a car. I just got scared."

"What guys?" Darry sat me down.

"I don't know. I didn't know them, but they knew who I was."

"Greasers?"

"I guess so. I mean… yeah… not Socs."

"They knew your name? What did they want?" He sounded worried now.

"They didn't say my name, but they knew I was a Curtis. I don't _know_ what they wanted. They just asked where my brother was. I don't know if they even knew which one of you they wanted. They never said any of your names, either. One of the guys got out and was trying to get in the gate, so I just said that I'd get you, and I came in here and locked the door. They were banging on the door for a minute, and walking around the house yelling for one of you to come out. I just got scared, so I grabbed that knife and hid in your room." I looked at Darry. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I know I'm not supposed to go in there."

"Jesus, Scout, don't be an idiot. If you think somebody's coming after you, you can go wherever you want," he said. "What did these guys look like?"

"I don't know, I only really saw one of them. He was tall… I didn't really get time to _study_ him, Darry. I was trying to get in the house before he got in the gate. He couldn't get in."

Darry sat down on the couch.

"What happened to you guys anyway? Did you just all go somewhere else to finish your stupid fight? Why'd you two have to drag Soda into it anyway?" Soda reached over and put his hand on my shoulder, and I wasn't sure whether that was a signal that I should shut up, or continue advocating for them to leave him out of it.

"No… Soda just made us chase after him so we'd be out of breath and he could get a word in edgewise to point out to us how stupid our fights really are," Darry said.

"_Did_ he?" I asked. I looked at Soda and he _almost_ smiled. I, however_,_ did smile, wholeheartedly.

Darry sighed and ran his hand back through his hair.

"I'm gonna call Shepard and see if there's been any trouble around here tonight that he's heard about," he decided.

I truly didn't understand how Tim Shepard could know what was going on everywhere, all the time, but somehow he did. I imagined his living room having about ten phones lined up in a row, with him just sitting there answering them all day, giving and taking reports on what was going on. Yet I also knew he wasn't _at_ his house a lot of the time, so he couldn't have been doing that. He was nothing if not a complete mystery to me.

"Look, Darry, it's probably no big deal. Maybe they knew one of you. I just got nervous, when they came up to the door." I was afraid if Darry got too worked up about this, I was gonna end up on house arrest. Up until now, I had at least been allowed out in the yard by myself. As much as they _had_ scared me, I felt like I was finally getting a _little_ bit of freedom, like what I had experienced that night at Anna's, and the last thing I wanted was for Darry to be reining me back in again.

"If they knew us, they would have told you who they were," Pony pointed out.

"And, of _course_ you should get nervous when three guys you don't know try to get in our yard, Scout!" Darry sounded like he was getting pretty agitated.

"Well, I _did_, Darry, so what's everybody all on my case for? This is just like with Pony today, we don't go looking for trouble, it _comes _to us, and then we get in trouble for it! I mean… I was worried about trouble happening, so I came in here and locked the door! What the heck else was I _supposed_ to do?"

"What are you talking about? What happened with Pony today?" I had figured Darry would already know. Bad assumption.

"Nice, Scout." Pony looked at me, and we both shut up. Darry looked over at Soda and he just shrugged.

"Out with it, you two," Darry stood up again, just so he could tower over us. "What happened?"

Neither of us spoke.

"One of you is going to tell me what happened, _now_." Darry said, and there was no denying that he meant it.

"Look, it's no big deal, Darry..." I started. "Just, we were at the grocery, and Pony was outside smoking and some Socs came in a car to bother him… but, it was fine, Darry. Really. Pony handled it real good." Don't you _dare_ correct my grammar while I am sticking up for you, Pony, I thought, immediately after I had spoken.

"You two _weren't_ supposed to be anywhere alone," Darry countered, and I could tell how hard he was trying not to yell. Whatever Soda had said to him about not fighting he must have really taken to heart.

"We _weren't_ alone, Darry. We were with Steve and Two-Bit, and Ben." Even Pony seemed to be calm. Now I was dying to know what Soda had said to them to get them to back off each other so much- I'd have to ask him later.

"I busted off my bottle and they backed off, and just like you're gettin' mad at Scout, now, I don't know what else you would have wanted me to do." Pony was heartfelt. "We aren't _causing_ these problems, Darry. Both Scout and me, we're not lookin' for any trouble. We're just reacting to it, the best we know how."

"I know, Pony," Darry said quietly. I think this was the first time in months that it seemed like Darry and Ponyboy were actually listening to each other.

"Things are gonna happen, Darry. You can't protect us from everything," I said.

"That doesn't mean I can't try," he said, putting his arm around me. I realized that exactly what I had been thinking in Two-Bit's car that afternoon had been right. Darry wasn't really _mad_ at us when things like this happened, he was just afraid of what could have happened, of how much worse things could have been. And he was blaming himself for not being able to prevent it.

"I have to try," he continued. "That's what I promised Mom and Dad when they added me to the will."

"Darry, stuff still happened to us even when they were alive, too," Pony said.

"I know, Pony," he said. "I just can't stand the thought of something happening to you guys that I could have prevented."

"Look, Dar, go ahead and call Shepard if you want, but I'm fine, really. Those guys didn't actually do anything, they just spooked me a little." I _really_ didn't want to be stuck in the house.

"I don't like it, Scout. Anybody who's a friend of ours wouldn't have scared you like that," Darry said. "You guys go pick up in the kitchen and get on homework."

We all left in silence. I saw Soda throw his letter from Sandy into the trash, and felt another rush of anger at her. At least it seemed like all the fighting in our house might ease up. That might cheer him up a little. I went into my bedroom and finished up my homework. I could hear Pony and Soda talking through the wall next door, but they weren't loud enough that I could hear what they were saying. I went back out into the living room and found Darry sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. I sat down next to him.

"Did you call Tim?"

"Yeah. He said one of his guys got into it with a carful of Brumley guys down by the Dingo tonight, but he couldn't describe the car. You know what kind of car the guys who came here were driving?'

Right, like I knew anything about cars. I hadn't noticed, and even if I had looked closely at it, I wouldn't have been able to identify it. I didn't even know what color it had been.

"No, but I'll look closer next time," I said.

"There won't be a next time," Darry said. "Listen, I'm just gonna go talk to Kevin for a couple minutes, make sure he keeps his eye out for Ben, too."

"Oh, Ben's gonna love _that_," I said.

"Ben's not gonna know," Darry said, in a voice that made it clear that I was not supposed to tell him.

"Okay, then," I said. He got up and headed out the front door. I flipped on the TV and sat back down.

Soda shuffled in a few minutes later, and flopped down next to me.

"So, what did you say to them, Soda? I never thought they would call a truce."

"I just couldn't take it anymore. I told them just what I told you- that I couldn't take sides when they try to get me to, because I see both sides. And that it was killing me to listen to it."

I knew both Darry and Pony must have felt horribly guilty when they realized what their fighting had been doing to Soda. I wished I had pointed it out earlier, though I guessed it probably rang more true to them hearing it from Soda himself. I put my head down on his shoulder.

"Well, I hope it's really stopped," I said.

"Me too," he agreed, as Darry came back in the door. That was fast, I thought.

"Homework?" he asked, looking down at me.

"It's done."

Darry nodded and headed back into the kitchen where he started working on something at the table. Soda and I just lay on the couch without moving, and I started to fall asleep until Darry pushed his chair back from the kitchen table and the noise startled me awake. I jumped, Soda laughed at me, and it was so nice to hear him laugh that I had to, too. Darry came around the corner to stare at us.

"What are you two bozos laughing at?"

"You had to be there," Soda said.

Darry gave us his "how did I get to be the only sane one in a family of lunatics?" look, and then said, "Scout, you need to get to bed. You got school."

I wasn't gonna argue. I was exhausted. I just got up and went straight into the bathroom and washed up, changed, and crawled into bed.

I was almost asleep when I was surprised to hear Darry at my door.

"Scout?" He whispered. "You awake?"

"Yeah," I said. He sat on my bed. I sat up, pushing my hair back out of my face. "What?"

"When I went over to see Kevin, he told me Pony has a big track meet on Friday."

"Yeah, he does," I said. "The district meet. So?"

"How come nobody told me?"

"I don't know. I guess Pony figured you had to work, so you couldn't come, anyway."

Darry was quiet.

"What, Dar?"

"I just feel bad, that Pony and I have been arguing so much that he doesn't even think I care about what's going on with him anymore."

I wanted to reassure him, but I wasn't so sure that what he had said wasn't the truth. I lay back down. I was pretty sure that Darry probably felt like Pony didn't care what was going on with him, either, and he might be just as right about that.

"Well, you guys agreed to stop fighting, right? For Soda's sake?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you'll start to understand each other a little better, too." I hoped more than anything right then that they would. The arguing was so hard to deal with, for both Soda and me.

"Maybe," he said, but he still sounded sad. Just when I finally got Soda to laugh, now Darry was upset.

I was falling asleep, but Darry was still sitting there.

"Darry, no offense, but I'm falling asleep," I mumbled.

"That's okay," he said, "sorry I woke you."

"That's okay," I said. "'Night Darry"

"'Night."

But, now that I had another sad brother to think about, falling asleep wasn't nearly as easy as I had expected it to be. Sometimes I wish I just didn't have to think so much.

**As always, thanks for reviews!**


	14. The Meet

Friday, after school, Ben, Anna and I all skipped open gym to go watch Ponyboy and Kevin in their track meet. Even Two-Bit managed to squeeze it into what he referred to as his "extremely full social events calendar."

I didn't mind watching the actual events; what annoyed me was all the waiting. It would take fifteen minutes to get ready for a race that took thirty seconds, then it would take fifteen more minutes to prepare for the next event. To make matters worse, there was a whole lot of waiting before _anything_ could begin, because everyone had to wait for all the other teams to arrive. After only about ten minutes in the bleachers, I was already having trouble sitting still.

"You guys want to go walk around?" I asked everyone.

"Me? You know I don't walk, if I don't have to," Two-Bit answered. "And I don't see any reason says I have to, right now." We were always on his case about how lazy he was.

"I thought I was getting a day off from exercise today," Anna replied. She and Two-Bit were hitting it off perfectly, as I imagined they would. After only a few minutes of having met each other, their conversation already made little sense to anyone but themselves.

"I'll go," Ben said, and Anna leaned back and winked at me behind the guys' backs. It occurred to me then that leaving Anna and Two-Bit alone, with Anna as gung-ho as she was about me getting together with Ben, might not have been the greatest idea. Two-Bit loved to kid Ben and me about our relationship, but I wasn't sure what his reaction would be if he actually thought there was something going on. I shook my head at her and mouthed the word _don't_, hoping she'd be able to keep her mouth shut.

Ben and I headed over to the baseball field, where I finally ended up leaning up against the backstop watching Pony and his friends stretch and warm up through the holes in the fence.

"Think he'll win?" Ben asked.

"I don't know. I hope so. Kevin said he's been beating everyone on our team by a mile. I don't know what kind of runners are on any of the other teams though."

"He's sure been training hard." Pony had been getting up mornings before school in order to get in an extra workout. He told me that even though he'd lost weight during our time at the church, it had turned out to be an advantage, because he had lost fat and then added muscle. He was still thin; he had always been the thinnest one in the family, but now he was deceivingly strong. He used to be an easy wrestling target for Two-Bit, but lately Pony had been giving him a run for his money, and had earned a little more credibility among the guys for his strength.

"I know." I didn't tell Ben about my conversation that I'd had with Darry; how hurt he had been about the fact that Pony hadn't told him about the meet. I wanted Pony to win, but even more than that, I wanted Darry to be there to see him win, and even more than _that_, I wanted Pony to know that Darry had come to see him win. But Darry had already gone to work, that morning, before we left the house, and I had no reason to think he'd be coming except for the persistent hope that he really wanted to start working to mend the rifts between him and Pony.

Ben leaned up into the backstop next to me and stared straight ahead. Our arms were touching, just barely, but there was no denying the fact that every inch of my skin that was touching Ben was letting my brain know about it.

"You and Anna are getting pretty close, huh?" he said, and something in his tone made me look over at him.

"I guess so," I said. "It's kind of nice to have a girl around, sometimes, you know… I don't really have anyone else to talk to about, you know, girl stuff." Ben had been the only person to look at me and come right out and ask, with no hint of embarrassment, "Are you wearing a bra?" I had answered yes, and that had been that.

I got the feeling he was a little jealous, about me having another friend. We had always been inseparable.

"You know, when I was at her house, she offered me a beer." I didn't quite know why I was telling him this.

"She did?" Ben knew how I couldn't get away with anything.

"Yeah. She just takes them from her Dad, and he doesn't notice."

"So, did you have one?"

"No. But now I'm kinda wishing that I did. You know I can't do anything like that without getting in trouble around my own house."

"If you're that determined to drink a beer, you can come over to my house anytime you want and drink one, Scout. I'm not part of Darry's FBI." I realized that, without knowing it, that had been exactly what I had wanted him to say.

"Why are you so interested in it anyway?" he continued.

"I don't know, I'm just curious. You've tried it." I was thinking about what Two-Bit had said, it just makes things seem a little bit easier. Easy sounded good, even if it was just for a night.

"Well, I'd rather you come over my house for your drinking experimentation than go get yourself into a bad situation somewhere else."

"I guess." That seemed to be my opinion on a lot of things lately.

Just then they started lining up the runners for the hundred-meter dash, one of Pony's events. I guess part of the reason that he was such a big deal for the track team was because he was more versatile than most runners. He could run the sprints as well as the distance events. The only thing he couldn't run was hurdles. The coach had tried for a few weeks to groom him for a hurdles event and, after a period of non-stop bruised shins from hitting them, and sore wrists from frequent crash landings, he had finally given up. Pony said he just couldn't get the timing of the jumps down.

We sat down again next to Two-Bit and Anna, who were discussing the relative merits of junior high and high school- strangely enough, Two-Bit was arguing for junior high and Anna was advocating for high school. I was swinging my feet in the space below the bleacher when suddenly somebody grabbed hold of both of my feet from below. I screamed, scaring the life out of all three of my companions.

I leaned down and looked under the bleachers to see the very amused smiling face of none other than Darry. He hoisted himself up through the space between the seats to sit down on the bleacher in front of us.

"Well that's a fine howdy-do!" Two-Bit yelled at him, "Causin' us all a premature demise just for a few laughs at our expense!" Anna had grabbed on to Two-Bit for dear life when I had screamed and was embarrassedly removing herself from his lap.

"Am I late?" Darry asked, expertly ducking as I swung at him. "Hey, Scout, how are ya?" He grabbed my arm and pulled me forward, whispering, "Sorry, but it was just too easy."

I was so glad that he had come, I probably would have forgiven him, even if any of us _had_ suffered a premature demise.

"You're right on time," I said, and pointed. The runners were lined up and taking their mark. I always cringed at the sound of the starting gun- I didn't know how Pony could stand to hear it without thinking about seeing Dallas get shot. I had asked Soda, and he told me that it was definitely _after_ Dallas was shot that Pony had collapsed, so he had definitely seen and heard it. After seeing that, I would have been paralyzed at the sound of a gunshot, but it only seemed to energize Pony as he shot off the blocks. Maybe he _was _afraid and was somehow able to convert that fear into power.

He won easily, never less than two full strides ahead of the closest runner. Our section of the bleachers, most notably represented by the voice of Two-Bit, screamed in support, and I saw Pony look up at us and noticeably react when he saw Darry. After a second of indecision, his gaze softened and he smiled and waved. I realized it was exactly how I had felt when Darry had come to my basketball game: initial panic, and worry that I might not measure up, and eventual gratitude for his support. The minute I saw Pony smile I knew he would win every event.

His performance in the two hundred meter dash was comparable. Nobody was even close. In his distance event, the two-mile, he led slightly throughout the entire race, but on the last two laps he made a complete mockery of his opponents, as, out of nowhere, he pulled off a sprinting finish that I could not have managed on five days rest, much less after having already run over a mile. For his final performance, he anchored the team to come from behind in the 4X400 relay. His teammates rushed him at the finish line, tackling him to the ground and eventually lifting him up on their shoulders.

I looked over at Darry, who was beaming. I was so glad he had been able to be there that I had to work hard not to cry. Ben looked over at me and somehow, I knew he knew what I was thinking. He squeezed my hand. I felt bad when I realized that we hadn't even bothered to see how Kevin had fared in the shotput.

Darry stood up and started down the stands. I watched him go up and pat Ponyboy on the shoulder, and after a second's hesitation on both parts, they engaged in a wholehearted embrace. Darry talked to him for a minute and I saw Pony point and lead him over to his coach. Darry shook his hand and I watched them talk, no doubt _about_ Pony, since he stood awkwardly to the side, nervously shuffling his feet in the dirt of the track. Finally, Darry reached out his arm and pulled him in towards him, all three men smiling. I remembered how Darry had gotten along with my coach in the hospital, how it had made me feel like he was taking an interest in what was going on in my life, and felt a renewed hope for Pony and Darry. I wished Soda could have been there to see it; I couldn't wait to tell him.

I was planning on just riding home with Darry, since he was there, but I kind of wanted him and Pony to have some more time alone. Anna turned out to be my perfect excuse.

"Hey, Two-Bit, you have anywhere to be right now?" I asked.

"I told you, Scooter, my social calendar is _full_. I'm a very busy man."

"Look, Two-Bit, drive me and Anna home, and I'll send you home with an entire pizza."

"Sold."

"Okay, just let me go tell Darry," I said. "I'll meet you two at the car." I headed down to the track with Ben while Two-Bit headed with Anna toward the student parking lot.

"I would go with you but I don't think I should send Anna alone with Two-Bit," I told Ben.

"Good thinking," he said.

"See you at home?" I asked.

"You know you will," he grinned, and headed off to find Kevin.

I sneaked up behind Darry and hit the backs of his knees, taking his legs out from under him. He recovered quickly, though, and grabbed me by the waist as I tried to run away.

"Payback's tough, huh?" he asked.

"That's right," I smiled. "I got Two-Bit to drive Anna home, so I'm gonna ride with him, okay?"

"That's fine," he answered. "Hey, why don't you pick up some dinner for us there and bring it home? It's Pony's night to cook but I think he deserves the night off." He handed me some money. "Just get spaghetti or something, since Pony likes that." We had just been to Angelo's the night before, for our usual Thursday night pizza.

"Okay. I'll see you at home, " I turned and ran back over to the bleachers.

"Don't let Two-Bit get into any trouble over there," Darry yelled, as I ran off. I knew what he meant, but there really wasn't anything out in the open to steal at the restaurant, so I wasn't too worried. I didn't think he would feel the need to walk out with the silverware or anything.

"You wanna drive?" Two-Bit asked when we got to the car. I played along, for Anna's sake. There was nobody else really parked near him, since he usually split the difference between the high school and junior high, and therefore was pretty far from both. I took the keys, got in, and started the car. Two-Bit hopped in the passenger seat, and Anna just stood by, open-mouthed. Reverse was not my best gear, but I did manage to get us backed out of the spot and facing the right direction without bucking or stalling.

"Come on, Anna," Two-Bit said. "The bus is leavin'."

She just looked on, dumbfounded.

"Scout… I don't know if… I don't think…"

"What?" I asked. "Two-Bit's been teaching me for months now."

"She ain't too bad, Anna. She still has some trouble stopping on hills, and every once in a while she forgets to downshift, but…" Two-Bit was loving every minute of this.

"Scout, you're not even thirteen yet." That I found funny- she would have been comfortable with this if I was thirteen instead of twelve? I started moving the car forward, just the tiniest bit.

"Okay, okay," she said, and got in the back. I pulled the parking brake and Two-Bit and I looked at each other.

"We got you, Anna," I said, as Two-Bit laughed maniacally and I climbed over him into the passenger seat.

I could see her let out a sigh of relief. "Jeez, Scout, I didn't want you to think I didn't trust you or anything but man, I was pretty worried."

I just laughed.

"You really can drive, though, huh? That's tuff."

"Well, I'm still learning," I said. "Don't say anything to my brothers about it, okay? They don't know, and if Darry found out I'm not sure if he would kill me, or Two-Bit, or both of us."

"I think both is most likely," Two-Bit said. I had to agree.

We hung out at Angelo's while they cooked our order. I introduced Two-Bit to Mr. Harvey and he was on his very best behavior. I'm sure he knew Darry would kill him if he did anything embarrassing in front of Alison's dad.

When we had been waiting for a few minutes, I was surprised to hear Alison call me over from behind the counter. I walked over and she handed me the phone. "Darry's on the phone for you," she said. She must have noticed the worry in my face, wondering why he would be calling me at the restaurant when he knew I would be home soon anyway, because she said,

"Don't worry, Scout. Everything's okay. He just wants to ask you something."

I took the phone.

"Darry?"

"Hey. Can you and Two-Bit swing by the DX and pick up Soda on your way home? Steve got stuck working the night shift because the night guy's sick."

"Yeah, no problem."

"Okay, see you at home then."

"Okay. Bye, Dar."

"Bye."

"What was that all about?" Two-Bit asked when I came back over.

"We have to go get Soda. Steve has to work late."

"I'm gonna start charging cab fare, all the drivin' around I do for y'all lately." He was complaining, but in fact I knew he loved it. Two-Bit needed to be around people, he was most unhappy when he was alone.

Just then our order came up. Despite my protests, Mr. Harvey insisted that I accept a huge container of salad and some garlic bread that he had thrown in for free, along with our huge order of spaghetti.

"Gotta keep your brother strong and healthy," he said. He had heard about Pony's track meet.

Two-Bit grabbed the spaghetti and I followed with the salad and bread. He had decided that he wanted to have spaghetti with us instead of the pizza I had promised.

When we pulled up at the DX, Soda was waiting for us outside and hopped in, grabbing the bag of bread out of my hands and taking out a piece. I swear, he was always hungry.

"That smells great!" he said, trying to pry the lid off the huge container of spaghetti.

"Come on Soda, leave it," I said. "We'll be home in a couple minutes." Surprisingly, he left it and went back to his bread.

"How'd the track meet go?" he asked.

"Great," I said. "Pony smoked the competition in every event. Darry didn't tell you?"

"Maybe he didn't know. I don't know if Pony was home yet when I called."

"Soda, Darry came to the meet," I said, smiling.

"He did?" He sounded every bit as happy about that as I had been. I knew he wanted Pony and Darry getting along even more than I did.

"Yeah, he saw everything. Even talked to Pony's coach. I sent them home in the truck while I went with Two-Bit to drop off Anna and get dinner."

Soda was smiling from ear to ear.

We pulled up at the house and Two-Bit grabbed the spaghetti, while Soda headed in with the bread and salad. Darry put up the expected fuss when he saw what Mr. Harvey had sent us for free, but I knew it would be a good excuse to call over there later and talk to Alison. For the first time in months, we ate dinner with no bickering, and no underlying current of tension between Pony and Darry.

After dinner, I was sent off to do homework, along with Pony, while Two-Bit, Soda, and Darry cleaned up. I heard the phone ring and Darry answer. I sat perfectly still, trying to listen in on what he was saying.

"Yes, this is Darrel."

"Oh, hi, how are you?"

"Good, thanks."

"Really? That's _fantastic_!" That was not a word that Darry usually used.

"No, it won't be a problem. I assure you, he'll be there."

"Yes, you too. Thanks. I'll get him," Darry paused. "Pony?" he yelled. I heard Ponyboy come out of his room.

"It's your coach," Darry said.

I got up and walked to the living room door. Darry looked ecstatic. Soda must have been listening too, because he appeared behind me after a minute. We both looked on, puzzled.

Finally Pony hung up. He turned to Darry.

"Darry, it's too far. You don't have to."

"Oh, you're going, Pony. It's an honor."

Soda and I must have looked confused, because Darry turned to us and explained.

"The meet, today… " he started. "Pony's times… he qualified for the state meet next Saturday."

"That's great, Pony," Soda said, and ran over to embrace him.

"I'm not going," Pony said. "It's too far." He looked at Darry. "You don't have to, Darry. It's okay."

"Where is it?" Soda asked.

"Hough," Pony said. "Way up in the panhandle. Its almost six hours away."

"Pony, we're going. You don't miss an opportunity like this," Darry said. "There's no way we're missing this. You win at states as a freshman, and you are on everyone's radar. You'll be guaranteed a scholarship."

I knew how much Darry wanted Pony to go to college. Me, too, but I was second in line.

"Pony, you qualified. You have to go. You're representing Tulsa," I said.

He hesitated, the finally asked Darry,

"You sure you don't mind? It's a really long ride, Darry."

"I know," he said. "I'm up for it. I'll drive anywhere to see my brother become a state champion."

I am sure Soda felt the same way I did. They had to go, together.

"Okay, then," Pony said. "I'll go."

I fell asleep within seconds that night.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing. Please read and review my Outsiders oneshot, "Their Hands," that I posted today, too!**


	15. The Birthday

Darry and Pony left in the early morning hours that next Saturday. As I heard the truck start, I grabbed my clock and pulled it over to my face. Two forty-five. The meet started at ten, and I knew Darry wanted to make sure they were there early. I was sure Pony would fall asleep the second they pulled out of the driveway and not wake up until they got there. He could sleep anywhere. I put the clock back and tried to fall back asleep, but something just felt wrong, knowing that two people who should be sleeping in the house were gone. I wondered if Darry and Soda had that feeling when Pony and I were gone.

Even in the first nights after my parents died, I hadn't felt an emptiness like I felt right then. Knowing that it was just me and Soda in the house felt terribly lonely. It hit me how profoundly Pony's absence must have affected Soda, considering they slept in the same bed. I could feel Pony's absence from the _house_… I can only imagine how that feeling of absence must be magnified when you were used to feeling his presence right next to you in the bed.

I lay awake for a long time. Finally, just as the first rays of dawn peeked under my shades, I fell back asleep.

When I awoke again, I heard our front door slamming and voices. Two-Bit and Steve.

"Where's the birthday boy?" they yelled, and I didn't need to see it to know that they had burst into Soda's room and attacked him in his bed. He shrieked, and there was the unmistakable ruckus of a wrestling match. It was Soda's seventeenth birthday. Pony had tried to use _that_ as an excuse for getting out of his track meet as well, but Soda would have none of it. He told him that all he wanted for his birthday was for Pony to be state champion.

I glanced at the clock and was shocked to see that it was ten o'clock. Usually somebody was awake and making noise around the house way before that, but with Darry and Pony gone, nobody had awakened us. I climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Two-Bit came out of Soda's bedroom and slapped me on the back on the way by.

"Mornin' Scooter. Rise and shine."

I didn't answer. I was finding that the closer I got to my teenage years, the less of a morning person I was.

I showered and dressed, and emerged from my room into the hallway to hear Two-Bit and Steve trying to convince Soda to go out with them that night.

"C'mon Soda, come out with us. We're gonna celebrate you bein' one year closer to legal," Two-Bit laughed.

"There's no way you're spending your birthday fucking babysitting," Steve said. I took that opportunity to enter the kitchen.

"He's right, Soda," I said, not even giving Steve the satisfaction of looking at him. "I don't need a babysitter. Go out tonight. Have some fun."

"That's a smart kid, right there," Two-Bit said.

"Thanks," I said, slapping him on the head.

"Look, I gotta get to work," Steve said, "but I'm comin' to pick you up at seven tonight, and you're comin' out. I ain't letting my best friend stay home on his birthday. We're gonna take you out and show you a damn good time, buddy!"

"We'll see," Soda said.

"No, _you'll _see," Steve said, and headed off to work.

I came around behind Soda and hugged him. "Happy Birthday," I said. The last birthday our family had celebrated had been mine, and I was sure that, for all of us, it was a bittersweet memory. My birthday celebration had been amazing- quality family time, yet, just a few hours later, any possibility of more of that family time had come to a very tragic end.

"Thanks," he said.

"So what're we gonna do for fun?" Two-Bit looked at us, clearly expecting to be entertained.

I looked at the clock. Eleven-fifteen. Soda was still in his pajamas.

"Go get dressed, Soda," I said. "Darry gave me some money. Me and Two-Bit are takin' you out to lunch."

"That's what I'm talkin' about," Two-Bit said, smiling. He was always up for a free meal.

"I guess that'll work," Soda said. Pony and Darry both had felt bad about being gone for Soda's birthday, and Darry had given me money after dinner the previous night, telling me to take him out for lunch. He hadn't mentioned bringing Two-Bit along, but had given me more than enough money to cover a guest or two. I was relieved that Steve had to work. It being Soda's birthday, I would have sat through lunch with him, but I definitely preferred not to.

Soda headed off to the shower, and left Two-Bit and me in the kitchen.

"We gotta cheer that kid up," he said, once Soda was out of earshot.

"I know," I said. "I just don't know how."

"He needs a new lady friend," he said. "There's no sense in him being hung up on Sandy. She's gone; she ain't comin' back. She made that pretty clear."

"I know," I said. The night I had seen Soda throw her letter in the trash, I had gone back and fished it out, just for the address. I had a good mind to tell her exactly what I thought about how she had treated him; I just hadn't been able to put it into writing thus far.

"We'll find him a girl, tonight. That's a pretty damn good birthday present, don'tcha think?" Two-Bit asked.

I didn't answer. I was pretty sure Soda wasn't ready to be with another girl; the only girl he wanted was Sandy. But I supposed that Two-Bit, being a guy, might know what Soda needed better than I would.

Shortly after, Soda reappeared, freshly showered and smelling like a Curtis male.

"So, where we going, Soda?" I asked. "You choose; it's your day."

He looked lost. He hated being the one to choose. I think he was always a little bit afraid that he would choose something that one of us had secretly hoped he wouldn't.

"Delores is workin' at Jay's today," Two-Bit said, elbowing him.

"Okay," Soda said, "Jay's, then."

We all got into Two-Bit's car and headed out. Jay's was packed- Saturday lunch was probably their busiest meal of the week, as everybody woke up hungry after their adventures of the previous night. Soda was a total celebrity, since Two-Bit took it upon himself to announce, the minute we came through the door:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present, our birthday boy, now seventeen years old, Sodapop Curtis."

Soda indulged Two-Bit by taking a bow, and within minutes, he was surrounded by his adoring fans, the vast majority of them female. Soda was friendly to them- shoot, he was friendly to everyone, but none of them sparked that glow in his eyes that he had always had with Sandy. I cursed her again for leaving. She should have been here for this, I thought. For all of his birthdays. He wanted to marry her; he loved her that much.

It was funny that Darry had given me money, because people kept buying Soda food and drinks: Pepsi after Pepsi, French fries, milkshakes… We all ate from the food that kept arriving for Soda, and the only money I ended up spending was to tip Delores, Two-Bit's preferred waitress of the hour. Darry would be ecstatic to get almost all of his money back, I figured.

I was sitting in our booth, sucking up the dregs of my milkshake through the straw, when I noticed a car in the parking lot that, for some reason, caught my eye. I watched as a group of guys surrounded it, a tall, overly greased one slipping into the driver's seat. Seeing him again, he looked far more intimidating than he had the first time. I don't know whether I made a noise, or if it was the way I was staring, or what, but Soda knew something was up.

"Scout, what is it?" he asked.

"Those are the guys… that came to the house." I stared out the window.

"Where?" he stood up.

"Right there," I said. "In that green car."

"Are you sure?" Two-Bit asked. He had heard all about it.

"Positive," I said.

"You stay here," Soda said, and he and Two-Bit got up and ran for the door.

I watched out the window as the car pulled away, and then Two-Bit and Soda appeared where it had been, yelling after it, but their voices went unheard. The car was gone.

They came back in and sat down.

"You _sure_ that was them?" Soda asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Well, least now we know what they look like," Two-Bit said. "And the car."

I truly didn't know what to say. I was a little shaken. More than anything, I was glad that they had left, and there had been no trouble. If anything had happened to Soda with Darry gone all the way to the other end of the state, I'm not sure what I would have done. The last thing I needed with Darry gone was Soda and Two-Bit getting in a fight.

"Well, they're gone," I said.

"For now," Two-Bit said. "Now that I've seen them, though, they're gonna have some questions to answer next time we meet," he said.

"They haven't done anything, Two-Bit," I reminded him.

"They scared you, that's enough."

I just wanted to change the subject.

"So, it's somebody's birthday here… who wants ice cream?"

____________

By the time we got back home it was nearly two o'clock. Ben was outside shooting baskets and I joined him. After a while, Soda and Two-Bit must have gotten bored with each other inside, because they came out and started playing with us. The two of them made quite a team. As agile as Two-Bit can be in a fight or wrestling match, and as decent as he is at football, he couldn't play basketball to save his life. He was pretty amusing to watch, however. Soda was an okay shot, but was constantly getting the ball stolen out of his hands because he didn't pay enough attention to what was going on around him; he was too focused on shooting. It didn't seem to occur to him that somebody might block his shot or grab the ball right out of his hands, which both Ben and I did, again and again.

After an hour or so of basketball, we were all pretty well worn out, and ended up sitting out on the porch and steps just doing nothing. Two-Bit was still convincing Soda that he should go out for his birthday.

"I don't know, Two-Bit," he said. "I told Darry I'd stay in with Scout."

"I don't need a babysitter," I replied. I had heard Ponyboy sing that familiar song for years, and, suddenly, I was on board. I was twelve; there was no reason I couldn't be home alone for a few hours.

"I'll babysit her," Ben said, sitting on the step below me, and I kicked him, connecting with his back a bit harder than I had intended.

"Shut up, Ben," I said, as he rubbed the spot I had kicked.

"Darry would kill me," Soda said.

"_Darry won't know_," Two-Bit and I both said at the same time.

"You know he's not gonna be home 'til after midnight," Two-Bit continued. "That's plenty of time to have some fun."

"Soda, I'm gonna feel guilty if you stay home because of me," I said. "Go out. I'll be fine. I'll stay home and lock all the doors and windows." I meant that to be funny, but immediately thought it probably hadn't been the smartest thing to say, considering the visitors we'd had the week before.

"I think you'd better," he said.

"I will, if you go." I smiled at him.

"I'll think about it," he said. I knew right then that he would go. God knows, I thought, if anyone deserves a night of fun, it's Soda. He'd been miserable for the past month or so; if Steve and Two-Bit knew how to cheer him up, I was all for it.

Two-Bit also must have known that we had convinced Soda, because he stood up, announcing that he would be back to go out with Soda and Steve later. I was sure he was going somewhere to do some pre-party partying.

It was nearly four-thirty by the time Soda, Ben or I motivated to do anything but sit on the porch and talk. Ben was interested in cars, and most of their conversation revolved around that, so I just tuned it out, thinking my own thoughts. I wondered how Pony was doing at his meet, how he and Darry were getting along. I looked over at Ben, watching him talking about transmissions and chassis with Soda and realized that if Soda went out, Ben and I could hang out alone. I thought about that beer that he had invited me to drink at his house. Tonight just might be my chance.

"_Scout?_"

Both Soda and Ben were staring at me.

"What? Sorry." I had no idea what they had said. I hadn't even heard them talking to me.

"What color do you think Soda should paint his car?" Ben asked.

"Blue." I didn't even hesitate. Our parents' car had been blue; we had always had a blue car.

"Blue it is, then," Soda said, and squeezed my shoulder. He always understood.

Just then the phone rang. Soda stood up and went in to answer it.

"Ben?" I asked. There was no point in beating around the bush.

"Yeah? You all done spacing out?" he replied.

"So, if Soda goes out tonight, I'm coming over for that beer you offered," I said.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yup." Who knew when I would ever get another chance, with all three brothers gone.

"Okay…" he said, with a tinge of something in his voice that I couldn't quite decipher, and I didn't have time to, because Soda was at the door.

"Hey Scout, your brother the state champion wants to talk to you."

I jumped up. "No way!"

He handed me the phone.

"Pony? You won?"

"Yeah, the two mile and the hundred meter. Came in second in the two hundred."

"That's so good!"

"Yeah," he said. "I think so." It was funny, to hear him, he was clearly so happy that he didn't even know how to react.

"I'm really proud of you, Pony. I wish we all could have been there," I said. Though, really, I think both Soda and I had wanted just Pony and Darry to go together, alone.

"Yeah, me too. Here, Darry wants to talk to you."

I heard the phone being passed and then Darry's voice.

"Scout?"

"Hi, Dar," I answered.

"Everything going okay there?" he asked.

"Yeah, fine. I took Soda out for lunch, like you said, but he was like a movie star and everybody bought him stuff, so I still have most of the money."

He laughed. "Well, that's Soda for you. Put the birthday boy on? I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Pony and I are just gonna get some dinner then we're coming back." I looked at the clock. It was five… with dinner and a six hour drive they would be back around one or two in the morning.

"Soda, Darry wants to talk to you," I called. He came back into the room and I handed him the phone.

I heard him tell Darry about lunch and headed back out to the porch with Ben. He looked at me skeptically.

"I want to," I said. "I'll bring the beer." I was pretty sure nobody would notice if I took some from my fridge.

Ben opened his mouth as if to say something, but Soda came back out to the porch before he could say anything.

"That's cool, huh? About Pony?"

"Yeah. Looks like you got your birthday present," I said.

Soda grinned.

"Soda, you're going out tonight," I said. "You better go get cleaned up," He was all dirty and sweaty from our basketball playing.

"You're okay, Scout," he said, winking, as he headed off to the shower.

I headed in after him, telling Ben I'd see him later, and getting to work cooking up some pasta for dinner. No sooner had we finished, but Steve and Two-Bit were at the door.

"Okay, birthday boy," Steve said, "Let's go. Tonight's your lucky night!"

"Up and at 'em," Two-Bit added, pulling him up from the table.

Soda looked at me with an expression that read half-apology, half-thanks, and stood up, allowing himself to be led off by Two-Bit and Steve.

"Lock the door, Scout," he called, as they led him out the door.

"I will." I answered, and smiled, despite myself.

_________________

**A/N: I promised things would get complicated… They will. I hope you're ready.**

**THANK YOU to everyone who has read and reviewed my recent one-shot, "Their Hands."  
**


	16. The Sneaking

Once I was sure Soda had gone, I set my plan into action. I went into the kitchen and took a six-pack of beer out of the refrigerator. Like Anna had suggested, it was unlikely anyone was keeping track of how much beer was in our fridge, and, even if anyone did notice some missing, Two-Bit would most likely be blamed. At this point, I was probably the least likely suspect.

I went back into my bedroom, pulled up my screen, and slipped out my bedroom window. Since my room faced the side opposite where we parked Darry's truck, my window made for convenient entrances and escapes without being seen. When Soda and Pony had slept in my room, I am sure they had made much better use of the window than I did, but, since I already felt like I was doing something forbidden, I figured I might as well sneak out, too. Plus, I thought, if Soda came back early he wouldn't have known I left the house. I could leave the front door locked and sneak back in if I heard him come home. I walked through the backyard and found Ben waiting for me at the fence bridge. He took the beer from my hand and helped me up and over the fence.

"Thanks," I said. He just looked at me and smiled, shaking his head, like he couldn't believe what I had suggested we do. I was a little surprised myself, but figured I might as well take the opportunity to see what all the fuss about drinking was about.

We walked up his porch steps and sat in the chairs. He put down the beer and looked at me.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" he asked.

"Yes." I said.

He seemed skeptical. "Why?" he asked.

"Because I'm curious," I said. I was still thinking about what Two-Bit had said, that it makes things seem easier. Maybe, for just a night, I wouldn't have to think about losing my parents, how hard Darry had to work to support us, how miserable Soda was, and how worried I was that Pony and Darry might fall back into their fighting routine again.

"I want to try it. And I know you won't rat me out to Darry," I added.

"Of course I won't," he assured me.

"Your Mom's working, right?" I asked.

"All night." His mom sometimes worked a double at the hospital on weekends.

"Kevin?"

"He doesn't care anyway, but he's out with Sweeney and Jakes."

Sweeney and Jakes were an institution on our side of town. I truly did not even know which one was Sweeney and which was Jakes, or how they got their names. They were not actually related, yet I had never seen one without the other. I think they lived together, though I was not sure why. Something about their single parents having dated when they were young and they had both decided they enjoyed having an accomplice for the wide array of trouble they caused. They traveled in an enormous boat of a car, yellow with black stripes, and I always saw it as a giant wounded bumblebee floating down the street.

They were tough, and had quite a reputation for fighting, but, as far as I knew, they were pretty harmless to someone like me. Kevin occasionally hung out with them, as did Soda and Steve. In fact, it was pretty likely that Soda and Kevin and their respective groups would end up at the same place. There were only a few establishments in our neighborhood where minors could get served, and I am sure that is what all of them, except Soda, had in mind. Maybe even Soda, too. He didn't usually drink, but with how miserable he had been lately, anything was possible.

"Oh. Okay."

"You still sure?" he asked.

"Definitely," I said.

Ben reached down, pulled a bottle opener out of his pocket, and opened one of the bottles.

"For you, mademoiselle," he said, and handed it to me. I waited until he had opened his own. "To growing up," I offered a toast. We clinked our bottles together. Somehow I felt my first experience with alcohol was a rite of passage; that afterward I might no longer feel like such a kid. I was sick of being treated like one.

"Amen," Ben said as he drank up. He had drunk his first beer the past summer. My first swallow almost made me gag. This was what I had been waiting for? It tasted terrible. I forced it down.

It got easier and even seemed to taste better after the first beer. Ben turned on the radio in his living room and we listened to music, singing along and getting sillier by the minute. Before we knew it, the beer was gone, and both of us were giddy, dancing around and pretending our bottles were microphones. I hadn't felt so carefree in a long time. I didn't want to come down.

"C'mere," I called Ben down to the yard.

"What?" he asked.

"Lay with me," I said, and pulled him down. "Look at the stars." I remembered how Pony had made me look at the stars at the church, how I had wondered if it was just the perspective of lying down that had made them look different out in the country than they did in Tulsa.

They looked pretty indistinct, but that might have just been from the alcohol. I wasn't sure.

"Aw, look at them," Ben said, giggling.

"We drank everything," I laughed.

"I think my Mom has some wine inside," he said. I laughed and he got up and went into to get it. He came out with a bottle of wine and a corkscrew and our little party continued on the porch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We sat side by side on the swing, both of us realizing we had drunk too much, but surprised by the emotions aroused in us by the lack of inhibition brought on by the alcohol. We were very giggly, and kept trying to tickle each other. I liked the way my hands felt on Ben's stomach, making him laugh. And the way his hands felt on mine. We had turned the radio down and it remained in the background, but not so loud anymore that we had to yell at each other to be heard over it. I shivered.

"You're cold," Ben said.

"No I'm not," I lied. But my teeth were practically chattering.

"Yeah, you are." Ben took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders. As he reached around me, his face was inches from my own. I closed my eyes.

I knew what I wanted to do. "Do it!" my mind screamed.

"Ben?" I tried to speak his name in question form. I wanted him to turn towards me.

It worked, because he turned and looked right at me.

"What?" He looked suspicious, as though I was, at any moment, going to reach out and tickle him again.

We stared at each other for a second, then I admitted,

"I came over here with a plan." I realized I was having some difficulty talking.

"To get drunk?" he asked. "Successful plan." We both laughed.

"No… another plan." I was so nervous.

"Okay, then, what was your plan?" He was still staring at me, the blue in his eyes such a different shade than I was used to seeing in my own.

I reached behind him on the swing, put my arm around him, and pulled him towards me until we sat eye to eye.

"This was my plan," I said, and extended my neck so that my face was almost touching his. He met me halfway, and our lips met to let what we had been feeling toward each other finally be acknowledged. As we kissed, my entire body gravitated towards Ben, and his arms encircled me. Our mouths remained against each other for a long moment, and finally Ben pulled away and looked me in the eye. It was just what I had imagined a first kiss should be: soft, gentle, _safe_. His gaze was filled with something like happiness, along with a touch of surprise and skepticism.

"_Scout Curtis!_" He feigned shock. "_You vixen!"_

I leaned in and kissed him again. This time he participated a bit more actively, until suddenly pulling away. I looked at him. "What? Am I a bad kisser?"

"Scout," Ben began, "you're drunk. _I'm_ drunk. You probably don't even know what you're doing right now."

"Yes, I do. I know exactly what I'm doing. I wanted to. I wanted to kiss you, Ben. I was just scared, that's why I brought the beer. I never wanted to kiss someone before." I heard talking, but it didn't seem like I was the one doing it.

He was listening, though.

"I don't even know how to kiss anyone. Two-Bit always has a beer whenever he is nervous about something; he says it gives him courage. I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't know if you wanted me to. I was afraid you wouldn't kiss back. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." I was talking way too fast and my words weren't coming out right.

He stared me directly in the eyes. I saw him take a deep breath.

"I want you to kiss me, Scout." He leaned back in and put his arms around me and pulled me towards him. "And I want to kiss you back." Our bodies merged in another kiss and for a moment I felt in my heart the frightening truth of how much I cared for him, how my feelings about him were changing. He put his hand on my waist and it sent shivers all over my body. Immediately the porch began to spin, and I pulled away. I turned and sat with my head between my knees, my eyes closed.

"_Scout? You okay_? I'm sorry." Ben was immediately concerned. I guessed he thought I had pulled away because of his hand on my waist.

"It's not you, Ben. I'm just dizzy. _I'm_ sorry."

"What are you sorry about?"

"I want to keep kissing you. But I'm just feeling kinda sick."

"Don't be sorry. I'm pretty sure you'll get another chance," Ben said. I could hear in his voice that he was smiling. I liked that, the thought that we could kiss again, maybe without the questionable benefits of beer next time.

"Plus, I'm not surprised you're feeling sick," he added. "You drank four of the beers and at least a quarter of the wine."

I was shocked. I hadn't meant to drink so much, but I had lost track. "How come you're not drunk?" I asked. That meant he had drunk the other two beers as well as the other three-quarters of the wine.

"I am, just not as much as you are," he said. "I'm bigger and I've drank before." I had no idea what difference that made, but I didn't even try to think about it.

I was pretty sure by that point that I was going to throw up. Embarrassed to be sick in front of Ben, I stood up.

"I think I better go. I'm probably gonna get sick." I was really slurring my words now.

"Let me take you home."

"No, Ben, I just…" I realized I was going to be sick sooner rather than later and I turned and ran down the stairs. Running toward home, the combination of my dizziness and my drunkenness caused my to misjudge the jump onto the fence into my own yard. My shin caught on the sharp edges and I fell face down onto it. Knowing I had nowhere better to go, and that I wasn't going to make it into my own house, I turned my head and threw up, through the wire in the fence. Then, not even knowing why, I started to cry.

Ben was at my side in a second. He took my hand. "Are you okay?"

"I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be. First time I ever drank too much, I got sick in Kevin's car. He didn't talk to me for two weeks! You'll be okay. Hey, don't cry, Scout. Come on, here, I'll help you home."

He lifted me up and I put my arm around his shoulders. I felt even drunker than I had before I got sick, which didn't quite make sense to me, since I figured that a good portion of what I had drunk was no longer in my body. I could hardly make it up the front stairs. He sat me on the porch when he realized the door was locked, and went around to crawl in my window, so he could open it from the inside. He stood me back up and walked me into the bathroom and put toothpaste on my toothbrush for me. "This will make you feel a little better," he said. I brushed while he watched.

"Can you handle everything else in here?"

"I think so." As long as I had something to hold onto, I thought I was okay.

"I'll wait out here." Ben closed the door.

I washed my face and went to the bathroom. Opening the door to leave, I immediately lost my balance and fell into the doorframe. Ben jumped up from the couch.

"Come on, clumsy." He reached down and put his arm behind my knees, scooping me up into his arms. I was surprised. I had never thought of Ben as strong, maybe because, to me, strength was usually measured in relation to Darry. But he held me firmly, and effortlessly carried me into my bedroom and lay me down on the bed closest the door. Since I have Soda and Pony's old room, I have two beds. I noticed that Ben must have come in and pulled down the covers when I was in the bathroom. I was just going to sleep in my clothes.

He looked down at me, then his face turned to a frown. "You're bleeding!" he said. I sat up. Where I had run into the fence there was a large scratch, and blood was dripping down the side of my leg onto my sheets.

"The fence…, " I said. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." Ben had already gone well above and beyond the call of duty.

"Where's your bandages and stuff?"

"Medicine cabinet."

He walked out and returned a moment later with peroxide and Band-aids. He poured some of the peroxide onto a washcloth and wiped it over my cut. I couldn't feel a thing. No sting whatsoever. I'm drunk, I thought, and closed my eyes to keep the room from spinning again. I felt him put a few Band-aids on my cut, pull off my shoes, and get up.

I figured he was leaving, so I opened my eyes. Instead I saw him go over to my desk and take my wastebasket. He walked out of the room and I heard the bathroom sink running. He returned and placed the wastebasket, now containing an inch or so of water, on the floor between my two beds. He obviously knew that I might not yet be finished with the aftermath of my drinking.

"Learned that from my Mom," he said.

"My Mom always did that for us when we were sick, too."

I remembered Mom sitting with me and rubbing my back one time I had the flu, getting sick into my wastebasket. I had been way too sick to make it to the bathroom. Later I had asked her about the water. "Easier to rinse out," she had told me. I prayed I wouldn't need the wastebasket tonight. And the thought of my Mom made me want to cry. I was glad she wasn't around to see this.

He sat on my bed and looked down at me.

"You need anything else?" he asked.

"I don't think so. Thanks for helping me out. Sorry I was so gross." I closed my eyes.

"You're never gross to me, Scout." He had no idea how much I appreciated him saying that. I was feeling pretty horrible; kissing a boy and then making him watch me get sick.

"Want me to stay with you?"

"No, my brothers might come home. Do you think they'll know I've been drinking?"

"Not unless they usually kiss you goodnight on the mouth," he said. I almost laughed, but felt too sick. I closed my eyes and felt warmth fill my body, as I thought about Ben and me kissing earlier.

"I guess I'll go then," he said, standing up. I thought he was going to just turn and leave but instead he crouched down beside the bed, so he was face to face with me. I opened my eyes and looked at him sideways, my head too heavy to lift off the pillow.

"_Scout_?"

"Yeah?" I was worried he was gonna give me a lecture about drinking, a "Next time don't make the same mistake" kind of thing. But he didn't.

"Next time you want to kiss me, you don't have to be afraid. Okay?"

My eyes closed. "Okay." I nodded sideways.

Suddenly Ben's lips were against mine, softly, and his hand was brushing my hair back out of my face. I was practically asleep. I heard him stand up.

"Sleep tight Scout," I heard him say as he departed through the same window from which I had escaped earlier. I couldn't answer. I was asleep.

________________________________

**A/N: Who's still with me here? Check in, even if it's anonymously. Review! I need you, people!**

**Also, check out my latest one-shot, Just a Moment. (And review that, too!;-))**


	17. The Attack

**A/N: I warned you all that things would get complicated. That happens now.**

**Warning: This chapter contains sexual assault. I don't think anything here goes past the T rating but, if people think it does, let me know and I will fix it. Judging by what is on TV these days, it's hard to tell. If you are offended by such content, you can skip this chapter and tune in to the next and you will figure out what happened.**

**I know introducing such a plot line screams Mary-Sue. I assure you all, this is not a cheap plot device to gain sympathy for my character. If it were, I certainly would not have waited sixty-eight chapters before having it happen. I would NEVER use this as a pointless plot, I fully understand the repercussions and implications of what I am writing, and I hope I portray that acceptably. There is a point, I promise. Stick with me. **

**I know this is not what anyone wanted to see happen to Scout. I don't want it to either, but it's how the story goes.**

**Hmmm. I've never been nervous to post a chapter before, but right now I am.  
**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I awoke shortly after to a commotion in the living room.

"You're the best, Steve." Soda was yelling. "You stuck around. Everybody else leaves, Sandy left, but you're still here. You're all I have left!"

"Yeah, well, you know how to get all the girls for us at parties!"

I could tell by Soda and Steve's slurred voices that they were very drunk, and from the amount of banging and crashing of walls and furniture, it seemed like they were able to maintain balance even less than I had been earlier. Soda almost never drank, but, with how he had been feeling lately, it didn't surprise me that he had been out trying to drown his sorrows. Having Two-Bit along as an enabler probably didn't slow him down any, either. Apparently our plans for the evening had been pretty similar. I wondered how they had even gotten home, hoping Steve hadn't been driving in his current state.

Just go to bed, I wished. I still felt drunk and dizzy.

They must have heard my wishes, as a moment later I heard Soda say, "Enjoy that couch, buddy" and then stumble loudly into his room and fall just as loudly into bed. I heard one, then two shoes hit the floor. I heard Steve turn the TV on and flop down on the couch. Great, I thought. Now I have to listen to that all night. Steve and I rarely had any patience for each other.

I lay in bed for a while, my head still spinning. Now it was bad even with my eyes shut. After about 15 minutes I realized I had to go to the bathroom again and hoped Steve was asleep. I had no desire to talk to him. I didn't hear any noise so I figured it was safe to go out. He's probably passed out, I thought, feeling slightly proud that, at least in _my_ drunken state, I could still mostly remember everything that had happened. I had plans to harass Soda to no end tomorrow about how he had gotten home. I was sure he would have no idea. He probably wouldn't even remember where he had gone. I would never tell Darry about it, though. Poor Soda deserved some fun.

I opened the door and felt my way along the wall to the bathroom. I still didn't feel like I could stand up on my own without the danger of falling over. I went to the bathroom and tiptoed back through the living room. Looking at Steve on the couch, I figured it was probably safe to turn off the TV. He looked pretty well asleep. Darry would be mad if he and Pony came home and found the TV on in the middle of the night. He hated wasting electricity. I walked over to turn it off but as I bent over I lost my balance and fell into the couch. Steve's eyes snapped open. He looked right at me.

"Sorry. I was just turning off the TV."

He looked at me with unfocused eyes. "Man, he's loaded," I thought.

He sniffed at me. "You've been drinking." He looked amused. Obviously the tooth brushing hadn't disguised my breath well enough.

"Maybe, maybe not," I said. Who was he to judge, anyway?

"Perfect little Scout Curtis, out drinking. Wait 'til Darry hears about this." He was as smug as ever. I just didn't like him.

"Shut up, Steve. Go to sleep." I wasn't too worried about him telling Darry because I figured he probably wouldn't even remember this conversation in the morning. I tried to get up and lost my balance again and fell against the coffee table. Steve was suddenly standing over me. "You're _drunk_!" he said.

"No I'm not," I lied, "but you are."

"So what if I am?" He looked at me, and the look in his eyes was nothing I had ever seen before. It wasn't the Steve that just plain annoyed me anymore. Something about that look reminded me of the Socs I had seen in the park that night as they approached Pony and Johnny. It was scary, and suddenly I just wanted to get away from him. I got up and walked toward the door of my room, but suddenly Steve's hands were on me, spinning me around and pinning me against the wall.

"Steve!" I said, sharply. He had never touched me before. "Let me go!"

"You're trashed," he said. "Little ol' Scout Curtis. I always thought you were a little goody-two-shoes but you've been drinkin'. You're no better than the rest of us. You're just a drunk little greaser girl."

I tried to push him away but he was too strong, and, still drunk myself, I was too uncoordinated. I struggled against his grip.

"I'll scream. I'll wake up Soda!" I threatened him. He was still looking at me with something terrifying in his eyes.

"He's passed out. Go ahead, yell. He ain't gonna hear you. Your brother's a lightweight. All the birthday shots he did tonight, he's down for the count." He tightened his grip on my arms.

"I was truly scared of him now. "_Soda!_"" I yelled, as I struggled to break free. No answer.

"You see?" Steve taunted.

"Let me go!" I gathered all my strength and aimed my right knee at his groin. My brothers had taught me long ago that this was the surefire way to incapacitate a boy. But at the last moment he turned to the side and I hit him in the thigh instead. He still loosened his grip for a second and I tried to turn and run. But he grabbed me again before I could and slammed me even harder against the wall. This time I heard a crack as he pinned my back against the hall light switches with the weight of his entire body. Pain shot through my back and I cried out.

"Whassa matter Scout?" he slurred, "I thought you were a tough old greaser girl. Tough on you is way more attractive than that goody-two-shoes you usually act like."

"Steve, let go, you're hurting me." I panted. My back actually hurt so much that I was having trouble breathing.

"Taking your breath away, am I baby? You got a kiss for your Uncle Steve?" He forced his lips onto mine so hard that the back of my head bounced on the wall and hit twice. I tried to cry out, but had no breath. His mouth was covering mine and his tongue was in my mouth. I bit down on it, as hard as I could, which wasn't very hard, since I could hardly breathe.

Steve pulled away from me. "You little bitch," he whispered, and he slugged a hard right across my left cheek.

Suddenly I realized what was happening. He was drunk, he was going to hurt me, and there was no way I was strong enough to get away from him.

"_Soda!_" I screamed, though it seemed barely a whisper. No sound, no movement from his room.

Steve slammed his hand across my mouth and smuggled me around the corner into my bedroom. He shut the door and forced me against it, his hand still over my mouth. I bit him again. Again he pulled away and punched me, in the stomach this time. I doubled over and he pushed me down onto the bed.

"Oh, I see, you like to play rough, huh? I can work with that."

"_Soda!_" I yelled again. Then I saw the open window. "_Ben!_" I yelled. Maybe he would still be awake. Steve reached around into his back pocket and before I knew it there was a six-inch switchblade against my neck.

"You shut your fuckin' mouth, kid, or I swear to God I'll kill you. Your brothers would probably thank me for it, too. You're nothin' but a pain in the ass around here. Nobody wants you around." I didn't make a sound. I hardly could have anyway, yelling was making my back throb even more and I barely had any breath left.

"Yeah, that's right. You just shut up and let ol' Uncle Steve here show you what us greaser guys want from greasy girls like you." I could feel the knife against my neck, just starting to break the skin, blood tickling its way down the side of my neck. I decided then and there to stop yelling. I would fight him off silently. I just need to think, use my head. I can still get away, I thought. I struggled to formulate a plan despite my fuzzy thoughts.

Steve had me pinned on the bed, one of his hands pinning both of mine above my head and the other holding the knife to my neck.

"C' mon Scout, I seen you getting older. Don't you want yourself a real man touchin' you?" He put the knife, now dripping with my blood, down on the bedside table and slid his hand up under my shirt. I tried with everything I could to free my hands from the one still holding mine but his full body weight was on my wrists and I was helpless. I tried kicking him but he was so much taller than I was that when he sat down his weight completely immobilized my legs.

"Please, Steve. Please stop." I begged, whispering. "Please." I was crying. His hand reached up for my chest and settled there. He squeezed so hard I cried out.

"Shut up," he whispered in my ear. "You shut up. I'm gonna show you what a real man wants, what your brother shoulda been gettin' tonight if that little bitch o' his hadn't taken off."

Suddenly, in the midst of my terror, I had an idea. "Steve… But Evie…" I thought maybe if he thought I might tell his girlfriend about this he would stop.

"Oh don't you worry. I already had her tonight. She don't give me no trouble like you. She ain't so fresh and young as you though, either. You feel real nice. And you ain't never gonna say a word about this to her or anyone else or you'll be finding yourself a new home. Nobody'll ever believe your stories."

He lay his body on top of mine and, knowing I was now completely pinned under him, he released my hands. I tried to hit at his back, to punch him, but I was weak and breathless from pain and fear and on top of everything the room was spinning on me again. His hands were everywhere suddenly, all over me. He pressed his face into mine and forced his tongue into my mouth and I thought I might actually suffocate. He tasted like cigarettes and beer and I thought for a moment that I might throw up again. I squirmed and tried to struggle until I had no more strength. Finally he pulled his face away from mine and moved it to my neck, He lowered his mouth and sucked on my neck, biting hard enough to break the skin again, on the opposite side from which he had cut me with the knife.

"No," I begged quietly. "Please." I was sobbing.

"Yes," he whispered roughly, as he bit at my ear. "You want it."

I felt the knife on my neck again and his face in my ear. Just then I heard the unmistakable sound of Darry's truck through my open window. I waited until I heard the door slam and gathered all the air I could to scream. He must have known, however, because I heard a whispered curse, felt him reach back, and before I could make a sound, a fist came from nowhere and hit me in the temple. Everything went black.

________________________________

**A/N: I know. Go ahead and hate me. I am braced for the reviews. I told you all along it was going to get complicated. I promise I will write a really nice Steve story soon. But, in this story, he just isn't nice.**

**Just FYI, some statistics:**

**15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.**

**29% are age 12-17.**

**7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused. **

**93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.**

**4 in 10 assaults take place at the victim's home.**

**In 1 in 3 sexual assaults, the perpetrator was intoxicated.**

**Statistics are from the RAINN website.**


	18. The Aftermath

**A/N: Well, that was obnoxious of me, to tell you to skip ahead if you didn't want to read the last chapter and then not post this one. Sorry about that.**

_________________

I woke up half naked under my covers. It was still dark, and silent. I felt pain, everywhere. I remembered what had happened, and I rolled over in bed, retching violently into the wastebasket Ben had left for me. I tried to sit up but hardly could. I felt dirty, bloody. I couldn't stay in that bed, where Steve had tried to… oh, God. Steve. Soda's best friend. Soda had lost Sandy, and Dally and Johnny…Mom and Dad… I knew my brothers would kill Steve if they knew about this. If I told I would take away yet another person my brother loved. Steve had been so drunk… maybe he wouldn't even remember? Did he know what he did? Why had this even happened? I sobbed silently. What the hell was I going to do? I breathed in deep against the pain, reached down for my t-shirt, and pulled it on against the throbbing in my back and arms. Nobody can know the truth about this, I decided, as I fell across the gap between my bed and the spare. I crawled up onto the other bed, lay my head down on the pillow, breathed in against the pain, and cried myself back to sleep.

____________________________

"Scout?" Someone was calling me in my dream. But in my dream I couldn't open my mouth to answer.

"Scout?" Louder now. It was Ben talking to me in the dream, but he sounded more like Soda.

I heard the squeak of a hinge and then silence.

"What the hell? _Scout?_"

It wasn't a dream. It really was Soda, suddenly with his hands on me, shaking me awake. Instinctively I pushed him away and shrunk toward the wall.

Our eyes met. His were wide with disbelief.

"Oh my God, Scout. What happened to you? Who did this to you?"

Darry appeared behind him in the doorway and in a split second I saw his expression change from curiosity to pure horror.

"What the hell?" He ran to my bed and knelt next to Soda.

I could only imagine what I looked like.

"Soda, get some ice." I wondered which of my pains that was supposed to help. Darry reached out and tried to take my hand but I had tucked myself into a ball under the sheet at the corner of the bed and the wall. I remembered, then, Darry and Pony had come home. If they hadn't come home right then… I shuddered. Thank God they came home.

Darry was frantically looking around the room and back at me. The sheets on my usual bed were bloody, my body was bruised and bloody, and there was a wastebasket full of vomit on the floor. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking.

Darry looked at me with sheer violence in his eyes. "Who?" he demanded. "Who, Scout? What son of a bitch did this to you?"

I closed my eyes and buried my head, shaking my head no. Tears soaked the front of my shirt. Make this all go away, I begged. Please. Please just make this be a nightmare.

Darry put his hand on my chin and raised my head. I flinched at the touch, opened my eyes, and I saw sadness in his eyes. I was rocking back and forth, trying to will away the fear and pain. I closed my eyes again. This was easier in the dark.

"_Who in the hell did this to you, Scout?_" This was one of those times when he was yelling, but I knew he wasn't angry with me.

Pony appeared in the doorway just as Soda came in with just about every medical supply we had in the house.

"Holy shit." Pony's jaw dropped.

"_Scout! Answer me!_" Again, I knew Darry wasn't yelling because he was mad at me but I just couldn't seem to open my mouth to answer. My lips were swollen and cut, and my whole face felt bruised.

"I…don't know," I finally managed between tears.

"You don't _know_? For Christ's sake, Samantha, tell me! Who?"

It was shocking to hear him call me by my given name. Nobody in my family had called me Samantha since Mom died. Both Soda and Pony noticeably reacted. Then they both looked at me, which only made me cry harder.

"I don't know, Darry. I swear. I couldn't see him. It was dark. I don't know." I sobbed while trying to convince myself it was true. Every time I closed my eyes all I saw was Steve's face, felt his hands on me… I just rocked back and forth and pulled the covers tighter. Meanwhile Soda was setting up a veritable hospital on the other bed.

Darry was losing it. He stood up and slammed his fist into my wall, then sat down on the bed and reached out as though he wanted to comfort me. Remembering how I had flinched the last time he tried to touch me, he stood back up again and turned to my brothers, then to me.

"When? _When_, Scout?"

"Last night," I said, barely managing a whisper. "I went to bed and then… someone was in here."

"This happened _here_? In the house?" Darry frantically looked around and glared at the open window. I realized then that he had no idea yet about the extent of what had happened to me. He had been thinking that I just got jumped somewhere and came home hurt.

"Someone came in the window to beat you up? Jesus, Scout!" He spun around and stared at Soda.

"Soda, how the hell did this happen? You were supposed to be in charge here. I left you in charge! Where the hell were you? You didn't hear anything?" Darry was beside himself with anger now.

Soda looked like he had just been sentenced to death. His guilty conscience showed on his face.

"I … I went out with Steve and Two-Bit." Immediately he started bawling. "It's my fault. Darry, it's my fault. I left. I left her. I didn't even check on her when I got home. It's my fault!" Soda was inconsolable. "I'm sorry Scout. I'm so sorry."

"No!" I said. "No, Soda, you had nothing to do with this. It isn't your fault. Please don't cry, please, stop crying. You're scaring me even more." I turned to Darry. "Darry, _I_ told Soda to go out for his birthday. I went over to Ben's and I was home before Soda got home. I was fine when he got home. I heard him come in. Darry, please, it wasn't Soda's fault. Soda, come here." Soda came over to my bed, looking at me like he had actually been the one to hurt me.

"No, Soda," I said. "Stop. It's not your fault." I tried to hug him but as he tried to put his arms around me he touched the spot on my back where I had been thrown against the lightswitch. I yelped in pain.

Soda jumped back up. "What? Scout, I'm sorry!"

"Nothing, just, my back."

Darry lifted up the back of my shirt. "Jesus." Now he looked sick. It must have looked pretty bad.

"Who was it, Scout? Tell us." Ponyboy suddenly spoke up and I felt like if I had named a name he would have personally torn him to pieces. Pony was actually the calmest of all of us at the moment. I have to give him credit, he can be a rock sometimes in a stressful situation.

I looked up at him. "I swear, Pony, I don't know. I don't know. He came in the dark. Maybe he was already here when I came in. Maybe he was waiting." I hated lying to them. I hated all of this. I hated this situation even more than I hated Steve himself. And I really hated him.

"So help me, Scout, if you are covering for someone…" That was Darry.

"I'm not." I tried not to look him in the face as I lied outright. "Why would I, Darry? I'm not." The more I thought about it, I really _wasn't_ protecting Steve at all, I was actually protecting Soda from being hurt again. I would have thrown Steve to the wolves in a second if Soda hadn't been involved. I didn't want the be the one costing Soda his best friend. I remembered his drunken voice last night saying that Steve was all he had left. I didn't want to be the one to take that away. I shook my head to get the thought of Steve out of it.

Darry was looking at my bandaged shin. This was not an unfamiliar injury to anyone in our family, we all had scratches from that damned fence. Darry's gaze shifted to Ben's jacket on the floor and I actually watched him jump to a conclusion that was too terrible to allow.

"Scout, did Ben do this to you?" He was still staring at the jacket as he asked the question. His voice was calm but there was anger beneath, threatening to take over at any time.

"_No_. No, Darry. _No!_" I was horrified with him thinking it had been Ben. Darry turned to me and I continued.

"I was at his house earlier but I came home. He gave me his jacket because I was cold, and I cut myself on the fence. Ben wouldn't hurt me. Please Darry, don't even think it. Please. It wasn't Ben. I swear it. No."

My brothers looked at each other. Apparently they felt the evidence told otherwise. How can they even think that? I wondered. They _know_ Ben. But, then I remembered, they all know Steve, too.

"Ponyboy, go get Ben and bring him here."

"He didn't lay a hand on me Darry," I said, immediately remembering that we actually _had_ laid our hands on each other. It felt like that had been a different person, just last night, with Ben. His hand on my waist… I realized that Steve had changed things for me, that now the thought of anyone's hands on me or lips on my own made me feel sick. "He didn't do it."

Darry had begun gingerly touching my injuries and trying to clean up what he could with the supplies Soda had gathered. I was shocked by the amount of blood he was wiping off my face and neck. I winced again and again as he touched new cuts and bruises.

"Soda, could you get me some water?" I _was_ thirsty. I realized that, on top of everything else, I was hung over.

He jumped up right away. "I'll get it," he said. Darry asked him to boil some water too. "We gotta clean these cuts out," he said. "Or they're gonna get infected." I thought back to my infected leg and wished that thought away immediately.

"OK, Dar," he said as he left.

"Darry was looking at the cut the knife had made in my neck. I could tell that it had bled a lot, I could feel the blood dried up all the way down to my collar.

"He had a blade?" Darry asked, though he already knew.

I nodded.

"Jesus, Scout… what the hell did he want?" he asked. I was right. He thought this was just someone trying to scare us by beating me up, sending the Greasers a message. Getting back at one of our gang or one of the neighborhood gangs for something they did. Just payback. He hadn't made that reach yet. I considered playing along but I knew as soon as he saw the bruises on my thighs, he would figure it out. Nobody causes bruises on a girl there unless they are after something in particular.

I looked at him, tears still coming. "Me." I whispered.

"What?" he looked confused. I was crying and I reached out my hand to pull him in to me. I had no idea how he would react towards me after this news.

"He wanted _me_," I whispered in his ear. "He…"

"_What_, Scout?" he still didn't get it.

"He was trying to…make me… _Darry_." I couldn't say it, but I saw him notice the bite on my neck and he got it.

His reaction was immediate. He jumped up so fast that I fell backward and yelled out again with the pain of my back injury. It was excruciating to make any sudden movement.

"No!" Darry was crazed. "No, Scout. No. Please tell me you're kidding me. Please."

"He didn't , Darry," I said, crying softly. "He didn't. You came home and I tried to yell for you and he hit me. Then he must have left. But he didn't… do it."

Soda came sprinting back into the room, assuming I had revealed a name. "Who, Darry? Who was it?"

Darry was now sitting on my bed, looking at me on the spare. He looked like he was about to start crying and just kept shaking his head. "No."

"Darry, stop. It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. _Darry_!" I was yelling at him through tears. "Please, you guys have to stop acting like this! I'm already scared to death. Please stop."

"Jesus Christ," Darry looked a hundred years old. I wished more than anything in the world that this hadn't happened, but even more I wished Darry didn't have to know about it.

Soda was completely confused. "What, Darry? Who was it? Was it someone we know?"

If only you knew, I thought.

Soda looked at me questioningly. I figured I might as well fess up. Everyone would know eventually. I guess I preferred to tell them one at a time.

I hung my head. "I don't know who, I swear. But they were trying… it was…"

"He tried to rape her, Soda," Darry said. I hung my head. "He would have, if I hadn't o'come home."

Soda's expression of confusion crumbled before my eyes and turned to a combination of extreme concern and pure rage. I could see him weighing the two and deciding that at the moment extreme concern took precedence, at least until he had a target for his pure rage. He ran to the bed, sat down, and, remembering how he had accidentally hurt me last time, tenderly placed his hands on my shoulders. He looked at me and I saw him notice what he'd know had to be bite marks on my neck. He touched them carefully.

"Oh God, Scout." He pulled me to him. I wanted to pull away, but I reminded myself - This is Soda. You love him and he would never, ever hurt you. I realized that it was difficult to trust even my own brothers to touch me now – and felt that I might never be comfortable with anyone else's hands on me again. "I'm so sorry, baby. Oh God, Scout." I swallowed my fears and let Soda pull me close. "I'm so sorry. Scout, I'm so sorry. I should have been here."

I pushed him back so I could look at him. "Stop it, Soda. It wasn't your fault."

"It was. I went out and got so damned drunk I couldn't even hear what was happening to you. Did you call me? Did you? Did you yell for me?"

I was already lying so much I figured it wouldn't hurt to say no. But he had already figured my hesitation for a yes.

"Oh, God." Soda looked like he was in as much pain as I was.

"You came home _trashed?_" This was new information for Darry. He looked lividly toward Soda.

"Darry, this is _not_ Soda's fault," I intervened. "Soda couldn't have done anything anyway. The guy was way stronger than him." It was true, Steve was stronger than Soda, but that comment unintentionally seemed to make Soda feel bad for not being stronger, and Darry, the strongest, feel bad for not being home.

I couldn't believe what a mess this was, and somehow I just seemed to be making it worse. For Christ's sake, I was the one who got hurt, I was scared as hell and hurting all over, and now my brothers were fighting over it, to boot. All of a sudden I remembered the second part of what Two-Bit had told me about drinking, after the rodeo. "It just make things seem easier," he had said, "_except_ when shit like last night happens."

I guess I had hit on the exception on my first try.

Not even a minute later, things got even worse. Pony appeared with a very concerned looking Ben in the doorway.

"_Scout!_" he cried when he saw me, and started toward the bed. "Oh my God!" Darry headed him off and unnecessarily roughly pinned him against the wall. I clenched my eyes shut as I remembered Steve doing the same to me the night before.

"_Let him go Darry!_" I yelled, trying to get off the bed to help but underestimating the pain it would cause to my back and instead nearly falling to the floor had it not been for Soda catching me. He placed me back up on the bed. "Scout, relax, you're making it worse" Soda said, as he tried to settle me down.

"What _happened_ to her?" Ben yelled as Darry had him pinned. "Scout?" What happened? What happened to you?"

"Somebody attacked her and tried to rape her, and if it was you I swear to God I'll kill you!" Darry said in a surprisingly calm but thoroughly threatening voice.

Pony and Ben reacted simultaneously. "_What?_" they both yelled, as their color faded and their expressions turned to disgust.

"_Darry!_" I begged. "_Let him go!_"

Everyone was looking at me.

"Let him go, Darry. It wasn't Ben. Please, Darry. Please. He had nothing to do with it." Darry released his grip on him and he ran to the bed and grabbed my hand, taking stock of my injuries. "Oh my God", he said. "I should never have left you." He covered his mouth. "Oh God Scout, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't take it anymore. "_Stop it, all of you_!" I yelled. **"**_**Just Stop. Right Now.**__ Stop telling me how fucking sorry you all are! I can't take it_."

Everyone looked at me. I wasn't sure whether it was because I had yelled or because of my language- that was a curse word I didn't normally throw around in the company of my brothers.

"What are you talking about?" Soda asked.

"Stop blaming yourselves. This is _my_ fault. Mine. I'm a mess enough, I can't keep reassuring all of you. Please stop trying to blame yourselves. I don't need you all feeling sorry for yourselves for thinking you did something wrong, _You_ didn't do anything. This was my fault."

"No, Scout," Darry said. "This was absolutely _not_ your fault."

"Yes, it was. I was drinking last night, too, Darry. I was drunk."

"_What?_" Darry spoke the words, but Soda looked at me and I could tell he was just as shocked. Pony just looked like he was completely fascinated by all the drama going on, and seemed pretty pleased that none of it had to do with him. I remember thinking the night before that I didn't care if I got in trouble… never in a million years could I have imagined just how much trouble my drinking could have caused.

"I chose it. I chose it Darry. I wanted to try it, so I told Soda to go out with Two-Bit, and I went over and drank with Ben on his porch." Nobody seemed to notice that I had avoided mentioning Steve.

Darry and Soda both glared at Ben. "I'm so sorry." Ben hung his head. He continued… "She was determined to try it and I just didn't want her to go off and drink somewhere else. I figured if she was with me at least I could look out for her."

I was sickened to hear Ben having to defend himself against what I had wanted to do.

"Darry, stop looking at Ben like he did anything wrong. He did look out for me. And Ben, you have nothing to be sorry for. It was my idea and my fault. I drank too much and got sick and Ben brought me home and helped me to bed. He fixed up my leg that I cut on the fence and helped me brush my teeth and left that bucket there for me that I got sick in." I motioned.

"Gross." Pony said.

"Shut it, Pony," Darry said. " Take it out and don't come back in here."

"Why?" Pony asked.

"Do it. Because I said so." Darry meant business. Pony shrugged, unenthusiastically picked up the bucket and left the room. Minutes later I heard the toilet flush and the tub start running.

"Ben, I'm going to be very honest with you and give you every chance to come clean with me right now. I find it very peculiar that you are the only one who knew my sister was drunk in bed on the same night she claims that she was almost raped by a stranger." Darry's voice was stone cold, unwavering. "I promise you if you did this, and you lie to me right now I'll fucking kill you."

"Stop it Darry," I interrupted him. "Stop it right now. I am telling you, Ben did not do this. He even offered to stay with me and I told him to go. This is not your fault or Pony's fault for being gone. It isn't Soda's fault for going out when I told him to, especially since I already had a plan to drink at Ben's house. And it isn't Ben's fault, because I was the one who wanted to drink and he made sure to stay with me and make sure I was okay. This is my fault and nobody else's." I was sobbing at this point. "I was drunk and someone came in to hurt me and I couldn't even fight back because of it. I practically deserved it for being so stupid."

Everyone looked at me, speechless.

Ben exploded. "There is no way in hell that you deserved this Scout. I should have stayed here with you." He was pacing with what appeared to be rage.

Darry was more methodical in convincing me. He was staring down at me. "Scout, " he said, "Look at your wrists."

I looked at them. They were bruised, all the way around, from the base of my thumbs to the middle of my forearm.

"He held you down, didn't he?"

I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands, remembering. I felt Soda and Ben's hands on my shoulders. I nodded.

"Scout, you are tough enough for a girl, but there is no way you could fight off a strong guy, whether you had been drinking or not. You didn't deserve this. Whoever did this to you is sick. He had no business hurting you. You did nothing wrong."

Look at me, Scout," Darry insisted.

I looked up but was still crying so hard I could hardly even see him.

"This wasn't your fault. You hear me?"

"Yeah," I whispered. Ben had sat down on the bed and was wiping my tears with the sheet. Even that hurt a little, and I wondered what my face looked like. Finally, I said, quietly,

"I'm really sorry Darry. About the drinking."

He sighed. "We'll talk about that another time. For now, we need to take care of you, you're hurt. How did he hurt your back?" Darry barely touched it and I tensed in agony. He lifted my shirt again and I heard Ben. "Oh my God."

I turned and lay facedown on the bed. "The wall. He threw me up against the light switch. I heard it break."

"In here?"

"I think." I lied. I knew it had been the living room light switch. I figured I could make something else up. Soda walked over to the door.

"It's not broken," he said.

"Maybe it's the living room? He pushed me around a little."

Soda checked. "Nope."

With horror I realized it must have been my own ribs that I had heard cracking. I groaned.

"What?" Darry asked.

"It must have been my ribs cracking that I heard. That explains it. It hurt so much I couldn't even breathe when it happened. It still hurts like hell."

"Jesus…" Darry said.

"Do you want me to get my Mom?" Ben asked. It had been pretty handy at times to have an Emergency Room nurse in the neighborhood. "She'll know what to do."

I could see Darry hesitating. He hated to get outsiders involved in our family problems. But I was hurt, and if we could avoid another trip to the hospital, it would help financially and hopefully keep Social Services out of it, too. And we all trusted Ben's Mom.

"Would you mind?" Darry swallowed his pride.

"I'll be right back," Ben gave me a concerned look as he turned and went out the door.

Oh, how I cared for that boy, but I feared I might never want to kiss anyone again.

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**A/N: It's just not easy to know what the right thing to do is when you're twelve.**


	19. The Shower

Ben's mother shooed the boys out and sat down on the bed with me before she did any kind of nursing. She looked at me and I turned away, ashamed. She reached out and took my hand.

"Scout, honey, Ben told me what happened. He told me you think it's your fault."

"It is," I mumbled.

"It isn't, Scout. No woman asks for this." I looked up at her. Had she just called me a woman?

"We see people who look like you do right now at the hospital all the time. And believe me, it is never, ever their fault."

I hung my head. I just didn't know. I felt like I had somehow made a huge mistake but wasn't sure what it was, or which _one_ it was, there to be seemed so many to choose from.

"Can you tell what's wrong with my back?" I changed the subject.

"Can you take your shirt off for me, hon?" I painfully pulled my shirt over my head and faced the wall.

"That's quite a bruise you've got there, Scout." She didn't seem shocked the way everyone else had. I supposed she had seen worse in the ER. "How bad does it hurt?"

I was tempted to laugh. I really had no words to describe it. "Like hell ten times over." I said.

"Okay, well, can you lay down? It might hurt less that way. I'm going to have to touch you there to see what's going on, okay? I know it's gonna hurt, so you go ahead and yell if you want to."

I vowed to myself that I wouldn't. "Ready?" she asked.

"Go ahead," I answered into the pillow.

Her hands started at the top of my spine where it met my neck. Slowly she felt down along my backbone, past the base of my shoulder blades. I tensed as she reached the outside edge of the tender area.

"Just one minute more, Scout," she said. Quickly, for my benefit, I assumed, she put her hands on the most bruised and painful area, just under my right shoulder blade. Instinctively I clenched my legs up to my chest. She pressed down on the tender area and I held in a scream, instead making a sound half cry, half curse.

She pulled her hands away. "OK, baby. Sit up. Sit up, here." She pulled me toward her and hugged me gently, being careful not to touch that particular area, as I broke down on her shoulder. "It's OK, honey. I'm all done. You have some broken ribs, that's all."

I sobbed quietly onto her shoulder. Suddenly I realized my shirt was off and felt embarrassed. I pulled away and pulled up the sheets. She handed me my shirt.

She turned respectfully away as I put it on and then turned to face me again.

"Scout, this whole thing must have been very scary for you."

I didn't respond. I just let the tears keep running down my face. She continued.

"Now, I know your brothers would do anything in the world for you, but it's just not the same as having a woman around to talk to. I know you must just be missing your Mom so much right now."

I nodded, not able to look at her, the tears coming harder now.

"Scout, I know I could never take the place of your Mom. I wouldn't want to. But, if you ever need someone to talk to, about stuff you don't want to talk to your brothers about, I hope you know I'm always there for you."

"Thanks," I managed. I didn't really want to talk to anyone about what had happened, not then anyway.

"You and Ben have been friends so long I kind of feel like you're the daughter I never had anyway." I wondered how she would feel if she knew about how my feelings for Ben were changing, and that I had kissed him.

I wasn't sure what to say. So I changed the subject, again.

"So… broken ribs? How many?"

"At least two, maybe three. It doesn't really matter, because there isn't much you can do for broken ribs anyway. Just rest. You're not having trouble breathing, are you?"

"I was when it happened, but not as much now." There was _pain_ every time I breathed, but I wasn't like I _couldn't_ breathe.

She took out her stethascope and listened to my chest. "Sounds okay," she said. "You're lucky you didn't puncture a lung or anything. Is there anything else you want me to check out?"

"No… Nothing else hurts that much. Just cuts and bruises, I guess. Typical stuff."

Well, that was stupid, I thought… This was hardly typical.

She grabbed some of the medical tape Soda had brought in. "I can tape them up for you… that might help a little."

"Could I shower first?" I asked. I felt dirty, disgusting.

"Sure, hon. I'll just wait here for you."

I slowly made my way into the shower. I could hear Darry on the phone in the kitchen, sounding upset.

Once in the shower, I just stood under the water and cried. This was not the way things were supposed to happen. My first kiss was supposed to be just the first step in my loss of innocence; I wasn't supposed to have it all nearly taken from me in one night. Why? Why did this happen to me? I just kept asking myself, over and over, and couldn't come up with an answer. I looked down at my body and it didn't feel or look like my own. There were cuts and bruises that I didn't even remember having been inflicted on me. And bites. The thought of him biting me made me pull back the shower curtain and dry heave into the toilet. I was thankful there was nothing left in me.

That's how I felt, truly. There was nothing left in me. I felt like a shell of myself, like somebody had cracked me open and scooped out the inside.

I must have been in there for a long time, because, eventually, I felt the water turning cold and Darry was knocking at the door.

"Scout? Are you okay in there?"

No, I thought, I am most definitely not okay.

"Yeah, I'll be right out," I called, hoping my voice didn't sound too bad, after so much crying.

Mrs. Cummings was still sitting there on my bed, waiting. I noticed somebody had stripped the sheets off the other bed and thrown them in the wash.

I sat on the bed and lifted up my shirt so she could tape up my ribs. "Too tight?" she asked.

"No, I don't think so." It actually did feel a little better to have the breaks somewhat immobilized. She ripped the tape and pulled my shirt back down. There was a somewhat uncomfortable silence. I wondered why she wasn't just leaving.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, honey? I'm so sorry this happened, Scout. I really am."

"Thanks. I'm okay," I lied.

"Well, you remember what I said, okay?"

"I will." She got up to leave. "I'll see what I have back at the house for the pain, okay? I'll send Kevin over with it." She was known to stock a few items from the hospital for the use of the kids in the neighborhood, under her discretion.

"Thanks. Do you think you could send Ben back in?"

"I sure will. You get some rest, okay?"

"Thanks, Mrs. Cummings, really."

She smiled at me understandingly as she went out the door and closed it quietly behind her. I heard her talking quietly to my brothers and in a minute the door opened and Ben came in. He tried to smile at me but it looked forced, false. He saw me looking at him and gave up the act. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge.

"I can't believe this happened," he said.

"Me neither," I agreed.

"I feel bad that I left you. I'm kicking myself."

"Ben, you couldn't have known. You did everything right. You were a perfect gentleman. Turns out I needed the wastebasket."

He looked at me with pure concern.

"You really didn't see who it was?"

"No." It felt a million times worse lying to Ben than my brothers. I'm not sure why. Maybe because he was the one I had been kissing just the night before.

"We'll find out, Scout. We will. We'll make him pay. The thought of someone hurting you like that just makes me want to kill someone."

I had never heard Ben talk like that before. Ben was not really an "eye for an eye" sort of person. He'd been in a few fights, same as all the boys from our neighborhood, but he was never really the one who started them.

"What are you gonna do, Ben, really? Beat him up?"

"Not me. From the looks of what he did to you, I'm not tough enough. But we'll all teach him a lesson. Darry's already called Tim, asked him to have his guys listen around. I guess Tim's pretty upset – Darry mentioned that it could just as easy have been Angela instead of you."

Tim and Darry's relationship was strange. Even though Tim was way tougher than any of us, I think he respected Darry, for his strength as well as his brains. Angela was Tim's younger sister. I think she was sixteen or something, and any comparison between her and me was laughable. She was tougher than any of the guys in our gang, and about as innocent as a discount whore. But I guess older brothers always feel protective of their kid sisters, regardless.

"Seriously, Scout, you know I'm not a fighter, but I'd like to kill the guy that did this to you. I hope you got a pretty good piece of him, too."

This had not occurred to me. I wondered what Steve looked like. I had fought with everything I had - I hoped I had at least done a little damage. He must have left right after he hit me, I thought. At first, I thought it was strange that Darry hadn't dragged him over as well to find out what he knew, but then I remembered, nobody knew he had even been here but Soda, and I was sure he didn't remember. I didn't want to see him. Never again might be too soon, as far as I was concerned.

I felt a hand on mine and nearly jumped off the bed. I looked up to see Ben looking so hard at me that I felt like I could physically feel his gaze.

"Damn it, Scout, why would anyone want to hurt you? You're even scared of me touching you now. Jesus, just last night…"

"I made a mistake last night," I said.

Ben looked devastated. He turned away. I realized what he thought I had meant.

"No, Ben, I didn't mean that. Not about you. I meant... about the drinking. Maybe I could have fought back or got away if I hadn't been drinking. Look at me, Ben."

He turned. He looked truly miserable. "I just… I can't believe this happened to you, I mean, after…"

"I know, and, I mean, about kissing you- I meant that. I wanted that. That wasn't a mistake."

He looked skeptical. "I just wish I could go back to last night and do it over, and stay with you. Protect you." I knew Ben could never take Steve. Not alone, anyway. I did realize that Steve probably would have never even bothered with me had anyone else been around, though.

"Yeah, well I'd do it over without puking through the fence."

I actually got him to smile, a little.

"Can I hold your hand?" he asked. I must have looked at him funny.

"Before, I tried to hold your hand and you jumped," he said.

"I didn't mean to," I said. I offered my hand, and he took it. He looked me, scanning for any kind of reaction, as he lifted it to his lips and kissed it gently. He looked down at the bruises that encircled my wrist and looked up at me.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you, Scout," he said.

"I know." I lowered my eyes, stared at the bedspread. I wondered if all I would ever hear from the people I cared about from now on was "I'm sorry," even when they hadn't done anything.

"Scout, I know this changes things…"

I couldn't answer. I wanted to feel his arms around me but feared it just as much. I squeezed my eyes shut. Ben… This is Ben. Not Steve. Not Steve. It's Ben.

I opened my eyes and looked at him and tentatively held out my arms.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said. "Your ribs?"

"I don't care," I said. I didn't. I wanted the comfort more than I feared the pain.

More gently than I can ever remember having been touched, Ben's arms encircled me. I don't think any of my brothers were even capable of being so gentle, they were too used to wrestling and tackling each other all the time. I put my head down on his shoulder and felt his breath in my ear. "I swear, Scout, whoever did this to you will pay for it." I shuddered and he pulled me a little closer, still managing to avoid touching my throbbing ribs. I picked up my head off his shoulder and looked him in the eye.

He spoke first. "I totally understand if you are scared of me now. Of anyone."

"I don't want to be," I whispered, trying to stop myself from crying again. I was afraid. Terrified. But the last thing I wanted was to let what had happened to me get in the way of what had just started happening with me and Ben.

He looked at me, searching for clarification. His hand reached up to my lips, tracing them with his finger. "You're so hurt." He said sadly.

"I don't want to be scared of you," I said, feeling the tears rising again despite myself. Somehow, again, he knew enough to be gentler than I could even imagine, and as his fingers rested on my own lips, his gently pressed against my forehead. There was no similarity to the forced kisses I had fought against the night before. A part of me still recoiled in fear from any touch but I forced it away, forced myself to make the distinction between Steve and Ben, what Steve had stolen from me and what I wanted to share with Ben. I would not let anyone take away the innocence, the softness of my first kiss. With what little fight I had left, I refused to push away Ben because of Steve.

I put my arms around him and he gently leaned me back onto the pillow. We landed softly, face to face on the bed. He looked at me and gently traced the bruises on my face with his finger, shaking his head.

Just then the bedroom door opened and Soda walked in. He didn't look surprised to see Ben lying on my bed with me – we had always done that, though I was guessing that nobody would be quite so comfortable with it anymore if they knew what had happened along with our drinking...

But, I suppose we all had bigger things to worry about at the moment.

___________________________

**A/N: Hey, if you break your ribs, don't tape them! Here in the 21****st**** century, we know that just limits your breathing capacity, and lets the fluid build up so you can get pneumonia and die! But don't worry, Scout is not gonna get pneumonia. I promise.  
**


	20. The Godfathers

**A/N: Bonus chapter tonight in honor of the full moon (at least it _looks_ full, and my day at work today implies that it _must_ be) for all you Tim-o-philes. Shepard has entered the building. Thanks for your awesome encouragement and support. I was petrified to go with this plotline, but everyone has been great.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that afternoon, Darry was at my door.

"Scout, you up?"

"Yeah," I said. I couldn't really sleep; I was mostly just lying there, entertaining myself with equal parts of boredom, pain, and fear. "What?"

"Tim's here, he wants to talk to you."

"_Who?_"

"Shepard. Tim. Can he come in?"

"I guess so." I was flabbergasted that he had come to see me. I knew that Darry had called him, asking him to keep his ears open about who had hurt me, but seriously, I had no idea why he would want to see me. But then I remembered how he had picked me up and taken me home when Darry and Soda forgot about me, and how cool he had been about the whole thing.

The door opened, and I saw Darry look at me like he had no idea what Tim would want with me either.

"It's okay, Darry," I said. He gave me a look that told me there was no question that he would be listening in on us.

Tim sauntered in. He was taller than I had ever noticed- maybe taller than Darry, even. I guess I had never greeted him lying down. He came over and sat on the side of my bed.

"Hey, kid," he said. "You look terrible. You wanna tell me who the fuck messed you up?" He was much like Dally in that way. No beating around the bush.

I just stared. I wasn't gonna be intimidated by him. My allegiance to Soda was stronger. I wasn't going to cost him his best friend at a time when he needed him so much.

"I know you got the shit scared out of you," he said.

I continued to stare. I believed that he _did_ know. I imagined he had been in some pretty hairy situations himself. I nodded. I refused to cry in front of Tim Shepard. I am sure no self-respecting greaser would cry in front of Tim, unless they were dying. Probably most people felt that way about Darry too, except our family.

"Why do you even care about this anyway, Tim? You hardly even know me." I really did want to know.

"Dally was a pretty great friend of mine," he said. "And I know he cared about your family a whole fucking lot."

I couldn't deny that.

"Well, if he knew about this, he would be out for blood. But he ain't here, so I'm here doin' it for him. I wanna personally fuck up whoever laid his hands on you."

"Well, if you find out who did it, you go right ahead." I immediately realized that I had just talked back like a wiseass to the toughest hood in town. Who did I think I was, anyway?

To my shock and great relief, Tim grinned.

"You must o' got something on him. What'd he sound like, smell like?"

"I can't tell you anything, Tim. I don't know. It was dark. He smelled like cigarettes and beer, just like every guy on this side of town on a Saturday night."

"You _can't _tell me anything else, or you _won't_? I'm sure he threatened you if you told, but that ain't gonna be a problem, kid, 'cause he's gonna be dead. I'm gonna fucking kill him. I don't take any pity on sick bastards that rape little kids, 'specially my friends' kid sisters."

"He didn't rape me," I said, softly, looking at the floor.

"You know he would have," he replied, almost as quietly as I had spoken. I did, too. I knew it.

I actually considered, for a moment, ratting out Steve to Tim. At that point in time I truly wished him dead. But I kept my mouth shut.

"I'm sorry, Tim. I don't know."

"Don't be sorry, kid. You ain't done nothin'. But that bastard's gonna be sorry he ever touched you."

"Well, I hope you figure it out, then." I did. I hoped somebody figured it out so I wouldn't have be the one to tell. I didn't plan to tell. Ever.

"Plan on it. Anything else me and my boys can do for you?"

That suggestion was pretty comical. My life problems, other than the current one, did not generally require the services of Tim Shepard or any of his gang. Out of respect though, and appreciation for the offer, I did not laugh.

"I can't really think of anything."

"Well, you let me know, kid. You still got that phone number?"

"Yeah." I was sure I did, somewhere.

"Well, don't be afraid to use it. I'm gonna have your back, just like Dally woulda done."

"Thanks, Tim."

"No problem. You want the door shut?"

"Yeah, please."

"Seeya, kid. Heal up."

"Bye, Tim." For some reason I kept finding myself kind of liking Tim Shepard. Though his reputation stated that he was way tougher than Dallas had been, he didn't scare me nearly as much as Dally had sometimes. While Dally was fiery and easily incited, Tim burned with a quiet rage, and he had a sense of calm invincibility. I had never really seen him explode. In fact, I had never even seen him yell. He was just...smooth. Cool. I couldn't explain why, but for some reason I trusted him. Thinking about this kept me busy for quite a while, as I heard Tim and my brothers talking in the living room. Eventually, I heard them say their goodbyes, and I decided to attempt to go out there.

I gingerly sat up and stepped onto the floor. I hurt so much more as time went on. I tried to walk without using any of the muscles in my upper body, which hurt like hell. Pretty much every muscle in my body hurt, actually. This was more difficult than I had anticipated. I felt along the bed and wall, finally reaching the door. I opened it and the minute they heard me, Darry and Soda jumped up. Pony was fascinated with something on TV and didn't even turn his head.

"Shouldn't you be lying down?" Soda asked.

"I don't want to be in there alone," I said. "Can't I just rest out here? I want company." Nobody said anything about the fact that I was scared to be in my room alone, though I'm sure they all knew what was going on.

"Yeah, come on over here," Darry said, motioning to the spot next to him on the sofa. I scuffed over and sat, then turned and lay down, with my head on his lap. He looked down at me.

"How you feelin'?"

"Don't ask," I said. "Let's just pretend this never happened, for now, okay? I just don't wanna talk about it anymore."

"Okay," Darry agreed. The others signaled agreement with their silence.

We sat quietly for a while. Finally I said," I used to think Tim was just like Dally. But now it seems to me like they're pretty different, aren't they?"

"I guess so…" Darry seemed to be thinking about it.

"Yeah, what's with him comin' over to visit you anyway? He hardly even knows you." Pony sounded almost annoyed.

"I don't know. Darry was the one who called him to tell him about this. He just wants to help. 'Cause Dally isn't around to."

"Dallas would have killed whoever did this to you." Soda stated the obvious.

"Yeah, well I'm not so sure Tim won't," I said, "but still, he's not as much like Dally as I thought he was.

We all were quiet, and I know we were all thinking about Dallas, who he had been.

.

Our silence was broken by Two-Bit, whose footsteps came bounding up to the porch. He burst through the door.

"Hey, what are y'all doin' sittin' around on a…whoa," he stopped when he saw me.

"What the hell happened here?" he asked, coming over to the couch. I was still laying on Darry.

"Scout had a little trouble while you all took Soda out drinking last night," Darry said.

"Darry," I said. "Stop it. We're not doing that anymore. It's not anyone's fault."

"What isn't?" Two-Bit asked. "What happened?"

"Nothing," I said, "forget it."

"It ain't nothing," Soda said. "Scout got attacked."

"You kidding me? Where?"

"In her bedroom," Soda said. "Asshole came in her window when she was sleepin'."

"Did he…? I mean, he didn't…" Two-Bit looked sick.

"No," Darry said. "but he tried."

Two-Bit turned stony-faced. "Who? Who was it?" he looked at me.

"I don't know, Two-Bit. I couldn't see. It was dark."

"Well, I'm gonna find out, then."

"It's over, Two-Bit," I said. "You can't fix it. It already happened."

Two-Bit thought about what I said. "What can I do, then?" he asked.

"I don't know." I said. I didn't. "Don't treat me like I'm somebody different just because of what happened."

I hadn't even realized that was something that was bothering me until I said it. I just wanted everybody to go back to the way they treated me before this happened: no pity, no guilt.

He thought about it but didn't answer.

"Hey, Soda, I gotta show you somethin', outside. C'mere?" That meant he wanted to talk to him without me around, I knew. Sometimes they all act like I'm just plain dumb. Soda followed him outside and Pony went with them. I'm sure Darry would have gone, too, if I hadn't been lying on his lap.

I painfully sat up and turned to him.

"Go ahead. I know you want to know what they're talking about." But he didn't have to, because they came right back in. Soda came over to me and sat next to me on the couch.

"Scout, do you think it coulda been one of those guys from Jay's yesterday? The guys who came to the house?"

"You saw those guys again?" Darry asked. Soda told him about me spotting them the day before.

"I don't know," I lied. I was torn between wanting to encourage them to think it had been one of those guys, and realizing how unfair it would be of me to send them out after them when I knew full well they hadn't done anything. "Maybe," I added.

"We're goin' to see about those guys," Two-Bit said.

"What if it wasn't them?" I asked. "Look, don't do anything stupid, okay? You guys? I mean it. It could have been somebody else." I didn't know what to do. If I was sticking to my story about not knowing who it was, I couldn't discourage them from going after them; on the other hand, if anyone got hurt fighting with guys who didn't do anything wrong in the first place, I'd feel terrible.

"We just wanna talk to them, Scout," Soda said. Right. I had heard that from all of them before and seen any number of them come back battered and bruised after their "talk."

Please don't let them find them, I hoped, as they left. That was the best solution I could think of at the moment.

Somehow, I got lucky, because in an hour they were back, safe and sound and reporting that those guys had been nowhere to be found.

That night Darry sat with me on my bed. Somebody had washed my sheets and cleaned up the room, and there was no visible evidence of what had happened the night before. Though my brain was replaying, over and over again, just about all the evidence I could handle.

"Scout, you understand why we didn't call the cops about what happened to you, right?"

"Yeah." I did.

"It's just – since you don't have any information about who did it… and you know they would get Social Services involved."

"I _know,_ Darry," I said. We all lived in fear of Social Services. As hard as we were working to be sure we stayed together, all it would take was the decision of some stranger downtown to tear our family apart. They would make what had happened to me somehow look like it had been Darry's fault.

"Everybody has their ears open to find out who did this to you. We'll find out, baby. Somebody will talk." He took my hand and I could see him looking at my bruised wrists, thinking.

I didn't say anything. What could I say?

"Do you want anything? Aspirin or anything?"

"No, the pills Ben's Mom brought are working pretty good."

"I know you don't want to hear this anymore, but I'm really sorry this happened to you," he said. I realized that, in this situation, "I'm sorry about what happened" was equivalent to "I'm sorry for your loss" at a funeral- it was what people said when they really had no idea what to say that could possibly help, even the tiniest bit, but they cared enough to want to say _something_.

"I know." I imagined this was probably a parent's worst nightmare, their kid getting- or almost getting- raped; I guessed the horror of it had transferred to Darry, since he was the closest to a parent I had, now.

Hey, Darry?"

"Yeah?"

I hesitated to ask, but it felt like maybe if I offered him something he could do to help a little, it might make him feel better.

"Would you mind staying in here, just 'til I fall asleep?"

"'Course not," he said. "Just like the old days, huh?" One of my parents or Darry used to stay with me every night when I was little, rubbing my back until I fell asleep, until I was seven or so.

"I wish it was," I said. "Everything was a lot simpler then."

"You're sure right about that. I'm just gonna go wash up and I'll be in, okay?"

"Okay." Darry left and returned in a few minutes with a book. "You mind if I read?" he asked, and pulled the chair from the corner of my room next to the bed.

"Uh-uh," I said. I was getting really sleepy from the pills. I didn't care if the light was on, I could hardly open my eyes anyway.

"You sleep tight, 'kay?" Darry was rubbing my head. I guess he knew touching my back wouldn't be a good idea. He just pressed his hand softly into my temple, smoothing my hair back behind my ears. It felt good, and I imagined myself as a little kid again, Mom singing softly to me as she soothed me to sleep. It didn't take long for me to sleep.


	21. The Hurting

The next morning I awoke to find Darry asleep in the chair, and the house startlingly quiet for a weekday. I had no idea what time it was.

"Darry?" I reached over and shook him. His eyes shot open.

"I think we overslept," I said. He looked at his watch and jumped up.

"What time is it?" I moved to get out of bed, forgetting that my midsection was broken. It didn't take long to remember, as my whole body tightened to steel itself against the pain. I cried out and nearly fell over.

Darry caught me before I fell off the bed and eased me back down. "Seven-thirty. You're not going anywhere, though. You got the day off."

I briefly wanted to argue, but there was clearly no way that I could go to school. I could hardly even move.

"I gotta go wake up Pony and Soda. I'll be right back with your pill."

I looked forward to that. I think I hurt even more then than I had the previous morning. Darry headed out the door, and I heard him burst into Soda and Pony's room. "Get up, boys. We overslept. You're late. You got 20 minutes." I heard a protest from one of them- probably Pony, he was not a morning person. Soda usually got up without too much complaining.

Darry came back in a few seconds later with a glass of water and the bottle Mrs. Cummings had sent over with Kevin.

"I must have seemed pretty eager, because, as he handed the pill to me he asked:

"Hurts pretty bad today, huh?"

I swallowed the pill and nodded.

"Well, this should help. I don't want to give you more than one unless you really need it, though, alright? These things are pretty serious medicine."

I knew that. In fact, Mrs Cummings kept her hospital medications locked up, because she was worried about the neighborhood kids (and her own kids, too, probably) getting their hands on them.

"I'll bring you in some breakfast, OK?"

"Don't worry about it, Darry. Go get ready. I can get something later."

"I'm taking the day off. I'm not gonna leave you here alone."

"You don't have to do that, Darry. What kind of trouble do you think I'm gonna get into? I can't even move."

"I know. That's why I'm staying."

There was really no point in arguing with Darry once he had made up his mind, so I didn't. I really didn't want to be home alone, anyway. I closed my eyes and tried to let the pain medication sink in. I heard the front door slam and Two-Bit's voice. He was there to pick up Pony for school. I heard him talking to Soda in the hall, and he finally appeared in the doorway.

"Hey Scoot," he said, coming over to the bed. "You doin' okay?"

I just shrugged. For some reason I just didn't feel like lying about it.

"Been better, huh?" he asked, knowingly.

I just nodded.

"We'll find him, Scout," he said, with no note of his usual silliness.

I started to cry again, not even knowing why. I was shocked when he put his arm around me. "You'll be okay," he whispered in my ear.

"Let's go, Mathews, or you're all gonna be late." Darry stood in the doorway.

Two-Bit just got up silently, rubbed my hair, and walked out. I forget sometimes that he has a little sister, too, younger than me. He gets it.

"You need anything?" Darry asked me. I shook my head.

"Call me if you do," he said. I nodded. He closed the door and I pulled my knees up toward my chest and tried to stop thinking. Finally, the pain medication kicked in and I found sleep again.

_______________________

I woke with a start, cursing my mind for, against my will, replaying and replaying the events that I was so desperately trying to forget. I was realizing that not even my sleep was impervious to the memories of what had happened. I worked to slow my breathing, glad that I hadn't actually cried out, since in the dream I had been screaming. I heard Darry in the kitchen and was about to call him in to ask if I could have another pain pill when I heard a female voice.

"So you're just going to _ignore_ it?" It was Alison, and she sounded angry.

"I'm not _ignoring _it," Darry said. "I've got everyone I know out there trying to find out who did it. Jesus, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. The whole thing makes me sick!"

"I'm not even talking about that, Darry," she shot back, "I mean, yeah, I hope you find the guy who did it, but what about Scout?"

"What _about_ her? I'm gonna take care of her. Believe me, nobody's gonna touch her again. There's no way."

"Don't you _get_ it, Darry? This isn't a small thing. What happened to her was a crime. She must be scared out of her mind. And she's hurt. She needs to talk to somebody about what happened, not just pretend like it didn't. How can you just leave the police and the hospitals out of it?"

"Look, Alison, you're right. Normally, I wouldn't. But our situation is not normal. We finally got things worked out with Social Services after the whole mess with Ponyboy- if I take Scout to the cops or a hospital over this, they're gonna be all over our case again. I'm not letting them take her and Pony, which is exactly what they will want to do. They'll make it look like I'm a bad guardian because of what happened. I've tried to talk to her about it, and she doesn't want to talk. We'll find out who did it, and it'll get taken care of."

"Oh, so vigilante justice? I thought you were above that, Darry." Her voice was a mixture of disappointment and accusation.

"I _am_, until somebody tries to rape my little sister!" He was almost yelling. Almost. "God, she's just a _kid_! Who does that?"

I slid off the bed and dragged myself over toward the door.

"Do you really even know he _didn't_? I mean, how do you really know that? You didn't take her to the hospital. What if he did rape her, and she's too afraid to tell you? She could get pregnant, Darry. You have to at least have her examined."

"He didn't." Both Darry and Alison spun around from where they sat at the table, surprised to hear my voice.

"Oh God, Scout," Alison said, softly. I guess she hadn't been prepared for what I looked like.

"He didn't rape me, Alison. Darry came home and scared him away. I don't need to go to the doctor. I'm not going to be pregnant." I knew that _that_ was, physically, impossible.

She looked sadly at me.

"I'm telling the truth. He didn't."

"Nobody's doubting you, Scout. She's just concerned." Darry still seemed pretty upset.

"Please don't fight about this, okay? I can't take any more of people fighting and blaming each other. Please." Damnit, I was gonna cry again. Really, though? I had even put Darry and Alison on the rocks because of what happened? How much worse was this gonna get? I was already past my limit.

"We're not fighting, Scout." Alison came over and pulled me up against her, gently. "It was just a discussion. I know Darry is going to do what's best for you. We just both want to make sure you're okay. He just wants to be a good brother and I want to be a good friend."

I wanted to tell Darry that he was a great brother, _the best_, but I couldn't say the words. I think he knew how I felt. I hope he did.

"He's right, Alison," I said. "It's better to just leave everybody out of it. They'll take me away." My voice cracked on the last word as I said it, and I looked at the floor. Darry got up from the table and came over, hugging both me and Alison.

"Nobody's going anywhere," he said.

He gave me another pill and set me up in front of the television, where I promptly fell back asleep, listening to Darry and Alison talking quietly in the kitchen.

I woke up again as Pony crashed through the front door. After making as much noise as humanly possible, as well as inciting Darry to scream at him to keep it down, he noticed me on the couch.

"Hi Pony," I said, catching him off-guard as he dropped his sack of books on the floor.

"Oh, hey… sorry. I didn't know you were there." He came over and sat down, lifting up my legs and sitting on the couch underneath them, laying them across his lap.

"How was school?" I asked.

"Average," he said. "Lots of people told me to tell you to get better, and that they're…"

"I know. Real sorry about what happened, right?" I was sure word had gotten around.

"Right," he said, and looked at me like he knew how tired I was of hearing it. We still fought a lot, but I did feel like we still understood each other better than we had before our time at the church.

"How are you doing?" he asked. Pony didn't ask that question very often, because, when he did ask it, he really wanted to know. He wasn't looking for the stock answers, like 'pretty good,' or 'okay, and you?' He really cared, when he asked. He really wanted an honest answer.

I truly didn't know how to answer. I was feeling so much. I hurt, still, so much. Inside and outside. I was scared, especially since I had started thinking that since Steve hadn't gotten what he wanted the first time, he might come back and try again. I was worried, about Social Services finding out, about Darry and Alison fighting, about somebody getting hurt going after a person they thought had hurt me but actually hadn't. I felt guilty, about lying and drinking and letting everything happen like it had.

And those were the main things. Then, underneath that, were all the other things: the schoolwork I would have to make up, how I would look when I had to go back to school all bruised, how Ben would feel about me after all of this…

It was too much. I shrugged and shook my head as, for what seemed like the millionth time, I felt tears rise in my throat.

Pony understood. I knew he did, just from how he looked at me and reached out his arm, reaching behind me and lifting me up to hug me. He didn't say anything, he just held me against him. It was exactly what I needed. Of everyone, I realized, Pony was the only one who had never said "I'm sorry." He and I both knew that what had happened had nothing to do with him. He didn't try to apologize or fix what had happened, he had the good sense to look forward and ask:

"What can I do, Scout? How can I make this better for you?" He whispered into my ear as he held me close.

"I don't know, Pony," I whispered back. "I wish I knew." I did wish I had known, because whatever it might have been, Pony would have done it for me- of that I was sure.

He sat and held me until Soda came in and Darry called us in for dinner. When finally he let me go, I almost felt like something had been amputated. But he took my hand and led me to the table.

"C'mon, Scout, you have to eat something," Soda said, looking at my full plate.

"I can't," I said. The pain medication, for which I was enormously thankful in terms of actual pain control, had the side effect of making me completely exhausted.

"Can I just go to bed?" I asked Darry.

I could see him thinking about it.

"Okay. But I'm gonna save this for you so we can heat it up later if you get hungry." He took my plate and put it on the counter, covering it with another plate, upside-down.

"Fine." I knew I would never want it. I just wanted to sleep, to escape. I stood up and walked into my room, falling into bed and immediately welcoming the sleep that came.

_______________________

I woke up to dark. It was silent, and I was in an absolute cold sweat, heart-racing panic. I was petrified to move.

He's going to come back, I know it, I thought. He's going to come back for what he wanted. I tried to listen for Darry's light snoring, for Pony and Soda shifting in their sleep, but I heard nothing. I'm not safe in here, I thought. My mind started in on me again, Steve's hands holding mine down above my head, his hands on me, the knife against me…

I can't stay here, I convinced myself, he knows I'm here.

I got up slowly, trying to be as stealthy as one can be with a couple of broken ribs, and padded silently down the hall, past Soda and Pony's room to my parents' bedroom. All of our rooms had locks, but the only keyhole that ever had a key was theirs. I opened their door silently, closed it behind me, and turned the key in the keyhole.

I didn't need any light. I knew exactly how many steps it was to the bed. So many nights I had been afraid- after a nightmare, or during a thunderstorm- and had come to lay between the familiar warmth of my parents in their bed.

"It's okay, baby," Dad would say, hearing me open the door. "Come on in, climb in with us." I would crawl into the bed, settling myself between the two of them, falling asleep to the comforting snore of my Dad, with my Mom's hands hugging me from behind.

Oh God, I needed them so much.

I climbed into the bed, which was still just as they had left it, awakening the dust that had settled there since they had gone. I pulled the covers up over me and curled up into a ball, imagining as hard as I could that they were there, yet knowing that they weren't, that they couldn't ever be. I rocked myself to sleep as I let the tears fall freely, soaking the pillow that still held the faint scent of my mother.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX  
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**A/N: If you are reading, please review. Be anonymous, I don't care. I need the confidence boost. It's hard to write this.**


	22. The Fear

He was there. I could feel him, his hands on me, his mouth smothering mine. Oh, God. It was happening again. No. Please, no. Not again. I screamed, pushing him off of me, kicking and clawing. Not again. I'll kill him first.

I awoke to the sound of something crashing, and was immediately surrounded by brothers, though at first I fought them off, throwing awkward, uncoordinated punches that sent searing pain through my back but did little or no harm to anyone else. I was sweating, crying, hyperventilating.

"It's okay. It's okay, Scout." It was Darry talking and holding me down, trying to calm me, but Soda and Pony were there, too, rubbing my head and back. I had forgotten where I was. I was confused, terrified.

"He was here!" I cried, frantic. How did he get in? I looked around. All the windows were closed. "He was _here_."

"It's okay." Pony held my hand. "It was a nightmare. Just like I have. You're okay, Scout. It wasn't real." If anybody knew how scared I was, I guessed maybe he did.

"It was real. He was…" I couldn't think straight. Could it have just _felt _that real, without actually happening? Logically, he couldn't have been there, but it sure as hell had felt real, maybe even more so than the first time.

"Nobody's here, Scout," Soda said. "You're okay."

I just held on for dear life and tried to breathe normally again. I could feel Darry's heart beating almost as fast as my own, and both Soda and Pony were wide-eyed. I had obviously scared them almost as much as myself. Finally, I remembered; I was in my parents' room.

"What happened?" I managed to ask.

"You were screaming. We couldn't get in. You locked us out, Scout. I had to break the lock." Darry was still holding me tightly against him, and it was sort of hurting my ribs.

"Darry…" I said, "let go…" He loosened his grip immediately, but didn't actually let go, for which I was grateful.

Finally I calmed down enough that my heart didn't feel like it was going to explode out of my chest and my breathing had returned to almost normal.

"I just felt safer… in here," I said, trying to explain where they had found me. I guess nightmares don't really give a crap whether you have tried to lock them out or not, though.

Nobody said anything. I knew that they all understood. They all missed Mom and Dad every bit as much as I did.

"Sorry I woke you up," I said. I was. I knew they had school and work in the morning.

"You just scared us, that's all," Soda said. "We couldn't find you, at first." Right, they wouldn't have expected me to be in our parents' room.

"You two go back to bed," Darry said, wearily. I knew what he was probably thinking; now there were two of us having blood-curdling scream-inducing nightmares… he and Soda were in for it.

Pony and Soda both got back up and went to their room, but not without a squeeze of my shoulder and a "'Night Scout." Pony looked particularly concerned.

"'Night," I whispered.

Darry sat and stared at me. I felt stupid.

"I slept in here, too, when you and Pony were gone," he said.

I was surprised. I guess he'd known exactly why I had come into their room. We all needed them, at different times, for different reasons. I forgot sometimes, that Darry could be just as hurt or lonely or scared as the rest of us.

"I know I'm not them, Scout," he said, "but is there anything I can do that they would have? I mean, I don't know what you need. What do you need, baby?"

"I don't know," I said. I was exhausted again. The nightmare had taken so much out of me. It had exerted me, mentally and physically.

"Want me to stay in here, with you?" he asked.

I had assumed he'd make me go back to my own room.

"Yeah," I said. "I miss them. So much."

"Me too," he said. "I wish they were here for you now. Of course, if they were still here, this never would have happened."

"You don't know that." I didn't know either. "You're doing a good job, Darry," I added. "None of this stuff that's happened has been your fault."

"Right."

"I mean it. Really. None of this is your fault."

"Well, I wish I knew who's fault it was, so I could make sure it never happens again."

"Me too." I meant, I wished that he knew, too. But nobody did. I wasn't even entirely sure if Steve knew. Something about him that night had just been so… inhuman, like he wasn't aware of what he was even doing. He hadn't come around on Sunday, which wasn't all that strange- he still had to work on Sunday whether he'd been out drinking the night before or not, so after he worked his shift he often just headed home and went to bed, or so Soda told me. Soda had worked with him and hadn't said anything about him being messed up or anything.

I knew, sooner or later, I would have to face him. The thought of that gave me a chill down to my very core. I was afraid to even hear his voice again, much less see his face.

Darry must have felt me shiver, because he lay me back gently and leaned his head on his elbow, looking over at me.

"He won't hurt you again, Scout. I promise. You're safe here. We're not going to let anything happen."

I really, _really_ wanted that to be true. But I wasn't so sure how safe I would ever really feel when I knew that my attacker was a welcome guest in our house. My own house didn't even feel safe to me anymore. I couldn't really think of anyplace that felt safe, actually. Even with Darry lying in bed next to me, I was still scared. I could feel the fear, eating away at me from the inside. As he drifted off and I heard his light snoring, I struggled to give in to sleep. I had hoped that slumber would be a safe haven, the one place where I might find some solace, but, twice now, my dreams had betrayed me.

I lay awake until the sun peeked through the curtains and Soda came in to wake up Darry. He opened the door and saw me, lying awake.

"You're up early," he said. I didn't let on that I hadn't slept.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Seven." Darry stirred next to me and eventually sat up.

"It's seven?" he asked. "Why'd you let me sleep so late?" Darry was usually up by six.

"It's okay, Darry. Me and Pony got breakfast."

I was glad that they let him sleep, since I was the one who had awakened everybody in the first place. I knew the stress of all this was taking it's toll on Darry as well.

"You sleep okay?" he asked me. I just nodded. There was no point in telling him I spent the whole night praying to be able to stop thinking about what had happened and to stop worrying that it would happen again.

Soda turned and left, calling over his shoulder. "Eggs'll be ready in five."

Darry stood up and turned to me.

"I can't take another day off, Scout. I have to go in today." He sounded guilty.

"You don't have to stay with me, Darry. I'm fine." I'm not sure who I was lying to more when I said that, him or me.

"Alison's gonna come stay with you until Soda gets home," he said.

I hadn't been expecting that.

"What, did Two-Bit have something better to do?" He was usually more than happy to skip, with or without a good reason.

"I didn't ask him," he said. "Ali offered." I guessed that at least that meant that their fight over what to do about me hadn't had any lasting effects.

"Is that okay?" Darry didn't know how to interpret my silence.

"I guess so," I said. "I just feel bad that she has to come babysit me."

"It's not like that. She wants to. She cares about you."

"She cares about you, too, Darry," I said, softly. He smiled a little bit reached down to pull me up.

"C'mon, you gotta eat."

I choked down a few bites of breakfast, just to placate Darry, and went immediately back to bed. The struggling I had done after my nightmare had only made me more sore. I welcomed the pill when Darry gave it to me, and I must have fallen asleep within a few minutes. For some reason, sleep was not as frightening in the light of day- I knew that if anything happened, at least I wouldn't wake up to darkness.

I woke up and heard noise in the kitchen. Looking at my clock, I was surprised to see that it was two o'clock. I got up and wandered into the hallway, stopping in the kitchen doorway.

I watched Alison putting together some ingredients for what I guessed must be dinner. She was the first woman since my mom, besides me, to be busying herself in our kitchen. As she turned to go to the refrigerator, she noticed me standing there.

"Oh, hey," she said. "You scared me."

I didn't answer. Fear had taken on a whole new dimension for me.

"What are you making?" I asked.

"Lasagna," she said. Right. Of course she could cook; her family owns a restaurant.

I just sat at the table and watched. She looked at me and after a minute she put down her dishtowel and spoon and sat down across from me.

"How are you doing, Scout? I mean, really."

I didn't answer. I didn't see the point of everyone asking me. There was nothing they could do. There was nothing anyone could do. What difference did it make if I was doing great or terrible? I couldn't even figure out which answer it was that people were hoping for.

"If you want to talk, I mean, if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you, okay? Anytime." She sounded sincere enough.

"Thanks," I said, staring at the floor. I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to forget it, erase it completely. But it wouldn't stop haunting me. I didn't really know what to say, so I just got a glass of water and went back to my bed.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, until I heard Soda come home. He was yelling as he came through the door and I froze as I heard Steve answer.

Oh God. I could feel my heart rate quicken, and I felt sick. I couldn't imagine that such a visceral reaction was possible, just to a voice. I was paralyzed. I heard Soda coming to my door and opening it, slowly. I closed my eyes and tried to drown out the pounding of my heart.

"I guess she's sleeping," he said. Steve muttered something in the background. Soda brought him here to see me, I realized in horror. To see what he did to me.

Oh God, please don't let him come in here. Please, Soda, get him away. Please. I hoped my shaking wasn't obvious. Finally I heard him close the door, and I slowly opened my eyes, hoping that Steve would be nowhere in my field of vision, but they were both gone.

I could still feel my heart racing. I heard the door slam and then Soda talking with Alison in the kitchen. After taking a few minutes to calm down, I got up again and went out to the kitchen. Soda came over to me and pulled me up against him and I wanted to cry, knowing that he didn't know, wishing he could keep both his friend and his sister. But I felt, already, like I was disappearing, that I wasn't the person that I had been before. I wanted my old self back, the Scout that wasn't afraid to sleep, to be touched, to do _anything_.

"Hey," he said, and I realized how tightly I had been squeezing him. "Ease up, kiddo, you're gonna hurt yourself." I looked up into the face of my brother who I loved so much, who, I realized, I was sacrificing myself to protect.

"I love you, Soda," I whispered into his chest, too quietly for him to hear.

Darry arrived home shortly afterward, and we ate dinner together. I was glad that Alison stayed- her being there took some of the pressure off of me to have to say anything. I mostly sat silently, listening to Soda talk about work and Darry and Alison throw around pointless banter about the restaurant and his job. At one point I looked over and saw Pony looking at me, studying me. I looked away and he squeezed my knee under the table. Of everyone, I had a feeling Pony might have the best ability to understand what I was feeling. I don't know why, really- maybe it's just because he thinks so much and feels things so strongly. But without that look and squeeze, I'm not sure I could have sat through dinner.

I went back to my room immediately afterward and pretended to be asleep whenever anyone came in. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to sleep, or be awake either. I had no idea what I wanted.

Eventually the house quieted down and all was dark and silent. The fear that had been quelled by the daylight rose up again, threatening to overtake me. Finally I took my pillow and crept silently into the kitchen, where I lay down on the floor outside Darry's door, waiting for daylight to come.

**A/N: Thanks for all the support. I continue to hope I am doing justice to such a terrible situation by writing it respectfully.**


	23. The Suspension

I sat there all night, closing my eyes a few times but never able to relax my mind enough to fall asleep. Every sound was a potential threat. Was that the door? Footsteps? I took some comfort in Darry's light snore threading it's way under the door, but wondered, if I screamed with someone's hand over my mouth, even right outside his door, whether he would be able to hear me.

You're overreacting, I tried again and again to convince myself. Yet my body involuntarily reacted to every noise, causing my heart to race and my senses to sharpen. I could feel the tension in every muscle in my body.

I'm going crazy, I realized. I had never, ever, been afraid of the dark. God, just a few months ago I had left the church for home, alone, in the dark of night, without a second thought. Now I was reduced to sleeping on the floor outside my big brother's door? I hated myself for being so pathetic.

Once the sun came up I went back into my own bed and balled myself up against the wall, where, finally, my eyes became heavy and I felt myself slipping away.

"Scout?" It was Ponyboy.

"Scout?" I heard his footsteps coming toward the bed. The last thing I wanted was for him to jump on me, so I answered, letting him know I was awake, without moving.

"What?"

"Darry wanted me to ask you if you think you're ready to go back to school today."

Was he kidding? Had he seen what I looked like? There was no way I was going back to school looking like some cheap girl whose boyfriend beat her up.

"No," I said.

He sat on the bed.

"Why?" I started to think that maybe I had overestimated the compassion of my family for what I was going through. Either that, or my public façade showed only a tiny fraction of what was going on on the inside. I was falling apart. The last thing I needed was a classroom full of kids staring at me and whispering.

"I'm not ready. I still need the pills." I was lying, outright. My ribs were feeling much better, and a few aspirin would have probably done the trick. It was everything else that hurt. My heart. My confidence. My self-worth. My brain, from all the thinking.

"Okay," he said, patting me on the thigh through the covers. "I'll have Ben get your work again." Ben had been getting my work for the past two days- I hadn't even opened a book. I didn't care.

I knew Darry would be in next, and he didn't disappoint me. I knew _he _wasn't going to jump on me so I didn't say anything when he called me.

"Scout?"

I ignored him and pretended to be asleep. This was becoming a valuable ally, feigned sleep.

"Scout?" he called, and, very gently, for Darry, he squeezed my shoulder.

I didn't answer but he wasn't fooled.

"C'mon, baby. I know you're awake."

"I can't go, Darry. Not yet. One more day, please? Can't you just tell them I'm really sick or something? I just need one more day. I'm still too sore."

I heard him thinking. I knew he would sigh, and he did.

"Nobody can stay with you today, until this afternoon."

"I'll be okay," I said. I hope, I thought.

"I don't know, Scout. I really don't want to leave you by yourself."

"Please, Darry?" I didn't usually beg him for anything.

"Okay," he said, "but you're gonna lock up the house and stay inside, and if anybody comes around here, you call Soda."

"I will."

He stood up. "This is the last pill I'm giving you, okay?" Mrs. Cummings said you shouldn't need them anymore.

"Okay," I said, wondering how the hell I was ever gonna sleep after that.

He left, then came back in with a glass of orange juice and handed me a pill.

"You're going, tomorrow," he said. "You can't stay out any more, or Social Services will be all over it."

"Okay," I said, praying that one more day would be enough time for me to pull myself together.

Pony headed out for school with Two-Bit, who poked his head in for a quick hello, and Darry and Soda went off to work, Darry making me follow him to the door in order to lock it.

The silence of the house was strange. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I stood against the door, hearing Darry's truck pull away, already feeling the welcome sleep-inducing effects of the pain pill. Finally, I stepped away from the door and headed into my bedroom. I opened my top drawer and took out my Mom's ring, sliding it down over my thumb. Then I pulled out the necklace Dad had given me on my birthday, just before he died. I put it around my neck, struggling to secure the clasp with my sore wrists. Then I headed back down the hallway to my parents' bedroom. I crawled into the bed and, again, pulled up the covers.

................

I awoke to knocking at the front door and my blood froze. Darry had broken the bedroom door lock- I was thinking about whether or not to go hide in the closet when I heard a voice calling out to me.

"_Scout? Are you okay?_" It was Ben.

I took a moment to catch my breath before going to let him in.

I opened the door and felt what I recognized as a brief moment of happiness when I saw him smiling at me.

"Missed you today," he said. "Pony says you're coming back tomorrow?"

"I guess," I said, unenthusiastically.

"Are you still hurting?" he asked. "I mean, a real lot?"

"Look at me, Ben," I said. "Everybody is gonna be talking about me."

"No they won't," he said. "Everybody who cares about you knows what happened."

I wasn't convinced.

Ben led me over to the couch and sat down next to me.

"Look, Scout, anybody who says anything to you is just an asshole. Don't let them get to you."

If only it were that easy, I thought. I was even getting to _myself_.

Ben turned my head toward his, and made sure I knew that he was going to put his arm around me. He waited until my eyes gave him permission, then pulled me toward him.

I rested my head on his shoulder, while he stroked my hair.

"I'm scared," I said.

"I know," he said, "but you can't let him win. You give in to the fear, and he wins."

I knew he was right.

Just then, Pony came through the door and saw us on the couch, embracing.

"Everything okay?" he asked. As far as he knew, Ben and I were best friends, but not really affectionate, so much.

"Yeah," Ben said, standing up, "I'm just consoling Scout over all the homework she has to get done tonight." He stood up and took my books out of his bag, setting them on the table.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" he asked.

I nodded, and he headed out the door.

"You doin' okay?" Pony asked.

I shrugged.

"Get any of your homework done?" he asked.

I shook my head.

He grabbed my books and sat down next to me. He picked up a pencil, and I leaned against his shoulder while he started on my math.

When I woke up, Darry and Soda were just coming in the door. I was still leaning up against Pony, who was now reading a book. My schoolbooks were stacked neatly on the table.

"Hey y'all," Darry said. I saw him notice my books on the table. "You get some work done today?" Pony nudged me gently and I nodded.

"She did it all, Darry," Pony said. I'd have to thank him later.

I went through the motions that night, indulging Darry by taking a few bites of Alison's leftover lasagna, then showering and heading to bed. Again, I lay there, as the house quieted down, feeling the familiar fear rise in me like a fever.

When I was sure that everyone had fallen asleep, I headed out to the kitchen and took up my post outside Darry's door, waiting for morning to come, bringing with it my inevitable return to school.

..............

Darry personally dropped Pony and I off at school the next morning with a stern warning to Pony that he was to keep an eye out for me, and a warning to me that I was not so much as to squirm in my seat if it hurt.

I got a fair number of stares from the other kids – my bruises were healing, but a few had reached that stage in the healing where they looked even worse than they had been to begin with. Most of the people I knew already knew about what had happened- Darry calling Tim had sent the word out that someone had hurt me, and mostly I got a lot of sympathy, even from the toughest hoods on our side of town, who all vowed revenge.

I heard some snickers from a few of the Socs as I walked by, and noticed some pointing of fingers in my direction, but I tried to just ignore it as best I could. Ben tried his best to walk me to each of my classes, which was tricky, since, being in different grades, our schedules were pretty dissimilar. We actually did have a study hall together just before lunc,h and we sat together while I spelled words for him as he worked on a history essay.

A bunch of Soc wiseasses was sitting together nearby talking about some party their high school siblings had gone to over the weekend. We were pretty much ignoring them until one of them for some reason started in on me.

"Hey, Curtis… looks like you had yourself quite a time last weekend, too, huh?"

Ben turned to face them. "Shut your traps," he said. "Anything Scout did last weekend is none of your business."

"Just forget it, Ben." I didn't need him starting anything.

"Well, looks like your boyfriend Benjamin here couldn't protect you so much last time, huh Curtis?" they smirked. "Or maybe he's the one that messed you up? You like it rough, huh Scout?"

Ben stood up and walked over to their ringleader. I recognized him from my French class. Scott something.

"Ben, don't." I said, but with my ribs still taped up I was pretty powerless to do anything to stop him.

"Leave it to a bunch of low-life Socials to pick on a girl half their size, but twice their intelligence" he said.

"Who you callin' lowlifes? We don't let our girls get smacked around like your kind do. We don't just let 'em go spreadin their legs for any old trash."

That was it for Ben. He leaped across the desks and had the kid on the ground in seconds. I noticed his Soc sidekicks didn't make a move to help him out- they just yelled encouragement from the sidelines. Meanwhile, I ignored Darry's warning to take it easy, and tried my best to pull Ben off the kid before anyone showed up from the administration. The study hall monitor, a meek-looking general chemistry teacher, had already called down to the office, and within seconds the Assistant Principal, Mr. Benedict, was at the doorway.

"All right, Mr. Cummings, Mr. Stansfield. That will be enough." Mr. Benedict was a big guy, and with little difficulty he pulled the two apart and had them each by the collar. Clearly Ben had had the upper hand – Stansfield was bleeding from the nose and had a fat lip, and Ben looked no worse for the wear. I looked on sadly as he was dragged from the room.

The rest of the Socs just looked at me and laughed. Without a word I grabbed my and Ben's books and walked painfully out of the room. Darry would kill me if he found out I had gotten involved in a fight. For lack of a better option, I went to Two-Bit's car and sat in the backseat. The junior high and high school are in separate buildings, but news travels fast, especially about a fight. Only about ten minutes later, Two-Bit was climbing into the back seat next to me.

"You okay, Scooter?" He put a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah," I said, quietly. "Ben's gonna get suspended though."

"Good for him. We're not puttin' up with anybody talkin' to you like that." Apparently he had even already heard about the content of the conversation.

"I'm just sick of everybody getting caught up in this." I was. I just wanted it to go away. Instead, it just kept snowballing, getting bigger and bigger.

Ponyboy came trotting over and jumped into the car. "You okay, Scout?"

"I guess so." I said, staring at the floor. Just as I said that, Kevin came around the back of the car to the side window. "Hey boys," he greeted Pony and Two-Bit, then directed his gaze at me. "You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Ben?"

"He's fine." Kevin looked kinda proud. "Gonna get a few days' vacation, though, I imagine. Our mom has to come get him."

I heard voices approaching and looked past Kevin to see Sweeney and Jakes approaching the car. They exchanged greetings with Kevin and one of them, I think it was Sweeney, stuck his head in the window.

"You okay, little Curtis?" I wondered if that's what all the older greasers called me. I had thought it was just Tim.

"I'm alright," I said.

"You don't have to put up with any of that shit from them. We're gonna take care of that little brat's big brother."

Oh, great. I had forgotten Scott had an older brother. "Don't bother," I said. "It's not a big deal."

"Oh, it is," he asserted. "We're gonna handle it though."

I just sat there. Pony opened his door and crawled out. He lit a cigarette and leaned on the car. He started talking with the guys about something completely unrelated to the fight. I just sunk lower in the seat. I didn't want to go back to class, which reminded me,

"Shouldn't you guys be in class?" I asked.

"That's overrated," Two-Bit answered.

"It's my lunch," Pony said.

"Yes." Sweeney and Jakes answered in unison. Kevin laughed.

I knew I had to go back. After missing three straight days, Darry would be none too pleased with me if I decided to skip an entire afternoon of classes.

"I guess I better go back," I said. I opened the car door and stepped out.

Two-Bit looked at me. "I'll walk you," he said. "Where you going?"

"History," I said.

"Awwww, Mrs. Barrett! She loves me." Despite Two-Bit's's lackluster academics, his teachers did, for the most part, love him. He linked his arm in mine.

"Keith," she greeted him as he arrived with me at the door of my history classroom, "to what do I owe this pleasure? I thought we sent you over to the high school quite a few years back."

"Just escorting my friend Scout here to class, Mrs. Barrett."

"Well, that is lovely, Mr. Mathews, but I presume that you might be expected somewhere across campus at this time?" she suggested.

"Probably," he answered.

"Then I suspect you had better get going."

"Yes, ma'am. Nice to see you again, Mrs. Barrett. Bye Scout," he said, tapping me lightly on the back. I flinched. I was already regretting my decision to get involved in Ben's squabble. I don't know how Darry used to be able to still play football with healing broken ribs. I could still hardly even walk right.

I finished the day, sat through Pony's practice and was glad to see Soda outside right on time to pick me and Pony up. I climbed up into the car, wincing at the pain in my ribs. He looked at me, grinning like all get-out, and I knew he had heard.

"You started a fight? "Soda was excited. Anything involving a fight always got him all excited.

"Not really," I said, staring out the window. "Not on purpose."

"So did Ben mess him up good?" Soda had to ask. I had no idea how he even found out.

"I guess," I said. "Good enough to get suspended."

"What were they sayin' to you? Ben wouldn't tell me."

"You don't want to know," I said. "Did you tell Darry?"

"I didn't see him yet," Soda said. "He wasn't home. I saw Ben in the backyard and wondered why he wasn't at practice too. He said you jumped in?"

I hadn't mentioned that to Pony.

"I'm fine," I lied. "Don't tell Darry, okay, Soda? I mean, about me getting involved."

"I won't," he said. I wasn't so sure.

I figured if there was any chance for things to get more complicated, they would.

**.**

**A/N: Thanks reviewers. Love ya.**


	24. The Talk

When we got home, I went straight to my room and crawled into bed, burying myself under the covers and trying to get some sleep while some daylight still existed. I couldn't believe that now Ben was suspended, and Kevin and his friends were gonna go after that Soc's brother. I just felt like things were getting worse and worse, and couldn't really see any end in sight.

I crossed my arms against my chest and pulled my knees up. Darry always said that I reminded him of a cat when I slept like that. Along with being scared all the time, I had also started to feel perpetually cold. Not just chilly, but freezing. I noticed I was actually shivering even then, under the covers. I'm sure the thoughts I was thinking didn't help.

I couldn't avoid Steve forever. Granted, I had _always_ avoided him as best I could, and he never exactly went out of his way to be around me, either, but, inevitably, we were going to end up in the same place at the same time, and I was terribly afraid of how I was going to handle it. Just thinking about it, I felt my stomach clench and had to work at not getting sick.

He hated me. He _already_ had hated me, before any of this, that's what I was struggling to understand. I had always thought sex was something that had to do with love. I was no expert, but I certainly didn't think it was anything you'd ever want from someone you hated. I simply couldn't understand why anybody would take something that was supposed to be good and turn it into a tool for causing hurt and fear. Nothing had changed; he still hated me, which is why, at the back of my mind _all the time_ was the thought that he would try again, to get what he had been after the first time. In a way, I almost wished he _had_ raped me, that he _had _gotten what he wanted, because maybe then I wouldn't be so scared to death about him coming back for it.

I knew I should be doing homework, but I didn't feel capable of doing _anything_ other than lying under my covers, hiding. Finally, I must have fallen asleep, because I was awakened by a knock at the door. I didn't answer.

The door opened and Darry came in. I could tell it was him by the sound of his footsteps. He came over and sat on the bed, pulling the covers back gently off my head.

"Hey, baby," he said, pushing my hair out of my face.

I didn't answer him. I didn't move.

"How did school go?" he asked.

I was sure Soda had already told him.

"Cut it out, Darry. I know Soda told you." I spoke into my pillow.

"Soda's not here. He went out with Steve before I got home."

I felt myself tighten at the name. The _name_, only. Jesus Christ. Just _hearing his name_ is making my heart race? It's just a word. It's not like a word can hurt you. I was so angry at myself about how out of control this was getting. God, I had somehow found the strength to get through losing my parents, now I was letting this break me? I hated myself for how weak I was.

Darry sensed my distress but seemed to think it was about what happened at school.

"What happened, Scout?"

"Nothing, forget it," I answered, still not even looking up. He put his hand under my head and turned it around.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

"Ben got suspended. He got in a fight with a Soc 'cause he was talking about me."

"What'd he say?" Darry asked.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Look, Scout, you know that anybody who says anything to you about this is lower than dirt."

I didn't answer. I was sick of talking about it. For the millionth time since it happened, I wished it all away. I wanted window washers on my mind, to just sweep everything away to the side so it would disappear behind me into the wind, making everything look and feel clear and right again.

"C'mon, I made dinner," he said. "Pork and beans." He grabbed my hand to pull me up, then recoiled.

"Whoa, you're freezing," he said.

"I'm fine," I said, getting up, though the thought of eating made me feel sick.

I said nothing at dinner, lifting the fork to my mouth repeatedly, trying to get Darry to believe I was actually eating something. He and Ponyboy were discussing something to do with football and penalties, but I wasn't listening. More than once I caught Darry staring at me with a concerned look on his face, but I just quickly looked down at my plate.

"Scout, you have to start eating again."

"I'm not hungry, Darry. When I'm hungry, I'll eat."

"Well it'd better be soon, because I don't want you passing out or something from malnutrition, they'll think I'm not feeding you.

I picked up a forkful and shoved it into my mouth. Damned Social Services, the threat of them would guilt us into just about anything.

After dinner, I went immediately back into my room and crawled back into bed. Pony came in and took my books. I knew he was going to do my homework for me again. God knows, I wasn't gonna do it. If Darry had noticed that Pony was doing it, he hadn't said anything when he checked it. I think Pony had even made some careless mistakes, like I always did, on purpose, just to make it look legitimate.

Later that night, as I lay there, I heard Two-Bit come in. Soda had come in just after we had finished dinner, and I could hear him and Pony playing cards in the living room. I knew Two-Bit was going to tell Soda and Pony about what had been said to send Ben over the edge. That was only confirmed when I heard Soda say, angrily,

"I'm glad Ben was there, then. Scout doesn't have to listen to that kind of bullshit. I'll kill that little jerk myself."

"Yeah, well I think Sweeney and Jakes and Kevin are on it. They're none too pleased about it." Two-Bit always had all the latest gossip.

"Sweeney and Jakes? What do they care? They hardly even know Scout." Now Darry was getting involved. He had been in the kitchen. That was the last thing I needed. I didn't like where this was going. The only reason Sweeney and Jakes _would_ care is if Ben had told Kevin about our kissing, and now I was being seen as Cummings property, to be protected and defended.

"Yeah, well, they _are_ close with Kevin. And Ben _is _Kevin's brother…and you know, Ben and Scout are always _together_…" Two-Bit was talking like he had been put on the spot.

Great, thanks, Two-Bit, I thought, though I knew he couldn't help himself.

"Yeah, well, they didn't seem too concerned when Scout was missing… Why do they care all of a sudden?"

Two-Bit sounded defensive. "I don't know. I guess you have to ask Kevin, Darry. I'm just telling you what I heard."

"I think I will," he said. I heard the front door open and close. Crap.

I lay back on my bed and waited. I knew that Darry would be back. I just wasn't sure how much he would know.

It took less than an hour. I listened to the boys in the living room, talking about girls, cars- guy stuff. I heard the front door open and slam shut again.

"Where's Scout?" It was Darry, of course.

"In her room." Soda said. "Hey, Dar, can me and Pony go with Two-Bit down to the Dairy Queen?" I didn't have to see him to know that Darry was checking his watch.

"You be back by ten," he said. "I mean it, Two-Bit. They come back late, it's you who's in trouble."

"Aye-Aye Cap'n" Two-Bit is such a wiseass sometimes.

I waited for the knock. It wasn't long.

"Come in," I said. He opened the door and peeked in.

"Just come in," I said, sitting up. I had a feeling I knew where this conversation was going.

He came in and sat on the bed.

"So, you talked to Kevin?" I asked, staring at my feet.

"I did," he said. "And Ben."

"And?" I decided to let him start the conversation. It was destined to be awkward, regardless.

"And…" he said, "I wish Mom were here to have this conversation with you."

I was surprised. That was not at all what I had expected him to say. I had been preparing myself for a lecture.

"But she isn't," he added, "I'm what you're stuck with. So I'm gonna try it."

I suddenly realized that as hard as it was for me to not have a female role model, it was probably at least twice as hard to for Darry to try to be one for me. I realized that me holding back was only going to make things harder for both of us, so I decided to be as honest as I could, about Ben, anyway.

"Go ahead, Darry, ask me," I said. "I'll tell you what you want to know."

Darry looked surprised and like he wasn't sure what to ask first.

"So…you and Ben…it's more, now?"

Lying was just not worth it. Ben and Darry were both too important to me.

"We kissed."

Darry took a deep breath. I realized that I had just complicated his job as my guardian by admitting my best friend was more than a friend.

"Scout, was it because of… what happened to you?"

I realized that Darry was thinking that nearly getting raped had made me feel like anything was suddenly permissible, that, because I had been violated, no barriers existed. And maybe even that Ben had taken advantage of me feeling that way.

I was relieved to know that what he had been thinking had been far worse than the truth.

"No, it was before that. That night, when I was drinking at his house… I wanted to kiss him. I just… I like him, as… well, more than a friend." Darry appeared strangely relieved.

"So it was _your_ idea?" he asked.

"Yeah, I said. "I kissed him, then I was feeling sick from drinking. Nice, huh? I kissed him then I tripped on the fence trying to run home and threw up. He took me home and took care of me. He was good to me, Darry. He's good to me." I almost felt good for a moment, thinking about Ben. Darry did laugh at me throwing up after kissing him.

"You know that you might be complicating things for your friendship, right?" This was true big-brother advice. I did know it.

"I know."

He looked at me, clearly wanting to say something, but hesitating.

"Scout, what happened to you – you getting hurt – that doesn't count, you know that, right? I mean, that doesn't count, as your … first time doing anything, or even close. I mean… that's not how it really is, that stuff. Your first time comes only with your permission. What happened to you – that was… violence. That wasn't…

"Sex? I know, Darry." He was at once horrified and relieved that I knew what he meant.

"Yeah. That's what I meant," he said. "I just… I don't want you to think everything about sex is scary or bad. I mean, when the time comes for you, when you're _thirty_," he said, almost seriously, "I don't want you to have to be afraid. It should never, ever be scary, or else it isn't right."

"Dar?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to give me the talk, if you're worried about that. Mom fit that in before they died." My mom had given me the whole sex talk in sixth grade when I had started asking questions about stuff I saw happening in other cars at the drive-in.

Darry seemed immensely relieved.

"I guess she didn't expect me to get… well, practically raped, though."

He nodded. "I hope, wherever she is, she doesn't know…" Darry said. "We shoulda…"

"No," I said. "We're done with blame. It belongs to none of us."

"Right," Darry said, "but…"

"You know what, Darry? Maybe I should just talk," I suggested. "Because I know exactly what happened, and how I feel." As much as I didn't want to talk about the _other_ thing, this I could handle.

He actually looked relieved by that as well.

"I just like Ben, Darry. And I felt for a while like I wanted to kiss him. Just kiss him. I'm twelve. My plans didn't go past that. He did kiss me back but nothing more. I don't have plans for more, and he doesn't ask for anything more. And he takes care of me, and you have no reason to be mad or upset with him, or Kevin or his friends, either, because they just look out for me. I hate what happened to me, and what people think they can say to me because of it, but I know what happened doesn't make me what they say."

"No, it doesn't," Darry agreed. "And anybody else talks to you like that again, and you let us know and we'll take care of it. Anything else?"

"Just…"

"What?"

"Thanks for trying, I mean, you know, at least thinking about the stuff that would have been Mom's job. I know it must be weird for you. I mean, it's weird for me too. But thanks."

He hugged me. "I hope you realize this means you and Ben's alone time is going to be a lot more supervised."

I hadn't thought about that. "But how are we gonna be able to talk about all of you?" I asked, half serious.

"I guess you'll just have to stop talking about me," he said.

"It's okay, Darry. I understand."

"Well, I hope Ben does too."

"He will."

"So, there is one more thing," he said, hesitantly.

"What?"

"Where'd you get the alcohol, Scout?"

I hung my head. I knew how disappointing this was for him, after he had just started trusting me.

"I took it from our refrigerator," I said. "I knew nobody was keeping track."

"Well, you can be pretty sure that somebody will be now," he said.

"I won't do it again, Dar. I learned my lesson." Had I ever.

"Scout, what happened to you had nothing to do with that. Payback for kids sneaking around drinking should mean a night hanging your head over the toilet bowl, not what happened to you. I can't tell you enough, this was not your fault."

I didn't answer. He took my hand, rubbing it between his. It was still freezing.

Soda and Ponyboy came crashing through the front door just then, and Darry told me to get to bed. I set into motion my farce of preparing to sleep, though I knew exactly how it would end up.

Everyone else headed off to their respective beds, and the house eventually settled into sleep. As soon as everything was quiet, I headed out to the kitchen with my blanket and pillow, ready to spend another night of endless negotiations with the fear and worry that I was coming to despise in myself.

**A/N: Thanks for reviewing. Don't worry, Steve will eventually show up again.**


	25. The Truck

After a few nights in the kitchen, I managed to find ways to busy myself despite my insomnia. I had the train schedule down pat; I knew exactly when to expect the whistles. Between midnight and two there was one every twenty minutes. I didn't even need the clock, I could count to sixty twenty times in a steady rhythm and know to expect it.

This worked well to pass the time, until I would be distracted by a noise and immediately lose count, all my senses on overdrive. Every time I heard that whistle, I wondered who might be on that train, hiding, running away from something, like Pony and Johnny had, and I had, by mistake. It sounded appealing, running away. Then I would have nothing to fear, Steve would never know where to find me.

As tempting as it was, I knew I couldn't. I knew I could never again leave my brothers and make them wonder where I was, or if I was okay. I knew how that felt now, having worried about Darry, and I would never wish it on anybody. I had already put them through that once. That was simply not a viable option.

I also discovered that we had mice. After my first night in the kitchen, during which I must have been nothing but a suspicious stranger to them, they pretty much accepted me as one of their own, and scurried about, enjoying whatever morsels of our dinner had made it to the floor. Little souls, even if they were just rodents, they made me feel a little bit less alone, and managed to give me something else to think about when, truly, I was completely owned by paranoia. I learned to read their fear, and eventually I only _really_ worried when they fled for cover in the safety of the space under the stove or refrigerator. Then my own fear heightened, wondering what they had heard or felt that I hadn't. I knew Darry would trap them if he knew about them, so we shared a secret. Neither of us were supposed to be hanging around in the kitchen at night.

As for school, it was just short of unbearable. It had been hard to go back after Mom and Dad died, to listen to everyone talking about us, but I hadn't been alone. I knew that Darry and Soda and Pony all were all going through the same thing. Knowing I wasn't alone helped more than I had even known, at the time. Now that I was going through something all alone, I wished more than anything that someone, _anyone_ knew what I was dealing with. Everyone wanted to be helpful, but nobody knew how I felt. Absolutely nobody. I was alone. Completely.

…………………………

Saturday morning I just couldn't get up. Soda came in to get me for breakfast and I told him to eat without me. I heard Darry leave for work, and went right back to sleep. I awoke to somebody coming in. Soda again.

"Scout, are you all right? It's past noon." I didn't move. I could see how he would be concerned, thinking I had been still sleeping since the night before when I "went to bed," at ten; what he didn't know was that I hadn't actually fallen asleep until just after sunrise around five-thirty that morning. I just wanted to stay in bed all day. He came over and lay down next to me.

"Scout, come on. You have to get up. If you sleep this much in the day you'll never be able to sleep at night."

I was already familiar with that problem, and I didn't see any end in sight to it. Just let me sleep, Soda, I wished. This is the only time I can.

"Scout, come on, are you sick?" He put his hand on my forehead, which was, of course, freezing.

"Man, you're freezing," he said. Why are you so cold?"

"I'm fine." I was getting really convincing with that line.

"Well, you gotta get up. We gotta go get groceries. I promised Darry I'd take care of it while he was at work. He got a ride, and left us the truck."

"Why do I have to come?" I really wanted to sleep, all day.

"I'm not leaving you home alone. Not after…"

After what happened last time I did, I knew he was going to say, but he didn't. A week ago. It had been a week since I had become somebody else, this shell of myself.

"Where's Ponyboy?"

"He got Two-Bit to drive him to the movies. We're pickin' him up after shopping."

I just lay there, not moving.

"C'mon, baby, I don't wanna have to torture you awake, still bein' hurt and all."

I sighed and threw the covers back, sitting up.

"I'll be ready in five minutes," I said. He stood up and walked out.

"I'll be waiting," he called back.

I got up, went to brush my teeth and brush my hair, and threw on some clothes that had been tossed over my desk chair. They smelled clean enough. I usually kept my room fairly neat but the past week had brought about a fair amount of indifference toward many of the things I normally cared about, homework and keeping my room neat being just two of them.

I hopped into the truck next to Soda and leaned against the door, staring down at the floor as he drove. I couldn't think of anything to say, my thoughts were pretty much all about one thing, and it was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

"The car's gonna be done soon," Soda said. "I'm just waitin' on a few parts." I didn't answer.

"You wanna help me paint it tomorrow?" he asked.

"I guess so," I said, trying to sound even the tiniest bit enthusiastic but failing miserably.

He put his arm on my shoulder. I knew he wanted it to be some sort of comfort but, the truth was, there _was_ no comfort. For some reason, Ben was the only person who made me able to relax even a little bit, and take my mind off things for more than a second, which was weird, since any one of my brothers would probably be able to physically protect me better than Ben.

He parked and shut off the car and I looked up. I hadn't been paying attention to where we were going, and I was horrified to see that we were at the DX.

"What are we doing _here_?" I wondered if I sounded as panicked as I was.

"I gotta pick up my check. C'mon, come in and I'll buy you a candy bar."

"I'm not hungry, I'll just wait." My heart was going to explode out of my chest, or I was going to throw up, I was sure of it.

"It might be a couple minutes," Soda said. "Depends if the boss wrote 'em out yet."

"I'll stay here." Just knowing Steve was _in_ there was causing a physical response in me. There was no way I could go in. I wanted to ball myself up in the seat but I forced myself to sit normally.

"Okay," he said, giving me a puzzled look. I was not normally one to pass up chocolate. He slammed the door and headed into the shop.

I stared, despite myself. As Soda entered, Steve came through the door from the repair shop into the office, wiping his hands with a rag. Soda blocked my view of him for a second, but as he moved to go through the office door behind the counter, Steve was revealed, looking straight ahead out the window, directly at me.

Oh God. The back office door shut behind Soda and he was gone, leaving Steve and I staring at each other through the windshield and the office window, maybe fifty feet between us.

I was frozen. _Zero at the bone._

I don't have any idea why those words came to me at that moment, but they were exactly what I was feeling. It was the last line of some poem I read the previous year, by some lady who hated snakes. At the end, talking about how she felt when she would see one, the last line was:

_But never met this fellow_

_Attended, or alone_

_Without a tighter breathing,_

_And Zero at the Bone-_

I never identified with the author about that line, because I am not particularly afraid of snakes, but, right then, I knew exactly what she meant. Steve was, to me, the proverbial snake. The tighter breathing was happening, as well- I think I might have actually _stopped_ breathing for a second or two, but, literally, I was frozen. My body temperature felt like it had dropped from already freezing to zero in a split second. I was not sure I could have moved had the devil himself reached out to embrace me. It may have been just a few seconds before Soda came back through the door and Steve turned to him, breaking our eye contact, but it had felt like hours. I saw no reaction from him, seeing me. Nothing. He had just stood there, casually wiping his hands with the rag, looking out. I wondered how I had looked, whether he had seen me turn to pure ice. A human ice sculpture built of fear.

At that moment someone knocked on the passenger side window and I screamed. I looked over to see none other than Tim Shepard at my door. He opened it up, apologizing.

"Jesus, kid, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Christ."

I was still shaking and breathing heavy.

"Shit, I shoulda known better," he said. Soda was on his way over, having seen the whole thing. Steve was heading back into the repair shop, for which I silently thanked God.

"What the hell're you doin', Shepard, scaring the life outta poor lil' Scout?" Soda joked. I was almost mad at him for thinking it was funny, as much as it is possible to ever be mad at Soda, anyway. He climbed in and threw his arms around my shoulder. When he noticed I truly was shaking, his tone turned to concern.

"Shoot, he really did scare you, huh? You okay?"

I nodded, probably unconvincingly.

"You know I wouldn't hurt you, kid," Tim said.

"I know, Tim, you just scared me. I didn't know you were there." I looked over and his car was parked right next to the truck- I hadn't even heard him pull in. I guess my senses had been frozen, as well.

"I just wanted to see how you were doin'," he said. "And if you got anything else on the asshole who hurt you. I see, as far as how you're doin', maybe still a little edgy, huh, kid?"

Yeah. A little. A little short of completely losing my mind.

"I don't know anything, Tim," I said.

"Well, my guys all got their ears open. We'll get 'im. That's a promise." I remembered Tim telling me he didn't make promises to girls that he couldn't keep, the night Darry had been missing.

He's in there, I wanted to scream, pointing at the repair shop. He's _right there_! But my mouth stayed closed.

"Well, you let me know, if you think of anything else," he said, shutting the door.

"I will."

"Seeya, Tim," Soda said, starting up the truck.

I don't think my breathing or body temperature returned to normal until sometime after dinner that night, and as I sat in the kitchen counting my way through the whistles, I had a whole new terrifying moment to dwell on.

And I hadn't even had to talk to him yet.

................................

**A/N: Sorry, kinda short. These things take time, people.**

**The poem is "A Narrow Fellow in the Grass," by Emily Dickinson. I swear to God, I don't own it, at all, I just really like it. Please don't sue me for using it.  
**

**Love your reviews, keep 'em coming…**


	26. The Mirror

I knew on Sunday morning I wouldn't be able to sleep past ten because Darry was home. Since he was such an early riser, he started to go out of his mind if we weren't all awake by then, thinking about all the potential for productivity we were missing out on. Darry pretty much saw sleep as a waste of time, but was unable to deny the necessity of partaking in at least _some _slumber.

True to form, he was at my door, right at ten, knocking.

"Scout, it's ten. Get your lazy butt out of bed."

I didn't even have the energy to be annoyed at being called lazy. I had only been asleep for four hours. The sleep deficit I was accumulating was becoming insurmountable. I wasn't quite sure how I would get through a full week of school if things didn't change.

I completely ignored him, knowing full-well that he'd be back. He was, in about fifteen minutes, actually coming in this time.

"Scout, get up. I know you haven't done any homework yet, and I don't want to have to be on your case about it tonight."

I didn't even bother to argue- I knew I wouldn't win. I was so tired that I wanted to cry, though.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to see Darry staring at me.

"Fine, Darry," I said. "I'm up."

He continued to stare until I actually sat up and threw off the covers.

"I'm _up_," I repeated.

"Good," he said. "After you eat, you get on that homework."

I had no plans to eat. I took a shower and sat at my desk, completely unable to concentrate, especially on the math, where I was completely lost, since Pony had done my homework for the past week. Finally, I managed to at least attempt an answer for everything, and I wandered out into the kitchen. It was almost two. Darry was starting something for dinner.

"I'm making pot roast," he said. He knew I loved that. I knew this was a ploy to try to get me to eat. I hadn't had breakfast, or lunch either.

"Where is everybody?" I asked.

"The car," Darry said. I had forgotten that I told Soda I would help him paint it. I wandered outside. It turned out they weren't painting. I guess the parts that Soda had been waiting for had come in, and Steve had dropped them off at the house before work that morning. I didn't like the thought that Steve had been in the house while I had been sleeping, at all.

Soda had Ponyboy working with him, which I found pretty funny. Ponyboy can write and draw great, but his hands are definitely not meant for fixing things. He's usually the one _breaking_ things around the house.

"Hey, sleepy," Soda said, reaching out to grab me but when I saw all the grease on his hands I backed away.

"I just took a shower, Soda," I said. "You're dirty!" He laughed, and chased me around the yard trying to grab me. I'm sure he could have if he wanted to, but I ran up to the car, opened the back door and threw myself in, locking the door.

"You win," he said, laughing. I reached into the front seat and turned on the radio, rolling down the passenger window so I could still talk to them while they were working. I lay down across the back seat and had to laugh at how uncomfortable it was. The mechanics of the car might be almost fixed, but the inside still left quite a bit to be desired. I stretched across the seat, feeling the springs digging into my back, but thinking that maybe I could catch a few more minutes of sleep. I listened to Pony and Soda's friendly bickering over the sound of the radio.

"Glory, Pony, didn't anyone ever teach you how to use a wrench? You call that tight?"

"Well, I didn't wanna bust it off, Soda."

"It's made of steel, Pony. You ain't gonna break steel. You ain't no goddamn superman."

I drifted off listening to the two of them. I felt kinda safe for the moment, surrounded by a big hunk of metal, knowing that Soda and Pony were right there.

I awoke to the driver's side door slamming, and someone putting the key into the ignition. I was about to put my head back down when I heard Soda from outside the car, saying,

"Alright, Steve, give it a go!"

I sat up straight. Steve was in the car? _Steve was in the car?_

I must have startled him by sitting up, because he immediately looked into the rear-view mirror. Our eyes met there.

"_Jesus, Soda, you didn't tell me the kid was in here!_" he yelled.

Soda laughed. "I forgot. Scout, you been sleepin'?"

I didn't answer. My eyes were frozen to the mirror. Steve's eyes stared back at me. They looked nothing like they had that night. I didn't _see _evil; I only felt it. I was frozen, again. Zero at the Bone. My heart was pounding out of my chest, again.

"Hey, kid," he said.

"Hey," I managed to whisper. I have no idea how I sounded. I was willing every muscle in my body to open the door and get out of the car, but I couldn't move. I was fighting back everything- screams, tears, panic, sickness.

"Heard you had some trouble," he said, our eyes still locked in the mirror. He turned the key and the car came to life.

I couldn't read him. I couldn't figure out if he was playing dumb, and he remembered everything, or if he had no idea what he had done. Maybe it was a mixture of both. His eyes told me nothing, and his voice was perfectly calm. Either way, my reaction was the same: total fear. Suddenly the other back door opened and a body slid in next to me, taking my hand. I jumped.

"So, where we goin'?" It was Ben, he must have heard Steve start the car and come over.

"Jesus, Scout, you're freezin'!" He rubbed my hand between his, trying to warm it up. He slid over closer to me and I buried my head in his neck, wrapping my arms around him and trying to breathe normally.

He leaned into me. "Hey," he said, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied, squeezing myself against him, "I'm just glad to see you," I said. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "You smell good," he said.

Thank you, God, I thought. If there were anything I needed at that exact moment that could calm me down, at all, it was Ben. His presence freed up my nervous system and I reached over and opened my door, climbing out and pulling Ben along with me.

"Hey, where you going?" Soda called after us. "We're gonna go for a ride."

"Later," I said, pulling Ben into our house.

I dragged him into the living room and pulled him down onto the couch with me.

"What's with you?" he asked. "Soda's been working on that car forever, he finally got it running, and you won't ride with him?"

"I just don't want to right now, okay?" I said. "Just sit with me?"

He threw his arm around my shoulders and I leaned against his chest, falling into his warmth. I knew it was going to be a long, sleepless night, and I was hoping for another hour or so of sleep. Darry came in and looked at us, wanting to say something, but, taking a good look at the situation, realized that we really weren't doing anything that was prohibited.

"Can you put on the TV, Darry?" I asked. He snapped it on, then sat in Dad's chair.

I was asleep within minutes, feeling the vibrations of Ben's chest over his heartbeat as he talked to Darry.

Finally, I felt Ben's hands under my chin, lifting me up.

"Hey, Scout," he said, gently, "I have to go home."

I was so comfortable against him, I didn't want him to leave.

I reluctantly picked up my head. I actually felt warm.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Six," Ben said, guiding me off of him, against the back of the couch.

"Dinnertime," Darry said, pulling me up. The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but I followed him in to the kitchen.

"Bye, Ben," I said. "Thanks." I wasn't sure whether or not he knew why I was thanking him.

"See you tomorrow," he said. Ugh. School tomorrow.

I did the best I could to eat enough to make Darry happy, then went right back into my room.

I heard Soda telling Darry about his car- I had to admit, it was going to be good to have two cars again. I hadn't heard him this enthusiastic about anything since Sandy, and I felt a slight bit of happiness listening to him sound so excited.

I was sitting on my bed staring at the wall, when Darry knocked.

"You got homework for me to check?" he asked.

I got up and walked over to the desk, handing him my math book. "I had a little trouble," I admitted.

He sat down on my bed and opened the book, looking at it for a minute.

"Scout, you don't know how to do this, do you?" he asked.

"No," I admitted. I had no idea.

"Didn't she go over it in class?"

"I guess so," I said. "I had some trouble concentrating this week."

"I see that," he said. "Come into the kitchen."

He sat down at the table and I sat down next to him, while he walked me through the first problem. It was geometry- proofs. I hated them, but it was like they were _made_ for Darry, one logical step after another. I have to admit, Darry has always been a really patient teacher. I could remember, as a little kid, that both Soda and Pony gave up on trying to teach me how to tie my shoes after only a couple of tries. I had sat out on the front steps crying, my kindergarten teacher having told the class that she was no longer willing to tie our shoes for us, until Darry found me there. He must have sat with me for two hours, teaching me, step by step, until I got it, displaying none of the frustration that Soda and Pony had taken out on me.

He made me do a couple more problems in front of him until he was sure that I understood how to do it on my own.

"Scout, you know you can ask for help if you don't get something."

This was the first time, ever, really, that I had no idea how to do my homework. I always made dumb mistakes, but that was because I tended to rush, not because I didn't know how to do it. Darry usually didn't have to teach me anything- he just had to find my mistakes.

"I know," I said.

"Alright, well, fix these, then you have to get to bed." I sat at the kitchen table and redid all the problems he hadn't gone over with me, then I brought my paper in to him in the living room to look at.

"Much better," he said, handing it back to me. I just stood there, biting my lip, hoping I'd be able to focus a little better this week.

"So…I'm gonna go to bed then," I said.

"'Night," Darry said.

"'Night Scout," Soda called from where he sat on the floor, watching television.

I turned and headed for the bathroom, washing up and ending up back in my bed, waiting for everyone else to turn in, as I had for the past week, so that I could head out to my safe haven, the kitchen floor.

At some point that night I actually fell asleep. I must have, because I woke up screaming. In the dream I was back in the car, lying in the back seat, when the door opened and Steve came in, holding me down against the seat. It was just like my last nightmare: everything felt frighteningly real. His hands were on me, his weight held me down. It was every bit as terrifying as when it had actually happened.

Darry must have been there in seconds, considering I was right outside his door.

"Scout, you're okay," he said. "It's just a nightmare again. It's just a dream."

I couldn't believe I woke everyone up again. I looked around, knowing that they must all be wondering what I was doing on the kitchen floor. I wiped my eyes and tried to shake off any lingering memories of what I had been dreaming about.

"You must have sleepwalked," Soda said. I was more than willing to go with that idea.

"I guess so," I said. "I'm okay now," I lied. "Sorry I woke you up again."

"Well, I can't complain, knowin' how long I've been doin' this to you all myself," Pony said, standing up from where he had been sitting next to me. "'Night, Scout," he said. Soda got up and followed him.

"G'night, Pony," I said, standing up. Darry stood up and walked me back to my bed, pulling my covers up over me, then sitting down.

"Is there anything I can do, Scout, to help you with this?"

"No," I said. There wasn't.

"Do you want to talk about it? About what you're dreaming?"

I closed my eyes.

"No." I was still hoping that, eventually, it would all go away. I would be able to think about other things again. I would go back to being myself, not this paranoid, pathetic shadow of a person.

I could feel Darry thinking, wishing he knew what to say, but I couldn't help. I had no idea what I wanted him to say, either. I wanted him to fix something that there seemed to be no way to fix.

"Go to bed, Darry," I told him. He sighed and got up, pulling my door closed behind him.

"Sleep tight, baby," he said. "Good dreams, okay?"

If only I got to choose, I wished.

..........

**A/N: Okay, so I know you all wanted there to be huge drama when Scout and Steve met again... sometimes drama happens in a more subtle kind of way, at first. Be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day. ;-) Keep the reviews coming, I love them!**


	27. The Grouch

**A/N: Okay reviewers, you made me happy tonight, so here's a bonus chapter for you!**

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Of course, I never fell back asleep until an hour before Darry woke me up again, so I was a complete grouch in the morning. Darry was on my case again about not eating and he went so far as to tell me I couldn't leave the table until I ate something.

"Are you kidding? I'm not a little kid, Darry!" I found myself yelling at him.

"Then stop acting like a brat, Scout," he said. "You have to eat something. I mean it. I'm not gonna have you getting sick from not eating when the whole point of me and Soda working is to put food on the table."

Guilt trip. Just what I needed.

"Well, if you're only working to feed _me_, then take some time off, because I am _not hungry_!" I couldn't remember the last time Darry and I had a fight where we yelled at each other. Soda and Pony looked on, speechless. Had it been Pony and me or Pony and Darry, nobody would have batted an eyelash, but for Darry and me to fight was pretty rare.

Eventually Two-Bit was at the door to get us and we had to go, so I picked up a pancake with my hands, took a bite out of it, slammed the rest down on my plate, grabbed my stuff, and stomped out the door. I could hear Soda trying to calm Darry down as I left.

In the car, I started to feel bad. There was no reason to be yelling at Darry- I knew he was just worried about me, but my sleeplessness and constant fear was taking it's toll on me, and my mind was acting out in ways I felt like I couldn't control.

After a particularly hard day at school, struggling all day to concentrate and stay awake, I came home and, as usual, went straight to my room, dropping off my books on Pony's bed. He was still doing all my homework. He would have done it for me over the weekend, too, if Darry hadn't got on my case about it before Pony got around to it. We hadn't talked about it, but I think he knew that I just couldn't do it right now, and we had a silent understanding that this was the best way to deal with it. I knew he didn't want Darry all over me when I was already a mess; he knew exactly what that felt like.

I was in my room lying in bed, as I did every afternoon, when I heard Darry and Soda come in. As always, there was the telltale slam of the door, and the bumps as they dropped first their shoes, then Darry's tool belt on the floor by the door. I was about to close my eyes in search of sleep again, when I was surprised to hear,

"Scout, get out here." Darry didn't sound happy. This was a voice normally reserved for Ponyboy, when he was giving him a hard time about something. I wondered if he was still mad about breakfast.

I slid out of bed and tentatively walked out toward the living room. He was standing in front of Dad's chair. I leaned against the wall just outside my doorway and looked up at him, not sure what was coming.

"Did you skip class today?"

I searched my mind to think of who could have told on me. I hadn't seen anybody. Unless somebody had seen me walking to or from the car… I had spent study hall in Two-Bit's car, not being able to deal with those Socs without Ben there. It had been his last day of suspension.

"Scout, I'm asking you a question. Did you skip?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"There are no buts, Scout. I don't want to be hearing from people that you aren't where you should be during the day. I expect you to be _in school_ during school hours. I can't be worrying about you all day long because I don't know where you are."

"It was just a study hall, Darry. I just sat in Two-Bit's car and did my homework." I was a little mad. I knew for a fact that Pony skipped study hall regularly to go outside and smoke. I was lying about the homework, in truth I had just sat there and done nothing, but still...

"I don't care. That's not the point. I don't want you leaving school. You have a study hall- you go to it. Period!" He was yelling at me again.

"Fine, Darry," I yelled back. "Instead I'll just sit in a study hall full of obnoxious Socs and listen to them laugh at me and call me a tramp because of what happened to me. And since Ben is still suspended, I'll just sit there and take it because there's nobody to stick up for me! Will _that_ make you happy? Who told you, anyway? Do you have the Secret Service on me now?"

Darry reached up over his head and, in that second, I saw Steve, reaching back to slug me across the face. I realized I was standing in exactly the same place where he had first hit me, when I finally realized what had been happening. Instinctively, I tensed, closing my eyes and hunching my shoulders up. Obviously, nothing happened, and I opened my eyes to see Darry scratching his head, a look half-shock and half-sadness on his face. I released my shoulders as well as my breath, which I didn't realize I had been holding.

"Did you just think I was going to _hit_ you?" He asked, incredulous.

I shook my head no, but it was clear from my reaction that my body had been preparing for a blow.

He crouched down so he was at my eye level, something he rarely does. Our conversations generally occur with me looking up, and him looking down. Now our eyes were even. He put a hand on each shoulder and stared at me.

"Scout, I will never hit you. No matter how upset I am with you. I made that mistake one time, and it's not gonna happen again. Ever. I can't even believe you would think that. God, Scout. I just want to know where you are during the day, so I know you're safe. I can't be sure you're safe if you're wandering around outside. We still don't know who hurt you. You can't be wandering around alone." The anger had completely vanished from his voice.

I couldn't answer.

"They're calling you a tramp?"

I just stared at the floor. I had tried to go to that study hall, I really had, but I could only take so much. So I left.

"Forget it, Darry," I said. He had no idea what I was going through. He never could.

"Who called you that?"

"I don't know their names. Socs. Just forget it, anyway. Ben will be back at school tomorrow."

"Scout, I'm not saying that you have to take crap from anyone. But you can't just disappear every time something you don't like happens."

"I know." He didn't need to make me feel bad, I already knew what a coward I was.

"I didn't mean to yell at you," he said. "I'm just worried about you. You're not acting like yourself."

I'm _not_ myself, I thought. She disappeared last weekend. Steve took her away, somewhere. He's got her hostage, now. And I'm so tired that I hardly have the energy to fight to get her back.

"I'm just gonna go lie down," I said. "I have a headache. I already did my homework." Pony had come in with my books just before Darry had come home. This time he showed me how to do the math, in case Darry asked.

"Alright," he said, looking concerned. "I'll come get you when dinner's ready.

I actually did fall asleep and, when Darry woke me for dinner, I forced down a respectable amount. I didn't want to fight with him anymore. Just because I was falling apart, there was no reason to take the rest of the family down with me, I realized. He checked my homework and I crawled right back into bed, Darry giving me a few aspirins for my "headache."

While I lay there waiting to relocate to the kitchen, I heard Darry pick up the phone in the kitchen and dial.

"Hi, Mr. Harvey? It's Darrel Curtis."

"Fine, thanks. I was wondering if I could talk to Alison."

"Sure, thanks."

There was a pause and I heard Darry tapping something against the counter. He does that when he's thinking hard.

"Hey, Alison." He sounded so glad to hear her voice that I almost smiled. We hadn't been to Angelo's the previous week, Darry'd had a late job on Thursday.

"No, not really, just, well, yeah, actually. It's Scout."

"Well, I told you how she had that nightmare, in my parents' room? Well, she had another one, last night. We found her on the floor in the kitchen, screaming and crying again." I was horrified that Darry was telling her this.

"Plus, she's not eating, she just lies in bed all the time when she's home. And she's _fighting _with me. She's never been one to fight with me. Christ, she actually thought I was going to _hit_ her today."

I felt so stupid. Listening to Darry list all of these things made me realize what a bad job I had been doing of pretending I was okay. I was going to have to take it up a notch.

"I don't know, she says she doesn't want to talk about it. She won't talk to me anyway. Has she talked to Anna at all?" I had told Anna the first time I saw her that I didn't want to discuss it, and it hadn't come up again since. I think she knew better than to tread in territory where there was so much danger of saying the wrong thing.

"I just don't know what to do for her, Ali. She's falling apart, right in front of me, and I don't know how to help her." He sounded despondent.

I tuned in and out of the rest of their conversation, thinking about ways I could try to get back closer to normal, closer to the person I had been, and farther away from who I now was. Who I was now was just upsetting everybody. I was still thinking when I finally heard Darry hang up and head off to bed.

I thought about it all night long, counting the whistles and watching the mice. Just as the sun came up I got an idea.

...........

**A/N: Aw, I know it. That's just plain mean. **

** Shepard fans: Stay tuned. **

**Please review. Are you getting it now? You review-I update. ;-)**


	28. The Meeting

I came in from school, threw my books onto Ponyboy's bed, and headed straight for my bedroom. I opened my desk drawer and started digging through it. That was where I threw the contents of my pockets every night. It was full of coins, pens, half-eaten packs of gum, hair elastics, and lots of scraps of paper. I barely remembered what the piece I was searching for looked like, but, finally, I found it. In tall, scrawly writing, not unlike Pony's, it said "Tim S." and had a phone number on it. I hoped he had meant what he said when he told me not to hesitate to call him. I had considered asking Two-Bit for help, but I knew if I did, he would feel like he had to tell Darry. I sort of felt like this was the kind of help Tim had been offering, the kind of help I knew nobody else would give me, so I gathered my courage and dialed.

After a few rings, someone picked up. It sounded like it might be Tim.

"Shepards!"

I hesitated. "Tim?" I offered.

"Naw, this is Curly."

"Oh, hey Curly. Uh…this is Scout Curtis, Ponyboy's sister. Is Tim there?" I had no idea if Curly even knew who I was. At the least, I was pretty sure he might know me as Ponyboy's kid sister.

"Hang on." I heard him yell for Tim, then hand him the phone saying "It's that Curtis kid, the girl. What, you screwin' middle schoolers these days?"

"Shut your fuckin' mouth, asshole." I could hear Curly's pained reaction as Tim clearly struck out at him in some way. "Get the hell out of here," he said, then,

"Hello?"

"Tim? It's Scout Curtis. I'm…uh… sorry to bother you."

"No problem. What's up, kid?"

"Well, I wanted to ask you a favor… actually, I kinda, well, I wanted to talk to you about something. Do you think maybe you could meet me somewhere?"

"Now?"

"Well, no, I mean, whenever you have time. Whenever."

"Everything alright, kid? You sound kinda upset."

"Yeah, everything's okay. I just need some help with something, and I'm not really sure who else to ask… but you offered, before… I mean, well…I guess it's the kind of thing I maybe would have gone to Dallas about." I could hear quite a commotion in the background and he covered the receiver as I heard him call "Christ, Curly, would you cut that shit out? I'm on the phone."

He uncovered the receiver. "Then I'm your man. I'm kinda tied up at the moment, but how about later tonight. Eight?"

"Uh…" I was going to have to think of a way to get Darry to let me out. "Okay. Could you meet me at our lot?"

"Sure thing, kid. See you there."

"Okay… Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"You bet."

Now I had to come up with a way to get out of the house to meet him. It didn't take long. I ran out the back door and over to Ben's house.

His Mom answered the door.

"Hi Mrs. Cummings. Is Ben home?"

"He just got back from practice, honey. You can go on back, I think he's in his room." Darry was making me take another week off from going to the gym after school to let my ribs heal. Usually I stayed anyway, and watched either Pony at track or Ben, but today I had made Two-Bit drive me home right after school so I could get some time alone in the house. I'd had to promise Two-Bit about ten times that I would lock the door and stay inside before he finally let me stay alone.

I went back to his door and knocked.

"What, Mom? I'm doing homework."

I cracked open the door. "Please don't think of me as your Mom," I said. He looked up from the bed and smiled. "Hey," he said, motioning me in.

I lay on the bed next to him and kissed him. "You don't do that with your Mom, do you?" I asked.

He looked me in the eye, making a face. "That's kinda sick, Scout. Guys really don't want to think about that."

"I know. Sorry. I couldn't resist."

"So, to what do I owe this pleasure?" I didn't usually come to his house; he usually came to mine.

"Well, I have to ask you a favor."

"_Really?_" he seemed intrigued.

"I need you to go to the lot with me tonight."

His eyes opened wide. I realized what he was thinking, which was a little funny because both of us knew that neither one of us was anywhere near ready for that kind of stuff. I slapped him lightly on the thigh.

"Don't even think it, Ben. I need to you wait with me there because I need to meet someone and I don't want Darry to know. I need you to cover for me. I'll tell him I'm coming over here to help you with homework."

Suddenly he looked a little upset. "Who are you meeting? A guy?"

"Not really. Nobody you have to worry about."

"Cut the crap, Scout. Who?"

"Tim Shepard."

Ben looked confused. "What do _you_ want with Shepard?"

"Look, Ben, he's doing me a favor. He's been really nice to me since Dally died, and he offered to help me out if he could after… you know… I got hurt. I just need to talk to him."

"Why can't you talk to me?" He looked upset, and suddenly I wondered if asking him had been a mistake.

"I _am_ talking to you, Ben. I'm asking you to go with me to meet him because I don't want to wait alone and I trust you the most not to tell Darry about it. You're the _only_ one I'm telling about meeting him."

"Why can't you tell me what you want to ask him?" Ben wasn't gonna just give in to me.

"I just can't. It's something I need Tim's help with, and that shouldn't be upsetting to you, because I'm not even telling my own brothers I'm meeting with him. I'm telling _you_, only. If you can't just accept that, I guess I'll just go wait alone. But I would rather have you with me. I'll feel _safer_ if you go with me."

He studied me. "You're a hard person to say no to, Miss Curtis," he said.

"So you'll do it?"

"With reservations," he said.

I pulled him in and gave him a kiss on the lips. Just as he started to lean in to me, I jumped up. "Thanks! I'll come over at seven-thirty! Get that homework done!" I winked and headed back home. I could hear him groaning at me as I went down the hall.

I got my homework from Pony, and showed it to Darry after dinner. He was impressed with my math; I had two pages and hadn't made any mistakes. I guess Pony had forgotten he was supposed to mess some up. Darry seemed to be in a pretty good mood, so I gathered my courage and went for it.

"Darry?" He was making lunches for the next day.

"Yeah?"

"Can I go over to Ben's for a while? I know it's a school night, but he needs help on his English essay. He can't spell for crap. His Mom is home."

He looked at the clock. It was seven-fifteen. "You be back by nine." He was too focused on separating cheese slices for our sandwiches to even turn around.

"I will. Bye." I ran out the door and heard Pony asking Darry, as I left,

"Where's _she_ going?" He's so nosy.

Ben and I walked to the lot together, and sat on the big rock at one side.

"I don't like this, Scout. I don't like lying for you to Darry."

"You probably won't have to. Don't worry about it."

"Well, I am."

I put my hand on his chin and turned his face to mine. "Don't." I said. "Last time I did something bad, I didn't let you take any of the blame. And, _if _I get caught, I won't this time, either."

He leaned forward and kissed me. We were caught in the act as headlights turned the corner and just about blinded us. Tim pulled up right in front of us. I stood up.

"Thanks, Ben. You don't have to wait. I'll have him drop me off by the house after."

He looked decidedly skeptical and eyed Tim in the car. "Are you sure?"

"Ben, he's fine. He looks out for me. Think of him as Dally. He's scary, but he's not gonna hurt me."

"I don't like it," Ben said, "but I trust you. If you're not home by nine-thirty, I'm telling Darry, though." He'd know I was home by my bedroom light being on.

"I will be!" I yelled and I ran around and jumped into Tim's front seat.

Tim turned to me. "That ain't the guy who beat you up, I hope."

"No way," I said. "That's Ben. He's my best friend."

Tim looked at me and laughed. "Well, I got a best friend too, but we ain't never kissed, and I'd fuckin' kill him if he ever tried!"

"Yeah, well…" I couldn't even begin to explain my relationship with Ben to Tim. I was kind of wondering who his best friend was, now that Dallas was gone.

"Thanks for meeting me," I said. He graciously accepted my changing of the subject.

"I'm glad you called me, kid. Whaddaya need?"

"Can we go somewhere else?" I asked. "Darry doesn't know I'm meeting you. If anyone sees me, I'm in trouble."

"Where you wanna go?"

"Anywhere but here," I said. He started the car and peeled out of the lot. Before I knew it we were across town at Buck Merrill's.

"You know, I'm not supposed to be anywhere near here," I said. I remembered the last time I had been there, following Pony and Johnny.

"Well, apparently this whole meeting is a big secret, so we might as well make it a good one." He shot me a mischievous glance.

I tried to size him up. "Tim, everyone I know thinks I should be afraid of you. So, should I?"

He laughed, and it sounded like a real laugh. "No." He was believable. "I ain't gonna take you inside."

"Good," I said, as I noticed a fight spilling out the front door and a large crowd coming outside to egg them on. "So, about that favor," I said.

"Let's talk."

"I want you to get me a weapon. I'll pay you for it, I just can't buy it myself, I'm not old enough." I had money saved up from birthdays and stuff.

"Whoa, little Curtis. What are we talkin' about, here? A gun?"

"I don't know, maybe. What do you think? That's why I called you."

"'Xactly who you tryin' to kill, kid?"

I turned to face Tim straight on.

"Look, you know what happened to me. I am scared out of my mind, Tim. _All the time_. Ever since it happened, I can't sleep. I lay awake all night, every night, and I crawl into the kitchen and sleep on the floor outside Darry's door, because I am so scared he'll come back and hurt me again. I fall asleep all day, in school, since I can't sleep at night."

He was looking at me, and I continued.

"I feel helpless, because he hurt me, and scared the life out of me, and I feel like if he comes back he's gonna be able to do exactly the same thing again, because I'm not big enough or strong enough to stop him. I don't want to be helpless. I want to feel like I have a chance, Tim. Like I have a fair shot to make him stop, at least long enough to scream and get my brothers to come help. I just want some help, to give me a fighting chance if he comes back. Because he didn't get what he was after the first time, and I'm scared to death he's gonna come back! I don't want to get hurt again!" I was almost yelling. "I can't stand it anymore! I'm going out of my mind, being scared all the time! He's gonna come back, I know it! And I can't even defend myself! He's gonna be able to do exactly the same thing!"

I had vowed never to cry in front of Tim Shepard, but I was dangerously close. I looked away, calming myself down.

"Look, I ain't in the habit of handin' out weapons to little kids," he said. "I ain't so sure it's the best idea. And your brother sure ain't gonna like it."

"I know he won't," I said, "That's why I am asking you, not him. I guess I'll just have to ask somebody else, then." I didn't know who else there was to ask, though, really.

He shifted in his seat, still looking at me.

"I just thought…Dally woulda helped me," I said, looking down at the seat of the car. "He woulda done anything I needed to make sure I didn't get hurt again." I wasn't lying, either. Dallas would have.

"Look, kid, I didn't say I wouldn't help you, just that it's gonna take some special consideration. Don't you worry," Tim said, and he put his hand on my shoulder and turned my chin to face him. "I'll figure out somethin' for you. Won't be able to get it to you 'til tomorrow though. You gonna be OK for tonight?" I felt like if I had said no, he would have stood guard outside my window for the night. It seemed like that was how earnestly he meant that he intended to look out for me as Dally would have.

"Yeah, I'll just sleep in the kitchen, as usual."

"I wish you could just tell me who hurt you, so I could put an end to all this shit for you."

"Me too." I really did. I just couldn't.

"So, that it? Anything else?" Tim was sincerely offering.

"Just don't rat me out to Darry. And don't say anything to Curly, 'cause he'll tell Ponyboy."

He chuckled. "I keep my mouth shut, girl," he said. "I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't." He was right about that.

"I better get back," I said. "If I'm not back by nine, Darry calls out the cavalry."

"Well let's get you home then." I couldn't even believe how nice Tim was to me. His reputation made him out to be such an asshole. I was wondering if I was seeing the real Tim, or what.

He dropped me off a block from home, as I asked, and didn't leave the curb until he saw me go safely into my house. All three of my brothers were in the living room watching TV. I saw Darry check his watch. It was only eight forty-five.

"How'd the essay go?"

"He can't spell, but the ideas were okay. I'm pretty tired, I'm just gonna go to bed, okay? Goodnight."

"'Night."

I went into my room and changed into my pajamas. I lay there and read books until I heard everyone else going to bed. I knew Darry would check in on me so I shut out my light and feigned sleep for a few minutes. He cracked open my door and peeked in, waiting 'til his eyes adjusted in the light and he saw my form asleep on the bed. He always left it a tiny bit open after he checked on me, I assumed so he could hear if anyone ever came for me in the night again.

Thankfully, so far, nobody had.

..........................

**A/N: So, I apologize if Tim is a little OOC here. I know Dally hated kids, but for some reason I see Tim as being a little more sympathetic, since he has younger siblings... Not that he's not still the baddest badass ever, because he is. ;-)  
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**Thanks for all the awesome reviews, they definitely keep me going. I don't mind anonymous reviews at all, in fact I love _all_ reviews :-) but just keep in mind that if you ask me a question in an anonymous review, I can't reply to you (because I don't know who you are or how to reach you! I'm not ignoring you!) Happy MLK Day, all!**


	29. The Training

I lay on the kitchen floor until daylight crept in, at which point I showered, got dressed for school, and napped on the couch until Soda woke me up for breakfast.

"Why do you keep falling asleep after you get ready?" he asked.

"I'm just tired," I said. "I don't know."

"Well, come eat," Soda pulled me up. At breakfast, I managed to eat enough to make Darry happy, or at least to keep him off my back. I didn't want to get in any more arguments with him.

On the way to school, in Kevin's car, I was already nodding off again. Ben lifted my head.

"Scout, what is up with you? You're like a zombie lately." I just shrugged. I assumed everyone was correctly attributing my behavior to having been attacked, but nobody wanted to bring it up to me. I just played along.

The day in school was interminable. I was too exhausted in every class to focus at all on what was going on. It took every ounce of energy in my body to keep my eyes open. At lunch, I slept in the backseat of Kevin's car as Ben did his History homework in the front seat. As the final bell rang, I was on my way out to find Two-Bit or Kevin for a ride home to go back to sleep when I spotted Tim's car. He was leaning on the hood. He motioned to me, then slipped inside. Pony was just coming out the high school side door. I ran over to him.

"Pony, I have a ride. Tell Two-Bit and Kevin I'm all set." He looked like he wanted to ask me something, but I was already gone and hopping into Tim's car.

He peeled out as soon as I jumped in. I saw Pony looking and hoped he didn't recognize Tim's car, or that, if he did, he'd keep his mouth shut about it.

"Had enough of this place, huh?" I asked.

"Well, I did my time," he said.

"Did you graduate?" I hoped he wouldn't be mad that I asked.

"Barely," he said. "But yeah."

"That's great, Tim." I meant it. So many greasers didn't. Sticking it out counted for something. And I had a sneaking suspicion that, underneath his tough hood exterior, Tim was actually pretty smart.

"Where we going?"

"I got some stuff to work on with you."

That sounded fairly ominous. I was not altogether surprised to find myself in Buck's parking lot again.

"Are you _trying_ to get me in trouble with Darry?" I asked.

"Nah. You think _I _want to be in trouble with Darry either? Nobody's here in the day anyway. I brought you here to practice."

"What?"

"I got you a sweet knife, kid. But you ain't getting it 'til I'm satisfied you know how to use it." He got out of the car and walked around to my door and opened it. The only other people in my life who had ever opened doors for me were Dad and Darry. Tim Shepard was just full of surprises.

"Thanks," I said, and he took my hand as I jumped out. I reluctantly followed him into Buck's. There were a few people at the bar- nobody I recognized. It was mostly older guys nursing their beers; I suppose all the wild young greasers are either stuck in school during the day or sleeping off their hangover from the night before. There was one pathetic-looking woman at the far end of the bar, leaning against the wall, who looked like she might have been propped up there since the previous night. She smiled a sickening smile at me and I looked down at the floor.

Tim sat down and talked to the bartender, who was also eyeing me. I'm sure he was wondering what the hell a twelve year-old kid was doing in a place like this, with Tim, no less… I was asking myself the same thing. Actually, the bartender looked vaguely familiar, he might have been one of the guys in Tim's gang, but I wasn't sure. I was starting to wonder if trusting Tim was such a good idea, after all. I was looking at the jukebox selections when suddenly he jumped off the barstool. He came over, grabbed my hand and started leading me upstairs. There was a whistle from one of the old guys at the bar.

"Ignore that," Tim said. "Those guys are all assholes."

"Get your minds outta the fuckin' gutter," he called back to them, "I ain't a goddamned pervert."

He got to the top of the stairs, pulled out a key, and opened a door to a sparsely decorated room. I remembered Pony and Johnny coming here to meet Dally, and I wondered if he had been staying in this room. I had no misconceptions about what normally went on in the rooms at Buck's, and I wondered with horror what Darry would do if he could have seen Tim bringing me into one now.

I wanted to trust Tim, but I was more than a little nervous. It didn't help when he shut the door and said, "Shut your eyes, kid." I didn't.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why not?" he shot back.

"'Cause I'm scared of you right now, in here," I admitted.

He grinned. "You got good instincts, little Curtis." He held out his hand for mine. I offered it up.

"Here." He placed something in my hand. As he pulled his hand away, it revealed a switchblade, a shiny blue handle gleaming in my hand.

"You trust me now?" he asked? "I ain't got a weapon. And you do." I didn't entirely believe him about that.

I closed my hand around the knife. "How much do I owe you?" I asked.

"My treat," he said. "You just slit the throat of that bastard who rapes greaser girls, and we're even. I got a sister too, you know." I still could not even make the slightest parallel between Angela Shepard and myself, but I got my knife. I was happy. Maybe now I could sleep.

"Thanks, Tim. Really."

"Oh, we ain't done yet, here. I ain't givin' a kid a knife without knowin' you can use it without killin' yourself in the process. With my luck you'll slit your own throat and Darry'll kill me instead o' you killin' somebody. You ever used a switch before?"

"No," I admitted. Though, I nearly added, I _had_ been found with one used for a murder in my pocket…if that counted for anything.

"You told me you're scared at night. So, you're gonna be sleepin' with this thing, right?" My plan was to keep it under my pillow, and sleep with my hand on it. Nobody was ever gonna take advantage of me in my own bed again. So help me God. I would kill him first. I would.

"So, lay down."

"Why?"

"Lay _down_, little Curtis," he said. "We're gonna play-act. Then, when you convince me you're ready to kill that son of a bitch and not cut off your own arm, I'll take you home."

I lay down, and held the blade in my hand under the pillow.

"So that's how you're gonna sleep?" he asked, lookng over the situation. "Well, here comes trouble." He jumped on me and within seconds he had the knife back and pinned me onto the bed. I was pinned exactly the way Steve had held me, and was about to scream bloody murder but the moment he saw the fear in my eyes he rolled off.

"Jesus, kid. I ain't gonna hurt you." he said. "I'm gonna show you how to _not_ let that happen. I'm gonna show you how to kick someone's ass. Trust me."

For some inexplicable reason, I did trust him. I had since that time he drove me home.

He showed me how to open and hold the blade correctly, how to hurt a guy where it counts, no matter how tall he is, and how to turn the tables to get the upper hand, even if you're smaller and lighter. After an hour or so of his tutoring, I knew why Angela was tougher than any guy in our gang.

Just as I was getting the hang of it, there was a knock at the door.

"I'm busy," Tim said, in a totally different voice than he had been using with me.

"You're not too busy for this," a voice answered, and the door opened to reveal a giant monster of a man, and suddenly I remembered where I was, and who I was with, and how eternally grounded I would be if Darry found out about this. This guy did not look friendly, and I froze.

"What the hell, Stokes?" Tim said, "I told you I'm fuckin' busy."

"We got a problem," the guy said, motioning him out, not looking the slightest bit surprised to see me sitting on the bed. I wondered if maybe I wasn't the first to get lessons from Tim during the daytime hours at Buck's.

"You sit tight, kid," Tim said. "I'll be right back. He went out into the hall and shut the door. I sat on the bed listening to them argue, though Tim never raised his voice.

"He says he don't have it, Tim," Giant man said.

"Well, you tell him he better fuckin' find it and he better have it back where it belongs by the time I get home tonight or he'll be waking up in the Intensive Care Ward." This Tim I was hearing was a completely different one than the one I dealt with.

I tried to figure out exactly what they were talking about, but I couldn't understand enough of it to catch on. I just sat on the bed, waiting. Eventually, the knob turned and Tim came back in.

"Sorry kid," he said. "Business."

I just nodded.

He worked with me for another half hour or so, and I felt like I was getting pretty good, but I wasn't sure if he was just making it seem that way. As we did our last practice round, he came at me from the side. I caught him head-on, nailed him full-on in the crotch (which, until now, we had been faking), dug my fingers into the sensitive parts of his underarms, concentrated all my weight on hitting him in the chest so I was on top of him, and whipped out the blade and had it against his neck.

"You're a fuckin' fast learner, kid." I had actually knocked the breath out of him. "You musta got that tackling talent from your big brother. You win. You're ready. Let me up."

I wasn't getting up. I wanted to see if I could take it a step farther. If you had told me a month before that I would be pinning Tim Shepard down with a blade to his neck, I would have said you were crazy for sure. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and here I was. I pressed the knife into his neck. Thanks to his help, I had him pretty much immobilized, unless he was gonna hit me, which I was _almost_ completely sure he wouldn't.

"You know my name, Tim Shepard?" I gave him the tiniest nick with the knife. A pea-sized drop of blood appeared.

"Yeah, I do." He looked surprised, and, surprisingly, proud. After all, he had taught me this confidence, in just a few hours.

"So what is it?" I was pretending to be _so_ much tougher than I was. But Tim played along.

"Scout Curtis."

"That's right. Actually it's Samantha Scout Curtis." I dug my knees into his pubic bone, a little something he hadn't taught me, but I had picked up from years of watching the boys fight. I felt a small tinge of satisfaction as he grimaced. I was playing with him, and he knew it, but I was testing myself as well, seeing how far I was willing to take it, how confident I really was. And God knows, if Steve ever showed up in my bed again, I was going to take it all the way.

A second later I felt guilty for hurting him at all and eased up. I owed any confidence I was feeling to him and he had no obligation to take any of this crap from me, but he was.

He must have felt me relax on him and in a single motion he grabbed me by the waist and turned me over, pinning me back down. He looked me in the eyes and winked at me. I thought I'd had him, but he knew how to take advantage of a second of weakness with no problem.

"You're ready," he said, "Miss Samantha Scout Curtis."

I smiled. "Well, _you_ can call me Scout."

"Funny, kid," he said. "And you can call me Timothy." He pulled me up and sat next to me on the bed, dabbing at his neck. " I can't believe you really fucking cut me!" he said. "You got nerve!"

"Well, you taught me it! I was just practicing," I said. "So, how'd I do?" In a weird way I felt like I was representing Darry, and that somehow I might have earned him even more respect with Tim.

"Let's just say, I had no intention of you pinning me down, and if you hadn't eased up on me for a second, I never would have been able to turn it around on you without hurting you, which I had no plans to do. I don't need your brother up my ass. You're lucky you're a girl, or I woulda rang your bell for pulling that shit. You did good, and that knife is yours. Anyone ever tries to hurt you again, you go ahead and put a nice long skinny hole right through their chest, with my compliments."

For the first night in almost two weeks, I spent the whole night in my own bed.

**A****/N: Yeah, of course, Tim let her do that on purpose, to make her feel more confident. Like I said, he's a smart guy. No twelve year old can take Mr. Timothy Shepard. Please don't think that was serious, or this would be the Mary-Sue-est of all Mary Sues.  
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**Happy inauguration day, y'all.** ** Review away!**


	30. The Altercation

I can't say I slept _great_ after getting the knife- it still took forever to fall asleep, and I woke up at the crack of dawn every day, but I was getting at least a few good solid hours in between, which at least allowed me to stay awake in class. I fell asleep and awoke each day with my hand around the knife, and somehow had weaned myself away from my mornings of awakening entombed in my sheets. I was ready all night to leap into action, if I had to.

Thursday night we went to Angelo's, and things almost felt normal for a while. Alison came and sat with us, and she and Darry were more affectionate with each other than I had ever seen them. I saw how being around her relaxed him. He needs her, I realized, even more than before, because I am doing nothing but making him stressed. I was so glad they had found each other. Darry deserved something good and easy in his life. The only time I had ever heard them argue, it had been about me, and I was determined to put an end to that.

I sat with Anna, who prodded me for information about how things were going with Ben. Me giving nothing up just about made her crazy. I just didn't want to share Ben with her, in that sense. I was glad to have Anna as a friend, but things between Ben and me I wanted to keep just between the two of us.

Eating like they hadn't been fed in days, Soda and Pony argued about something to do with engine cylinders and speed, Pony knowing the physics of the problem, and Soda knowing the mechanics… for a short time, I was able to put my fear to the back of my mind. This was just my family, interacting the way we always had. Things felt almost normal. We had taken Soda's now-road ready car, so driving home, nobody had to sit outside, and I fell asleep for a few minutes leaning against Pony. I had learned to welcome sleep, no matter how little, when I could get it.

We got home later than usual, and Darry and I headed into the house while Soda and Pony looked under the hood to make an adjustment to something that had been making a noise that Soda didn't quite like.

Darry flipped on the light and I froze. Two-Bit was lying on the couch, obviously hurt.

"Darry!" I called, running over to him.

Darry joined me, kneeling beside him. He shook him roughly.

"Don't, Darry," I said, "he's hurt. Two-Bit?" I called, putting my hand on his cheek, where there was blood drying from a cut just under his ear. Darry yelled at Soda and Pony to get into the house and they must have heard something in his voice, as they burst through the door a second later.

"Hey, Two-Bit," I called, louder. His eyes opened and slowly focused.

"Hey Scooter," he said softly. I could smell beer on his breath.

"What happened?" Darry asked. "Who did it?"

He looked confused for a minute and his eyes started to close again.

"Two-Bit!" Darry tapped him on his cheek. "C'mon, wake up!"

He opened his eyes again and Darry got in his face.

"Who, Two-Bit? Who messed you up?" He looked confused again, for a moment, and then something akin to anger crossed his face as he remembered.

"Those guys, the ones that scared Scout," he started. "I ran into them down at the Dingo tonight. I asked them what that was all about, comin' round here, scarin' a kid. They wanted to go outside for a talk… turns out they didn't really wanna talk."

He struggled to sit up, finally succeeding and leaning back against the couch. Soda came in with a wet towel and started wiping off his face, while Darry checked to see how bad his cuts really were.

"So was it them, Two-Bit? That hurt Scout?"

"They acted like they didn't know nothin' about that. They didn't even know who I was talkin' about, when I said Scout, not 'til I said Curtis."

He flinched as Soda wiped a cut on his forehead.

"It was you they were after, Darry," he said.

"Me? Why?" Darry sounded shocked.

"Somethin' about your work, I dunno. You takin' jobs from their friend or somethin'." Darry was silent, and I could see him thinking, processing who might be out to get him.

"How many of them?"

"Four. Five, maybe." Two-Bit was rubbing his head, where a bruise was forming on his temple. That was exactly where Steve had hit me to knock me out.

"You were alone?" he asked. I knew that if they had gone after Two-Bit when he was alone, that wasn't considered a fair fight and he would be rounding up people to exact revenge. This was really the last thing I needed to think about.

"Just me, yup. I did pretty good, considering, don'cha think?" Two-Bit was perking back up, now.

"Well, I don't think you need any stitches, anyway," Darry said. I could see him thinking again, planning.

"Call your mother, Two-Bit, tell her you're stayin' here. She doesn't need to see you like this tonight, save it 'til the morning."

Soda passed him the phone and he did as he was told. Darry went into the kitchen, and I followed after him. He was clearly agitated.

"Are you gonna go after them, Darry?" I asked.

He didn't turn around, he just started putting dishes away out of the dishrack.

"It's nothing you have to worry about, Scout."

"Yeah, Darry, it is," I countered. "You going out and getting hurt in a fight definitely is something I have to worry about." On top of all the other things I'm _already_ worrying about, I thought.

"Look, I said I'll handle it. It will be fine," he said, but I felt my own tension building. Nothing to worry about? Was he kidding me?

Just then, there was a knock at the front door and someone came in. Darry walked back out to the living room. I stood in the doorway to see Tim coming in.

"What the hell is this all about, Mathews? Curly said some guys worked you over outside the dingo? I just told you last week to watch your fuckin' back."

"Yeah, tell him thanks for the help, by the way," Two-Bit offered, sarcastically.

"Curly knows enough not to get involved in any o'that kinda action without my permission," Tim said.

I had to admit, I was pretty glad to see Tim. Maybe this meant Darry wouldn't have to get involved. Not that I wanted Tim getting beat up, either, especially considering all of the help he had been to me lately, but, given the chance, I would obviously choose to keep Darry safe.

"So was it them, that hurt the kid?" he asked Two-Bit, bluntly.

"I don't think so, Tim. They admitted comin' over here scarin' her, and all that, but they really didn't seem to know anything about her getting hurt. They were out for Superman, here," he elbowed Darry. Somethin' about him undercuttin' on prices, takin' jobs their buddies used to get."

That made sense. I knew that Darry could do the work of two men in half the time- it made sense that people might be hiring him over slower, less conscientious workers. Why would you hire two guys if you could hire just one?

"So who's comin' with me to look these guys up?" Tim asked.

I knew Soda was gonna be all over that. He was immediately energized. I couldn't fathom that, getting all excited to go get your head beat in. But Soda loved a fight.

Two-Bit, despite his state, was not planning to miss out on the fun either.

Ponyboy wanted in, too, but Darry put the kibosh on those plans before they even finished forming in Pony's mind.

"Forget it, Pony," he said. "No way. We just got you out of trouble, and you're stayin' out."

"Darry…" Pony started, and Darry gave him a look that would have silenced jut about anyone.

"I'll round up a few of my boys and we'll even things up," Tim said.

"I'm sorry, Tim," Darry said… "it's just, with us just finishin' up with court and all, I can't risk it. I don't think they'll be willin' to wipe the Curtis family slate clean too many more times."

I was enormously relieved. Darry wasn't going either. Now it was just Soda I had to worry about.

"I understand," Tim said, and he looked like he really did.

He glanced over at me in the doorway.

"Hey kid," he said, "How you doin'?" His tone didn't even hint at the fact that I had just spent the afternoon with him at Bucks two days prior.

"Okay," I said. I was more okay than the last time I had seen him, anyway. At least I had caught a _few _hours of sleep the previous night.

"Scout, you get in your room and start on homework," Darry said, noticing that I was there. I gave him a look and he added, "You too, Pony."

Pony actually dared argue; I figured I might as well just go. I was going to have to actually do it myself, since I hadn't been home to pass it off to Ponyboy before we went to Angelo's. I shuffled off to my room, did my English and History, and begrudgingly started on my math. The rest I could handle- it hadn't mattered that I hadn't done my own work in any of those subjects, but in math I was definitely falling behind.

It was pretty much a repeat of the night before- I had no idea how to do it. I hadn't heard a word in class. I decided it was pretty dumb to fake answers only to have Darry make me redo them again, so I swallowed my pride and went out to the living room. Darry was sitting in front of the television, though he was clearly not watching it. I knew he was worried about Soda.

"Darry?" He looked up, startled.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I need help with my math again," I said, coming over to sit next to him on the couch. He took the book out of my hands to see what I was supposed to be doing, and a bunch of papers that had been shoved inside the back cover fell out. Unfortunately, right on top was a test that had been returned to me that day, on which I had gotten exactly half of the answers right. A fifty. I had never gotten a fifty on anything before in my life.

He picked it up and looked at it, not saying anything.

"I guess I just didn't get it," I said, staring at the couch.

"Scout, this is what I went over with you a few nights a go. You got it _then_." He didn't really sound mad, but certainly not pleased, either.

"I guess I forgot," I said. I hated disappointing him like this. I had never done poorly in school, or needed any help with schoolwork.

Darry closed the book, and I could feel him getting ready to say something.

"Scout, you are way too smart to be getting a fifty on a test when you know the material. I've checked your homework, I know you can do this. What is going on?"

I just shrugged, feeling like I wanted to cry. Nothing's going on, Darry, except that I am completely falling apart, I thought.

He took a moment and I could practically hear it when he figured it out, the lightbulb going on in his head.

"You haven't been doing the homework, have you?" he asked.

I didn't respond. I didn't want Pony getting in trouble over this.

"Scout, don't lie to me," he said.

"Pony did it for me," I said. "but only because I made him."

"Nice try. I know better than anyone that it is next to impossible to _make_ Ponyboy do _anything_." I supposed that was the truth.

"Look, no more, okay? I will help you as much as you need, but your brother's not doing your work for you. _You_ need to learn how to do it."

"Okay," I agreed, quietly. It hadn't been fair to Pony, anyway, doing twice the homework. "Just don't get mad at him, okay? He was trying to help. I just couldn't concentrate on it."

Darry took a breath. "Scout, Alison said that, maybe….do you need to talk to someone, about what happened to you? Do you want to see… a doctor, or something? To talk about it?"

"No. I don't want to talk about it, Darry. I don't," I said. "We can't afford a doctor anyway."

"That's not what I asked," Darry said, putting his hand on my shoulder and rubbing. "The money- that's for me to worry about, not you. I just want you to get what you need. You're not yourself, and I don't like it."

"I'm fine, Darry," I lied. "I'm just a little tired. I haven't been sleeping very well."

He looked down at me, and it was clear he wasn't buying it, but he was letting it go, for now. He put the papers back into the book and started going over the assignment with me.

Just as we finished, Soda burst through the door, Steve in tow. I slid over so I was right up against Darry.

"We found 'em," Soda said. He was giddy.

"They ain't gonna bother you no more," Steve said. I made sure not to look at him, afraid that I would see that terrible look in his eyes again.

Two-Bit came in behind them, looking no better, but no worse, than he had when he left. He crashed immediately into Dad's chair. I took a good look at Soda and saw that he had a bruise on his cheek, but looked otherwise okay. I knew that there was no way that Darry could have kept him home- a fight, to Soda, was fun and excitement- two things that he hadn't had a whole lot of lately. He actually seemed happy, for the moment.

It was already much later than Darry usually let me stay up on a school night; Soda being out must have made him forget about making me go to bed. And Soda coming home made him remember.

"Scout, bedtime," he slapped me on the knee. He handed me my math book and I went back to my room, knowing there was no chance at all for sleep until I knew that Steve had left the house. Finally, as I lay in bed, I heard him leave, bidding farewell to Two-Bit, who I was kind of glad would be spending the night on the couch. One more barrier between me and Steve, I thought.

I finally fell asleep just before one, my hand curled around my knife.


	31. The Mistake

The next Saturday morning, after a particularly unsuccessful night of sleeping, largely due to the fact that Steve had had a fight with his father and was sleeping on our couch, I must have finally dozed off in the early hours of the morning. It was a gray, rainy day, so I never woke up to the sun shining into my room. I was having a dream- not necessarily a nightmare, but one of those dreams where everything feels confusing and wrong, when all of a sudden I felt someone's hand on me.

I awoke with a start, screaming, and flawlessly executed what Tim had taught me. I grabbed his arm and twisted, pinned him onto the bed, jumped on his legs and raised the knife in the air.

"Get _off_ me! Don't touch me! I'll kill you! I swear I'll kill you!" Compared to practicing it with Tim, it had actually been easy, as this time I had the element of surprise on my side.

A second later Darry's voice was pure panic in the doorway as he flicked the light on. "Scout, what the hell are you doing? It's _Soda_! _Scout!_" I could barely hear him, it was like I was in a trance. I didn't feel like I was the person holding the knife, it was like I was watchng myself, in a movie.

I finally looked down, breathing heavily, my whole body shaking. Soda looked up at me, fairly terrified.

"It's me, Scout! It's _me_. I was just coming in to wake you up. Jesus! It's just me!"

Darry had come running over and taken the knife out of my hand and closed it.

Immediately, lashed out at Soda.

"You _scared _me, Soda! I thought you were him! _God!_ I thought it was _him!_" I didn't want to start crying, that was not exactly part of the whole badass routine I had practiced with Tim, but I wasn't sure if I could stop it. My whole body was still trembling. I collapsed down onto Soda and he wrapped his arms around me, as I beat my fists against his chest. "_Don't_ sneak up on me like that, Soda! God, you scared me to death! _Don't do that!_"

Soda had no idea how to react to my overreaction, and was holding me tight, trying to stop me from shaking. "I'm sorry Scout. I didn't mean to scare you. I just came in to wake you up. We used to wake you up like that all the time. I wasn't trying to scare you. You're okay."

I didn't bother to state the obvious, that things had changed, that sneaking up on me was no longer just a harmless prank.

"Well, it looks like I'm up now," I said, still shaking and crying. I knew there was going to be some explaining to do. Darry was staring at me, puzzled. Soda still looked absolutely stunned that I had just pinned him down and held a knife to him.

"Where'd you get the blade?" Darry asked, pointedly. "And don't even try to tell me you don't know."

I thought about it. I had never actually told Tim that I wouldn't tell Darry that he got it for me. It had just kind of been understood that I wouldn't.

"Out with it, Scout, _now_. Was it Two-Bit?"

"No."

"Steve?"

"_No_." I actually got it to kill him, I thought.

"Then who? Fess up. Who the hell gives a twelve year old girl a switchblade?"

"I _asked_ for it, Darry, he didn't just give it to me."

"_Who_, Scout?"

"Tim." I gave in. I had a big enough secret already. "Tim Shepard."

"You're hanging around with Shepard now? He's letting you play with deadly fucking weapons?"

"Did I look like I was _playing_, Darry? There's nothing about this that's fun. At all. I'm not _playing!_" I didn't mean to be yelling, but with all the adrenaline running through my body, it was hard to control it.

"Jesus Christ, he gave you a knife, Scout. A _deadly_ knife. You should know, for Christ's sake, that's how Johnny killed that Soc. You don't just give a kid a knife. Fucking Shepard… I'll kill him."

"I told you, he didn't just _give_ it to me, Darry. In fact, he _wouldn't_ give it to me until he made me practice about a million times how to use it and how to stop somebody bigger than me from hurting me with my own knife. He wouldn't give it to me 'til I could at least kinda fight off someone as strong as him. He made me earn it."

"Darry, she knew what she was doing. You saw her." Soda sounded a little bit impressed. "She pinned me, for real."

"So, Scout, you're telling me you spent time rolling around on your bed with Tim Shepard practicing fighting over a _knife_? When the hell was _this_?"

"Last week. He picked me up from school. Pony saw me go with him."

"Pony never said Tim was here."

"Well…he wasn't. He took me somewhere else."

"Jesus Christ, Scout. He took you home to _his_ _bed_? Christ." He closed his eyes and started rubbing his forehead. I felt like I was watching him age five years before my face.

I didn't really know which would be worse- Darry thinking of me in Tim's bed, or the truth.

"Not exactly."

"Would you just tell me the whole truth, Scout. Please. I don't have the patience for this right now. I just saw you nearly cut our brother wide open. I think you can have the decency to tell us what the hell is going on here. The _whole_ story." Darry looked pretty upset, and I could tell he was having to work very hard not to yell.

I knew he was right. I owed an explanation. I took a deep breath.

"Fine, Darry. Look, I'm scared. I've been scared _all the time_ since I got hurt. All I think about it that he's going to come back and get me again. I couldn't sleep at all and I couldn't take it. When Tim came over here to see me that time right after, he said to call him if I ever needed anything. So, after a while of being exhausted all the time, I started to think maybe I'd feel safer if I had something to fight back with, that maybe I could actually sleep.

They both were staring at me, listening.

"I know you guys would never let me have any kind of weapon, and if I asked Two-Bit he'd rat me out right away. I guess it's the kind of thing I woulda asked Dally for help with, but he's gone. So I thought of Tim, and I called him. He agreed to meet me."

Soda was wide-eyed, loving every minute of this story. Nothing I did normally was ever exciting enough for him, but pulling a knife on him had upped the interest factor quite a bit.

"I lied to you Darry. I'm sorry. That night I told you I was going to Ben's to help with his essay, he waited in the lot with me for Tim. I told him about not feeling safe and I asked him to get me something to fight back with, and he said he would help me out."

Darry's eyes were closed, and he was shaking his head.

"Then the next day he showed up after school with the knife. I wanted him to just give it to me but he told me I couldn't have it 'til he was satisfied I knew how to use it. He was worried I'd hurt myself. So he pretended to attack me and taught me how to fight back until he was convinced I could."

"In his _bed_. Christ," Darry muttered.

"No, actually..." I said, hesitating. I stared at the floor. "At Buck's."

I guess that _was_ worse than thinking of me in Tim's bed. Darry fairly exploded.

"Jesus _Christ_, Scout! Shepard took you into a room at Buck's? What the hell were you _thinking_? I've told you a million times that nothing good goes on at that place! And you let him take you in there? What the _hell_ is wrong with you, Scout? Where is your goddamned common sense these days?"

I supposed I had expected _him_ to be mad, but my own reaction surprised me.

"What's _wrong_ with me, Darry? Well, I'll _tell _you what's wrong!" I yelled. "I'm scared, all the time! I guess it's pretty easy for you all to forget about what happened to me, but it sure isn't for me! I couldn't sleep at all afterward- I still can't! That's why I was falling asleep everywhere in the day! I couldn't even think in school, I could hardly even keep my head up! That's why I'm failing all my tests!"

The frustration and anger was building in me, about to take over.

"Every night I lay outside your door, Darry, on the kitchen floor, _not_ sleeping, because every noise I heard sounded like someone coming into the house to hurt me again, and I was afraid if I was in my own room nobody would hear and come to help me. I couldn't so much as close my eyes at night without being terrified. He's _gonna_ come back, I know it! He's gonna come back because he didn't get what he was after the first time, and I am _scared to death_!" I picked up my pillow and threw it, knocking all sorts of things off my desk and dresser.

"I hate this! I hate who I am! I'm a coward and I'm scared and I can't do anything right now without being scared and messing it up and then everybody just gets worried and then we fight and _I hate it_! I _hate it_ that this happened to me! _Why_ did this have to happen to me? Why can't I just get over it? Why can't I just make it go away?" I was screaming, crying tears of anger; basically, to my embarrassment, throwing a tantrum.

Darry sat me down and just held on to me for a couple of minutes until I calmed down enough to be able to talk again. He just held me tight, let me cry and yell, and do what I had to do. Finally, I spoke again.

"Look, Tim offered to help and I accepted. And I don't care if you think he's an asshole for it, because he not only got me the knife so I can get a few hours of sleep at night, he actually took the time to teach me how to fight back if it ever happens again. None of you seemed too eager to teach me that. I felt helpless, but Tim taught me to not be. The same exact thing could happen again but Tim taught me how to at least _try_ to prevent it."

Soda spoke thoughtfully, after a pause. "Scout, we never taught you how to fight because we don't want you to turn into the kind of troublemaker Angela Shepard is. That's not who you are."

"Well, there's a difference between being a troublemaker and knowing how to protect yourself, Soda. If he came back for me, he would have been able to do exactly the same thing as he did to me the first time, before Tim showed me what to do. Nobody around here seemed to want to teach me how to defend myself, so I went and found somebody who would."

Nobody talked. I could tell they were thinking about what I had said.

"You _know_ I'm right, Darry." I said. "You and Soda are good fighters, but that doesn't mean you go around starting trouble just to start it. Me knowing how to throw a punch isn't gonna turn me into Angela Shepard. In fact, nothing could possibly turn me into Angela Shepard. She could probably kick you and Soda's butts combined."

Darry laughed softly. "You're probably right."

"Stuff happens, Darry. What about the time you guys forgot to pick me up and I had to walk home? Even Tim said, it was a good thing nobody tried anything with me, because all I know how to do is run, and I'm too small to run fast enough to get away from anyone. Maybe you wouldn't have to worry so much about me all the time if you felt like I might be able to fight back. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to be totally helpless."

"Point taken," he said. He hardly ever admitted I was right.

Soda spoke up. "I know this sounds dumb, but, you know, I _do_ feel kind of bad it had to be somebody else's brother, who taught you how to fight back, Scout. You're right. You're _not_ a troublemaker, but enough trouble comes our way without us looking for it that we shoulda made sure you knew how to look out for yourself. I mean, we taught Pony and Johnny how to protect themselves, best we could. You're _our_ sister, after all. It's our job."

"Yeah, well, don't worry," I assured him. "You can still show me plenty. I'm pretty sure my training with Tim was a one-shot deal. The only way I know how to fight back is from my bed with a knife under my pillow. Somebody jumps me standing up, and I have no knife, I'm a dead girl."

"Scout, you are _not_ walking around with a switchblade. That's just asking for trouble." Darry was always thinking.

"I don't want to walk around with it, Darry. Just sleep with it."

Darry picked up the knife and fidgeted with it. He spoke without looking up.

"Scout, first of all, none of us has just 'gotten over' what happened to you. I think about it all the time, and it still makes me sick and angry. We didn't know you were still so afraid, or not sleeping. We don't know this stuff if you don't tell us. We can't read your mind."

"I know," I said. I was still hiding the biggest secret of all from that night, and I felt pretty terrible about it. It just hung over me, all the time.

"Why on Earth," Darry continued, "instead of sleeping on the kitchen floor, didn't you just ask one of us to sleep in your room with you? You know we would have. You have an extra bed, even! I still will, if you want."

I hesitated to answer because I knew it would sound stupid. I stared at the floor while I tried to decide what I wanted to say.

"I didn't want you to know how scared I was, because I'm trying so hard to get you to stop treating me like I am five instead of twelve all the time. I felt like if you knew I was afraid you'd just have another reason to treat me like a baby. I guess that's why I went to Tim, too. I don't care if he thinks of me as a stupid little scared kid, but I care what you guys think of me. What happened to me wasn't even my fault, but it probably just makes you want to give me even less freedom, while I'm trying to get more. I don't wanna have to be locked up in the house all the time, or have a babysitter everywhere I go."

"Scout, you know I sleep with Pony because he gets scared." Soda said, gently. "This doesn't make us think of you as a baby. Something really scary happened to you. Its not like you are afraid of monsters under the bed or something imaginary. You have every right to be scared. I just wish you would have told us how bad it has been. We want to help you."

"So then help me be tougher, so I can look out for myself better. Or did I scare you too much, Soda?"

He laughed. "Yeah, okay, baby. Me and Stevie will toughen you up."

My insides froze and I tried to not let it show on the outside. Tim teaching me to fight had required me to trust him enough to put his hands on me. I had allowed that because I truly trusted that he would not hurt me. There was no way I would ever let Steve touch me again. I would kill him first.

"Can't we just keep this one in the family?" I asked. "Brothers are supposed to teach their sisters to take care of themselves, not brother's friends."

Darry looked at Soda. "That sounds reasonable," he said.

"Good," I said.

Soda got up. "Well, now that you're up… I better go reheat breakfast. At least I'm still alive to do it. Didn't realize I was taking my life in my hands coming in here to wake you up," he teased.

"Sorry, Soda," I said. He turned and winked at me and left. I heard him talking to Ponyboy in the hall, who had slept through the whole thing. I only wished I could have found such a deep sleep.

Darry was still toying with the knife. I slid over next to him.

"Can I keep it, Darry?"

He looked down at me. "I don't know, Scout. I don't think it's a great idea. Not to mention it's illegal for you to have it."

"Just at night? It helps me sleep."

"Well, I'm gonna sleep in here, for the next few days anyway. You can't be staying awake all night and then trying to stay awake in school. I promise you, nothing will happen to you with me in here."

That was certainly the truth. I dared anyone to get through Darry to get to me.

"You don't have to Dar-"

"I want to," he interrupted. He paused, and I could see that he was hesitating to say something.

"So… Shepard… did he treat you okay? He didn't actually hurt you or anything, did he?"

"No. I did cut him though."

Darry laughed. "The hell you did!"

"No, I really did."

"And he didn't kill you?"

I really wished he could have seen how Tim had treated me.

"He was nothing but nice to me. If he had ever did anything to scare me, I wouldn't have trusted him. I hate to ruin his reputation by saying this, but he's actually a nice guy. He's nowhere near as much like Dallas as I thought. He reminds me a lot of you, actually."

Darry laughed at the comparison.

"Hey, Dar?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't fight with him over this. He was just trying to help me- to look out for me like Dally would have. He's trying to fill Dally's shoes, I guess. He never would have given it to me if I didn't ask for it. And even then he wouldn't just give it to me."

"I won't, baby. But next time you are having a problem like this, could you have a little faith in me that I might be able to help you out before you go running to someone _else's_ big brother?

I realized I had hurt his feelings by going to Tim. Why do I do these things that keep hurting my brothers, the people I love most.

"I will, Darry. I promise."

"I just wish you woulda come to me first."

"Would you have got me a knife?"

"Never," he laughed. "But I woulda slept in your room, and made sure you were safe."

"I guess now's your chance," I said. "You're better with a knife than me anyway."

"Well, I don't know… You learned from Shepard. He's no slouch."

"I'd rather learn from you and Soda. Pony got anything worth teaching?"

"Well, he's still climbing the learning curve. But don't hurt his feelings by telling him that. With your lessons from Shepard, you could probably take him. But you won't tell."

"I won't," I said.

But, of course there was still that other huge secret.

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**So? Looks like no more knife for Scout. Review me!**


	32. The Eyes

Saturday night was typically a loud night in our house, spent playing cards, watching TV, and listening to music. This particular week, Ben had come over and Two-Bit graced us with his presence, opting to drink his beers at our house instead of going out. Ben and I were playing poker with Soda and Two-Bit, Two-Bit having one bad hand after another, and finally quitting. I'm out, he said, just as Steve came in.

"Deal me in, Soda," he said, taking Two-Bit's seat, and I felt a chill rising up my back. I looked up at him, and, for that one second, I saw that look in his eyes, that absence of emotion, that inhuman combination of anger and violence.

I looked away immediately, feeling my heart rate quicken. I _hadn't_ imagined it, then. What I saw in his eyes, then, was exactly what I had seen that night. Seeing him looking at me in the car mirror, it had been gone. It had just been…well, Steve. But these eyes were something else altogether. Nobody else seemed to notice.

I managed to spend the entire night completely ignoring him. He made it easy enough, since he never directly addressed me or even, from what I could tell, looked at me. I stared at my cards or down at the table, and, even at the end, with Soda and Ben out and just the two of us still playing, I never met his eye. I beat him, with a full house over his three queens, and he seemed none too happy, though I never opened my mouth to rub it in. I even thought I did a pretty good job of trying to act normal, though I made absolutely sure that I was always within reach of Ben or Soda.

It didn't matter, though, because the boys gave him enough crap for all of us.

"Stevie lost to a girl!" Two-Bit egged him on, while Soda played along.

"Don't worry, Steve, we'll keep on practicing, you'll get 'er next time!" Soda said. "I can work in some private lessons for you down at the DX."

Oh, come on, it ain't that bad, Steve, I mean, she's only-what, _five_ years younger than you? And Soda just taught her five-card stud _last week_, so she does have a lot of experience!" Steve hated it when Ponyboy sassed him lake that. I could see him getting more and more angry and, had I not wanted to be alone, I would have gotten out of there.

I honestly just wished they would stop. The last thing I wanted was for Steve to have reason to be mad at me, even if I really hadn't done anything. The ignorance thing worked okay for me, if I had to be around him at all. They didn't let up, however, and by the time he left, he was so pissed off that he kicked over the coffee table on the way out.

"Fuck y'all anyway," he yelled, "I got better places to be!" And with a good slam of the door, he was gone.

"What the hell's his problem, anyway?" Two-Bit asked. Darry stared at the door, with a look that I knew meant he was thinking about saying something, but might not. He didn't.

"Must be his time of the month," Soda joked, and I am sure I turned red. _That_ still hadn't happened for me, but I had stopped even thinking about it. I had enough to worry about already.

Everyone had a good laugh at his expense, but I had a bad feeling about it all. I had seen Steve's anger at its very worst. I was more than happy to accept Darry's insistence to sleep in my room with me that night.

I even asked him to sleep in my regular bed, near the door, and I took the one farthest from the door and window, against the wall. While he was out brushing his teeth, I pulled the other bed over closer to mine. He walked in and caught me in the act.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing," I lied, knowing that he knew exactly what I was doing.

"It's that bad, huh?"

"It's pretty bad."

"I have an idea," he said, and pushed his twin bed flush up against mine. We both looked down to see the huge collection of dust he had revealed by moving the bed and laughed.

"I don't sweep in here, so much…" I admitted, and went into the kitchen closet to grab the broom. I swept up the pile and returned to find Darry lying back on his bed.

"Slumber party time," he said. He reached over and pulled back the covers on my bed.

"You really don't have to do this, Darry."

"I want to. Payback for last time you stayed with me." I remembered after Mom and Dad had died and I had climbed into his bed to comfort him. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Darry had become so solid in his position as our guardian since then. I couldn't believe he had ever doubted himself like that. I was surprised he still remembered it.

I shut out the light and climbed in against the wall. It did feel so safe, again, to have Darry between me and anything bad that might be out there.

We didn't fall asleep right away. I could hear Pony and Soda talking next door.

"Can you always hear them?" Darry asked.

"Pretty much."

"Can you hear what they're talking about?"

"Not usually, unless they're fighting."

"They fight?"

"Sometimes."

"About what?"

"Stupid stuff. Shutting out the light, stuff like that." For some reason Darry found that funny.

As if on cue, we heard Soda yelling at Pony to "shut the goddamn window Pony, it's like _Canada_ in here for Chrissakes!"

Darry and I both giggled. "Canada?" Darry asked. "That's the best he could come up with?" We both laughed even harder.

"What the hell are you two doing in there?" Soda called. It had never occurred to me that they could hear what was going on in my room, too. I never had anyone to talk to, so they must not have realized either. They probably never even knew I could hear them. I had never talked back through the wall.

"_Canada_, Soda? Seriously?" Darry was still laughing.

"It's goddamned cold in Canada," he said. I could hear Pony smacking him on the head with a pillow, followed by the general ruckus of a pillow fight.

"It's no wonder Scout gets no sleep, she has to listen to the two of you and your nonsense all night."

"Seriously, you guys can hear us?" Pony was surprised.

"Clear as day." Darry.

"Scout, you never told us you listen in on our conversations." Soda.

"I _don't_ listen," I said. "I try to shut it out. I'm trying to sleep in here and it's annoying. I can only tell what you're saying when you fight. Or now, when you're actually talking _to_ me."

"Good to know." That was Pony. "'Night guys," he said.

"'Night," Darry and I both said.

Pony and Soda must have switched to whispering, so Darry and I did too.

"So I guess I'm the only one who can't hear anybody else's conversations at night, huh?"

"You're lucky." I said. "Sometimes it just makes me feel lonely. That's partly why I came in your room that night, after mom and dad died. I heard them talking and felt alone and scared because I was alone. I was kinda surprised that you even remembered that, it seems like so long ago."

"Actually, when you and Pony were gone, I thought about that night a lot. I was afraid I wouldn't get to return the favor. I worried you were alone and scared wherever you were. That's part of why I wanted to stay in here with you. I really held on to that memory while you were gone."

I was stunned.

"Darry, when I was lost, in the woods, and I was alone, and scared, and sick- I dreamed about that night. I dreamed I was back there that night, with you."

We both were quiet. I guess we both realized we might have been thinking the same thing, at the same time. I would have never thought that about Darry and me.

"Well, thanks for staying in here with me. I do feel safer." I did.

"Well, no knife for you tonight. I don't want to roll over and accidentally touch you and find a knife at my throat."

I reached over and smacked him on the chest.

"See, you _do_ pick fights like Angela Shepard."

"That's right. Be nice or I'll kick your butt. I highly doubt that Angela's afraid to sleep in her room alone at night, though," I added.

Darry laughed quietly.

"'Night, Scout. Sleep tight tonight, you got your own personal bodyguard."

I smacked him softly again.

"'Night. Darry."

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**All in good time, my friends. The truth will come out. Thanks for reviewing, as always, it makes my day!**


	33. The Rock

Darry fell asleep before I did. I heard his breathing turn regular and his soft snoring begin. I didn't find the snoring annoying, I actually felt it to be reassuring. His soft snore was like a white noise – as long as I heard it next to me, it signaled that all was well.

I had fallen asleep to that sound, but something else awoke me in the night. It sounded like tapping at my window. Normally any foreign sound would have spelled the end of sleep for me for the entire night. Hearing it, or _thinking_ I heard it, anyway, I sat up straight and focused. I reached under my pillow for the knife, forgetting what had happened.

Darry reacted immediately, sitting up himself and turning to me.

"Scout, you okay?"

I was always a little shaky when I was awakened, and I'm sure I was breathing a little heavy, because I was always scared out of my mind. I probably panicked Darry more than was necessary.

"I'm okay," I whispered. "I just thought I heard something. I'm paranoid, Darry. Go to sleep. I'm sorry."

"You're okay," Darry pushed me back down softly and covered me with his arm. "Sleep, baby. I'm here. You're okay."

I fell back asleep immediately under his arm. I have no idea how long I slept, until I awoke with a start to something smashing through my window.

I shot straight up. Darry had already leapt out of bed.

"_Lay down, Scout!_" he yelled. "_Soda, Pony, get in here!_"

Immediately both Soda and Pony were in my doorway. Someone flicked on the light. I saw Darry staring out the window, which had been shattered. I was surprised to see the glint of the knife Tim had given me in his hand. I wondered where he had been keeping it, whether he'd had it under _his_ pillow. There was a large rock on the floor by the door. Pony moved to pick it up.

I looked down at the floor and noticed blood pooling around Darry's foot. "Darry, You're cut!"

He looked down. "Shit," he said. "Fucking glass."

"What the hell?" Pony looked a little scared. Maybe even more than I was. A part of me had expected this, after everyone pissed Steve off so much. Plus, he had already smelled like beer when he had come over, had a few beers while we played cards, and had probably gone out drinking even more after he left.

"It was him," I said. "I knew he would come back. I knew it."

For a moment I panicked that I had revealed my secret, but then I realized nobody knew Steve was the _him_ I was talking about.

Soda just looked furious. He stared out the broken window, being careful not to step on the broken glass.

"He's gone, Soda. Obviously he isn't gonna stick around. He just wanted to scare me."

"Or piss _me_ off," Darry said. "Coulda been those guys Tim set straight the other night, the ones mad about the jobs." I supposed that was a possibility, but I doubted it.

Soda offered a few choice curse words out into the yard.

"Sit down, Darry," I said. "Let me see your foot." I was surprised that he did sit right down. I picked up his foot as it dripped blood onto the floor. Pony turned away. Ever since the Soc incident, he can't really handle blood very well.

"Sit down, Pony, before you pass out," Darry ordered, and he did, sitting next to him on the bed.

"Soda, can you get a towel?" I couldn't see the cut for all the blood. I needed something to wipe it off.

"Why are you so goddamned calm, Scout? Isn't this exactly what you said you were so scared of?" I was right; Pony was unnerved.

"No," I said. "I'm afraid of getting attacked again, not some jerk throwing a rock through my window." I realized they had no idea who was behind all this, so it was probably a lot more ominous to them. From my perspective, if Steve was resorting to throwing rocks through my window, he actually seemed like less of a threat. He was getting careless, and, basically, just plain stupid. There was no way my brothers weren't going to hear a window shattering.

Soda handed me a wet towel, and I wiped Darry's foot. The cut wasn't that deep, but it was in a bad spot, right on the arch of his foot. I realized it would just keep opening again unless it got stitched. I looked at the clock. It was three-fifteen.

"You need stitches, Darry. But, for now I'll just wrap it." It was understood that Ben's mom would stitch him up later. She was our neighborhood free clinic.

I wadded up some gauze and wrapped a bandage around the whole thing. Soda was sweeping up the glass and cleaning up the blood on the floor.

"You think he'll come back?" Pony asked nervously. I felt bad, here was Pony, afraid of _my_ attacker.

"No. Not tonight." I was pretty sure of it. He had to know that everyone was awake now. It was occurring to me that it made no sense at all for him to have done this. I wondered if maybe he was actually going crazy.

"We should try to sleep," Soda said. "We can just lock the door into here." Even Soda, now, was worried about the open window.

"You wanna come into my room?" Darry asked.

"I guess…" I said. "Soda, help him in. If he steps on the foot it's gonna open up again."

Soda escorted a hopping Darry into his bed. I stood at the door.

"Get in," Darry said. "New slumber party's in my room."

"I'm glad Darry was in there with you, Scout," Soda said. I realized I was too, that I would have been scared out of my mind had I awakened to that alone, but having Darry there had allowed me to stay calm.

"Me too," I said. "Thanks, Darry."

"Yeah, well your personal bodyguard isn't exactly supposed to injure himself."

Well, now you got a personal nurse," I said, climbing into bed. Soda and Pony headed back down to their room, snapping off the light.

"Hey, Scout?"

"Yeah?"

"I never did ask you, why _was_ your window wide open that night?"

"So I could keep the front door locked in case Soda came home early. He made me promise to stay in and lock the door."

"So you snuck out?"

"Yeah… Then Ben climbed back in to open the front door to let me back in. Then he climbed out the window when he left. I never got up to shut it." Not that it had actually mattered, anyway, it wasn't like Steve had come in that way.

"Maybe instead of fixing the glass, I should just leave the thing boarded up through your teenage years," Darry suggested.

I laughed, a little.

"Maybe," I said, turning over and settling into the pillow.

Somehow, it seemed, admitting my fear had loosened its hold on me. Despite what had just happened, I feel almost immediately back asleep, the white noise and security that was Darry forming a barrier between me and any bad things that could happen.

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**A/N: Sorry, kinda short. I know… well, they can't **_**all**_** be three thousand word chapters! Thanks for reviewing, I have over 300! You guys rock!**


	34. The Stitches

We all slept in the next morning. I awoke curled into a ball, with my back and Darry's against each other. I lay there for a while reevaluating what had happened the night before. I felt pretty proud of myself for not having fallen apart. I knew I had Tim and Darry to thank for my new confidence. I was still scared, but only when I was alone. As long as I had some backup, I was doing okay. Better, anyway, and that felt good.

I felt Darry start to stir and I sat up.

"Morning, bodyguard," I said. "Time to get up. Gonna get some stitches today."

He turned to look at me, his head still on the pillow. "What if I don't want any?" he asked sleepily.

"I'm your personal nurse," I said. "You get no say."

"I see," he said.

"You stay here," I said, slipping out of the bed. "I'll get the boys and we'll make breakfast. Stay off the foot."

He grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving.

"Scout, Why are you so calm about all this all of a sudden? You were a mess when nothing was happening - now somebody tried to scare you again last night, and you're okay?"

"I don't know. I guess I just… I don't feel so alone anymore." I meant it. Between Tim and my brothers' help, and me finally admitting that the fear had been controlling me, and _letting_ people help, I felt supported. I didn't feel _as_ alone.

"You were never alone before, either."

"I guess I just felt like it."

"Well, don't. You got all of us on your side."

Well, _almost _all, I thought.

"I know, now. Do you want anything? Coffee?"

"That would be great."

"Two sugars?"

"How'd you know that?"

"I listen, Darry. I pay attention. I remember things."

"You're funny," he grinned.

"Yeah, well, I could say the same about you."

I closed the door behind me and left. I started the coffee in the kitchen, having seen Darry do it a million times, then went into my room and changed into my clothes, eyeing the shattered window and wondering what on _Earth_ Steve had been thinking. I went to wake up Pony and Soda, knocking on their door only to find them already awake and lying in bed.

"Guys, can you handle breakfast? I'm gonna get Ben's Mom for Darry's foot."

They both looked at me.

"Are you okay, Scout? I mean, after what happened last night?" Pony asked.

"I'm fine."

"Really?" he asked, and I could tell he meant it. He wanted to know. Honestly, I was surprised, myself, at how calm I was about the whole thing.

"Yeah, I am. I'm kinda… a little better, actually."

"We're not gonna let anything happen to you again. You know that, right?"

"I know," I lied. Though I was starting, a little bit, to believe them. Now that they knew how scared I was I think they were all going out of their way to make me feel safer. And it was working.

"You guys got breakfast?"

"We got it," Soda answered.

"Don't let Darry get up," I said, and headed out the door. "Bring him a coffee. Two sugars."

"What does he think this is, a hotel?" I heard Soda say as I headed out the front door.

I knocked on the door at Ben's house to find him and Kevin at the table, his Mom cooking at the stove.

Ben came to get me at the door. "'Morning," I said. He kissed me on the cheek, out of sight of Kevin and his mom.

"What's up?" he asked. "Want some breakfast?" Kevin nodded to acknowledge me. Kevin sometimes reminded me a little bit of Tim. He didn't say much, but if you needed him, he was there for you in a second.

"No, thanks - Soda's cooking for us." I paused. "Actually, I wanted to ask you a favor, Mrs. Cummings."

She seemed surprised. "Well, okay. What's that, Scout?" she asked.

"Well, Darry got cut last night, on some glass. I think he needs stitches. Do you think…"

"Of course," she interrupted.

"What happened?" Ben asked. "Why does he need stitches?" I hesitated to say. It probably sounded worse than it was.

"Someone threw a rock through my window. Darry stepped on the glass."

"Someone threw a _rock _at your window?" Ben was upset. Even Kevin looked concerned.

"It was nothing," I said. "Someone was just trying to scare me, or us. Darry was right there. He just got cut. He's okay, but it just is right on his arch and if it doesn't get stitches it will probably just keep opening up. I don't know, maybe he doesn't need them… you'd know better than me. So, I mean, whenever you get a chance, Mrs. Cummings, if you could come look at it…"

"I'll be over as soon as I get this finished up, honey," she said.

"It doesn't sound like nothing to me," Ben said as I was leaving.

"She's coming over," I told Darry, as I sat down to breakfast. He had totally ignored my orders and was walking around on his foot.

"Great," Darry said. He hated being fawned over.

Just as we finished up, Ben and Mrs. Cummings showed up at the back door.

"I hear you need some stitches, Darrel?"

"I guess so," he said.

I went into his room and sat with him on the bed. I watched everything she did. I was determined, without anyone knowing, that I could stitch the next one of us up who needed it. It didn't scare, or bother me at all. I knew I would be able to do it next time. I just needed to see how it was done. I was always pretty interested in medical stuff, and was thinking of going into nursing, though I hadn't told anyone that.

"Anything else you all need?" she asked, tying off the last stitch.

"I don't think so," Darry said. "Thanks, Karla." Ben's mom insisted that he call her by her first name, now that they were, as she said, "both adults". Usually he forgot, though.

"Thanks, really, Mrs. Cummings."

"Scout, you know I'd do anything for your family." I did. But still I hated to ask.

"Alright, then. Bye, guys." She left out the front door. "Let's go Benjamin, you got dishes to wash!" she called as she crossed the yard. Ben rolled his eyes and made a quick exit.

Soda and Pony were still at the table. I joined them and, in a second, Darry hobbled out from his room.

"How many?" Soda asked.

"Twelve," Darry said. Pony and Soda both looked at me, and I nodded.

"Nice!" Pony said. The boys had a running competition about who had had the most stitches, starting at age thirteen, since they couldn't prove how many they had before then. Not surprisingly, before he died, Dallas had been in the lead, but Darry, with all of his football and roofing injuries, had not been far behind. Kevin and Ben were in the running, too, though a few years ago the gang had suspected Kevin of having his mom stitch him up when it wasn't truly necessary, just to pad his numbers. I was not allowed to play (the rationale being that they did not want to encourage a girl to injure herself) which was fine with me, since the whole thing seemed idiotic anyway. Who in their right mind _wants_ stitches?

"So what are we doing today?" Soda wanted to be entertained.

I had a thought but wasn't sure how it would be received.

"I'd kinda like to get out of here," I said. "Anyone besides me feel like taking a road trip?" I suggested.

"What are you thinking?" Soda seemed up for it.

"Keystone?" We used to go there for day trips with our parents. It was a state park, with a big lake, about a half an hour away.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Darry said. I was surprised, I had thought he would be the hard sell. We hadn't been there since they died.

"I'm in." Soda was usually up for anything, really.

Pony was the last to agree. "I'll go," he said. I knew he was only hesitating because of all the memories there.

"Do you guys mind if Ben comes?" I asked. They didn't. I guess while I went to ask him, Two-Bit had arrived and invited himself along, because when we got back he was helping Darry pack lunches.

"Two-Bit, you comin' with us?" I asked.

"You invitin' me?"

"Yes. You accepting?"

"I am."

"Great. Darry, what do you want me to do?"

"Go pack the truck." I knew what he meant. When we went out to the lake with our parents we brought chairs, a football, a radio, all that stuff.

Kevin wandered over while I was outside, and helped me lift a lawn chair into the back of the truck.

"Where's Ben?" I asked.

"He's coming," Kevin said. "My mom is making him pick up his room before he goes anywhere."

Ben's mom was kind of a neat freak.

"Is Darry inside?" he asked.

"Yeah, you can go in," I said. "He's in the kitchen."

"Actually, could you get him for me? I need to talk to him about something, in private."

"Is it about me and Ben?" I asked. What, were they coordinating their non-stop surveillance of the two of us, now, I wondered.

"What is it with you two," he joked. "It's not always about _you_, you know… it's about something else."

"Okay," I said, eyeing him skeptically.

I went into the house to get Darry, sending him walking gingerly on his stitches out into the yard where Kevin waited. They moved over toward Kevin's porch, and I watched out the window as they talked.

Two-Bit stood next to me, also watching.

"What do you suppose that's all about?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said, watching Darry's expression change into a frown. Kevin looked almost apologetic, shaking his head and looking down at the ground while he talked. Darry reached out and grabbed Kevin's shoulder, looking him in the eyes and patting him on the back before making his way back. Two-Bit and I both moved out of the window as he turned back toward the house, not wanting him to know that we had been spying, but it wasn't so quickly that I couldn't see the look on his face.

He didn't look happy.

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**A/N: I promise- this week, all (or most, anyway) will be revealed. Thank you for reviewing.**


	35. The Informant

I rode out in the back of the truck with Ben, Pony, and Two-bit. I almost fell asleep on the ride with my head in all of their laps- they all were sitting up against the cab while I lay down in the bed. Even though I was sleeping better, I still felt like I needed to catch up on all the sleep I had missed. _Actually_ falling asleep would have been a challenge, because Soda was driving. It would be unfair to call Soda a _bad_ driver, he was actually quite skilled at taking corners on two wheels and stopping in an unbelievably short amount of road- perhaps _unconventional _might be a better word. Along with Two-Bit, he viewed most road signs as suggestions rather than hard and fast rules. Somehow, though, he had never gotten a ticket.

When we got to the park, we claimed a spot on a grassy area by the lake and set up our chairs and blankets. I lay down on the grass, listening to the radio and enjoying the sunshine, while most of the guys played football. Darry sat in the chair and read a book, unable to join in the rough stuff due to his stitches. I was just too lazy to get up and join in the game.

"Hey, Darry?"

"Yeah?"

"What was Kevin talking to you about this morning? Was it about me and Ben?"

He hesitated, which I took for a yes, until he did reply.

"No. It didn't have anything to do with you." His voice was tense, upset. I felt bad for bringing it up, like I had ruined his ability to relax.

"Is it something bad?"

"Look, forget it, okay? It has nothing to do with you."

"Okay." I didn't want to make him mad.

"Darry?"

"Scout, I'm trying to read."

"Oh, sorry," I said, but didn't stop talking. "Do you think maybe next weekend Anna and I could go to the movies?"

"I guess so. Why are you asking me now?"

"Maybe you and Alison could go, too."

"Scout, would you lay off about that?"

"Why? I know you like each other! It's a good excuse to go on a date. You could go to the movies with her, then go out after. You could drop me and Anna off at her house, like last time."

"She works on the weekend."

"She would take it off if you _asked her_ _out_, Darry. Even Mr. Harvey likes you."

He looked down at me, lying there.

"You know, Scout, it's nice to have the old you back. But seriously, lay off, would ya?"

"Okay," I agreed, "but just think about it. I _like_ her."

"I like her too, but it isn't always that easy."

"Just don't use _us_ as an excuse, okay? We all want you to be happy."

"I am happy," he said. But he didn't sound happy.

I was about to fall asleep, lying in the warm sunshine when suddenly somebody was on me, pinning my arms down, laughing. I could hear yelling, in the background.

"Two-Bit, don't. Don't do that to her… she's…"

I opened my eyes, already breathing heavy and starting to punch at him, to see Two-Bit, shocked, jumping off of me. From the look of him, I must have looked terrified, and he started apologizing immediately.

"Scooter, aw, shit, I forgot. I'm sorry, I mean… you know I ain't gonna hurt you…"

I sat up, catching my breath.

"It's okay, you just scared me." Darry was at my side, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry, Scout," Two-Bit said, again.

"I know. It's okay, Two-Bit. I'm gonna have to get over it, being around you guys all the time. It's just stupid, to be so scared."

"It ain't stupid…" he said, quietly. "_That_ was stupid, me scarin' you like that."

"Forget it," I said. "I thought you guys were supposed to be toughening me up, anyway."

"Yeah," Soda said, excited. "Now's a good time for your first lessons in getting tough."

I was up for it, with all the adrenaline Two-Bit's attack had sent coursing through my veins.

I stood up.

"Okay, so teach me," I said, going at Soda while he easily deflected my attempted punch.

"So, show me how to do that." I said.

Soda stood behind me, showing me what to do with my body, arms, and hands, while Two-Bit pretended to come at me. Darry coached from the lawn chair, while Pony and Ben, I think, were a little bit jealous. They'd never gotten lessons like this. By the time we were done, I felt confident that, against only one person, I _might_ be able to fight back, a little. Still, Steve was so much bigger than I was.

Finally, we all got hungry, and sat down to eat lunch. The afternoon was more of the same- napping in the sun, football, and just hanging out, listening to music.

Finally, in the late afternoon, we packed up and headed back home. Darry wanted Pony and me to get our homework done early enough that he wasn't going to have to be on our case all night. As Soda and Darry cleaned up after dinner, I finished mine and brought out my math for him to check.

"_You_ did this, right? Not Pony?"

I nodded. He looked it over, pointed out three mistakes, and, surprisingly, hugged me.

"What was that for?" I asked. "I screwed three up."

"It's good to have you back," he said. "The Scout who does her own homework," he added.

I just sat down and fixed the mistakes he caught. He checked again, handed it back to me, and I tossed the book and paper back onto my bed as I headed down to Ponyboy's room. I knocked at the door.

"What?" he asked.

"Can I come in?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, and I went in, closing the door behind me.

I sat down on his bed, not sure what to say, or how to say it.

"Thanks, Pony… for doing my homework. I just…"

"I know, Scout," he said. "I know. I'm sorry I couldn't do more… I just didn't know how…"

"I know," I said. "I understand." How _could_ he help, after what had happened to me, really?

"I really want to help you, but I don't know how."

Again, he was the only person who hadn't apologized, who hadn't pitied me, and I loved him for it.

"Just be my brother," I said.

"I can do that," he said, coming over and sitting next to me, putting his arm around me.

We sat there, like that, for a few minutes.

"Scout?" he finally said.

"What?" I asked, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"I started writing… like you said… about _them_."

It took a moment but I remembered, after Thanksgiving, telling Pony that he should write about Mom and Dad, so we would all remember them.

"You did?"

"Yeah. I couldn't, before… but, suddenly, I just feel like maybe I can."

"Can I read it?" I asked, tentatively. I knew it would be bittersweet. It hadn't even been a year.

Pony stood up and went to his desk, taking out a notebook, turning a few pages, and handing it to me.

I lay back on his pillow and started reading.

_THEIR HANDS_

_By Ponyboy Curtis_

_Their hands… I'll never forget their hands. How many times my own had held them – for comfort, for support, for confidence, for belonging. What little kid doesn't reach out in every moment of insecurity for one of his parents' hands, and take immeasurable comfort in its accepting grasp. It was their hands that, from the very beginning, protected me from harm. It was their hands that, bringing me home, held me safely above the curious fingers of the only other hands I ever completely trusted, those of my siblings. _

_Her hands. The softness, the gentle way in which she guided me along. She had held her hand over my own as we practiced the letters of my name._

"_That's right, baby," she whispered in my ear as for what seemed like the hundredth time we made a balloon with a stick. "P," she said. "P for Ponyboy." Over and over she held my hand as we practiced. P for Ponyboy. The warmth of her fingers over mine eventually caused us to meld into one; finally I realized that she had withdrawn her grasp and, shockingly, to my three-year-old self, I was forming the first letter of my own name all on my own._

"_You did it!" she exclaimed, and surrounded me with herself. My mother- her smell, the feeling of her arms around me, her hand over mine- I'll never forget it. Later that same day it was her gentle, loving hands that gingerly washed my newly scraped knee and smoothed the band-aid down over it. They were the same hands that smoothed back my hair while I cried, and rubbed my back when I was sick._

_Her hands worked magic in the kitchen, an art none of the rest of us would ever come to master as she had. Every Christmas, her hands guided mine and Scout's as we pressed the cookie cutters down into the flattened dough, and her hands lovingly slapped at my brothers' wrists as they attempted to steal away with the scraps._

_Her hands affected all of us in ways that no one else's could. Many a time, her steadying hand on one of his shoulders was all it took to bring Dallas down from dangerous to docile. None of the rest of us would have dared risk touching him, but her hands were capable of healing and soothing hurts that the rest of ours would never be. There was something magical about them._

_His hands were different, but no less influential. They surrounded my own as he taught me to cradle the football, to palm the threads in a way in which they became a part of myself, and only worked to my advantage in terms of traction as I tossed a long one as far as I could for Darry to catch. His hands would land under my arms after the throw and lift me up to his level, where he would embrace me and pull me in close, whispering in my ear. "Perfect."_

_His hands steadied the handlebars as I struggled to achieve the balance that Darry and Soda had already mastered on their bicycles. I was still too young, but Dad understood, and his strong hands on both me and the bike ensured that no great harm would come of my determination to learn._

_His hands were always at work for Darry and Soda. He taught Darry how to throw and catch, and how to fix anything that needed fixing around the house. Their hands, both of them, were just suited for tools. I never could handle anything more substantial than a screwdriver; but he always took me along, showing what hands could do, how they could solve a problem. His hands could solve most every one, it seemed to me._

_Dad would stand outside with Scout for hours, teaching her to shoot the basketball so it hardly even touched the rim as it went through, patting her gently on the back with each success._

_In Darry's case, Dad's hands had taught him to build, to create, to take separate pieces and to combine them together to make something. As for Soda, his hands worked to solve the problems that occurred in machinery. Guided by Dad's, Soda's hands learned to fix our cars, our appliances, our wiring. Between Darry and Soda, Dad's hands had already taught them how to fix everything we had before I was even old enough to learn._

_There was nothing left I needed to fix._

_So, both of them encouraged my hands to take a different direction. My hands were never empty, thanks to my parents, but instead of filling them with hammers or pliers, they filled my hands with pencils, crayons, anything that would encourage me to make my mark on this world._

_So make my mark I did. In pastels, paint, and my less-than perfect handwriting. I filled notebook after notebook, sketch pad after sketch pad. For the longest time, nobody ever asked to see what I wrote or drew except for Mom and Dad. They would run their fingers over the lines of my sketches, feeling them as much as seeing them. _

_Soda came in once while Dad was looking at a pastel piece that I had just finished, and, seeing Dad so enthralled, as he ran his fingers over the section where the yellow and purple met, Soda took interest. After that, he would ask to see my pictures, but he never felt the need to touch them, to feel them. Mom and Dad's hands had never taught him how. Just as I couldn't build things, or fix cars, his hands were meant for other things._

_Somehow, our parents' hands had always guided us down exactly the path that was intended for each of us._

_When I lost them, for the longest time, I couldn't feel my hands._

_It took a long, long time before I was able to pick up a pen or pencil again. I no longer felt that gentle hand encircling mine, guiding it across the paper, pushing me in the direction I was meant to go. I was no longer sure of which lines to make, which colors to use, which words would tell my story. It was a horrible feeling. "Idle hands are the devil's tools," I remembered me Dad saying. I agreed, because it felt like hell to have lost my gift- my hands. I had just about given up on ever getting them back._

_So you can imagine my surprise when, gradually, tonight, I felt that familiar invisible warmth reappear around my hand, and sensed a gentle whisper in my ear. "P for Ponyboy," it said. A large hand took mine into his, and, invisibly, guided me to pick up a pencil._

_Mom, Dad, wherever you are, thanks. I've got my hands back. _

Tears were streaming down my face as I passed it back to him.

"It's perfect," I said.

"I didn't want to make you cry," he said.

"It's just… you wrote them perfectly, Pony. I miss them so much, but if you can write about them like that, I'll never forget them. You have to keep writing about them."

"I want to," he said, "I'll try to."

"I'll help you, if you want," I had the fewest memories of us all, I knew, but I never wanted to forget them. "I'll try, too."

"Okay," he said. We lay back on the bed, talking about them, until Darry was at the door.

"Pony?" he knocked.

"Yeah?"

"Scout in there?" he asked. I was almost never in Pony and Soda's room, nor were they in mine, unless we were waking each other up.

"Yeah," Pony said, and Darry opened the door, surprised to see us lying on the bed, talking.

"Bedtime, you guys," he said, "It's a school night." I rolled off the bed.

"'Night Pony," I said.

""Night," he responded.

I brushed my teeth and washed up, heading to bed. I lay there, thinking about what Pony had written, about how true it was. I wished Mom and Dad's hands were still there to guide me, to teach me.

I knew Darry would come in a while to sleep in the other bed. He had told me that he would sleep in my room until I was ready to be alone- until I could actually _sleep_- so far, I still wanted him there.

I was almost asleep when I heard Darry and Soda arguing in the living room. Darry and Pony I just would have ignored, but Darry and Soda hardly ever really yelled at each other.

"It's not a big Deal, Darry!"

"It _is_ a big deal, Soda. I suspected it last night, but then Kevin told me this morning that he _saw_ Steve buying drugs Friday night at Sweeney's party!"

Drugs. Then _that_ was what the look was, in his eyes. Drunk _and_ on drugs. Maybe he really _didn't_ know what he had done, then. I kept listening.

"Well, Kevin should mind his own damned business," Soda said. "Who does he think he is, anyway, to come reporting to you on what Steve does?"

"He's _concerned_, Soda, because he doesn't want you getting involved in shit like that. Not to mention I don't want him bringing that into the house with Scout and Pony here. I'm _glad_ he told me, and I'd do the same thing for him if I thought someone was using drugs around _his_ brother!"

"Look, Darry, _I'm_ not doing it. I can't tell Steve what to do."

"How long has this been going on?"

"I don't know, a while. Since after Mom and Dad died."

"Jesus, Soda, he has a _problem_, can't you see that? You saw how angry he got last night, over a stupid _card game_!"

"What do you want me to do, Darry? Honestly, I can't control him. His home life sucks, he says it's just an escape for him."

"I don't want him in this house when he's taking drugs. You can tell him that. And if he tries to come here when he's high, I'll kick him out."

"Fine, Darry. I'll tell him."

"I don't think you should be hanging around with him anymore, either, Soda. I mean it. If I catch you trying drugs, I'll kill you. I'm serious."

"I won't, Darry. Just because Steve does something doesn't mean I do."

"I hope not."

I heard Soda stomp off to his room, and Darry wash up and come in and lay in the other bed. I pretended to be asleep, thinking.

Maybe this secret could just stay hidden, after all, I thought. I _was_ getting better, little by little. Maybe it would all just fade away.

……………………………**..**

**A/N: Don't worry, it **_**won't**_** stay hidden…. "Their Hands" is a one-shot I originally wrote without Scout in it, but I changed it a tiny bit to include it here. Thanks for reading/reviewing, as always.**


	36. The Realization

**A/N: This chapter should be filed under "just when you thought things couldn't get any more complicated…"**

…………………..

At lunch on Monday, I waited outside the side door for Ben, and we went over to the shady area under the trees where most of the greasers sat. We never ate inside unless it was freezing outside and nobody had a car to take us anywhere else. Anna sat with us too, usually, but she was home sick. I sat up against a tree and Ben threw his books down and sat against another tree, facing me. We took out our lunches and compared.

"Ham and cheese. You?"

"Turkey." Darry was in charge of making lunches this week. We took turns, just like with the dishes. Darry and I were usually pretty straightforward sandwich meat kind of people, Pony was incessantly boring and normally gave us peanut butter and jelly every day, and Soda's lunches were always an adventure. I was glad it wasn't Soda's week- I wasn't in the mood to find a cheese and olive sandwich or peanut butter and corn flakes on rye.

I wasn't feeling too hungry, so I took a few bites of my sandwich and listened to Ben ramble on about the fight that had erupted during his English class. Even though I was in eighth grade and he was in seventh, we pretty much knew all the same people, since I had been in his grade until the year before.

I noticed a few middle class girls from the high school sit down on the grass a few feet to my right. They were the kind of girls that really drove me crazy- all they wanted to talk about was makeup and boys and who was cooler than who else. I was sure that, in their book, I was the _least _cool of all, so I normally just ignored them. I was looking at Ben and listening to his story when suddenly I heard Soda's name come up in the girls' conversation.

I tuned out what Ben was saying and listened in on the girls.

"I don't know, _I've_ been to the DX and I don't think the guy there is all that cute." This was from the girl with the matching skirt and headband.

"Then _you_ didn't get Soda waiting on you. He's adorable!" This one had argyle socks to match her sweater.

"That's his _name?_ _Soda?_" Everyone laughed. I was used to that.

"What time did you go, anyway, Joan?" Argyle girl.

"I don't know, seven?" Headband again.

"Oh, then you got the night guy, Marty. He's nothing like Soda!" Marty was actually a great guy- I liked him. He was always nice to me and didn't treat me like a kid. He was too good for them anyway.

"I don't know, Colleen. I heard some bad things about that Soda Curtis." This was another one, basically identical to Argyle girl, a.k.a. Colleen, except _her_ knee socks were plain navy.

"Like what, he's a heartbreaker? 'Course he is, good-lookin' as he is."

"No, I'm serious. Bad stuff. My sister says to stay away from him. She heard he's rough with girls."

I did not like this navy-socks girl, at all. What was she _talking_ about? Soda was never rough with anyone, unless they started something! He certainly would never be rough with a _girl_!

I sat up straight to hear them better and Ben noticed I wasn't listening to him anymore and was staring in the girls' direction. He knew those kind of girls drove me crazy.

"What, Scout?" He couldn't imagine why I was interested in their conversation.

I motioned to him to shut up.

"Oh, be quiet, you don't even know who he is. That's just rumors." Colleen.

"No, it isn't. You know that girl Sandy he used to date?" Navy socks.

"Yeah, she moved." Someone else, I didn't even bother to look at her.

Navy socks kept on talking. "Yeah, well she moved because she was getting beat up. Her parents sent her to live with her grandmother, to get away from him! My sister saw her at the bus station when she was leaving."

Yeah, well, I heard that Soda's sister got beat up, too, a while ago. He probably hits her, too!" headband added.

I was on my feet and running before Ben could stop me. I leaped into the middle of the group of girls and got in the face of the one who had been talking, restraining myself from ripping her headband right off her head.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled.

She shoved me backward and stood up. "What's your problem? Who are you anyway?"

I shoved her back. "I'm Soda Curtis's sister and I don't appreciate you spreading lies about him!"

"See, told you. The whole family's a bunch of bullies! He probably did beat her up!" Navy socks, the bitch. I turned to face her, about ready to tear her apart as well. Ben held me back.

"My brother would _never_, in a million years, hit a girl," I said. "Who told you that?"

"My sister saw his girlfriend Sandy before she left. She said she looked like she got beat up, all bruised and stuff. She said she even had bite marks on her. That's sick, if you ask me. Your brother's sick!"

"It's sick that you're willing to believe lies about someone you don't even know! Soda _never_ laid a hand on her, or me! Don't you _ever_ accuse my brother of hurting someone again! I swear to God, I'll kill you myself."

She laughed, probably since I was at least a full foot shorter than she was. I'm pretty sure I could have taken her, though, especially with the lessons the boys had given me. She was all bone.

"Get over it, bitch." She shrugged me off and turned back to her friends. It was obvious that Ben was not going to let me start anything. He was still holding me back.

I kicked the pile of books next to the girl, shook off Ben, and took off toward the track. I needed to think. My head was spinning. I couldn't even believe what I had just heard, and suddenly the secret I had been keeping felt a million pounds heavier on my shoulders. As I was running I started to cry. Ben ran after me, having no idea at all what was going on.

"Scout, stop. _Scout!_ What is going on? You and I both know Soda never hurt Sandy, or you! Calm down."

I couldn't talk. I sat down on the bleachers by the track and buried my head in my hands.

"It's a rumor, Scout, a stupid rumor!" Ben sat beside me. "Nobody cares what those dumb girls say anyway! Don't worry about it! Since when do you care what they think? It was just gossip!"

I had to tell him. I knew I had to tell him. He could help me tell the others. I knew now, I had to tell. It wasn't just about me anymore.

I looked up and Ben must have read it in my eyes that this was serious.

"_What_, Scout? This isn't like you. You don't care about what those girls say."

I wiped my eyes and tried to gather my breath.

"Ben, you heard what they said, right? About Sandy?"

"Yeah."

"What she looked like? Bruises? _Bites?_"

"Yeah, so? You and I both know Soda would never do that."

"Soda _didn't_ do it. But I know who _did_, Ben. Because it was the same person that did it to me. He bit _me_, too."

Ben stared at me, and I knew he was remembering the way I had looked that morning, afterward. The bite marks. His surprise turned to accusation.

"You said you didn't know who it was! You said you couldn't see him! You _knew_? This whole time, you _knew?_"

"I lied." I hung my head. How could this situation possibly be getting worse? I hadn't thought it was possible.

"_Jesus Christ_, Scout. Why did you lie? Why didn't you tell us? Who? Who the hell was it?"

I stared Ben right in the eyes.

"Steve. It was _Steve_, Ben. _ Steve_ tried to rape me. And it sounds like he did it to Sandy, too."

Ben was completely aghast. "_Steve?_ Jesus, Scout, he practically lives at your house! Are you _kidding_ me? After what he did to you, how could you even stand to look at him? Christ! I've seen him a hundred times since then! How can you stand to be around him?"

"I can't. I really can't. I just thought … he's Soda's best friend, and I thought Soda needed him, after Sandy… but now that I know why she left… it was _because of him_!"

"Oh, God, Scout. You gotta tell them. I've a mind to find Steve right now and… that _bastard!_ I can't believe you didn't tell me! I'm going to find him."

"Not now, Ben." I stopped him there. "Not yet." I needed him with me, for now. "But… can you come with me to tell them? Just _be there_, when I tell Darry anyway?"

"_Darry?_ What about Soda?"

"Darry first," I said. "Then he'll tell Soda with me. He'll take it better from Darry than me."

Ben thought about it.

"Let's go now," he said. "God, your brothers are gonna _kill_ him."

"No. Not now. I'm not ready. Darry's at work, anyway. After practice. I need to think about what I'm gonna say, first… how to tell them."

"I'm not going to practice today, remember? Dentist."

Right. He had told me that.

"Well, just come over after you get back from the dentist, then. I'll wait. I don't think I can tell them alone. I _know_ I can't." I still wasn't really sure I'd be able to tell them, at all.

"Oh, man, Scout. This is huge. You shoulda told us then."

"Yeah, well hindsight's twenty-twenty," I said. "It was a little hard to know what was the right thing to do at the time. I _thought_ I was doing the right thing…for Soda."

He was quiet as he considered that.

"I think you should have done the right thing for you," he said gently. "You _have_ to, now, or I will. I'm not keeping this secret for you, Scout. If you don't tell them, I will." He took my hand and covered it with both of his.

"I just… I never thought… _God_, Ben, he did it to Sandy, too. _God._" I couldn't imagine how, just when I thought that things might be starting to get better, they had suddenly become a million times worse. And Sandy… any hatred I had ever felt for her was gone. She _knew_. She knew exactly what had happened to me. I thought nobody knew what I was feeling like, but _she_ did. And for me, it had just been my brother's friend. For her, it had been both her boyfriend's best friend _and_ her best friend's boyfriend. God, the poor thing. No_ wonder_ she ran away.

And then I remembered- she was _pregnant_, too? God, I thought, what if it's Steve's? I put my head down between my legs, feeling sick.

Ben leaned down next to me.

"It'll be okay, Scout. Once you tell everybody, you won't have to be afraid of him anymore. I can't _believe_ you kept this a secret. This must have been killing you. I don't understand why you didn't tell us."

I was crying again, overwhelmed with the whole mess. I didn't know anymore, why I hadn't told. Now I didn't know how Soda would react. Maybe if I had told, things would have been different… maybe Sandy… I just didn't know.

We heard the lunch bell in the distance and realized we were both late for our next class. I picked my head up, wiping my eyes.

"Go, Ben," I said. "I'll see you after I get home from practice. Just come over to my house, okay?"

"I'm glad you told me, Scout. I wish you would have before."

"Well, me too, now. I'm okay. Let's go to class."

He reached over and kissed me on the cheek. I was glad Steve was in the high school and he and Ben would not cross paths. The last thing I needed was Ben in trouble for fighting with Steve.

…………………………

I survived my afternoon classes and practice, thinking about nothing except what I could say- how I could try to make them understand why I hadn't told. I was terrified that they would be mad, and that Soda would hate me, resent me, maybe even believe Steve over me, and think I had somehow wanted it, or asked for it. I had no doubt that Soda loved me, but I was scared to death that he might for some reason side with Steve. I went back and forth between feeling like I could tell, and then feeling like there was no way on Earth I could do it.

After practice, I waited by the gym door, rehearsing in my mind how the conversation would go. I was glad to have Ben willing to be there for support. Darry was likely to explode – having Ben there might serve to temper his reaction, at least a little bit. I paced in the hallway, as one by one everyone else was picked up. Normally Ben and Anna would have been there with me, but Anna was sick, and Ben had that dentist appointment. Pony didn't have track practice anymore, the meets were over and the team just practiced on their own time between seasons. Finally, I stood alone at the gym door, waiting for Darry's truck to pull up, thinking of how I would fill the silence on the ride home. I would not tell without Ben, I couldn't.

Finally I saw a car. It didn't look like Darry's truck or Soda's new wreck, so I stared and eventually was relieved to see that it was Two-Bit who was sent to pick me up. His car rattled up to the door and I grabbed my bag and ran out and around the drivers side and hopped in.

"So you drew the short straw, huh?" I kidded, trying to sound normal.

There was no answer and I felt a chill rise in me. I turned to the driver's seat as I felt a hand on my arm.

"Hey, kid." I froze. Zero at the bone. It wasn't Two-Bit. It was Steve.

…………………………

**A/N: OK, so anybody see that coming? Review! I'll try not to leave you hanging too long!**


	37. The Confrontation

I reacted immediately. I struggled to free my arm, and I pulled up my feet and kicked him full-on in the chest. He cursed and let my arm go. I jumped out of the car and started sprinting towards the football field. I knew that, at this point, there was no getting back into the school building- after regular school hours, the doors were locked from the outside. I was fast, but Steve was so much taller that once he got out of the car, he was gaining on me quickly. I headed with all I had for the small building that contained the bathrooms for the football field and the public park. There were no real outside doors, so it couldn't be locked.

I reached the building and ran into the womens side. There was a ledge along the wall, which hid the plumbing for the toilets. It made a shelf-like platform about six feet off the ground. The ceilings were high, exposing pipes that ran overhead.

I ran into a stall, locked the door, and climbed from the toilet tank onto the ledge. There was a broom leaning up against the wall, and I grabbed it and pulled it up to my perch just as Steve rounded the corner.

"_Get out!_" I screamed.

"Come on, Scout, calm down. I just wanna talk to you."

"Get out, Steve! I swear to God I'll kill you." I was actually pretty sure I would.

"Oh, that's cute, Scout. You're gonna _kill_ me? How? I know Darry won't let you out with the knife Shepard gave you. Calm down!"

"_Calm down?_ Do you even _know_ what you did to me? Do you have _any_ idea? Just get away from me!" I was screaming and waving the broom at him.

"Look, it was a mistake, I…"

"A _mistake_? A _mistake_, Steve? You _hurt_ me! You scared me to death and made me feel like it was my fault, and made me into someone who is scared all the time and hates herself for it, and now I find out you did the _same thing_ to Sandy? God, Steve, _Sandy?_ I thought Soda was your friend!"

He looked horrified when I metioned Sandy.

"He _is_ my friend... I didn't touch her."

"Shut _up_, Steve! I _know_ you did. You hurt her just like you hurt me."

"You don't understand…" He was getting worked up now, too… I was afraid to make him angry but couldn't help myself from yelling. This had been building up inside me for so long, there was going to be no holding it back now. I exploded.

"_What? What don't I understand? That you're on drugs, and you were drunk? Do you think I care about that? I don't get to forget about what you did. I have to remember it, and think about it- all the time- and Sandy… how could you? How could you, Steve? Soda loved her! He still does! I hate you, for what you did to me, but I hate you just as much for what you did to Soda!"_

"I wasn't.. I didn't mean to…" he was stumbling to defend himself. "You can't say anything, Scout! I'll fix it!"

"You _can't _fix it, Steve. That's the problem! _You_ can't, and _I_ can't… I don't even know if _anybody_ can!" I didn't.

"I didn't _deserve_ this! _Sandy_ didn't deserve this." With that comment, he moved forward to grab the broom from me and I shoved it back at him, not willing to let him get near me. I was shaking and terrified, but between Tim, Darry, and the rest of the boys, I had a confidence I had never before possessed.

He still came towards me.

"Let me explain…" he started.

"No!" I yelled. "No. Don't come near me. Just stay away. Just go away!" I was yelling, but sobbing, as well. I had never been so scared, yet strong, at the same time. Every time I drove him back he waited a minute then approached me again. This back and forth went on for a few minutes, him trying to reason with me, and me not having any of it. Finally, he grabbed on and yanked the broom handle out of my hand. He came toward me and grabbed my ankle.

I started screaming at the top of my lungs for him to let go of me, telling him again that I would kill him if he didn't, when I heard a breathless voice yelling from the doorway.

"_Get away from her, Steve!" _

Ponyboy. Thank God. I had no idea where he had come from, but _thank God_.

Steve let go of my ankle, and I shrank away to the wall.

First Soda, then Two-Bit, Darry, and Ben appeared behind Pony.

"Scout, you alright?" Darry asked, also breathless. They must have all been running. I covered my face, wiping my tears, and nodded.

Steve tried to say something, but Darry wouldn't allow it.

"_Get out of here_," he said. "_Now!_"

I had a feeling the boys would be joining him outside. He was no match for all of them.

Steve tried to talk again but Darry wasn't hearing it.

"_Out! Get out of here, Steve! Jesus Christ!_"

I sat on the ledge, shaking. I had thought for sure he was going to rape me this time, eventually, if the guys hadn't shown up. I had truly been ready to kill him, in any way possible, if it had come to that.

Darry looked like he would have liked to personally drain the life out of Steve, but he just watched him leave and came over to stand under me. He reached up and took my hand.

"Are you hurt? Scout, did he hurt you?"

I shook my head no. Darry looked up at me, and I thought I might cry again, but the tears never came. He reached up and encircled my waist, pulling me down gently.

"I thought it was gonna happen again," I admitted. "_This_ is what I was afraid of."

"But it didn't, baby. Thank God, it didn't." He let me rest on his shoulder a couple of minutes before setting me down. I heard yelling outside but couldn't tell what was being said. I was still shaking as he walked me outside. He was limping.

"Oh, Darry, your foot…" He must have been running on the stitches.

"It's fine," he said. There was no sign of any of the others, including Steve. Darry walked me over to the bleachers and we sat down.

"How did you know? To come after him?"

"Ben came over," he said. Ben. Of course. "He went crazy when we told him Steve had gone to get you."

"Scout," he continued, looking down at me, "Why in hell didn't you _tell_ me it was Steve? Right away, that morning?"

"Because…_Soda_, Darry." I said… "I love Soda, and Steve- he's his best friend. I didn't want…"

"Scout… he _hurt_ you. God, Scout, we let him hang around in our house after he almost raped you! _Jesus!_ You never even said…" I could completely see why Darry couldn't understand. My reasoning didn't even make much sense to myself anymore.

"I was never alone with him, after. I made sure."

"Well, you were _tonight_, and we were the ones that sent him for you! If anything _had_ happened, _we_ would have set you up for it, because _we_ didn't know, Scout!" I could tell he was pretty upset by the thought. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it, either.

"I _know_. I know. It's just… Soda... he lost so much… I didn't want to be the one to take away his best friend on top of everything. Steve was so drunk that night, and I know you know he's taking drugs, too… He wasn't really even _Steve_, that night. I thought maybe he didn't mean it, or even know."

"Scout, if you think Soda, or any of us, would ever _want_ to be friends with someone we knew was hurting you, you've lost it. And I don't care how drunk or high he was, it's _absolutely_ no excuse for what he did to you. Lord knows, I've been drunk as anyone, but it would never even cross my mind to hurt a girl. I still feel _sick_ when I remember what you looked like when we found you in bed that morning. There is no excuse for that. _None_."

I knew how he felt. The thought of it made me sick, too.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," I said.

"I wish you hadn't felt like you had to." Darry was confused. "Why _now_ then? Why did you tell Ben? I mean, thank God you did, but why?"

"Well… Where's Soda?" I asked, realizing I didn't want him to reappear in the middle of telling Darry about Sandy.

"I assume he's off with the rest of them taking care of things with Steve," he said.

I realized that, wherever the guys had gone, there was no doubt that they were hurting Steve. Payback. Revenge.

"Why aren't you…"

"Another time." He answered. "I will." He must have known I was wondering why he wasn't getting a part of the action himself. I knew he was plenty angry. "Right now, this is Soda's score to settle," he said, "for you. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

"Do you think Ben's getting involved in it too?" I asked.

"I imagine so. I'm sure he wanted his fair share of Steve, too. He's pretty disgusted that we let that bastard be around you. We _all_ are."

"Darry?" I knew I still had to tell him about Sandy.

"Yeah?" he answered, putting his arm around me and rubbing my shoulder.

"I told Ben because I wanted him to be with me when I told you. That's why he came over the house- I told him to. So… now you know… about Steve, but there's more to it... and it's worse."

"What more?" he looked scared.

"I found out something at school today."

"Okay...and..."

"What happened to me… what Steve did… well, I think… it looks like I wasn't the only one he did it to."

"_What? _Who_ else?_"

I took a deep breath. "_Sandy_, Darry. Sandy too. And he probably hurt and scared her as bad as he did me. She loves Soda and she wouldn't want to hurt him any more than I did, so I think she hid it, too."

He leaned his head on my shoulder.

"_God_," he whispered.

"Darry, he told me nobody would ever believe me if I told. And that he'd hurt me, or worse. He even made me think I asked for it, somehow. That's why she left, it _has_ to be. She _loves_ him. But his best friend… She probably felt ashamed."

"If this is true, she has nothing to be ashamed of." Darry looked disgusted.

"I know that, but I felt that way for an awful long time, too. I still kinda do. Like I deserved it."

"You didn't deserve it. _Nobody _deserves that." He looked me in the eyes as he said that, then pulled me into a full hug.

"How did you find this out, anyway?"

I told him about the high school girls and how they had accused Soda of hurting both Sandy and me, leaving out the part about me nearly getting into a fight. When I told him about the bites and bruises, he admitted it all added up. He looked down and noticed my arm, a new bruise forming where Steve had first grabbed me in the car, and I had kicked him to pull away.

"Jesus Christ." He said, as he lightly rubbed my bruise. "That sick bastard."

Finally, I said, "I think maybe _you_ should tell Soda… about Sandy. I'm not sure if he should be hearing it from me. You're better at that stuff."

"You're the one who found out, Scout."

"Would you want your kid sister telling you your best friend raped your girlfriend? God, Darry, the baby… it's probably Steve's. Or maybe she doesn't even know whose."

He drew in a breath, and I realized he hadn't thought about that part of things.

"I guess not. We'll tell him later. At home."

"Okay," I agreed.

We just sat there without really saying anything else for ten minutes or so, until the boys came walking back across the field from the bank of trees that separated the football field from the basketball and tennis courts. They looked somber. This wasn't the kind of fight that made you excited if you won- it was the kind of fight that arose out of the realization that someone you thought you knew wasn't really who you thought they were, and the anger that someone you had trusted had completely and irreparably broken that trust. I was wondering what had become of Steve. They sat on the bleachers with us, and all of them, except Two-Bit, lit up cigarettes as Pony passed his pack down.

"He won't be botherin' anybody else for a long while," Two-Bit said. I was surprised to feel a little relieved that they hadn't actually _killed_ him. There was a siren in the distance, and he added, "There's his ride, now." I guessed somebody must have seen him and called either an ambulance or the cops. I knew, no matter what, he wouldn't say a word to the cops.

"I'm sorry, Soda." I said, eventually. I was. I just wished none of this had ever happened; that Steve hadn't turned out to be an asshole of a friend who attacked both his sister and his girlfriend.

"Don't you _even_ fucking think that, Scout. You ain't got nothin' to be sorry about." He was angry, and I knew it wasn't at me, but Darry didn't like his tone.

"Cool it, Soda. You got no reason to be mad at her."

"I ain't. I'm mad at myself for ever letting that two-faced piece of shit anywhere near her." I shot Darry a look. This was not gonna get any better when we told him about Sandy. Ben glanced at me and I shook my head. Not here.

"You didn't _know,_ Soda," I said quietly. "It's not your fault." I truly had never blamed Soda for any of it.

"I brought someone into our house who beat up and almost fucking _raped_ my twelve year old sister. That's unforgivable."

I moved to sit next to Soda.

"No. It _isn't_." I said quietly. "Nobody needs to forgive you for anything. You didn't do anything wrong. None of us knew what he would do."

"She's right, Soda." Two-Bit said. "None of us figured it out either. You think I'm not wishin' I had put it all together weeks ago?"

Soda just sat with his head in his hands. "Scout, we _sent_ him to get you, tonight. He coulda…"

"I'm okay. He didn't hurt me."

"Yeah, _this time_," he said. "If he ever comes within a mile of you, one of us gets told. Immediately. You hear me? No more secrets. I don't want him so much as looking at you."

"I'll tell you, Soda. I swear."

"Why didn't you _tell _me?" his look almost made me cry, and I hung my head.

"I just… It's complicated. Can we just talk about this at home? I'm getting cold." It was getting dark, as well.

Two-Bit suddenly stood up. "Hey, where the hell'd that bastard leave my car?"

I looked up. "It's probably still by the gym doors. I thought it was you in the car and got in. When I saw it was Steve, I kicked him in the chest and ran away, and he chased me. He just left it, I guess. What was he doing in your car, anyway?"

"I was blocking him in," Two-Bit answered.

Sure enough, it was sitting by the gym doors, both doors open, and the motor still running.

"Asshole wasted my gas, too," Two-Bit lamented. "See you guys at the house?" Pony and Soda climbed into the car.

"I'll ride with Darry," I said. I helped him around the building to where his truck was in the side parking lot.

"How'd you know I was in the bathrooms?" I asked.

"Soon as I shut off the truck, we could hear you yelling and cussing him out." Darry opened the door for me, and I climbed in.

"I would have killed him, Darry. I'm pretty sure."

Darry looked over at me.

"I don't doubt it, Scout," he said. "And nobody would have blamed you, either."

.......................

**A/N: Thanks for the onslaught of reviews from last chapter, and I forgive all of you who cussed me out. Haha. Sorry. I know cliffhangers suck! I felt like I had to justify Steve's actions in this story, somewhat...the drug use and abuse of the ladies... I will be posting a one-shot later tonight, called "Looking for the Whales" as a peace offering, trying to explain why he is pretty messed up. Hope you will read and comment on that, too...**


	38. The Truth

We didn't say much on the ride home. I noticed Steve's car was still in the driveway and realized that, eventually, he would have to come back to get it. I kind of hoped the keys were in the house, and maybe somebody could just drive it to his house. I didn't want to see any confrontations between him and my brothers- I just wanted him to be gone.

I went into the house and went straight into my bedroom. I tried to do homework, but I couldn't concentrate to save my life. I got my math done, but I was fairly certain that I would have to do just about very one over again after Darry looked at it. I didn't bother with anything else- he only checked the math anyway. I brought it out and he looked at it, circling the ones that were wrong, which turned out to be about half, but not saying anything. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was- that we still had to tell Soda about Sandy. He had been sitting outside with Two-Bit since we got back, smoking, which meant he was already plenty upset. I guess Darry was planning on waiting until after dinner.

Ponyboy turned to us, pulling a dish out of the oven.

"Somebody go get Soda and Two-Bit. This is done."

Darry went, and I was glad. I was worried about what Soda might be thinking about me- that he might be angry, even if he had said that he wasn't.

I had thought that telling would make me feel better- that not having to keep the secret would make dealing with the whole situation easier- but it didn't. I still felt just as bad, maybe even worse, knowing that I had altered the dynamics of me and Soda's relationship, and pretty much eliminated his relationship with Steve. Everything had changed so much, since that night, that I no longer knew what normal was- or would be. Normal, I was guessing, no longer included Steve. And if that felt weird for _me_, I could only imagine how it felt for Soda.

I was glad Two-Bit stayed for dinner. He somehow made everyone feel a little bit more relaxed. He wasn't his usual outrageous self, but he kept the conversation going enough that it wasn't as uncomfortable as I imagined it would be. I was feeling sick with the anticipation of how Soda would react to learning the rest of what I knew, so I hardly ate anything. I noticed he wasn't eating much, either. Darry noticed, too, I'm sure, but he kept his mouth shut.

After dinner, I started on the dishes and was shocked when Ponyboy came over and started helping me. The surprise must have been showing on my face, because he grabbed the plate out of my hand and started drying it, saying,

"Look, I just want to help you, okay?"

"Okay," I answered, shocked that none of the other guys had a wiseass comment to add. Pony occasionally will do chores when it isn't his turn if he is trying to make up for something bad he said or did, but he doesn't usually just offer to help out of the blue. As far as I knew, he didn't need to apologize to me about anything.

When we finished up the dishes, I went back to my room and just sat there, on my bed, trying to make sense of everything that had happened.

Finding out about Sandy- that was what had changed everything. Before that, I had no plans to ever tell anybody. But then, Steve coming to pick me up- I couldn't figure that out. He couldn't have _known_ that I found out about Sandy – Ben hadn't shown up at the house until after he left. Why had he come after me, I wondered. Was it really just to talk? Or was it to get what he had missed out on the first time? Had he really thought he could make things better, when he said he would "fix" everything? How could he even think that was _possible_? In a way, I felt sad for him, despite what had happened, because he had lost his best friend and it was his own fault.

"Scout?" I jumped, turning around to find Soda at my door.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said. "Can I come in?"

I nodded. I looked at him closely, trying to read what he was thinking, to determine if it matched what he was saying. He _said_ he wasn't mad at me. He didn't _look_ mad at me. But, still… for reasons I couldn't understand myself, I felt like he _should_ be mad at me.

He came and sat on the bed, and for a minute or so neither of us said anything. I hated this; us not knowing what to say to each other. Soda and I had always gotten along the most easily, out of everyone in the family. I honestly could not remember us ever fighting, really.

"Scout, I hope you don't hate me because of this," he finally started.

My jaw dropped, literally. Was he kidding? Me, hate _him_? Why on Earth would I hate him? God, It was because of how much I _loved_ him that I hadn't said anything.

"Soda, why..?" I began.

"I should have figured it out," he said, and he sounded like he wanted to cry. "I should have picked up on it. You not wanting to come into the DX that time… That night… I should have figured out that Steve could have been here. I hate myself that I can't remember that night. He brought me home, didn't he? And _that's_ when it happened?"

I nodded. I couldn't look at him.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he said, and he was crying now, though I still couldn't look at him, I could hear it in his voice.

"Please don't hate me," he barely whispered, sounding miserable.

That sent the tears streaming down my face, too, and I grabbed him, hugging him as tightly as I could.

"I don't hate you, Soda. I could _never _hate you. I love you. That's why I didn't want to tell. I didn't want to be the reason you lost your best friend."

"I already lost my best friend, Scout, months ago. She left me. You should have told me, right away. I would never have let him anywhere near you again."

Oh, Christ. He had to bring up Sandy. There was no way I couldn't tell him now. I had really wanted Darry to be the one to do it, or at least be with me if I had to do it, but he was outside with Pony and Two-Bit. I guess it was going to be just me.

"Actually, I'm pretty scared that you might hate _me_ after what I have to tell you," I whispered. I tried to pull away from our hug, but he pulled me back in.

"I could never hate you, either," he whispered back. I hoped it was the truth.

I couldn't think of where to start.

"What? _What is it?_" Now he was pushing me back so he could look me in the face. I looked down and he lifted my chin back up. "You can tell me anything. I mean it."

"I just don't know where to start."

"Try the beginning, and see how that goes."

"I wasn't going to tell, about Steve. Ever. I was just going to try to forget it and make it go away."

"Scout, you can't…"

"I know. I know, now. But something made me change my mind, anyway. Something I found out at school today. Ben and I heard some girls… some high school girls… talking, and they were talking about _you_, so I started listening, and one of them said that you beat up girls."

"_Who_ said that? Are you kidding me? I would never lay a hand on a girl."

"I know, Soda. Let me finish. So, I got in her face and told her she didn't know what she was talking about, and she said that her sister saw Sandy the night she left, at the bus station, and she was beat up, and had bite marks on her."

Soda hadn't yet made the connection, but I could see him getting there.

"The bite marks, Soda," I was crying hard, now, out of fear of how he was going to react more than anything else. "He bit _me_, too… What Steve did to me… I think he did it to Sandy, too. I'm _sure_ he did. He pretty much admitted it. I don't think she cheated on you, Soda. I think Steve raped her."

Soda turned white as a sheet and I thought he might pass out, but what he did do was just the opposite.

"_No!_" he yelled, jumping up from the bed and tossing my books onto the floor. "That _bastard!_" He started hitting the wall, yelling, kicking at the doorframe. Darry and the others came running in. He looked at me and I nodded, and he knew I had told him. Darry held onto him and walked him over to the couch, talking to him in the soothing voice he has that always works to calm us down.

"What the hell happened?" Two-Bit asked. Pony looked just as confused.

"I found out today that Steve didn't just hurt me."

"_What?_ Who else?"

"Sandy."

"Shit, no." Two-Bit looked disgusted.

"Are you sure?" Pony asked.

"Yes," I said. "I was never gonna tell anyone it was Steve, but then I found out about Sandy, and I knew I had to."

"_I knew_ she wouldn't just leave him," Pony said, and turned to go into the living room to be with Soda.

Two-Bit reached out his hand for mine and we followed him in. Soda sat on the couch, surrounded by Pony and Darry. Two-Bit sat in Dad's armchair, pulling me down onto the arm next to him.

"Who told you this, Scout? I need to know who." Soda had calmed down but was still crying, a little.

"I told you, some high school girls. They were talking at lunch."

"I need to know their names."

"I don't remember," I said. I didn't. I remembered their outfits, but not their names.

"How old were they?"

"I don't know… maybe juniors? Not freshmen."

"Darry, where's your yearbook?"

"In my bedroom. Why?"

"Go get it." Soda had a plan.

Darry came back with the yearbook and Soda took it. He motioned me over to where Darry had been sitting.

"I need you to find the girl who said her sister saw her. I need to talk to her."

I wasn't sure why he cared, but I did as he asked, looking through the book. It turned out she wasn't a junior, she was a sophomore. There she was: navy socks girl. Her real name was Janice Evers.

"Hey, I know that girl," Two-Bit said, of course.

"You know where she lives?"

"Yup. Took her sister out a couple o' times."

"We're goin' for a ride, Two-Bit." Soda stood up and was out the door before we could stop him.

"Two-Bit?" Darry called after him.

"Yeah?"

"Don't let him do anything stupid."

……………….

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews of the last chapter. I heard all your requests for me to write in a different POV the part where Ben realizes that Steve has been sent to get Scout, and what exactly happened between Steve and the others in the woods… I will do it, as soon as I have a chance. Unfortunately, I do have some other things that I have to do besides write fanfiction… you know- work, sleep, etc. Thanks for reading :-)**


	39. The Rumor

Darry, Pony, and I were left sitting in the living room.

"What's he gonna do, Darry?" Pony asked.

"I don't know. Put an end to that rumor that Scout heard, for sure. Other than that, I don't know."

"What about Sandy?" I asked.

"I don't know, Scout. I really don't. I can't imagine what he must be thinking right now."

"I would have told… If I knew it wasn't just me… I would have told, Darry. I swear. I thought I was the only one. If I ever knew, in the beginning, that he hurt Sandy too…" I felt so bad, that all along she had been dealing with this, that she'd had to run away, and leave Soda…

"Well, I'm glad you did find out, and that you told. Honestly, I can't believe you kept a secret like that for as long as you did."

I had no answer for that, especially since I had thought it was a secret that I would be keeping forever.

"I'm gonna drive Steve's car over and leave it at his house," Darry said. "I don't want Soda having to look at it sittin' there when he comes back."

I was pretty glad to hear that. So long as the car was gone, Steve had no reason to come around our house.

"You two be alright here for a few minutes?" he asked. Pony and I both made faces at him. Steve lived only a few blocks away; I don't know what he was thinking was going to happen to us in the fifteen minutes he'd be gone.

"So I'll take that as a yes," he said, and headed out the door, Steve's keys in his hand.

Pony and I didn't budge from where we had been sitting, both of us lost in our thoughts.

"Hey, Scout?" he finally spoke.

"Yeah?"

"I understand… why you didn't tell."

"Well, I think you're the only one who does, then," I responded. "I sort of feel like everyone thinks I didn't tell because I was afraid, or because I didn't know better- that I'm dumb, or something."

"I don't think that. I get it, Scout. You were doing it to protect Soda."

I was shocked that he actually understood. I had told Darry that I hadn't told on Steve because I loved Soda so much, but I hadn't really used the word protect, because it sounded stupid and naïve, to think that little Scout Curtis could really _do_ anything to protect her tough big brother. But Pony really did get it, I could tell.

"You know Steve and I never got along, either," he said.

"I know." Steve was usually as mean to Ponyboy as he was to me- maybe even meaner, because Pony was stuck around him more, hanging around with Soda a lot more than I really did.

"I never really told Soda how I felt about him, though… especially when it seemed like he was all he had left, besides us."

"Soda said that, the night that Steve… hurt me. He told Steve that he was all he had left. I didn't want to take that away, Pony. I hate it that I did."

"You had to, Scout. You had to. I wish you had felt like you could tell somebody. I mean, I know it probably wouldn't have been me, but…well, _somebody_."

"It might have been you, Pony. It's just, I know we fight a lot, and you think I'm a pain, but…"

"You're not as much of a pain as I used to think you were," he said.

"Oh, thanks," I said, laughing.

"I didn't mean it that way," he said, punching me lightly on the shoulder. "I just mean… sometimes I think you trust Darry and Soda more than me, because of how I used to pick on you. I guess I was kind of mean to you."

I didn't answer. I never had expected this conversation to happen, even after the time we had spent together at the church. But, thinking about it, Pony and I really hadn't argued in weeks. And he _had _been nicer to me.

"I just want you to trust me," he said. "I mean, I'm your brother, too. I'll stick up for you every bit as much as they would."

"I know, Pony. I _do_ trust you. I guess I just go to Darry most of the time because he's the closest to having Mom or Dad. But I love all three of you the same." I really did. They were three different people, and I loved them in three different ways, but no one more than another. I felt bad that maybe he had thought I cared about him less.

Just then Darry came back in, having walked back from Steve's house. He looked surprised to see Pony and I still sitting together- the same surprised look he'd had when he found us laying on Ponyboy's bed the night he showed me his writing. But, just as quickly as it had come, it disappeared.

"They're not back yet?"

Pony and I both shook our heads.

"You two need to get to bed. You have school tomorrow."

Surprisingly, neither of us protested. I wanted to stay up to see what Soda said when he returned, but I knew I could just eavesdrop, and I imagine Pony was thinking the same thing. It turned out we didn't have to, because after I had changed into my pajamas and was waiting for Pony to come out of the bathroom so I could brush my teeth, Soda and Two-Bit came back.

"I can't fucking believe this," Soda was yelling.

"Calm down," Darry was following Soda as he paced, eventually getting him to sit down in Dad's chair. "What happened?"

"I talked to that girl that said she saw her at the bus station… she said just about what Scout told us- she was beat up and had bites on her and wouldn't say anything about what happened. She said she asked Sandy if I did it to her and she just started crying."

"So what'd you tell her?"

"I told her I didn't have nothin' to do with it!" Soda snapped, "and I told her who did, and that she better stop spreading rumors when she ain't got her facts straight."

"So now what, then? What about Sandy?"

I stood in the doorframe, listening. Pony had emerged from the bathroom and was standing behind me, his hand on my shoulder.

"I have to go see her, Darry. In Florida. Two-Bit and I went to her parents' house, just now, to try to set things straight with them – her Dad won't even let me in the house. He wouldn't listen to a word I said. She won't take my calls, she sends my letters back… I have to see her and talk to her face to face, Darry. I have to."

"Soda, we can't afford…"

"I won't miss any work, Darry. It'll only take me a day to get there, and a day to get back… Monday's a holiday anyway, so if I leave on Saturday I won't miss any of my regular shifts."

Darry didn't say anything.

"I'll work extra this week to pay for the gas. I have to go, Darry. I have to know what really happened. I have to talk to her."

"It's just… what if you get all the way down there and she really doesn't want to see you? I just don't want to have to see you get hurt like that all over again." All of us, in our own way, just wanted to form a bubble around Soda, protecting him from getting hurt.

"I'll take that chance," Soda said.

"That's a hell of a long drive, all alone. I have work, I can't go with you."

"I'll go with," Two-Bit chimed in from the corner by the door. He was never this quiet; I had actually forgotten that he was there.

"I don't know, Soda," Darry said.

"I'm going, Darry. You can't stop me. I have my own car now, remember?"

Darry didn't say anything more, but I knew Soda had won.

He turned and saw Pony and me in the door.

"Get to bed, you two." We headed off in opposite directions to our bedrooms.

Don't worry, Sandy, I thought, you're not alone anymore.

........................................

**A/N: Sorry... I know, short. Busy day today. Maybe more later. Thanks for reviewing!**


	40. The Questions

I didn't remember falling asleep, nor did I remember hearing Darry come in and climb into the other bed. All I knew was that, suddenly, I was screaming, and it was dark, and somebody's arms were around me, and I didn't know where I was, or what was going on. The light suddenly came on and Soda and Pony ran over to the bed, where Darry was already holding on to me, talking to me, and trying to calm me down.

"He's not here. You're okay, Scout."

_Okay_. I was okay. I listened to what Darry was saying and tried to believe it. Christ, the nightmare, again. I started to remember what I had been screaming about. I was back in the bathrooms by the field, but this time Steve _had_ me, he had pulled me down from the ledge, and pinned me to the floor. I could actually _feel_ it, the cold tile against my arms and the back of my neck as he held me down. I shivered, and Darry rubbed my back.

I struggled to catch my breath. I had thought I was getting better. I had thought I was done with the nightmares. God, How long was this going to go on?

"He won't hurt you again, Scout. We promise," Pony said, reassuringly, and I remembered what he had said earlier, about how he would stand up for me just as much as Darry or Soda would. His tone right then cemented my belief in that.

"He was… in the bathrooms… he got me down…"

"Baby, it's not real." Darry loosened his hug as I started breathing more normally.

"It _felt_ real. It felt completely real."

"I know. It's scary." Ponyboy took my hand. He _did_ know. I never could figure out how he could be so terrified by his nightmares, but now I understood perfectly. "It _is_ really scary. But it's _not real_. Steve's _not_ here. He can't hurt you. Darry was in here with you. Me and Soda are right next door. Nobody's gonna hurt you."

"When is this gonna _stop?_ Why can't I make this _go away?_" I started crying from exhaustion and frustration. "I _hate_ this. I _hate_ feeling so scared. What is _wrong_ with me?"

I lay back down, wiping my eyes, and was surprised when suddenly Soda kicked my bedroom door, slamming it back against the wall, and leaving a small hole where the doorknob had hit. Pony, Darry, and I all jumped and turned to look at him.

"_Goddamn him! How could he? I trusted him! How could he do this to you, Scout?"_ He was kicking the door, and hitting it, over and over, yelling.

Darry went over to him and held his arms back, backing him up to the bed and easing him down. In a split second, Soda went from tense and violent to limp and despondent. He collapsed in a lump on the bed. He was suddenly sobbing.

"How _could_ he? Scout, I am so sorry… and _Sandy_… God, I didn't know. _I love her_. How could I have not known? Both of you! That _bastard_! The only two girls I care about, that I _love_, and he hurt _both_ of you. How _could_ he?"

I got up and went to the other bed where he was lying. I lay down next to him and held him, pulling his head up against mine. He was crying as hard as Darry had been, that night in his bed after our parents died. He was so upset, it was almost like I could feel the sadness emanating outward from him as he lay there.

"It's okay. I'm _okay_. It wasn't your fault, Soda. I don't blame you. I _never_ for a second blamed you. I _love_ you. Really. I'll be okay," I said.

"I _hate_ this. You're scared, and messed up, and you can't sleep…all because of somebody who was supposed to be my best friend!" He paused. "Do you think _she _has the nightmares too?"

I knew he meant Sandy. If her experience had been anything like mine…and I suspected that it had probably been _worse_, since she was _pregnant_… I was guessing she probably wasn't sleeping so well, either. But I didn't say anything.

"I don't know Soda. She's a lot older than me…"

As if that really mattered... but I was just trying to make him feel less guilty. I truly did not feel one bit of resentment toward Soda, regardless of the fact that Steve was _his_ friend. I wondered if maybe Darry was right- that maybe Sandy resented him, or somehow held Soda responsible for Steve's actions, and wouldn't even want to talk to him. I prayed not. She had to know that he would have never let anyone hurt her, knowingly. I knew that, had he _ever_ suspected what he was capable of, Soda never would have brought Steve into our house in the state he'd been in the night that he attacked me.

Finally, Soda was calming down. Darry and Ponyboy just sat on my bed, watching, letting us work this out between ourselves.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, again.

"Soda, we've been through this. I don't blame you. You have nothing to be sorry about."

He rolled over and stared up at the ceiling.

"I just can't believe how messed up everything is. Why does shit like this keep happening?"

That's for sure, I thought. Messed up - _again_. Why _were_ things always so complicated for our family? Why was it that every time things seemed to be getting easier, something happened to make everything hard again? It was exhausting.

"I don't know, Soda. But we'll get through it," I said.

"She's right," Darry came and sat next to me, looking down at Soda. "We'll be okay. We'll all be okay."

"I hope so," Soda said. I did, too.

He sat up.

"You okay, for now?" He looked at me.

"Yeah," I said. "Sorry about waking you up."

"Seems to run in the family," Pony said, rubbing my head on his way by.

Soda stood up and he and Pony both headed back to their own room, Soda giving me one last hug before he left.

"I love you, Soda," I whispered in his ear. How could he ever doubt that that my love for him as my brother would take precedence over anything else I might be feeling, I wondered. But, then again, I guess I had doubted all of them at times, too.

"You too," he whispered back.

I watched them go, then crawled back into my own bed. Darry got into the other one, flipping off the light.

"Sorry about waking you up," I said.

"Don't be sorry," he said. "I'm glad I was here. That's _why_ I'm here."

"What are you gonna do, sleep in here 'til I'm twenty?"

"If I have to, I will. As long as you need me."

I silently thanked God again for leaving us Darry, if he had to take Mom and Dad. I'd probably still have been sleeping in the kitchen every night if he hadn't been willing to stay in my room. Yet, I wanted to be better- back to my old self. I wanted to stop the nightmares, and the fear. I wanted to feel okay, in my own room, alone. Suddenly I thought of something I wanted to do, something I _needed_ to do.

"Darry?" I whispered.

"What?"

"I want to go."

"_What?_"

"With Soda. To see Sandy. Can I go?"

"What? _Why_, Scout? It's so far away."

"I don't care how far it is. She _knows_, Darry," I tried to explain. "She knows what happened to me. That's the worst part of this whole thing- how _alone_ I feel. She's the only one who really knows how I feel. She probably feels alone, too. She doesn't know that I know how _she_ feels. We both thought we were alone, but we're not. You know, I thought about running away, too Darry… to get away... but she really _did_ run."

"Scout, don't you ever run away, _please_. I mean it. We couldn't take that again, me _or_ Soda."

"I know… I wouldn't… I mean, I thought about it but I wouldn't have. But she must have felt like there was no other choice."

"I just don't think…" Darry started to argue.

"I want to go, Darry. I _have_ to. For Soda, _and_ for me. Even if she won't talk to Soda, she'll talk to me. I know she will. I didn't want to say it, in front of Soda, but I'm sure she has nightmares, too. You don't know how alone I felt- I still _feel._ How scared, and_ ashamed_, sometimes. I'm sure she feels it, too."

"I still don't understand why either of you hid it, to be honest."

"I guess you might never understand, then," I said. "I can't explain it," I added, "but I know she must have been feeling the same way as I was."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, baby. You didn't do anything."

"That's not how it feels, though, when it happens to you," I said.

"Well, that's too bad," he responded, "but I'm here to tell you, it's not how you _should_ feel."

"Well, Sandy has nobody to tell her that. Let me go, Darry? _Please?_ I think it might make me _and_ Sandy both better to know we're not alone. I need to talk to her. Just as much as Soda does."

I could hear him thinking.

"Let me think about it, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed. I knew I could work on him again, tomorrow. Or all week, if that's what it took.

"Hey, Darry?"

"What?"

"What do you think will happen with …Steve… he _works_ with Soda. I mean, they'll _have_ to see each other."

"I don't think Steve's going to be showing his face at the DX- not this week, anyway."

"What did they do to him?"

"I don't know, exactly, but Two-Bit said he was in pretty bad shape- he said he had to stop Soda from taking it any farther, he was afraid he'd kill him."

I guessed that was to be expected, pretty much.

"Do you think he'll try to get back at me…for telling?"

I had been thinking about that since the boys came back out of the woods after getting their revenge. That's the thing with revenge; I knew if he came back after _me_, the boys wouldn't hesitate to go after _him_ again. It would just go around and around until somebody came to their senses and ended it. And I really wasn't sure how much of his senses Steve was operating with, at the moment, considering I now knew that he was on drugs. I was still sure that it had been him who threw the rock that night.

"He won't ever touch you again, _that_ I promise. Now that we know it was him, we can make sure it never happens again. What happened yesterday would have never happened if you had just told us, from the beginning. We never would have had him around. Or let him go get you, obviously."

"I know... I _thought_ I was doing the right thing… I don't get it, Darry, how I can do well in school and stuff, but in real life it always seems like I am making bad choices. Now, what I did kinda seems wrong to me, too."

"Baby, just because _I_ don't understand your reasons doesn't mean they aren't valid. It just upsets me, how close he came to hurting you again, just because we didn't know."

"I'm glad Ben told. I'm glad you came in time."

"Yeah, well, me too. Go to sleep, Scout. Don't think about the bad stuff, okay? You're safe. Nobody's gonna hurt you here."

"Thanks, Darry… for staying with me."

"Just sleep, okay?"

"Okay."

And I did. Soundly.

.........................

**A/N: Thanks, as always, for reviewing!**


	41. The Allies

I decided not to ask Darry again about going with Soda until after dinner the next night. I even tried extra hard on my homework, hoping to get him in a good mood beforehand. When I brought it out, he looked it over, raising his eyebrows as he only circled one, the very last. Figures, I got careless right at the end.

"Well…better than usual, right?"

"I guess so," he managed a grin. "_You_ did it, right?"

I nodded.

I sat down and fixed it, then got up, throwing my books onto my bed as I walked by, and heading down to Ponyboy's room. Now that I knew he _wanted_ to be sticking up for me, it was time to put him to the test. I knocked, and he knew it was me.

"Come on in, Scout," he said.

I walked in and sat on the bed. He was sitting at his desk.

"Are you writing something?" I asked.

"Not really. Just working on some ideas."

"I hope you'll keep letting me read what you write, Pony. It really is good."

"Thanks. You come in here just to compliment my writing, or are you trying to butter me up about something?"

"No," I said. "Well, actually, kind of, yeah."

"What's up?"

"I want to go with Soda to see Sandy."

"Really? _Why_, Scout? Do you know what a long ride that will be? God, I just about went crazy in the truck going to the state meet, and that was only 6 hours or something."

"I don't care, Pony. I have to go. I have to talk to her. She's the only other person who really knows what I'm going through."

He was quiet and I knew he understood. For the first time ever, over the past two days, I had felt like Ponyboy actually understood me better than either Soda or Darry. I guess I was starting to see how everyone could say that we were so much alike.

"So, Darry said no, I assume?"

"He's thinking about it."

"What makes you think _I_ can change his mind one way or the other?"

"I don't. I just want you on my side."

"Scout, I hope you realize that, whether we've been getting along or not, when it's really come down to it, I've pretty much _always_ been on your side." I _had_ known that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good to hear him say it. I felt the same way towards him.

"I know… just… if he won't give in to me, maybe you could work on him, a little."

"_I'm_ not usually the best one to get Darry to change his mind, you know."

I laughed. He was definitely right about that. Pony and Darry _had_ come a long way, though.

"Just back me up if I need you to, okay?"

"Okay."

I was about to get up to leave, and Pony was turning back to his desk when I asked,

"Hey, Pony, in seventh grade, did you have to read that poem by that lady who was afraid of snakes?"

"Emily Dickinson. Yeah, why?"

"Did you ever feel that way, like she said in the poem? So scared you froze?"

He didn't answer right away.

"Yeah… when Johnny killed Bob. Actually I felt that way that whole night. 'Zero at the Bone,' right?"

"Yeah. Exactly." I knew he would remember.

"So… that's how this has been for you?" he asked, "that scary, huh?"

"Yeah."

"It'll get better. It will. It did for me."

"I hope so. I just… I think talking to Sandy might help."

"I'll do what I can, but it probably won't be much. Darry doesn't really care what I think."

"He cares more than you think he does," I said.

"Maybe," Pony said. "We'll see."

"Thanks, Pony," I said, getting up. He turned back to his writing.

"Don't thank me yet," he said, not turning around.

I left, closing the door behind me. I was surprised to find Darry in the living room talking to none other than Tim Shepard. I was going to try to just sneak past the door to my room, but he spotted me.

"Hey, kid," he said.

I stopped and leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey," I said quietly. Here was Tim, with whom I had, as Darry put it, "rolled around on a bed, fighting over a knife," and now I was feeling self-conscious around him. I had lied to him, right to his face. I was sure he thought that I was nothing but a coward, and I sort of even believed it myself.

"Why didn't 'cha tell me, kid? I woulda taken care of him for you."

"I know," I stared down at the floorboards. "I'm sorry, Tim. I just… I couldn't. I don't know why.""

"Don't be sorry, kid. I'm sure you had your reasons." He was _forgiving_ me, for lying to him? I was waiting for the other shoe to drop- for him to tell me that he'd kill me if I ever lied to him again- but it didn't.

I just stood there, feeling stupid. Darry must have sensed my discomfort, because he came over and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Tim just came by to make sure you were doing alright."

"I heard what happened, at the school. He didn't hurt you again, did he?" For the life of me, I could not figure out why Tim Shepard was so nice to me. But I completely appreciated him for it.

"No," I said. "I'm okay."

"Glad to hear it," he said, _almost_ smiling.

"Hey, Scout, I have to talk to Tim for a couple minutes, alone. You go finish up your homework, okay?"

I nodded.

"Bye, Tim," I said.

"Seeya, kid," he called after me as I left.

I went into my room and lay down on my bed. I had already finished my homework, and Darry knew it, but he knew I wouldn't argue with him, especially not in front of Tim.

He _had_ to let me go with Soda, I decided. I had talked with both Ben and Anna about it at school that day, and they both agreed that talking to Sandy would probably help me. I had even asked Anna to talk to Alison for me… I knew Darry really respected Alison's advice and depended on her to help him with me, being the only female with whom he had any sort of trusting relationship besides me.

In my own mind, I was already planning, thinking about what I would say to Sandy when I saw her. I was sure she had felt like I did, that she was the only one he'd hurt, that she was in it all alone. I felt terrible that I had ever hated her, when none of this had been her fault.

I had to go. I _had_ to.

I heard Soda come home, and heard him talking to Tim and Darry, and then was surprised to hear him knocking on my door. Usually he headed straight to the shower.

"Scout?"

"Yeah, come in," I said, and sat up. He came in and leaned against my dresser.

"You wanna…sit down?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm still dirty," he said. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down on the bed. I didn't care.

"Your bed's gonna smell like oil," he said.

"It's gonna smell like you," I said, "and that's not so bad." I did think of Soda whenever I smelled oil, and it didn't bother me.

"So… you don't usually visit me before you take a shower," I said.

"I know… just… I thought about this all day at work today, and I wanted to ask you something, before I talk to Darry about it."

"Okay."

"I know this is a huge thing to ask, and I'll understand if you say no, but I want you to come to Florida to see about Sandy with me. Would you?… come with me?"

I actually laughed out loud. Soda completely misinterpreted it.

"I know… it was stupid to ask. It's okay. I understand." He started to get up.

"No" I pulled him back down. "You don't get it. I _want_ to go, Soda. I already asked Darry if I could, last night."

"You did?"

"Yeah, and I've been recruiting backup to try to get him to say yes all day. I want to go. I _need_ to go. I need to talk to her, just the same as you do."

"I think so, too... that her talking to you is… I don't know… important. She knows that I wouldn't have ever let anything happen to you, if I knew... What did Darry say?"

"He's thinking about it."

"I'll get him to say yes." I knew Darry wouldn't say no to Soda and me both if it was what we really wanted.

"I hope so," I said. Soda stood up to leave.

"Hey, Soda?" I asked.

"Yeah?" He looked down at me.

"I just wanted to say… I mean… you don't have to hate him, just because of me. I understand…the drugs and everything…he has been a good friend to you, mostly."

"_Mostly_ doesn't apply when he hurts the two girls you love, Scout. Don't worry. I'll deal with him, when it's time. Right now you and Sandy are more important."

There was something else I had wanted to ask, something I had been wondering about.

"Did he, you think…I mean…" I couldn't ask it right.

"What?"

"Why didn't… do you think he hurt Evie, too?"

"I don't think so. Two-Bit is trying to find out. She is pretty upset about all of this. I hope not, though."

"But why wouldn't he…if that was why he…"

Soda took a deep breath, and looked at me like he was deciding what to say.

"It's not the same, baby. What he did to you, and Sandy… it had nothing to do with…"

"Sex," I said. "I know."

"I was going to say _love_," Soda said, "but yeah, both."

"I get it," I said.

"I wish you didn't have to," Soda said, and I knew he was sad that, at twelve, I had to have any ideas about violence and sex.

"I know," I said, sadly. "Me too."

He stood up. "I need to take a shower," he said. "I'll talk to Darry after. I'll get him to let you come."

"Thanks, Soda,"

"I should be thanking you," he said. "I need you to come. She'll believe you… that I didn't know."

I lay back on my bed as Soda left to shower, eventually hearing Tim leave and Soda come out of the shower and talk to Darry. I tried to hear the conversation but was too lazy to get out of bed and listen at the door. I already knew what they were talking about. The phone rang as the two of them were talking, and Darry got up to take it in the kitchen. I could tell from his tone of voice that it was Alison. I just liked the way he sounded when he talked to her- the tinge of happiness that always colored his voice, even if the discussion was serious. Eventually I heard him hang up, and I was drifting off to sleep as I heard him come into the room.

I felt the bed sink as he sat down next to me.

"Scout, you're still in your clothes."

"Mmm." I had no energy to talk. I wanted to sleep.

"You activated all your reserves, huh?"

"Hmm?"

"Everybody wants you to go. They think you _should_ go, with Soda. So, I give in. You win."

"Thanks…" I mumbled. I was barely awake. I felt him pull off my shoes and pull up the covers over me. I was surprised to feel his hand pushing my hair back. He kissed me on my forehead, and whispered in my ear:

"I hope it helps, baby… to make you better."

Me, too, I remember thinking, as sleep overtook me.

......................

**A/N: Again, the poem referred to is A Narrow Fellow in the Grass, by Emily Dickinson. I know things are a little slow here, after all the action- thanks for sticking with me!**

**Go Pats! Oh yeah, my team got robbed! No Super Bowl for us this year! Go (insert your preferred team here)!**


	42. The Ride

I spent the whole rest of the week thinking about what I would say to Sandy. I couldn't believe how important it had become to me to see her. We had always been friendly with each other, and I had always liked her, but she had been little more to me than my brother's girlfriend. Suddenly I was feeling a bond with her that felt just as important as any connection that I had ever felt with anyone.

She knew. Just knowing _that_, that there was somebody else out there who had been through what I had, was huge.

Ben and Anna had helped me decide that, as soon as I could, I should talk to her, alone. No matter how many times Ben had asked, or how many times I felt like I couldn't hold everything inside, I had not told _anyone_ the details of what had happened that night. I just couldn't, and I wasn't even sure why. Maybe I still felt like it would look like I had somehow asked for it, or deserved it… I didn't know. But I was sure that, with Sandy, I would want to talk about it, I would _need_ to talk about it. And she would get it. She would know.

We had planned to leave in the morning on Saturday, and by the time Friday rolled around, I was feeling sick with anticipation. Literally. I was achy and cranky and felt tired, even though I had been sleeping much better with Darry in the other bed in my room. Darry, himself, was just as antsy about the whole trip as both Soda and I seemed to be. It occurred to me what a huge stretch it was for Darry to allow the two of us to go - to drive to a place half a day away, where we had no real clear idea of what might happen. I was actually pretty glad that Two-Bit was coming along for the ride. If things didn't turn out well with Sandy, at least Soda would have someone else who could drive on the way home, and support him. I didn't think a twelve year-old kid sister would be much help for a seventeen year-old whose girlfriend just rejected him.

But I didn't see how she could. He knew, now, about Steve… and everything, and he _still_ wanted her. I just prayed she wouldn't hurt him again, when he clearly loved her so much.

Darry was like a mother hen that Saturday morning, checking and double-checking that we had everything we needed: snacks, drinks, blankets and pillows (we planned to just sleep in the car, rather than wasting money on a hotel somewhere…), a spare key in case we somehow lost the car key, maps, etc. He handed Soda an envelope as we climbed into the car, telling him to keep it safe, in case of an emergency. I knew it was money- maybe even a lot.

Next he came over to me and handed me another envelope with some money inside.

"I want you to call home, every time you stop somewhere with a phone, okay?" he said. "Just so we know where you are, and that you're okay."

I must have looked surprised that he had entrusted me with this task.

"They won't do it," he said, motioning to Soda and Two-Bit, "but I know you will." He was right, I would. "I just need to know that everything is alright. So call home, okay?"

I nodded, and snaked my arms around his neck, standing up on the car frame so I was eye to eye with him.

"Thank you, Darry," I said, "for letting me go."

"I hope it helps you… to talk to her," he said, sadly.

"Me too," I said, kissing him on the cheek. He hugged me tightly as Soda started the car and Two-Bit settled into the front seat with a Pepsi.

"See you on Monday," I said, letting go of him.

"Be good, baby," he said. I smiled up at him.

"We'll be fine, Darry. Don't worry." I knew he still would, though.

"You call, okay?" he whispered in my ear. "Drive safe, you two," he said to Soda and Two-Bit.

"Will do," Soda said, and, with that, he put the car into gear and headed out of the driveway.

And so began our roadtrip.

…………………..

The first six hours or so weren't so bad. We talked, listened to the radio, and played stupid games involving making words out of license plate letters and guessing what famous person one of us was thinking of using only yes/no questions.

But the novelty wore off soon after. I was increasingly uncomfortable and cranky and couldn't find any position except lying down that was comfortable, but that made me feel carsick. Arkansas has been tolerable, but Mississippi was insufferable. Not to mention the fact that, for a great deal of the time, we felt like we were the only people with white skin in the whole state. Late Saturday night, after being stuck in a four hour traffic jam due to an accident, we pulled over to get gas. There wasn't a white person to be seen, anywhere.

"Can I help you?" A black man was at Soda's window. I didn't even try to get out to call Darry, though I knew he was probably sitting by the phone.

"Fill it up," Soda said, and he did. Soda handed him some cash and the man went into the office to get change, coming out and returning to the car, handing Soda some money.

"Thanks," Soda said. I was in awe. In Tulsa we never got to see black people, really. They had their own part of town.

"Well, this is an experience," Two-Bit said.

"It's Mississippi," Soda said. I wasn't sure what that meant.

Eventually, it was almost ten o'clock, and I convinced Soda to pull over, in the parking lot of a 24-hour diner. He figured that nobody would ever check the cars there, so it would be safe to sleep there, in the car. He and Two-Bit headed in to get some food, while I stopped inside the door, at the phone, to call home.

"Scout?" Darry answered before the first ring ended.

"We're fine, Darry. I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance to call before."

"Where are you?"

"Almost in Alabama. We got stuck in traffic for a long time."

"Where'd you stop?"

"At a diner."

"Where's Soda and Two-Bit?" Figures, he was worried that they'd left me.

"They're right here, Darry," I motioned Soda over.

"Put him on."

"Okay, here's Soda." I handed the phone to him.

"Hey Darry," he said, as I went over to the booth to sit with Two-Bit.

Eventually, Soda hung up and came over to sit with us. We ate dinner and headed back out to the car for the night. The parking lot was full and I was sure nobody would find us sleeping there. Two-Bit got the front seat, Soda got the back, and I got the floor of the backseat, cushioned with pillows. We all lay there for a long time, tossing and turning, and talking in the interim. Eventually, I heard Two-Bit softly snoring in the front seat. Soda sounded like he might be sleeping, as well.

I lay there, thinking, for a long time, achy and uncomfortable, listening to people going in and out of the diner.

"Scout?" It was Soda, barely a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? Why are you awake, still?"

"I'm okay. I just don't sleep very well."

Soda rolled over to the edge of the back seat, hanging his hand over the side to rub my back.

"Are you scared?"

"Not really," I answered. I wasn't, with Soda and Two-Bit right there.

"Come up here," he said, pulling me up to the seat. I climbed up next to him.

He hugged me and I realized that he was crying, a little.

"What, Soda?" I asked. "_What?"_

"What if she hates me, Scout?" he whispered, through his crying. "What if she still doesn't want me?"

"She will," I prayed, hugging him back.

We just lay there for a while.

"_Scout?_" he said, even more tentative than the first time.

"What?" I whispered.

"Can you…" he started to cry again.

"_What?_" I asked.

"Do you think… can you tell me how it happened?" he asked.

I was shocked.

"_Why?_" I asked.

"I just… I need to know what happened to her… so I can help her… so I don't scare her…or you. I don't want to scare you."

"I'm not scared of you, Soda," I said, though I knew that, a little bit, I was scared of everyone.

I wasn't sure if I could tell him. I hadn't talked about it with anyone, and I had sworn that I wouldn't, except maybe with Sandy.

"I don't know, Soda…" I said. I was afraid of telling him. I was afraid he would judge me, if he knew what had happened.

He hugged me tighter.

"_Please_," he said. "I need to know."

"I'm scared…to tell…" I said. I was starting to cry now, too.

"Don't be scared, baby," he said, "it's just me."

I thought about it. I wanted to tell… I _needed _to tell, and I had planned to tell… Sandy. But here… Soda wanted to know, so he could know what had happened to Sandy. Oh, God.

"I know," he said, "it was that night. My birthday, right?" he asked. Of course he knew; he had seen me the next morning.

I nodded against him.

"How did it happen?" he whispered. I heard Two-Bit, still snoring softly in the front seat.

"Soda…" I didn't want to do this.

"_Please, Scout_," he begged. "You can tell me."

I hesitated.

"It's okay," he whispered, pulling me tight against him.

"You went to bed, I heard you," I whispered. "He was on the couch."

Soda was pushing my hair back off my face, holding me.

"I got up… to go to the bathroom…" I shuddered, remembering.

"You're okay," Soda said. "What happened?"

"I went to turn off the TV," I said.

He waited.

"I tripped, and I fell. I was _drunk_, Soda."

"Baby, that doesn't matter. It wasn't your fault."

I was silent.

"What happened?" he asked. "Tell me."

I fell on him," I answered. "I woke him up."

Soda just held me, stroking my hair.

"He knew I had been drinking. He knew I was drunk," I said. "He pushed me against the wall and he…" I was crying now, trying not to wake up Two-Bit.

Soda was crying too.

"He was kissing me, and I couldn't breathe… I didn't _want_ to... kiss him... I couldn't get away... I bit him and I tried to get away, but he… he just _got _me. He grabbed me and he took me in my room … I couldn't get _away_, Soda. I _tried_, so hard... I kicked, and punched, and bit, and everything...but he wouldn't let me go. It was only... because Darry came home."

Soda hugged me to him and whispered in my ear.

"I'm sorry, baby… That I didn't help you."

"I know," I said. "He just scared me, Soda. He hurt me." I pulled him against me, as tightly as I could. I knew he would never hurt me.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I am."

We just lay there, for the longest time, holding each other. This was my moment, with Soda, like the one I'd had with Darry after our parents died, and the one I'd had with Pony, looking at the stars at the church. I had always thought that Soda and I were the closest, that we never needed a "moment," but I was glad that he was the one I had opened up to then. I needed him.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," he whispered. I knew that he was.

"I love you Soda," I said, as I was falling asleep. My back hurt and I struggled to get comfortable, not wanting to let go of him.

Eventually, I found a comfortable position and faded into sleep, Soda's arms tightly around me.

**.........................................  
**

**A/N OI. Missed a day. Did ya miss me? Work is brutal this week. Review, please, but I know you will, 'cause you rock!**


	43. The Surprise

We all slept terribly, and were up at the crack of dawn. Soda wanted to get on the road right away, but Two-Bit insisted that, since we were actually sitting in the parking lot of a diner, we ought to take advantage of their breakfast offerings.

I headed into the diner with a small bag to change my clothes and brush my hair and teeth. My back was killing me, and I felt achy all over. I made a mental note that, once this trip was over, I would never again willingly sleep in a car.

Two-Bit got us a table while Soda and I went into the bathrooms. I brushed my teeth and hair, then went into the stall to change. As I sat down to pee, I glanced down and noticed a dark stain on my underwear.

For a second I was not sure how to feel. I had been waiting for this- Lord knows, Anna had been pestering me constantly about whether "it" had happened yet, but truly, I could not think of a less convenient and awkward place or time for "it" to happen.

I almost wanted to cry. How the heck was I gonna take care of this little... situation? I changed into different clothes, and stuffed some toilet paper down there for the time being. I really didn't want to tell Soda or Two-Bit about it, but I didn't really see any alternative. There was no way I could just get Soda to drive me to a pharmacy, with no explanation… and even if I did, he'd want to come in with me. I leaned against the sink, pondering my options.

I must have been in there quite a while, because suddenly Soda was knocking on the door.

"Scout, are you okay in there? You're not sick or something, are you?"

Well, actually it's the "or something," I was thinking.

"I'm okay," I called out. "I'm coming out right now."

I pushed the door open and Soda was standing right there. He put his arm around my shoulder and guided me over to the booth. He sat down, but I didn't.

"C'mon, Scout, sit down," he said.

"I think I'm gonna call Darry first." I knew he would be awake, even if it was early. Darry hardly ever slept past six.

"What, are you going to assure him none of us died in our sleep?"

"Maybe. Just order me bacon and eggs," I said, heading over to the phone. I was glad it was actually in a booth, I didn't really need any strangers hearing what was sure to be an already embarrassing conversation.

I had no idea how much money to put in the phone, so I started off with fifty cents. I guess it worked because I dialed and it rang.

"Hello?" Darry got it on the third ring.

"Hi, Darry... it's me."

"You guys are up early," he said. "Soda's rolling hotel wasn't so comfortable, huh?"

"Not really."

I guess he had expected me to laugh, and, when I didn't, he knew something was up.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's okay."

"Are you sure? You sound funny."

"Well… I kind of have a small problem, actually."

"What's the matter?" he sounded worried.

"It's nothing bad, just…embarrassing, kind of."

"Scout, come on… What's going on?"

"Promise you won't laugh at me?"

"I promise."

"I kind of…uh, well, I woke up today with a little problem…a _female_ kind of problem."

He was quiet, and I knew he knew what I was talking about.

"I guess it's not really the best timing for that, huh?" He actually sounded sympathetic.

"Yeah, not really."

"Did you tell Soda?"

"No."

"Why, Scout? He knows about that stuff."

I didn't say anything. I wasn't dying to tell Soda and have him tell Two-Bit and have them both making fun of me while I was stuck with the two of them for the next two days.

"I don't want them to make fun of me," I admitted.

"They won't. But I'm glad you told me," he said. "Can you put him on?"

"Are you going to tell him?" I asked.

"Well somebody's gonna have to," he said. "You, or me?"

"You," I replied. I realized that Darry would put the fear of God into Soda about him and Two-Bit teasing me, too, probably. I remembered how he had threatened Two-Bit when he had snapped my bra.

"Put him on, Scout."

"Okay. Darry?"

"What?"

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

I stuck my head out of the phone booth and called Soda over. "He wants to talk to you," I said, handing him the phone. Then I went over and sat with Two-Bit, watching Soda through the glass. I knew exactly when Darry told him, as he turned and looked at me, with what looked to be a frown on his face. He talked for another minute and then hung up. He turned to look at me again, and then motioned me over. I got up and walked over to the phone booth, leaving Two-Bit to chat up the waitress.

Soda pulled me into the booth, sitting down on the seat and pulling me with him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. And he sounded kind of…_sad_.

"I was afraid you would make fun of me," I answered. "It's embarrassing."

"Not really," he said. "I mean, it's not like you can help it. You're growing up."

Well, yeah, obviously if I could have helped it, it would not be occurring right then.

I just stared at my feet.

"So, we'll make a stop after breakfast. Can it wait that long?"

"I think so." I wasn't really sure. Anna had told me that the first time it wasn't usually much. "Are you gonna tell Two-Bit?"

"Not if you don't want me to," he said. "You know, Scout, guys do know about these things. I mean, Two-Bit's almost nineteen."

"I know," I said.

"I just... I wish you woulda felt like you coulda _told_ me," he said.

"Sorry," I said. "I guess I was just a little…surprised. It's not that I don't trust you, I was just embarrassed."

"Well, don't be. And nobody's gonna make fun of you. Or they'll answer to me." That was funny, and I laughed. Two-Bit could crush Soda if he wanted to.

"C'mon, lets go eat," he said, pulling me up and over to our waiting breakfast.

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**A/N: How awkward, huh? Poor Scout! I am dying to know what you all think of this, so review, please!** **It's funny that this is the chapter that happened on Good Fic Day!**


	44. The Teasing

After breakfast, we all hit the bathroom again and then headed out to the car. The diner was right off of the highway, and Two-Bit was surprised when, instead of getting back on the highway, Soda started to head into the nearest town.

"Where we goin'?" He asked. "I thought you were all gung-ho to get to Florida."

"We just have to make a stop," Soda said.

"Oh yeah? For what?"

"Scout forgot her toothbrush," Soda lied. I felt bad. Soda is definitely _not_, by nature, a liar. Two-Bit didn't seem to doubt him, though. I realized that it would be blatantly obvious that he had lied when I came out with a bag holding something considerably larger than a toothbrush, though. I had a pretty strong suspicion that, while I was inside, Soda would tell Two-Bit the real story anyway, so I just let it go.

Soda pulled up at a pharmacy in the center of the small town and I was relieved to see that they were open, considering how early we had started the day. Soda turned and handed me some money over the seat.

"You want me to come in?"

"No. Do you want anything?"

"I'll take a cold soda if they have one."

"I'll come in," Two-Bit said.

"No way," Soda nipped that idea in the bud. "I ain't lettin' you get arrested for stealin' this far from home. You get in trouble here, and I'll just leave you in Mississippi. I'm serious."

"Aw, c'mon Soda, I'll be good."

"Well, let's not play with fire, Two-Bit. You're stayin' here. Get us both sodas, 'kay Scout?"

"Okay. I'll be right back."

I was not thrilled to be doing it alone, but I walked into the pharmacy and picked out what I needed. While I waited in line to pay, I started thinking about my Mom, and how much I wished she were still alive to help me out with stuff like this. This was just one of many "firsts" that I knew I would have to get through all by myself. It wasn't fair, and thinking about it just about made me cry.

Of course, as soon as I had paid for my stuff, along with Soda and Two-Bit's drinks, I headed straight for the public bathroom in the back of the store. I took care of things in there, and headed back out to the car.

It was obvious as soon as I got in the car that Soda had told. Two-Bit was grinning like a little kid. And, if Soda had included the part about Darry threatening to kill them if they made fun of me, the temptation was just too much for Two-Bit. It probably helped that Darry was not actually _there_, at the time, to follow through on his threat.

"That's a pretty big toothbrush," he said as I climbed in and handed the bottles into the front seat. Soda punched him in the arm and shot him a glance that told him to shut up just as well as any words ever could.

I didn't say anything, but I knew my face was red. He didn't stop.

"Geez, Scout, I never knew anybody to look so embarrassed about a toothbrush before, even a giant one like you got. I mean, I know stuff gets bigger on girls when they grow up, but I didn't know their teeth got big, too," he said. He just kept right on going, and I was mortified to find that I was crying. Two-Bit's teasing had never bothered me before, in fact I had come to expect it - but thinking about my Mom had already put me on the verge of tears, and knowing I was stuck in an embarrassing situation that I couldn't get out of just served to send me over the edge.

When I didn't say anything again, Soda looked in the rear view mirror and saw me with tears running down my face. As soon as I saw him looking, I wiped them away, but I wasn't fast enough.

"Jesus Christ, Two-Bit," he said, opening his door and climbing out and into the backseat next to me.

"Don't cry, Scout. He's just being an asshole. I shouldn't have even said anything, obviously he ain't mature enough to handle it." He looked accusingly into the front seat.

"Shoot, Scooter... I'm sorry. I thought everything I said just bounced off you by this point." He seemed to truly regret saying anything, which was pretty rare for him. He usually teased relentlessly, with no apologies.

"It's not you," I said, trying in vain to stop the tears.

"What is it?" Soda asked, gently. "Is it because of… I mean… Is it scary for you or something?" I almost laughed. Female physiology is just so clearly a mystery to all males. He thought I was _scared_?

"No, I just…"

"What?" he asked.

"Do you want me to leave, so you can talk?" Two-Bit asked.

"No," I said. "I just … I wish I didn't have to go through this stuff all alone."

"You're not alone," Soda said.

"That's not what I mean, Soda. I miss _Mom_."

He pulled me in against him. "Me too."

"It's different for me, though. It's not _fair,_ that I don't get to have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff. It's just… I'm surrounded by _boys_. I just really miss her. I mean…she was supposed to be _around_ for all this stuff."

Soda didn't answer me right away, because I'm sure he knew that there was nothing he _could_ say that would change things for me. Mom wasn't coming back.

"You're right, baby," he finally said. "It isn't fair. Then you got jerks like Two-Bit, here, givin' you a hard time on top of it."

"It wasn't his fault. I was already almost crying, in the store. I'm fine, though. I'll get over it. It's not like missing Mom and Dad is anything new. Go ahead back up front and drive. I know you want to get going, and we already got slowed down once 'cause of me."

"How 'bout I drive?" Two-Bit suggested. "As my punishment for being a jerk, which I was. I'm sorry, Scout. So can I chauffeur you two?"

"It's fine, Two-Bit. I know you weren't trying to be mean," I said. It really _hadn't_ been him that upset me. But, if it would get him to lay off with the teasing, I was willing to let him feel a little guilty.

Soda handed him the keys, and Two-Bit slid over to the driver's seat.

"I miss her, too," Soda whispered, as Two-Bit started the car, "but I can see how it's harder for you."

Two-Bit drove the rest of the way, and, as we finally bade farewell to Mississippi and entered Alabama. I could see Soda getting more and more tense, the closer we got to our destination. As we crossed out of Alabama into Florida, I slid over closer to him and took his hand. It was less than an hour's drive into Florida to get to where she was.

"Do you know what you're going to say, when you see her?"

He shook his head no.

"So you're just gonna go up to the door and ring the doorbell, and see what happens?"

"Pretty much." I couldn't believe he hadn't been thinking about what he wanted to say, considering that was pretty much _all_ I had been doing since Darry told me I could go.

"Am I crazy, for doing this?" he asked. "I mean, I don't know what else I could do. I _have_ to talk to her. Even if it turns out she really doesn't want me, I can't leave things like they are, I mean, now that I know… God, I still can't believe that he did this to her…and you."

"And _you, too_, Soda. I think he hurt you almost as much as either of us."

He just shook his head.

"Will you come with me, to the door? Will you just stand there, with me?"

"You _want_ me to?" I had figured this was something he wanted to handle alone- at first, anyway. Two-Bit and I were just backup, I had thought.

"I want you to. She might be nicer to me if you are there, too."

"Okay." I couldn't believe that he thought she was going to be mean to him after he had come all this way to see him. She'd better not.

As we finally turned down the street that we had been driving for almost fifteen hours to reach, I looked over at Soda. He looked terrified. I took his hand, again, and he looked over at me.

"Everything will be okay," I said, trying to sound convincing. Soda tried to smile.

"Don't park in front of the house," he told Two-Bit, and he pulled up in front of number seventeen. Sandy's grandmother's number was twenty-five.

"I just don't want them to get suspicious, hearing a car pull up and park there."

Two-Bit turned off the ignition, and we all sat in silence for a minute. I almost felt like I should be praying that things would go okay. Finally, Soda took a deep breath and turned to me.

"Ready?"

"Yes," I said. "Are _you_?"

"I hope so," he said, and he opened the door, pulling me out behind him. I wasn't surprised when he leaned up against the car and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lighting one. I supposed it was sort of a testament to how much he cared about Sandy- I had never seen him smoke as much as he did when he was stressed out over her. I just stood there, waiting. Two-Bit motioned me over to his window.

I went over and leaned in.

"Sorry… about before."

"Forget it. I miss my Mom, that's all. I mean, you can tease your sister about all that girl stuff, but…she has your Mom. I don't."

"I know," he said. "So... that's why I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it," I said, good-naturedly slapping him on the cheek and heading back to stand with Soda.

After a few minutes, he threw down the cigarette, stomping it out with his heel. He leaned down and said, through the window, to Two-Bit,

"Wish me luck, man."

"Luck," Two-Bit said. "You deserve it, buddy."

He grabbed my hand, and we walked down the sidewalk to number twenty-five. It was hot out, and humid, and our hands were sweating, but he didn't let go. In fact, the closer we got, the tighter he held.

The house was small, but well-maintained. There was a flowerbed on each side of the stairs that led up to the front door. I noticed there was a car in the driveway, and hoped Sandy was home. I hadn't even thought about the fact that she might not be there anymore.

There was no doorbell, but there was a knocker on the door, a fancy brass one, with engraving. "Carson," it read, and I remembered from Soda's returned letter that her name was Sandy Carson. Must be her Dad's mother, I figured.

Soda looked at me and I looked back up at him, showing him my crossed fingers.

He lifted up the handle, and knocked, decisively.

....................................

**A/N: You're the best, reader/reviewers!**


	45. The Reunion

I could hear footsteps coming toward the door, and then there was a metallic scratching sound, as the lock was turned. The door opened, and there stood Sandy, temporarily blinded by the bright sunlight. As her eyes adjusted, she looked nothing short of absolutely shocked to see the two of us standing there.

"Hi," Soda said, incredibly calmly for a guy who had been pining away for months about a girl who now stood perfectly within his reach.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, finally. I couldn't tell if she was angry, or excited, or just plain surprised. One thing, though- I had forgotten how pretty she was. The Florida sun had done her no disservice either. Her skin was golden and her hair was blonder than I remembered. Her blue eyes were stunning in the light. I looked down and saw a slight belly on her, but nothing like I had been imagining a pregnant girl would look like.

"I needed to talk to you," Soda said.

"So you came all the way here?"

"I had to. You wouldn't take my calls, or read my letters."

"I never got any letters... You _called_ me?"

I figured this to be a good sign. _She_ hadn't sent the letters back, and apparently when Soda had talked to her grandmother and she had said that Sandy didn't want to talk to him, that had been a lie, too.

"Alexandra, who is it?" a voice called from behind her, and a short woman came into the room wearing an apron and holding a dishtowel.

I was a little worried about how things would go next, to be honest.

"Uh, Nana, this is a friend of mine…from school."

She came over, putting the towel into her apron pocket.

"So… Does your friend have a name?"

It was so clear, immediately, that we were not going to be able to lie our way out of this one, that, I guess, Sandy just gave up.

"Actually, Nana, he's a friend from my _old_ school…in Tulsa. This is Soda, and his sister, Scout."

Nana did _not_ look happy.

"How _dare_ you, she started in on us, "just showing up like this. We've _told_ you to stay away from Alexandra, and we _meant_ it. Haven't you already done enough? And, what's this- you bring your _sister_ along with you? Shame on you, dragging a child into all of this."

I wanted to disappear, or die. Seriously. Soda and Sandy didn't look much better.

"Stop it, Nana," Sandy said, turning toward her. "Why didn't you tell me he had called? And sent letters?"

"We all just felt it would be for the best. I mean, after what he did to you…"

"He didn't do it," I said. Then, as an afterthought, I added "ma'am."

Sandy looked miserable as she looked down at me.

"I know, Sandy," I said, so only she could hear. "I know it was Steve."

Her expression turned to disbelief.

"_We_ know," Soda whispered. "Could we talk somewhere… alone?"

Sandy turned to face her grandmother.

"Nana… Listen, _Soda_ didn't hurt me. I lied. He just drove all the way here to talk to me, so I am going to listen. I _owe_ him that. Especially if everyone has been lying to me and not even telling me that he has been trying to contact me."

"Honey… listen. You should..."

"No, Nana. I'll be back, later. But right now, I'm going with him to talk. _Alone_." She grabbed his hand and started out the door.

Good for you, Sandy, I thought, shrugging my shoulders at her Nana and turning to follow.

Soda stopped her in front of the next house, and turned to face her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He was almost crying. "God, Sandy… I _love_ you. No matter what. And.. it wasn't your fault."

"I…just…" she started.

"He did it to me, too," I said. She spun around to face me.

"_What?_"

"He hurt me, too," I said.

"No… Oh, my _God_… No, Scout…"

"He didn't…he didn't rape me. But, he almost did. Darry came home, and he ran."

She was crying then.

"I never thought… I thought it was only _me_. I swear, Soda, if I knew…I would have,..Oh my _God_, Scout. I would have talked in a second if I ever thought he would hurt somebody else. You're just... God, how _could_ he?"

She was looking at Soda, and he pulled her in toward him.

"You didn't know, babe," Soda said, hugging her. "I wish I woulda figured it out."

"I didn't know, either… about you… I mean, I'm sorry, Sandy…I would have told Soda… I'm sorry," I managed to speak. At this point, we all were crying. Two-Bit, down the street, was leaning against the car, eyeing us all, with interest.

"Can we go somewhere else?" Sandy said, looking at her grandmother, still looking at us from the front porch. "To talk?"

"Wherever you want," Soda said, pulling her along. We all headed up the sidewalk to the car.

"Hey, Two-Bit," Sandy said, coming up to the car.

"Hey, yourself," he said, getting back into the driver's seat.

I went over to the passenger side and climbed in. Sandy and Soda got into the back, and Sandy directed us where to go. We ended up in a parking lot at the beach. Sandy and Soda whispered to each other and got out, and walked down to the water, holding hands. I sat in the car with Two-Bit.

"So, how'd it go?" he asked.

"She didn't know he ever called," I said, "or wrote."

Two-Bit shook his head.

"Her family all thinks it was Soda, that hurt her. But she told her grandmother she lied."

"Well, that's good, at least. How could anyone think that _Soda_ would hurt a girl?"

"I don't know."

"Wanna go play in the waves?" Two-Bit asked.

"Kinda," I admitted. We got out, and chased each other down to the ocean. Both of us had enough sense to stop short of the water and take off our shoes, before rolling up our pants and going in knee-deep.

I looked down the beach and saw Sandy and Soda sitting together, hugging. I just hoped it would work out. God, but he loved her. And nobody deserved to get what he wanted – what he needed- more than Soda.

Eventually, Two-Bit and I tired of playing in the water and we sat ourselves down in the sand, both of us drawing in it with our hands and feet as we waited for Soda and Sandy to return.

"Hey, Two-Bit?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uh, yeah. Sounds like you already are."

"Do you feel bad for Darry?"

"_What?"_

"Because he has to take care of us. I mean, you're almost as old as him, but you don't really have to worry about anything."

"I have a sister, remember?" he said.

"You have a _Mom_, Two-Bit. _You're_ not responsible for her."

"I guess not."

"So, do you?"

"I don't know… I mean, he_ loves _you guys. It's not like he's resentful, or something, that he has to be in charge."

"But it probably is really bad, and stressful, isn't it?"

"Where is this all coming from, Scout? Darry does a really good job with you all. You know how much he cares about you. Shoot, you and him probably get along the best of anyone, except maybe Pony and Soda."

"I know. I mean, _really,_ I know. But I wish he wouldn't have to. I just wish we were all grown up so he wouldn't have to take care of us."

Two-Bit, remarkably, was silent.

"I think you need to stop thinking so much. Things just _are_ what they are."

"I guess so, I said, and looked up to see Soda and Sandy walking back toward us.

Please, I wished, let this turn out right. I tried to read Soda's face as he came toward me, but I couldn't.

…………………………………

**A/N: Okay, well, you all said a short chapter is better than no chapter. So, short it is. I only have so many hours in the day in which to write!**


	46. The Letter

They walked up to us, hand in hand, and the closer they got, the more clearly I could see that Soda was relaxed. More so than I had seen him in a long time. I could only guess that the talk had gone well.

"You guys have fun in the water?" he asked.

"We always have fun," Two-Bit said. "Scout is a lot more like you than either of your _uptight _brothers. Us three, we're the fun ones."

I smiled across at him. I wasn't sure if that was actually accurate, but I liked the thought of it. Being told I was anything like Soda would always be a compliment, in my book. It seemed funny of him to say it, though, since he had just said that Darry and I got along so well. I liked to think I was a mix of all three brothers.

"Scout, you wanna go for a walk with me?" Sandy asked. Soda actually looked surprised, which was weird, since I assumed that _he_ would have been the one to suggest that she talk to me.

"Okay," I said, as Soda grabbed my hand and pulled me up. He sat down next to Two-Bit, and Sandy and I headed off in the opposite direction from which Soda and Sandy had come. This beach just seemed to go on forever.

We sat down a couple hundred yards from where we left the boys, and Sandy turned to face me.

"I'm really sorry, Scout. I mean, I guess if I would have told, nothing would have happened to you."

I didn't say anything at first, because I knew she was probably right.

"I didn't tell, either… I can completely understand why you didn't."

"I was scared… and ashamed. I mean, he was supposed to be Soda's best friend… and Evie is _my _friend…" she started crying. "I didn't know if anyone would even believe me."

"I know," I said. "I felt exactly the same. That's why I had to come here with Soda. Because I didn't think there was anyone else who knew how I felt, until I found out about you."

"I felt completely alone, too."

"I guess it turns out we're not."

"Guess not."

"How did it happen? I mean, how did he … get you?"

"It happened twice."

"Oh, God…_Sandy_…"

"The second time- that was when he really hurt me, when my parents sent me down here. I fought back that time. The first time, I was too scared. The first time, I cried, but hardly fought. He was driving me home… it was in his car. I was afraid to yell. I practically _let_ it happen. I hated myself for it… I still do... and now…" she looked down at her belly.

"Is it Steve's?" I asked, softly.

"I don't know," she said, sadly. "It could be…_either's_."

"What are you going to do?" I realized the ridiculous enormity of that question the minute I asked it.

"About the baby, you mean?"

"Well, that… and, well… _everything_, I guess. Soda really loves you, you know."

"I know. I love _him_, too. I was going to stay down here until I had the baby, but Soda wants me to come back with you. I _want_ to go back. But my family is not going to like that."

"Are you going to tell them the truth? That it wasn't Soda who hurt you?" It was killing me that there were people out there who actually thought Soda had hurt a girl.

"Yeah… I have to. I should have all along."

"Are you gonna keep it?"

"I don't know. My family says I can't. But… I don't know. I have a while to think about it, I guess. About five months."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I could hear Soda's laugh carrying in the breeze from where he sat with Two-Bit, and it was a nice sound; a sound I hadn't heard much of for a long time.

"He was miserable, you know. After you left."

"So was I," she admitted.

"Seems kind of dumb for you two to have to be apart if you don't _really_ have to," I said.

"I know."

"So how can that happen?" I just didn't want Soda to be so unhappy again.

"Well, I guess the first thing I have to do is go back and face my grandmother. Soda said he'd talk to her with me." She stood up.

"Sandy?" I called, as we walked back toward the boys.

"What?"

"It's real nice to not feel so alone anymore."

"I agree."

When we got back to Two-Bit and Soda, they stood up, brushing the sand from their behinds. Soda took Sandy's hand and pulled her toward him, kissing her forehead.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, resting her head on his shoulder as we walked back to the car.

"Whose car is this, anyway?" she asked. I realized how much she had missed since she'd been gone.

"Mine," Soda said, laughing. "Only the very best for my special lady." The car _ran_ okay, but looked pretty terrible.

We were quiet as we drove back to the house. Soda pulled up in front, and turned to us in the back.

"You guys stay in the car, okay?"

"Will do," Two-Bit said. Soda and Sandy walked back up to the house and we both climbed into the front seat. Two-Bit reached out and flipped on the radio.

"What do you think is gonna happen?" I asked him.

"I can honestly say... I have no idea."

"Her grandmother wasn't very happy to see Soda," I said.

"I know. I heard her yelling."

"I guess we'll find out."

It didn't take very long. We were only about two songs into sitting there waiting, when we both looked up to see Sandy coming out of the doorway, still yelling. Soda came out right behind her, looking extremely uncomfortable to be caught between the two of them. Two-Bit turned down the radio.

"You're making a big mistake, Alexandra!"

"Well it certainly won't be the first one! And probably not the last, either!"

"Well, I think that's quite obvious, judging from your situation!"

"God, Nana, how can you even say something like that after what I just told you? _Soda_ didn't hurt me. He _obviously_ cares about me, or else he wouldn't be here. The only reason _I_ am even here in the first place is because I _lied_!"

"They won't be happy about this!"

"Well maybe it's time people started thinking about whether or not _I'm_ happy! And I'm _not_ happy here!"

"Fine, then, go ahead back to Tulsa! Your parents can deal with this whole mess!"

"_I am!_ I'm going back with him! And I don't care what _anybody_ has to say about it!"

"Fine, then. _Go!_"

Sandy came running over to the car and jumped in, slamming the door behind her, and started crying hysterically. Soda climbed into the back next to her.

"Go, Two-Bit," she sobbed. "Just get us out of here."

"Do it," Soda said firmly, and Two-Bit started the car and took off down the street, taking us to the only place he knew how to get to: the beach, again. Sandy was clearly in no shape for giving directions to go anywhere else.

Two-Bit parked and turned off the car.

I noticed there was a pay phone on the wall outside where the restrooms were, and I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Two-Bit followed.

I used the bathroom, and picked up the phone to call Darry. I momentarily found myself hoping it wasn't Steve picking up, but then I remembered what had changed - that he was the whole reason for this trip to begin with.

"Curtises!" It was Pony.

"Hey, Pone."

"Hey, you. How's it going? Didja find Sandy?"

"Yeah, she's with us right now. I think she might be coming back with us, actually. I'm not really sure what is going on yet. But, Darry said to call, so I'm calling."

"Well, hang on, he's right here. You all still plan on bein' back tomorrow?"

"I think so," I said.

"Well, seeya then."

"'kay." I heard him pass the phone over to Darry.

"Hey, Scout. Where are you guys? You found her?"

"Yeah, we found her. She and Soda talked, and then she got in a fight with her grandmother, and now we're at the beach."

"Can I talk to Soda?"

"Well, actually, he's still in the car talking to Sandy."

"Oh. Did everything go okay with… the other thing? You got what you needed?"

"Yeah, that all went okay. I'm all set."

"The boys didn't give you a hard time, did they?"

I waited too long to answer.

"What did they say?"

"_Nothing_, Darry. Forget it."

"Is Two-Bit there?"

"Yes."

"Put him on."

"_Darry…_"

"Put him on, Scout. _Now_."

I looked over at Two-Bit, holding out the phone, and I'm pretty sure that he could tell from my expression that Darry didn't just want to chat about the weather.

"Sorry," I whispered, as I passed him the phone. I walked back over to the car, not wanting to watch Two-Bit get reamed over the line.

Soda was talking softly to Sandy in the backseat, his arms around her. I leaned in the window.

"Soda, I think Darry wants to talk to you." He turned to Sandy.

"You okay, now?" She nodded.

He got out and I slid in.

"You're really coming back with us?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I am," she said. I didn't ask what would happen if her parents wouldn't let her stay. I knew there was no way Darry would ever let her stay with us; Social Services would be all over that.

"Sandy?"

"Yeah?"

"I have something that I want to give you," I said, reaching down into my bag. I dug around and finally found what I had been looking for, pulling it out. It was the returned letter that I had taken out of the trash the night Soda had tossed it. I was glad that I never had written that angry letter I had considered.

She looked down at it, at the big "Return to Sender" on it, realizing what it was.

"How'd you…"

"I was angry at you. _Really_ angry, because I didn't understand how you could have just left him like that. I took that out of the trash because I wanted your address to write you an angry letter myself."

"I never got any letters, Scout. I _swear_. Or phone calls. She never said a word to me."

"I know. And I'm really sorry that I ever was so angry with you, especially now that I know what really happened. So I'm glad I saved that, because he wrote it for you."

I looked out and saw Soda still on the phone with Darry.

"I'm gonna go see what's up with those guys," I said. "But I really think you should read that."

She opened the letter and started to read it, and, as I looked back, I could see a smile cross her face, even as tears were falling.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N: Between-posting times are gonna be longer for a while... craziness here. Please Review, as always!**


	47. The Hotel

**A/N: I was going to post the contents of the letter as a separate chapter but decided to just insert it here. Just so you know what Soda wrote.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Sandy,

I know I was scared and worried about Ponyboy and Scout being missing when you left (I reckon you heard they're home now, and okay) but I still can't believe you really left. I just don't understand what happened. I get it, that there could have been someone else, but like I told you, I don't care. Was it something else I said, or did? I hope you know that if it was, I surely didn't mean it. I meant what I said. I love you anyway. I still want to be with you, no matter what.

I love you, Sandy. I love you so much and I thought you loved me, too. I know I was a mess with the kids gone, but now they're back, and I feel like just as bad a mess without you. Now I can give you all my attention again, but you ain't here. I can't think about anything else. At work, I make dumb mistakes all day, because I am thinking about you, and wanting to be with you, and wondering why you left me, instead of thinking about carburetors or oil changes or whatever I should think about at work.

I just want to talk to you. We'll make it work. Baby, I swear, I'll do whatever I have to do to make it work. Please, just write to me, or call me. I miss you something terrible, and now that things are okay at home, there's nothing I want more than a letter or a call from you. Talk to me, Sandy. Please. I miss you.

Love you always,

Sodapop Curtis

.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

.

.

I walked over toward the phone, where Soda was still talking.

"Sorry," I said, going over to Two-Bit. "You know I didn't say anything. He just figured it out."

"I know. I was right there."

"What'd he say to you?"

"I got what I deserved," he said. "I wasn't very sympathetic."

"You never are."

"Well, in this case, I shoulda been."

"Then you wouldn't 've been you."

"You dig me okay, Scout," he said.

"Well it isn't always easy, but I try," I responded. He reached out and squeezed my shoulder.

"Scout?" Soda called to me. I looked over.

"Darry wants you, again," he said.

I walked over and took the phone.

"Hi, Dar."

Two-Bit made you _cry?_" he asked.

"He _told_ you that?" God, Two-Bit, I thought, way to be honest. He must have known that I would never tell, but, still, he told anyway.

"It wasn't really him, Darry. I just wish … I mean, you know, I just miss Mom. She was supposed to still be here, for all this stuff."

"I know, baby. So don't let the boys make you feel bad, okay? I mean it. I know I'm not Mom, but I'll make sure you have somebody to talk to, okay?"

"I know," I said, softly. "Thanks, Darry, again."

"You're welcome," he said, and I thought – again - that if I had to lose my folks, at least I still had Darry, who was doing a pretty job in their stead.

I kept the phone up against my ear, assuming that he had something else to say, since he hadn't said goodbye. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Scout?"

"Yeah?"

"How's it going, with Soda and Sandy?"

"Good, I think. You know she's coming back with us?"

"Yeah. I'm not so sure that's the best idea, but Soda insists it's what they both want. He knows she can't stay with us."

There was another short silence, then he asked,

"Did you get to talk to her? About what you wanted to?"

"Yeah, a little bit. I was right, she felt the same as I did."

"Well, I hope it helps you to have her around, then … Soda says you're starting back this afternoon?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Look, Scout, you make sure they pull over before they fall asleep driving, okay? I even told Soda he can use that money for a hotel somewhere. Then at least you can all get some sleep. I know you want to get back, but I don't want Soda driving through the night."

"Are you sure?" I was surprised. I knew we needed that money for other things.

"Yeah, then you'll at least have a bathroom and a shower and everything." It occurred to me that he was probably taking into account my current situation, and, again, my appreciation for him swelled to new heights.

"Darry?"

"Yeah?"

"You're a good brother," I said.

"Well, remember that the next time you're upset with me."

"I'll try."

"Alright, well, I guess I'll see you sometime tomorrow then. It's supposed to rain, so I'll probably be home when you get back."

"Okay. See you then. Bye, Darry."

"Bye."

I turned to find that Soda had gone back to the car and Two-Bit was wandering around down by the water, skimming stones. Soda saw that I was off the phone and called me over.

"How'd you get this letter?" he asked.

"I picked it out of the trash."

"_Why?_"

"Because I was mad at Sandy for hurting you, and I was gonna write a mean letter to her. But I never did. But I still kept it, anyway, and after I found out what happened to her, what really happened, I thought she should have it."

Soda just stared at me.

"You certainly are full of surprises," he said.

"I'm real glad you saved it, Scout," Sandy said, leaning in to Soda.

"So are we going back now?" I asked. "Don't you need to get your stuff, Sandy?" I asked. She looked at her watch.

"My Nana goes to bridge club at one. So we can go back then and I can get a few things. I'll just send for the rest later."

"You hungry?" Soda asked us both. I hadn't thought about it, but I was.

"I could definitely eat something," I said. Soda yelled at Two-Bit to come back, and he took his sweet time making his way back over.

"We're gonna go eat," Soda said, climbing into the driver's seat. Two-Bit and I hopped in the back, and Sandy directed us to a diner a few blocks away. By the time we finished lunch, it was just past one, so we headed back to Sandy's grandmother's house and she and Soda went into the house to get some of her things. Two-Bit and I stayed in the car.

"So, I guess that's it," I said. "Mission accomplished."

"Right," Two-Bit countered. "Only fifteen more hours of driving to go."

I had to admit; I was not looking forward to that, either.

"Don't you think it was worth it, though?" I asked him. "I mean, do you see how they _look_ at each other? They were both miserable, and it wasn't even either of their faults."

"It was definitely worth it," Two-Bit said. "Soda deserves to be happy. I just wish Pensacola and Tulsa were a little bit closer together. I mean, I could do without ten plus hours in Mississippi and Alabama right now."

"Me too," I agreed. "Hey, but guess what?"

"What?"

"Darry said we can stay in a hotel tonight. We don't have to sleep in this wreck."

"You kidding me?"

"No, seriously. He is worried about you and Soda falling asleep driving, so I have to make sure we stop to sleep."

"Well, I'm more than happy to take him up on that offer, then," Two-Bit said, smiling.

Just then, Soda and Sandy emerged from the house with a couple of bags. Soda put them into the trunk and the two of them climbed into the front seat. He turned to face us.

"Next stop: Tulsa, Oklahoma." He turned the key in the ignition, put it into first, and we were off.

We were all in a much better mood this time than we had been on the way there. The uncertainty about what was going to happen had ridden in the car along with us on the trip down. But now even Sandy, who was the only one of us who _didn't_ know what was going to happen, seemed surprisingly happy. She sat in the middle in the front, leaning against Soda, the whole time. Every once in a while she would whisper something to him and he would laugh. Yeah, the drive had definitely been worth it. I couldn't wait to get home so Pony and Darry could have the old happy Soda back, too.

Two-Bit and I played stupid games in the backseat, making up stories about people in the cars passing alongside us, just like Ben and I had made up stories about the rich parents at Darry's football game the past fall. That seemed like it had been a million years ago- a completely different time. Dally had still been alive, and Johnny… Steve had been nothing more to me than an annoying pest… and Ben had been just my friend, nothing else. Things could just change so much, so fast. I decided to think about the one good thing that had happened since then… Ben. I was looking forward to getting home and seeing him.

We made it through Alabama and two-thirds of the way through Mississippi before I finally got Soda to pull off the highway. We found a hotel with a restaurant right across the street, and Soda pulled to the back of the parking lot.

"What are you doing, Soda?" I asked.

"Scout, think about how this looks. Two teenage guys, a teenage girl, and a twelve year old? They would never give us a room."

I guess it did look a little… questionable…

"Plus, Two-Bit's the only one over eighteen," Soda said. "He has to do it." Soda handed him the envelope with the money and Two-Bit walked over to the hotel office. A few minutes later, he was out, waving us over to a parking space near the far end of the line of rooms. Soda started the car and pulled over, parking in front of the door that read fifteen. We all climbed out as Two-Bit put the key in the door and opened it.

"Home sweet home," he said, and I felt a little sad, remembering how Pony had said that when he and Johnny and I had first gotten to the church. I banished the thought and followed the others into the room.

"Two-Bit, there's only one bed."

"Cheaper," he responded. That made sense. He knew we needed the money for other things every bit as much as the rest of us did.

"Girls get the bed," Soda said.

"Where are you gonna sleep?" I asked. They both looked at the one armchair in the room.

"I'll sleep on the floor," Soda said. "You can have the chair, Two-Bit."

"Or we could just snuggle up together," Two-Bit suggested, batting his eyelashes at Soda, who immediately swatted at him.

We brought our stuff in, and wandered across the street for a late dinner before bed. I stopped at the phone to call Darry again. I wasn't taking my assignment lightly.

"Scout?" he must have known it was me, calling so late.

"Yeah, hi, Darry. I just got them to stop. We're getting some dinner, then we're gonna go get some sleep."

"Good girl."

"Yeah, that makes me feel real tough, Darry, when you say that…"

He laughed.

"Okay, well y'all get some sleep, and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"'Kay, Darry. G' night."

"Night, Scout, and, thanks for calling."

"I do what you tell me to, you know that."

He laughed again. "Bye."

"Bye."

We ate dinner quickly and went back to the hotel. I think we all just wanted to get sleeping over with, and wake up and have it be morning so we could get back home. Sandy and I shared the bed, and Two-Bit got the chair. Soda took a pillow out of the closet and slept on the floor next to the bed.

The boys fell asleep almost immediately, while Sandy and I both tossed and turned. Finally, both of us lay still.

"Sandy?" I whispered. "You awake?"

"Yeah," she said.

"Did you get nightmares… about him?"

"Yeah, for awhile. They stopped, though."

"That's good."

"You still have them?"

"Sometimes. I hope they stop soon."

"Me too," she said. "They will, Scout."

Sometime after that we both drifted off, but then I was jolted awake by an enormous crack of thunder. I sat straight up in the bed, just in time to see lightning, followed by another deafening crash.

"Well ain't that a fine wake-up call," Two-Bit complained from his side of the darkness.

Soda sat up from where he had been sleeping on the floor next to the bed. Sandy hadn't even moved, which amazed me. Nobody in my family ever slept that soundly.

"That scare you, Scout?" The second he asked the question, another simultaneous flash and crash occurred. I could hear the rain beating against the window in torrents.

"Yeah, of course. Didn't it scare you?"

"You know what I mean." It was a well-known fact in the Curtis household that I was not particularly fond of thunderstorms, and, in fact, up until when my parents died, I would climb into their bed with them if a storm got really severe. "You wanna come down here with me?"

"No, I'm okay," I said, jumping slightly as another clap of thunder roared, then lying back down. I was less bothered by the storm than by the thought that the safety that I had felt in their bed, surrounded by both parents, was gone forever. I had thought more about them on this trip than I had in a long time.

As the storm moved on, it left just the steady beating of rain against the window, lulling us all back to sleep. As I drifted off, imagining the warmth of my parents bodies and their whispered words of comfort, I could feel my tears soaking the pillow.


	48. The Accident

I was the first one awake the next morning, and, when I grabbed the clock, I was surprised to see that it was almost nine. The rain was still coming down heavily, and the combination of the darkness and the steady sound of rain had kept us all asleep longer than I would have expected. Usually, I don't sleep very well in a strange place, but for some reason, despite being awakened by the storm, I had slept really well. I quietly got out a change of clothes and everything else I needed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. It felt good to wash away the accumulated grime of two days of traveling, and, changing into clean clothes, I felt like a new person. I couldn't wait to get home. Soda had told me we'd have about seven more hours of driving to reach Tulsa.

By the time I emerged from the bathroom, everybody else was awake.

"Mornin', sunshine!" Two-Bit said, jokingly.

"Morning," I said. "I guess we all must have been pretty tired, huh?" Soda rarely slept past seven-thirty or so.

"We have to be out of here by ten," Two-Bit said. "You get the bathroom next, Sandy. You girls take longer. Me an' Soda'll be quick."

Sandy took her bag and went into the bathroom. When I heard the water running, I sat down on the bed next to Soda.

"What's she gonna do, Soda? I mean, what if her parents won't let her stay? Where's she gonna go?"

"I'm not sure. I guess we're just gonna have to wait and see what happens. She wants to be in Tulsa. She didn't have any friends in Florida, she was miserable."

"I know. I'm just worried that she won't have anywhere to stay. I mean, you _know_ she can't stay with us."

"Oh yeah, your caseworker would have a field day with that," Two-Bit piped up from where he was sitting in the chair.

"We'll just have to take things as they come, Scout. We don't know how her parents are gonna react when they find out the truth. I'm sure by now her grandmother told them that she's coming back, so they've had time to think about it. Hopefully we can all discuss it like adults, and work it out."

I realized that, in fact, neither Soda nor Sandy _were_ adults. And Two-Bit _was_, which seemed completely backward.

"Remind me next time we're all four sharing a hotel room not to be the one sleepin' in the chair," Two-Bit whined. "My back's killin' me."

"That's because you're an old man," Soda said, jumping on him and causing the chair to topple over backward. They continued to wrestle on the floor, not stopping until about five minutes later, when Sandy opened the bathroom door. Two-Bit threw Soda to the side, leaped up, grabbed his bag, and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Beat ya!" He yelled from inside.

"He's _nuts_," Sandy said, laughing, and nobody argued.

We all managed to be washed and ready before ten, and braved the monsoon-like rain as we all ran out to the car and threw ourselves in. Even in the ten seconds it had taken to get to the car, we were all pretty much drenched.

"Nice weather they have here in Mississippi," Two-Bit said. "Let's get the hell out of this state!"

"I'm not gonna argue with that," Soda said, as he peeled out of the motel parking lot and headed back out toward the highway.

The traffic was slow, with the rain coming down in sheets, making it difficult to see. After about four hours of driving, we entered Arkansas, and we pulled off the highway to get some food. As we sat inside the diner, I had a strange feeling - like something was missing - until I realized that it was only that it was so quiet without the constant drumming of rain on the car that we had been listening to all morning. We ate quickly, and I know all of us were equally sick of being cooped up in the car. The weather certainly wasn't helping our moods, either. Even Two-Bit seemed to have run out of entertaining things to say. I called Darry to let him know where we were, and we got right back on the road.

Soda was on edge because the driving was so tedious, and, after skidding through puddles and nearly hitting guardrails several times, he made me switch sides with Two-Bit so I could put on the only seat belt in the back, and made Sandy move over to her side of the front so she could buckle up, too. Two-Bit immediately fell asleep on the passenger side, and Sandy started to drift off as well, leaning against the door. Soda and I were the only ones still awake to celebrate when we finally crossed back into Oklahoma. Normally, it would be about two more hours of driving to get home, but with the bad weather Soda guessed it would probably take almost three.

I was determined to stay awake so that he would have somebody to talk to, and we found plenty to talk about. As we got to the outskirts of Muskogee, which was about an hour outside of Tulsa, we were talking about Pony and how lucky he was to be able to draw and write like he does. I was debating telling him about the thing Ponyboy had written about our hands, and how all of us had different talents and gifts that our parents had helped us develop. I wasn't sure if he would be mad if I told Soda about it, so I didn't, really.

"Pony feels the same way about you, Soda, you know - how you know how to fix cars and stuff… he admires you for that."

"Nah, Pony's got the talents. That's just a job." He came to a stop at a red light.

"It's a skill, Soda. God knows, none of the rest of us can do anything with cars, certainly not Pony. I heard you trying to get him to help you fix up this car." Soda laughed, as the light changed to green.

"We're all just good at different things. So stop talking like you're dumb, because you're not."

"It's just…" He never got to finish the thought.

Before I knew what was happening, there was an explosion of metal against metal, as another car crashed violently into the passenger side of ours. Instantly, our car changed from moving forward to rolling, sideways. My head hit again and again against the doorframe as I felt the car roll once, twice, three times before skidding to a halt on its side, passenger side down. I was hanging, half upside-down, by my seatbelt.

There was noise – the sound of the rain on the car, the creaking and groaning as parts of the now broken car settled, the spinning of wheels in air now rather than against the road – but the lack of man-made noise scared me to death. Nobody in the car made a sound. It was a silence I recognized, and one that scared me – a silence I had heard once before, in the hallway on the night the cops came to tell us that our parents had been killed. It was a silence that meant sadness, death. I couldn't stand another second of that silence.

"_Soda!_" I screamed, looking around while frantically trying to undo my seat belt, which was proving next-to-impossible with my hanging weight pulling against it. Two-Bit was crumpled at the bottom of the car, not moving at all. I could see blood on the door window under him, although I wasn't sure where it was coming from. I couldn't see Soda or Sandy at all.

"_Soda!_" I screamed again. "_Sandy! Two-Bit!_" Just as I yelled Two-Bit's name, I managed to unhook the seat belt and came crashing down on top of him. This elicited a groan, but he didn't answer me when I shook his shoulder.

"_Two-Bit, c'mon! Wake up! Please! Wake up!_"

By this time, people who had seen the accident were gathering outside the car, and I could feel the car shaking as they climbed up it. A face appeared in the window at the top. I wondered what had happened to the glass and realized that it was all around me, and _on_ me.

"_Are you okay?_" the strange face in the window called.

"_My brother… in the front, the driver…is he okay?_" I was screaming at this stranger. He didn't answer.

"_Give me your hand!_"

I did, and he pulled me up and out the window, handing me down to someone on the ground. I ran around to the front and stared through the smashed windshield at Soda and Sandy, both still in their seat belts.

"_Soda! Answer me, Soda! Please!_" I begged, banging on the window, and quickly becoming hysterical when there was no response.

The bystanders were trying to calm me down, to pull me away from the car, but I fought against them, climbing back up the car get to where he was. I stuck my hand down to grab his, and was relieved when I called his name one more time and I felt him squeeze my hand the slightest bit. I sat there, on top of that car, in the pouring rain, holding his hand, until the paramedics came and loaded me, kicking and screaming, into an ambulance.

**A/N: I might stop Complexity here and start a new sequel under a new title... I'll post an author's note as a chapter here to let you know if I do. Don't worry... I'm not stopping Scout's story, just continuing it in a less-than 40+ chapter sequel. This is just very... long!**


	49. The ER

As soon as they got me in the ambulance, one guy held me down while the other one gave me a shot.

"_What's that for?_" I yelled, struggling to get free.

"To calm you down. Nobody can help you if you don't calm down."

"I don't _need_ help. Why couldn't I go in the ambulance with my brother?"

"Kid, you _do _need help. You're bleedin' all over the place." I looked down and saw that the whole left side of my shirt was bloody. I reached up under my hair and my hand came out covered in blood. I was so wet, anyway, from the rain, that I hadn't even noticed.

"You've got a pretty good gash there. You'll need stitches."

"What about my brother? What's wrong with him?" I had started to calm down, partly from whatever they gave me, and partly because I realized that was the only way I would ever get any information out of them.

"A concussion. They'll find out more at the hospital."

"What about our friends?"

"I really don't know, kid."

"Are they gonna die?"

"I can't answer that. First, the doctors have to find out what's wrong with them."

"I need to call my other brother. Will they let me call him, at the hospital?"

"The police will take care of notifying everyone's parents. They found identification on all three of the other victims."

Oh, God, I thought... if getting _this_ call doesn't send Darry over the edge, nothing will.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Scout Curtis."

How old are you?"

"Twelve."

"Alright, Scout, here's what's gonna happen. You're going to the Emergency Room. A doctor will come in and check you out there."

"Can I see my brother then?"

"That's not up to us."

We pulled up at the hospital and I was wheeled out of the ambulance and over to a bed. They picked me up by the sheets, and lifted me off the stretcher and onto the bed.

I was immediately surrounded by nurses and doctors, who all poked and prodded at me to no end. Each time that I heard commotion as a new patient was wheeled in, I asked if it was Soda or Two-Bit or Sandy, but they wouldn't tell me anything; they just kept saying that they were "being taken care of." Eventually, they decided they needed to send me for X-rays because of the cut on my head.

I was starting to get really groggy from whatever drug they had given me, and while I had felt fine right after the accident, now that the adrenaline had worn off, I was realizing how sore and bruised I actually was. My head was on fire, where the cut was, and both of my hips felt horribly sore from where the seat belt had dug into me. Little bruises were appearing everywhere on my arms and legs. They had insisted on taking away my clothes, except for my underwear, because they were completely soaked through and bloody, and had given me two hospital gowns to wear, one tying in front, and one in back, to cover me up. Also, the emotional aspect of what had happened was starting to sink in. Panic was starting to rise in me, the longer I had to wait for information on the others.

"Are you _sure_ somebody called my brother?" I asked a nurse

"The police handle that end of it, but I am sure they did, honey," she answered.

"How far away is this place from Tulsa?"

"About an hour."

I did the math. I had seen the clock when we came in, and it had been about an hour since then. I wanted Darry to get there more than _anything_, because there was no way he'd put up with not knowing what was going on with Soda and the others. He would find out.

They cleaned and stitched my head immediately after the X-ray. I was glad the cut was at the base of my head, so they only had to shave a small area of hair right at the bottom of my skull.

"Well, all patched up," the doctor said when he was done.

"How many?" I asked. Maybe I should get into the boys' game after all.

"Twenty-two." Not too bad. Just then another doctor came into the room.

"Your X-rays look fine," he said. "No fracture. You're gonna have a pretty good headache for a while, though."

"Well, if I am all fixed up, then, can I _please_ see my brother now? Can somebody please tell me if he is okay, at least? And our friends? _Please? _I_ really _need to see them_._" I was surprised to feel tears forming. I had been trying to hold it together, at least until Darry got there to handle things, but the stress was definitely getting to me. I guess, as it turned out, the tears were a good thing, because they agreed.

"He's been asking about you, too," the nurse said. "Stand up, we'll see if you can walk okay."

I didn't know what she was talking about until I actually moved to get up and realized how sore I was. It felt like I had pulled every muscle in my body. I made some sort of groan, and the nurse laughed.

"Happens all the time," she said. "People don't realize how much they tense up in an accident. I'll wheel you." She motioned to the wheelchair across the room.

I sat down, begrudgingly. I didn't want Soda to have to see me in a wheelchair, but I didn't want them to change their minds about letting me see him, either. I _had_ to see him. She wheeled me down a long corridor to a room at the end. As we entered, I saw Soda lying in the bed, his head wrapped in gauze to conceal the cut and bruise I knew he must have gotten from hitting the windshield. I looked at what I could see that wasn't under the blanket, and nothing looked too bad. His left hand was wrapped up, and his ribs were taped, and he had some bruises, same as me, but he was still _whole_, still Soda. I asked the nurse if I could get up, and she nodded. I walked over and brushed his face, gently.

"Hey, Soda," I whispered. He opened his eyes.

"Scout! _God_, I was worried about you. Nobody would tell me anything. Are you okay?" his eyes were wide with concern.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Mostly. I had to get stitches. What happened to you?"

"Concussion, busted my hand, broken ribs… They won't tell me anything about Sandy or Two-Bit… Just that they're alive. I'm scared, Scout. I mean, Sandy… the _baby_ and everything."

"I know," I said. I remembered how Soda had climbed in my hospital bed with me, after I got lost, and how much it had comforted me. I wanted to climb in with him, and was deciding whether or not to ask when he suggested it.

"C'mon," he said. "Climb in." He patted the bed next to him. I lowered the side bar and slid in next to him.

"Do you hurt?" I asked, snuggling against his chest.

"Everywhere," he said.

"Me too," I agreed. I just was closing my eyes when there was a commotion in the hall, and Darry and Ponyboy came rushing in the door.

"_Darry! Pony!_" The tears rose in my eyes the second I saw them. Boy, was I ever glad to see them, but they looked horrible. They both looked more worried than I had seen either of them look in a _long_ time. Darry ran over to the bed, sizing us both up, while Pony sat down on the other side of Soda, staring at us.

"Are you two okay? _God_, they wouldn't say anything on the phone, just that there was an accident and you were in the hospital. Jesus, you scared the _hell_ out of me," Darry said. He leaned over to hug me, looking at my stitches and the bruises on my arms.

"Anything else?" he asked me.

"Just sore, everywhere," I said. "And a big headache. They X-rayed my head but they said I'm okay."

"What about you, Soda?"

"Busted ribs, busted hand, concussion, and what Scout just said. Sore everywhere. Darry, they won't tell us anything about Sandy or Two-Bit. Can you go try to find out?"

Darry had returned to looking like Darry, once he realized that both of us were pretty much okay.

"The nurse said she'd send the doctor in to talk to me in a few minutes," Darry said. "I'll ask then. He might not tell us though, Soda. We're not family."

"They call her folks?"

"I assume so, but I don't know. What happened, anyway? Were you driving too fast?" He sounded a bit accusing.

"No. I had just stopped at a light. I don't know, it happened so fast. I didn't even see anything coming. I don't even know what hit us."

"It wasn't his fault, Darry. The light was green. I saw it. I was looking right at it." I had been.

"So the other person ran the light?"

"I guess so. I didn't see it coming either. I was looking ahead. It didn't hit us on our side."

The doctor came in, just then. Darry introduced himself as our guardian, and he went over what happened to each of us with Darry. He said that they had to keep Soda overnight to monitor his concussion, and to cast his hand in the morning, but I was going to be released. I lay back down next to Soda while Darry and the doctor talked.

Finally, the doctor finished explaining to Darry what to look out for with the two of us that would mean he should take us back to the hospital. He asked if Darry had any questions.

"We were hoping you could tell us about the conditions of the other two passengers in the car. They're good friends of ours," I heard Darry ask, falling asleep again.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Curtis, but confidentiality practices here don't allow us to release information to non-family members. All I can tell you is that both of the other passengers are being treated in the Intensive Care Unit here."

"_I'm_ the father of the baby," Soda suddenly blurted out to the doctor, shocking my eyes back open. "Does that make me family enough?"

Darry and Pony both stared at me, wondering if what he'd said was true. I tried to give them a shrug that said I didn't know, without betraying Soda to the doctor.

He looked at Soda, and I think he was considering whether or not to give him any information.

"Her parents are with her now. I'll speak with them, and if they have no objections, I'll come back and update you on her condition."

"We'd appreciate that," Darry said, before Soda could say anything. Soda shot Darry a glance, and Darry shook his head. He knew arguing wasn't going to get Soda what he wanted. The doctor walked out, closing the door behind him.

"Her parents aren't gonna let him tell me anything," Soda grumbled.

"You don't know that, Soda," Darry said. "Maybe she got to talk to them."

"They _hate _me, Darry."

"Give them a chance, Soda. Things might have changed." Darry came over and squeezed his shoulder, then shifted his gaze to me.

"I brought you some clothes, baby. They said yours got soaked?"

"Yeah," I said. "And bloody. My head bled all over the place." I could feel dried blood in some of my hair and decided to try to wash it out in the bathroom when I changed. Darry handed me a bag full of clothes and I pried myself painfully off the bed and went into the bathroom to change. I was shocked to see that he had included some… well… feminine supplies. He must have taken them from Mom's stuff at home. Leave it to him to remember, and to think of that. I rinsed my hair as best I could in the sink and tried to dry it off.

"Thanks, Darry." I went over to him as soon as I emerged from the bathroom, and looked him in the eyes. "For everything." He knew what I meant, I could tell.

"You're welcome," he said. "I'm just glad you're okay. You want me to go see if they have a comb down at the gift shop?"

"I guess so." I knew my wet hair looked ridiculous. Darry stood up, and I lay back down next to Soda on the bed.

Pony came around and sat down next to me and rubbed my back. I was getting so tired. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it felt late. I didn't want to go home, though, and leave Soda in the hospital, alone. I wondered if Darry would just let us all stay. The doctor said I probably would be too sore to go to school the next day, anyway.

I heard the door open again, so I opened my eyes and saw Darry coming back in, followed by a familiar-looking woman and a little girl.

"Hello, Sodapop," she said, nodding toward him. "Ponyboy."

"Hi, Mrs. Mathews," they said simultaneously. Right, I knew I had recognized her. It was Two-Bit's mom, and his little sister, Katie. She was younger than me: ten, I think. I hadn't seen her in at least a year. She looked like she had been crying.

"Hi Katie," Soda said, then turned back to Mrs. Mathews. "How's Two-Bit doing?"

"Oh, he's keeping everybody entertained down there. He's got a broken leg and whatever pain medication they gave him is making him even loonier than usual. He sent us down to make sure you were okay."

"That's it? A broken leg?" Soda seemed relieved.

"Well, he's pretty banged up, but that's the only thing that's actually broken. He's going in for surgery tomorrow."

"Well, you tell him that me an' Scout are okay. Did you see my girl, Sandy, down there, by any chance? They said she was in there with him."

"Sorry, hon, but no, I didn't."

"Well, thanks for checking in on us, Mrs. Mathews. They're making me stay overnight, so I'll be around to see about Two-Bit and his surgery tomorrow."

"All right, Sodapop. You take care of yourself. You too, Scout."

"Thanks," I said. I didn't see her very often, but she was always so nice. It made me miss my own mom.

"Nice to see you again, Darry… Ponyboy."

"You too, ma'am," Darry said. I loved how polite he was with parents.

I was just lying back down, trying not to press against Soda's hurt ribs, but liking the warmth of him against me. I remembered the rain pounding against me on the car while I had held his hand. It had been cold, though I hadn't realized it then. I shivered, and Pony rubbed my back again. I felt Soda starting to fall asleep, and my own eyelids became heavy.

I awoke with a start to the door opening and slamming back against the wall. I opened my eyes to see a man I did not recognize coming over to the bed where I lay with Soda.

"How _dare_ you," he said, and was about to reach down and touch Soda until Darry stepped between the two of them. Darry had a good few inches on the guy, and a good thirty pounds of muscle, as well, but I didn't like the situation, regardless.

I scrambled to get out of bed, tripping over the bars, and nearly landing face first on the floor, but Pony caught me on my way down and pulled me up and into his arms. Strange men coming toward me in a bed was not something that was going to go over too well with me _or_ my brothers. Pony pulled me in against him. My heart was just about beating out of my chest. I buried my head in his shoulder.

"_What do you think you're doing? Who are you?_" There was no way Darry was gonna let this guy touch Soda.

"I'm Cal Carson, and I…"

"It's okay, Darry," Soda said. "He's Sandy's Dad."

**.........................  
**

**A/N: I'm taking Complexity to 50 chapters then starting over. Can't think of a title for the new one!** **Sorry about the long wait... was busted!**


	50. The Dad

"I don't care who you are," Darry said, "I won't have you touching my brother."

Darry's stance ensured that this guy would not be laying a hand on Soda. I admit, I was a little scared that there might actually be a fight, considering how angry Mr. Carson appeared.

"I should be having him arrested," Sandy's father yelled. "He had absolutely no right to have her in his car. She's a minor, and last I knew it was illegal to take off across state lines with a minor. I think they call that kidnapping."

"You know as well as I do that this was _not_ kidnapping," Darry said, in his I-really-want-to-yell-but-am-trying-with-all-my-might-not-to voice. "And Soda's just as much a minor as Sandy is."

"This is outrageous. You drive to Florida to kidnap my daughter and then involve her in a serious accident? I hope you realize you'll be paying for this." His glare at Soda was murderous.

That felt like a punch in the stomach to me. There was no way Darry could be responsible for her bill as well as mine and Soda's. He had explained to me after my last hospital stay how the state pays for most of our bills, but still… Holding Darry responsible for her bills was just unfair.

"The accident wasn't Soda's fault," I said, quietly. "The other car hit _us_."

Mr. Carson turned and stared at me like he hadn't even realized I was in the room, though he had to have seen me in the bed when he first came in. I felt Ponyboy tighten his grip on me.

"_Scout..._" Darry warned. I shut up quick.

"Well, I think it seems like a pretty convenient way you came up with, to make your little problem go away, Sodapop."

"_What?_" Soda was confused, and so was I.

"Exactly _what_ are you trying to say?" Darry's tone had gone from protective to confrontational. I guess he knew what her father was talking about.

"I'm trying to say that he had to know, in her state, what would be a likely result of a car accident, her wearing a seat belt and all."

I had no idea what he was talking about but I saw Soda's face take on a terrible mix of fear, anger, and disgust.

"Oh my God…did she… _the baby?_" Soda looked about to cry.

"Yes, she lost the baby, as I'm sure you expected."

That was all it took for Darry to lose it.

"Are you actually implying that Soda had an accident on _purpose_? Are you _crazy_? He had his little sister in the car, for Christ's sake! Any of them could have _died! _ I can't believe you would even think that! God, Soda dated Sandy for almost a year, don't you have _any_ idea what kind of a person he is?" He was no longer refraining from yelling.

"Darry…" I motioned behind him, as the door opened and a nurse peeked in.

"Everything all right in here?" It was pretty obvious that she did not want to mess with Darry.

"Fine, ma'am," Darry lied. "Sorry about the yelling."

"Okay," she said skeptically, and closed the door again.

"You've got some nerve," Darry started in on him again in as close to a yell as he could manage while still maintaining appropriate volume for a hospital. "There is no way Soda would _ever_ intentionally hurt anyone, least of all his sister and your daughter. God, to even _suggest_ it…"

"Well, he didn't seem to have any difficulty hurting her in the past. Maybe _you_ didn't get to see what she looked like, in the light of day, after her last night with you, Sodapop, but I did."

"It wasn't me," Soda broke in, and now he _was_ crying, a little bit. "I never hurt her. I love her, Mr. Carson. And when I found out that somebody had hurt her… _That's_ why I went to get her. I _love_ her. God, the baby… is Sandy okay, I mean, other than that? Can I see her? _Please?_"

"She'll be fine, eventually. Only family is allowed to visit. And you are _not_ family." His anger seemed to have lessened, somewhat, but he was by no means calm.

"Look, there's more to this story, and I think it would be helpful if we could discuss this as reasonable adults," Darry suggested. "Pony, take Scout down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I'll come get you when we're done here." His tone implied that arguing was not going to be tolerated. I felt a quick intake of breath as Pony temporarily considered complaining, but wisely thought better of it before any words actually left his mouth. He took my hand and we silently left the room. I was still so sore, but didn't want to deal with the humiliation of the wheelchair.

"This is not good," Pony said once we were in the corridor.

"I know," I said. "Do you think Darry will be okay?" I was worried, a little bit, _still_, that there might be a fight.

"He'll be okay. But he's not gonna let that guy put down Soda, either."

"Poor Sandy," I said. I was talking about losing the baby, but Pony misunderstood.

"Yeah, I guess having no parents is better than having a mean one like him."

"I guess." I felt horrible for her.

Pony noticed I was falling behind and stopped to wait for me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just real sore. The nurse said it happens all the time to people who have been in car accidents. 'Cause you tense up when you crash, or something."

"Well, you sit, then. I'll get you something and bring it back." He sat me in a chair in the hallway.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Surprise me." He knew what I liked and what I didn't.

I sat there, leaning my head back against the wall and trying to ignore the throbbing headache that the doctor had promised me I'd have. I was surprised, about fifteen minutes later, to see Sandy's father coming down the corridor. He didn't look quite as angry as before.

"Mr. Carson?" He must not have noticed that it was me sitting there, because he seemed startled when I spoke to him.

"Sorry… I didn't mean to scare you."

"What did you want?" he asked, almost nicely. He definitely sounded a little less angry, more…just… _worried_.

"I just wanted to tell you that Soda really does love Sandy. And he didn't hurt her. He never would. The person that hurt her, well… he hurt me, too. And Soda didn't know about that either."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Thanks. But the reason I wanted to tell you that, it's because I didn't have a Mom or Dad to help me get through what happened, but well, Sandy… she does. I'd give anything to have them back, but, Sandy… she still _has _you. I just… I hope you can work everything out, because it would be sad – for everybody - to not let her come back home… I mean, nothing that happened was her fault."

He just stared at me, and I eventually looked down, embarrassed. I probably shouldn't have said anything.

"I need to get back to Sandy," he said, finally.

"Okay," I said. He turned and headed down the hallway, just as Pony was returning with a hot chocolate and a sandwich for me, and a Pepsi for himself.

"What was that all about?" he asked, watching me watch Sandy's Dad disappear around the corner.

"Nothing…" I said "… just trying to make him see what he's missing out on."

"Oh yeah?" Pony reached down and pulled me up. "Well I think the two of us better get back to Soda and Darry and see just exactly what _we_ missed out on."

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Happy Good fic day! Thanks for reviewing.**


	51. The Homecoming

"So what happened?" Pony asked, immediately upon entering the room. I would have dealt with it a little differently, tried to get a feel for how things had gone, instead of just putting that question right out there, but that was just one of the many ways that Pony and I were different. I didn't really even have the energy to be annoyed with him for being so blunt. I just sank into the chair next to Darry. I was wondering about getting some more of whatever they had given me earlier for my headache and general body-ache. I just hurt all over.

"He didn't know," Soda said, "about Steve. He really thought that it was me. … that hurt her. She never said it was, but she never denied it either. She just let them assume, and they never even considered that they might be wrong." I could tell that Soda was hurt that they would think he'd do such a thing.

"And now?"

"I don't know… I guess he's a little calmer. He still ain't too happy with me, knowin' that we've … you know, been together, and all…but…"

"_Soda…_" Darry warned, and I knew it was for my benefit.

"Oh, _c'mon Darry_, it's not like I didn't know about that. I'm not _stupid_. I know how girls get pregnant." I had told Darry about Mom already having given me the sex talk, but I guess he still didn't want Soda or anyone else bringing it up around me. Truthfully, Pony got way more embarrassed by that kind of talk than I ever did. I glanced over at him and he was looking down at the floor.

I was trying to choke down some of the sandwich Pony had brought me, but, to be honest, I just wanted to lie down. I was cranky and sore and exhausted.

"Well, anyways, after they put the cast on my hand tomorrow and I see about Two-Bit, I'll try to see her. Maybe her dad'll come around a little by then."

"I hope you get to see her, Soda," I said. "But why can't they put a cast on it today and let you come home?" I wondered out loud. I really wanted Soda to come home with us.

"It's too swollen," he said. "Plus, they said they have to wake me up every hour or so during the night to make sure I'm okay, 'cause of how hard I hit my head."

"Oh," I answered. "Hey, Darry?"

"What?"

"You think I could have one of those pain pills the doctor gave you for me?" The doctor had given Darry some muscle relaxants to take the edge off the crash-related aches and pains. I was feeling more achy by the second.

Darry checked his watch. It had been well over the four hours that the doctor said I had to wait since I had gotten the shot in the ambulance. He dug in the bag of stuff the hospital had brought in, with my wet and bloody clothes, and pulled out a pill bottle, taking one out and handing it to me. I got up to get some water and felt like I had turned into a little old lady, what with how much it hurt to move.

"I'll get it," Pony said, sitting me back down in the chair and going into the bathroom, emerging with a glass of water.

The nurse came in and checked on Soda again, giving him a few pills, as well, which served to put him out within a matter of minutes. I wasn't holding up real well myself, having fallen against Pony and feeling my eyelids get heavy.

"Are we gonna stay here?" I asked Darry, "with Soda?"

"We can't. You and Pony have exams tomorrow."

I had forgotten. It was the last week of school. Final exams started the next day.

"But I…" I started.

"You'll have to make it up," he said. I only had one exam the next day – English, about which I wasn't worried at all. Not only did I have an understanding teacher, I knew I would have no problem passing it.

"_You_ have a good reason," he continued, "but if you and Pony both miss an exam day, Social Services will pick up on it. We gotta get going back."

I sat up as Darry and Pony both went over to Soda and touched his cheek and smoothed his hair back. Darry scribbled a note to let Soda know he would call in the morning and that we'd all be back to at least visit and hopefully take him home the next day, propping it up on the bedside table where he'd be able to see it whenever he woke up.

I went over and kissed Soda on the forehead, and Darry took my hand and led me out to the car, Pony trailing along behind us. I found myself thinking about how things just never work out how you think they will. I had found some of the healing that I had been seeking on our trip, and Soda and Sandy had started healing, too, emotionally, only to _get_ hurt, physically. I wondered if I would ever reach an age where things would actually seem to make sense. Darry never seemed to question things as much as I did – he just accepted things. I wondered if it was our divergent ages or personalities that made the difference. I hoped it was age, because I was getting pretty tired of things never making any sense to me.

Darry had Pony and I wait at the hospital entrance while he went to get the truck, since the rain hadn't let up and I didn't exactly feel like running with all my sore muscles. In fact even if I had wanted to, I wasn't sure whether I could have.

On the ride home, I got stuck in the middle, which almost always happens since I'm the smallest. I felt the muscle relaxants taking effect, and fell asleep almost immediately, leaning against Pony and eventually falling over across his lap. I could hear his and Darry's voices but had no idea what they were talking about, as the roar of the truck's engine and the sound of rain against metal lulled me to sleep. I awakened slightly as the engine was shut off, but found myself unable to move.

"C'mon, Scout, get offa me, will ya? We're home now." Pony was shaking me.

"Mmhmm…" I was _gonna_ move, in just a minute. Just as soon as I got a _little_ more sleep.

"_Scout, c'mon! Get up._"

"I can't…" I mumbled.

"Yes, you can. Get up." He pushed me to a sitting position and slid out from under me. I immediately lay down across the seat. Darry's voice took the place of Pony's.

"Scout, c'mon. It's late. We're all tired. I'm getting soaked out here." The rain was still coming down in sheets.

"I can't, Darry," I mumbled. "You go in. I'll just sleep in the truck." My brain was working okay, if not a little hazy, but my muscles were like jelly.

"Nobody's sleeping in the truck," he said, as he hauled me out by my underarms. As he tried to stand me up, my legs just wouldn't cooperate. Luckily, he never quite let go, and caught me before I hit the ground.

"Looks like maybe she really can't," Pony admitted. I felt Darry reach down and grab me behind the knees with one arm, sweeping me up, and suddenly I was being carried. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been carried, Dad used to carry me all the time… but then I remembered the night our parents had died, how Soda had to carry me into Darry's room since my legs had refused to move. And how Ben had carried me the night we first kissed… before that night turned bad. I shivered.

"Well, _this _is interesting," I heard Pony say, and I realized he had been so out of it that he hadn't remembered Darry carrying _him_ last time he came back from the hospital.

"Had to do the same thing for you, too, bud, last time we took _you_ home from the hospital," Darry said, reading my mind, as he turned to fit through the gate while holding me.

"Yeah, you probably bashed my head on the post, too, on the way in, right? That's how I _really_ got my concussion." Pony joked. I laughed a little, knowing that Darry had been nothing but gentle with Pony when he was sick.

"Oh, you think that's funny, huh, Scout?"

"Mmmm-hmm."

Darry laughed back at me and shifted my weight in his arms so most of my weight was against his shoulder and chest.

He carried me in and set me down on the bed. He pulled off my shoes and socks and pulled the covers up over me in my clothes. I felt his breath on my cheek as he leaned over. His hand gently rubbed the area at the base of my skull where I had gotten my stitches.

"You and Soda scared us, kiddo," he whispered. "I'm glad you're okay. And home."

I wanted to talk to him so badly, about the trip, but I was too exhausted to talk.

"Scout, are you awake?" His voice was right in my ear.

"Mmmm…"

"Baby, I know I don't say this enough, like Mom and Dad did, but_… I love you_. Just 'cause I don't say it much doesn't mean I'm not thinking it. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost one of you guys."

Somehow, despite the medication and my exhaustion, I managed to find his hand and squeeze it.

I hoped he knew that meant "I love you, too."

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**A/N: Okay, I promised I was going to end this installment and start anew. I am posting both today with hopes that anyone reading Complexity will be able to easily find the continuation, Resiliency, and sign up for alerts on that one so you'll get my updates. I hope you are still enjoying the story!**


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